Learn when you are young how to succeed in the turmoil of life, how to live without causing pain to others and suffering pain yourself. Everyone should cooperate and work with love and devotion. Tolerate all kinds of persons and opinions, all attitudes and peculiarities.
Difference of opinion amongst people must be perceived and resolved like the two eyes, each giving a different picture of the same object; both of which when co-ordinated, gives a complete rounded picture. Examine everything you hear, and believe only what appeals to you as correct.
Baba
Trying to find myself in that turmoil of life, I guess that is not that easy and it seems it has a lot to do with self-contempt. You asked me if it was done, I guess it is not. Maybe in the sense that something got clear, but that is only part of it. It seems to arrange you if it is done, whatever reason, for you it is done.
And every time when I watch that film it reminds me at my own life, in the beginning I couldn't catch the meaning at all. What is worse than rape - betrayal (the General's daughter).
The spiritual path learns to accept turmoil in life and to live with it and to learn to see it right to get to the right conclusion.
It seems my family was traumatised in my childhood. It is a half a century ago, but if it influences who we are and my self-image, I have to get to a right conclusion.
One day I woke up and in my dream was that prison issue. I didn't know how to deal with that. And I didn't know how to tell and therefore, I tried to look at my own life, because a half a century ago my father had been in prison, because he had something like an affair with an apprentice and he was the boss, she was therefore, in his good care and as he was responsible, it was punished heavily.
My mother made out of it something else, she began to take over and control in the pretext to save him and she had a rescue plan.
I was the oldest and went with her in that up and down struggle, it was heavy. It ended in being let down by them afterwards, like she had no memory of that time.
Later I found out I had the role of a replacement partner the time he was not there. She talked constantly about that issue, but in the moment he came back, my role was gone, because he was back.
I didn't understand it and when I tried to put it in question, I was the bad guy, maybe she wanted to forget how she felt that time and I reminded her at it always again. Somehow I got into that unpleasant role, it felt like it turned into the opposite.
That is how the conflict seemed to have been created, which never was resolved, it went on between my parents and was projected on me afterwards as it seems.
As I grew up in that, I had no idea what problems would result out of it. As long as I was in the parent's house it felt kind of okay still, but the moment I left and came back, it was gone.
I didn't understand it anymore, I had not the role I had before and I couldn't find myself anymore and that felt like lost and every time I put it in question, because it didn't feel right, it was avoided by her and projected into something else and she looked at me like I had the problem, but nobody tried to understand what it really was.
That is probably why Baba said they let me down.
It felt like she was dedicated to him, it felt dynamic, they liked to work both in the business and they were working hard. That was the sunny side of it, but the other side was also there, it resulted in a kind of self-denial, trying to laugh about it.
And every time when I watch that film it reminds me at my own life, in the beginning I couldn't catch the meaning at all. What is worse than rape - betrayal (the General's daughter).
The spiritual path learns to accept turmoil in life and to live with it and to learn to see it right to get to the right conclusion.
It seems my family was traumatised in my childhood. It is a half a century ago, but if it influences who we are and my self-image, I have to get to a right conclusion.
One day I woke up and in my dream was that prison issue. I didn't know how to deal with that. And I didn't know how to tell and therefore, I tried to look at my own life, because a half a century ago my father had been in prison, because he had something like an affair with an apprentice and he was the boss, she was therefore, in his good care and as he was responsible, it was punished heavily.
My mother made out of it something else, she began to take over and control in the pretext to save him and she had a rescue plan.
I was the oldest and went with her in that up and down struggle, it was heavy. It ended in being let down by them afterwards, like she had no memory of that time.
Later I found out I had the role of a replacement partner the time he was not there. She talked constantly about that issue, but in the moment he came back, my role was gone, because he was back.
I didn't understand it and when I tried to put it in question, I was the bad guy, maybe she wanted to forget how she felt that time and I reminded her at it always again. Somehow I got into that unpleasant role, it felt like it turned into the opposite.
That is how the conflict seemed to have been created, which never was resolved, it went on between my parents and was projected on me afterwards as it seems.
As I grew up in that, I had no idea what problems would result out of it. As long as I was in the parent's house it felt kind of okay still, but the moment I left and came back, it was gone.
