Very Difficult to Understand

You are not doing service for others. You are doing it always for yourselves, to the God in you, the God who is equally present in others