I didn't understand it anymore, I had not the role I had before and I couldn't find myself anymore and that felt like lost and every time I put it in question, because it didn't feel right, it was avoided by her and projected into something else and she looked at me like I had the problem, but nobody tried to understand what it really was.
That is probably why Baba said they let me down.
It felt like she was dedicated to him, it felt dynamic, they liked to work both in the business and they were working hard. That was the sunny side of it, but the other side was also there, it resulted in a kind of self-denial, trying to laugh about it.
During the inner child workshop there was a dream, the father looked like a Nazi and the family was in the concentration camp.
I tried to communicate it to my mother, because I had to get aware of the background and I wanted to see her reaction. I didn't care if it scared me, I had to get an answer and the dream was the inner master and Baba said, follow the inner master.
First it was difficult or even impossible to tell her, she didn't react, she just avoided it. I had to write it down and send it to her and did it when I got an opportunity to do so.
And afterwards, she didn't talk to me, as I thought she would, she talked to all others about it and had made in no time a big thing out of it and it felt nothing but disturbed.
How could she do that to me?
She didn't handle it properly in asking me questions why I saw it like that and why I wrote her, she had her own conclusion and the whole family responded and not her.
It reminded at the situation when I wrote from Portland, I felt not okay in my marriage, had even a nervous breakdown and I never got a response from the side of my parents.
On the other hand my ex thought that my parents should take care of all of us..., he didn't notice how it really was. He just didn't get it, he was totally stupid and went on in that idea even though my parents didn't even answer my letters, I could tell him as often as I wanted, he didn't get it. That was kind of strange to be with someone and to talk to a wall.
He never asked how we were, after we left and came back, probably out of the same reason, or he was just not interested in it.
Baba said that the family let me down.
The last months before mother died one time she thought we were all against her and I tried to make her feel better and got her out of the old people home she had been for about a month. She didn't like it. I reacted on the inner master, because it said that it destroyed her life, but I didn't understand it, I just tried to be of help.
I didn't see any connection between her reaction and what I had said. Her attitude was somehow rooted in the past long time ago and it was kind of impossible to understand her way of thinking, it probably was still the memory of that time when she had been talking to me constantly about her up and downs and him and afterwards she wanted to forget that time and that it ever had existed. She lived in self-denial, avoided it and when something came from my side, she turned it around and made me look like the bad guy and my problem, it was constantly tamas.
It never resolved during her life time, but to me it felt always like a problem, but after he died she stopped talking about it and I was somehow glad that it ended. Infact it ended, because he died.
I didn't understand her at all. There was a time everything seemed to go wrong, it was rooted in her and not seen, projected in me, where it could not be solved. It was like she had been traumatised and didn't get aware of it all her life.
After I came back from Baba I followed the inner master in the hope to one day understand it better.
Life felt upside down, we didn't know why, but I had after a while enough to be constantly put in question by my own mother.
I thought it was the father, but as I didn't understand the mother, nothing made really sense anyhow. It ended in a kind of self-contempt, I was just laughing when something bad happened.
I tried to communicate it to my mother, because I had to get aware of the background and I wanted to see her reaction. I didn't care if it scared me, I had to get an answer and the dream was the inner master and Baba said, follow the inner master.
First it was difficult or even impossible to tell her, she didn't react, she just avoided it. I had to write it down and send it to her and did it when I got an opportunity to do so.
And afterwards, she didn't talk to me, as I thought she would, she talked to all others about it and had made in no time a big thing out of it and it felt nothing but disturbed.
How could she do that to me?
She didn't handle it properly in asking me questions why I saw it like that and why I wrote her, she had her own conclusion and the whole family responded and not her.
It reminded at the situation when I wrote from Portland, I felt not okay in my marriage, had even a nervous breakdown and I never got a response from the side of my parents.
On the other hand my ex thought that my parents should take care of all of us..., he didn't notice how it really was. He just didn't get it, he was totally stupid and went on in that idea even though my parents didn't even answer my letters, I could tell him as often as I wanted, he didn't get it. That was kind of strange to be with someone and to talk to a wall.
He never asked how we were, after we left and came back, probably out of the same reason, or he was just not interested in it.
Baba said that the family let me down.
The last months before mother died one time she thought we were all against her and I tried to make her feel better and got her out of the old people home she had been for about a month. She didn't like it. I reacted on the inner master, because it said that it destroyed her life, but I didn't understand it, I just tried to be of help.
I didn't see any connection between her reaction and what I had said. Her attitude was somehow rooted in the past long time ago and it was kind of impossible to understand her way of thinking, it probably was still the memory of that time when she had been talking to me constantly about her up and downs and him and afterwards she wanted to forget that time and that it ever had existed. She lived in self-denial, avoided it and when something came from my side, she turned it around and made me look like the bad guy and my problem, it was constantly tamas.
It never resolved during her life time, but to me it felt always like a problem, but after he died she stopped talking about it and I was somehow glad that it ended. Infact it ended, because he died.
I didn't understand her at all. There was a time everything seemed to go wrong, it was rooted in her and not seen, projected in me, where it could not be solved. It was like she had been traumatised and didn't get aware of it all her life.
After I came back from Baba I followed the inner master in the hope to one day understand it better.
Life felt upside down, we didn't know why, but I had after a while enough to be constantly put in question by my own mother.
I thought it was the father, but as I didn't understand the mother, nothing made really sense anyhow. It ended in a kind of self-contempt, I was just laughing when something bad happened.
In London I went with another student in a museum and she left with a black guy and his friend said he would bring me back to the place I lived and I was stupid enough to believe it.
I got raped, it felt like he wanted to kill me. It turned into fear and self-contempt. I waited that it was finished to get out of it, no feeling involved. I tried to not offend him, because he felt dangerous. I just waited that it was over.
Later I had an explanation for it, the other guy got what he wanted by the other woman without fight and his ego didn't accept that I said no, for him it was anyhow a yes, because I went with him. I was stupid and not aware enough of the danger in the situation. That was probably the best explanation.
I got raped, it felt like he wanted to kill me. It turned into fear and self-contempt. I waited that it was finished to get out of it, no feeling involved. I tried to not offend him, because he felt dangerous. I just waited that it was over.
Later I had an explanation for it, the other guy got what he wanted by the other woman without fight and his ego didn't accept that I said no, for him it was anyhow a yes, because I went with him. I was stupid and not aware enough of the danger in the situation. That was probably the best explanation.
But I was scared and had to get away from that place and I called home, father at the phone, he said, that I should do anything but not come back and to not go on the street..., that felt offending to me and I didn't see the mother behind, the result was self-contempt. It felt also like betrayal, only without knowing who it was in the background.
There was constantly that influence of her in the background and that same reality came up with the dream, afterwards we were even mobbed by the family. It was all present in the inner view and dreams and at the outside level I had no idea about it and everyhing felt like a surprise and we didn't know the reason behind.
A Guru helps to get to the right conclusion.
Because I couldn't see her, I couldn't see the reflection of myself.
It felt like if she talked to us, she was on our side and talked bad about him and no doubt she did the same with him about us, always in favour of appearance and the mind image and the illusion of it.
Once there was such an anger about my father, I had never felt such anger before and later it turned into disgust.
In Geneva I got once more raped at work by a guy who wanted to show his workplace and I was all the time just laughing. I didn't care anymore, in such a situation it turned into self-contempt and ignored every feeling and I thought that he must have problems. I didn't care, but I didn't tell anybody.
He did the same to another one and she denounced him, afterwards he lost the job and whatever, I didn't want to know.
People who had seen me with him looked at me a strange way, guessing something, but I never told anybody.
A Guru helps to get to the right conclusion.
Because I couldn't see her, I couldn't see the reflection of myself.
It felt like if she talked to us, she was on our side and talked bad about him and no doubt she did the same with him about us, always in favour of appearance and the mind image and the illusion of it.
Once there was such an anger about my father, I had never felt such anger before and later it turned into disgust.
In Geneva I got once more raped at work by a guy who wanted to show his workplace and I was all the time just laughing. I didn't care anymore, in such a situation it turned into self-contempt and ignored every feeling and I thought that he must have problems. I didn't care, but I didn't tell anybody.
He did the same to another one and she denounced him, afterwards he lost the job and whatever, I didn't want to know.
People who had seen me with him looked at me a strange way, guessing something, but I never told anybody.
As I dreamt of my girl friend I had during childhood, it seems the mother pointed out faults to make us not do the same. In her eyes that was not okay. She had to get married with seventeen, but the picture in the dream with her and the child brings up all that.
That was important that it shouldn't happen to us, but later we noticed that nothing in our life ever seemed okay anyhow.
That was important that it shouldn't happen to us, but later we noticed that nothing in our life ever seemed okay anyhow.
That my mother wanted to rescue him from was his weakness and it served her to make a new sense of life for her and that seemed to be based on co-dependence and it gave her a reason to take over and to control.
After she died it was in the dream as avalanche, attachment, what it exactly was, whatever, the precipice was in the air after she came back from Spain and that showed pride, but for me it meant I couldn't reach her on the other side of that precipice.
After she died it was in the dream as avalanche, attachment, what it exactly was, whatever, the precipice was in the air after she came back from Spain and that showed pride, but for me it meant I couldn't reach her on the other side of that precipice.
During the time I went dancing I watched the Osho tapes and saw in him the father. It helped to understand freedom and it felt even normal, only her way of seeing it was not okay at all. That is only when I began to get aware of it that it was topsy-turvy.
After my father had died, he was in my dream and said, that he had to show me something. He was at a dark place and the water came, he couldn't get out of it anymore and the light was like a far away small star. It felt sad, because that is how he died.
The need to save him made him worse than he had been and her worse than she had been, but she thought she was great.
It was kind of desperation on my side to even think that the prison was good, because at least he didn't dear to molest his daughters, I had the feeling I couldn't trust him at all, it was constantly dangerous and if I said something, he reacted and made me look like the bad guy.
Coming back from the US we lived some time with the parents and I wrote nearly every day a letter to Baba, I didn't send away, just to keep enough distance to be able to be in their presence and to not get into their stuff, it was difficult to keep some distance.
After my father had died, he was in my dream and said, that he had to show me something. He was at a dark place and the water came, he couldn't get out of it anymore and the light was like a far away small star. It felt sad, because that is how he died.
The need to save him made him worse than he had been and her worse than she had been, but she thought she was great.
It was kind of desperation on my side to even think that the prison was good, because at least he didn't dear to molest his daughters, I had the feeling I couldn't trust him at all, it was constantly dangerous and if I said something, he reacted and made me look like the bad guy.
Coming back from the US we lived some time with the parents and I wrote nearly every day a letter to Baba, I didn't send away, just to keep enough distance to be able to be in their presence and to not get into their stuff, it was difficult to keep some distance.
Baba was in the dream as insight and it was him again as the next step. Insight changes the situation, we have to see it in a different light to get to the right conclusion, that is what happens here.
He said the family let me down.
First it was anger, felt like father, after it was disgust and afterwards I didn't care anymore. That was in a sense good, because I went for the higher self, even if I felt guilty afterwards, but that was probably the best I could do to free myself of it.
First it was anger, felt like father, after it was disgust and afterwards I didn't care anymore. That was in a sense good, because I went for the higher self, even if I felt guilty afterwards, but that was probably the best I could do to free myself of it.
It felt like nothing to lose and self-denial.
Could be the reason I met the first person in the insight, he intended to commit suicide, facing death. What I did was that I turned self-destruction into self-realization, but it was a narrow line in between.
Afterwards it was clear, everything in the past had a reason. I didn't see and understand the role of my mother, till today I have difficulties to get it right.
Her rescue plan in finding faults with others had changed into controlling, but finally she got what she feared most.
Could be the reason I met the first person in the insight, he intended to commit suicide, facing death. What I did was that I turned self-destruction into self-realization, but it was a narrow line in between.
Afterwards it was clear, everything in the past had a reason. I didn't see and understand the role of my mother, till today I have difficulties to get it right.
Her rescue plan in finding faults with others had changed into controlling, but finally she got what she feared most.
Baba was the insight and the next step to take.
It felt like shock to the family after I went to the Hare Krishnas, but there was not the least intention of revenge in that, it was a new birth and had nothing to do with them, but only insights and I followed the light of the self.
I didn't expect such a reaction. Before they seemed to not care at all. They couldn't handle it and wanted to get me out of it. It was kind of strange. Before it was like - never come home again, for whatever reason and afterwards they wanted to get me out of it. Everything seemed upside down and not okay, we could turn it around as we liked, it was never okay.
I didn't expect such a reaction. Before they seemed to not care at all. They couldn't handle it and wanted to get me out of it. It was kind of strange. Before it was like - never come home again, for whatever reason and afterwards they wanted to get me out of it. Everything seemed upside down and not okay, we could turn it around as we liked, it was never okay.
During the time with Baba I tried to understand what was the matter with my parents, but it didn't help much, only now it becomes clear and they didn't change.
It was kind of strange to get aware that he was in the dream a Nazi and the family in the concentration camp and even more so it was strange how she reacted, again impossible to understand her reaction, old stuff in the background.
She idealized work that made good people, good and virtuous, and the others who had early kids were bad. It seems she was not able to see that everything had two sides and it can turn easy into the opposite.
It was kind of strange to get aware that he was in the dream a Nazi and the family in the concentration camp and even more so it was strange how she reacted, again impossible to understand her reaction, old stuff in the background.
She idealized work that made good people, good and virtuous, and the others who had early kids were bad. It seems she was not able to see that everything had two sides and it can turn easy into the opposite.
I tried already with meditation to get out of it when I was still in the parent's house. After I went on until the higher self reflected in the dream. It felt like a new birth, afterwards I followed insights.
It was illusion above the father's head when he said that he wanted to build a beautiful house in Spain. The illusion was also because he was not aware of the state of his marriage. It arranged him the way she controlled because of business, but that was different afterwards being retired. And the inner master said that he should have had another wife.
She enforced the illusion living for a better image to save his life, it was making the mind stronger, because that is what others think. It was only on the surface level.
She enforced the illusion living for a better image to save his life, it was making the mind stronger, because that is what others think. It was only on the surface level.
They lived for an illusion and that was the reason why my former girl friend and finding faults just because she got married and was pregnant with seventeen, what a stupid village consciousness. And of course, we should not be like her, because that was not okay, but we were much worse, I would have liked to have her life.
The parent's house was naive and dangerous.
The mind was the ideal, work and image, everything looking good at the outside, my mother, being proud making a good impression on others.
The parent's house was naive and dangerous.
The mind was the ideal, work and image, everything looking good at the outside, my mother, being proud making a good impression on others.
Afterwards being with Baba I began to follow the inner master and it means we had to face it and see things right to understand how it happened during childhood.
With Baba we learnt to be rather able to suffer pain than to give pain to others, to discard the ego and to love others.
So why should I bother about rape, I began to understand why those men saw no other way and why I was a victim, my family made it perfect for such a role, it was self-contempt.
So why should I bother about rape, I began to understand why those men saw no other way and why I was a victim, my family made it perfect for such a role, it was self-contempt.
The Karma came back, it was only the outside level, who is interested in that? It just looked good, but behind it was different and they were not happy.
All that comes up with dreams and Baba tells us that he gave us all those difficulties to draw us to him to get us on the path of self-realization.
Difference of opinion amongst people must be perceived and resolved like the two eyes, each giving a different picture of the same object; both of which when co-ordinated, gives a complete rounded picture. Examine everything you hear, and believe only what appeals to you as correct.
If we get the inner view, we have to understand it right.
Our ideal has changed, it cannot be the mind, and it also not just work, it has to be based on human values.
Our ideal has changed, it cannot be the mind, and it also not just work, it has to be based on human values.
It is still kind of surprising how it comes up.
The childhood brings up memories, it seems difficult to see the parent's house objective. Baba tells us that parent's are God, but if we see only in a glorified way it is not corresponding to the insight and it has to be true. To make them different as they have been is also ego and mind, because it makes us look better in that light, that it she same what they did all their life, make it look good on the surface.
The childhood brings up memories, it seems difficult to see the parent's house objective. Baba tells us that parent's are God, but if we see only in a glorified way it is not corresponding to the insight and it has to be true. To make them different as they have been is also ego and mind, because it makes us look better in that light, that it she same what they did all their life, make it look good on the surface.
If they would have been perfect, I don't think we would have made it to Baba. I always wanted just a normal life and it needed some strong pull to get us to Swami.
No comments:
Post a Comment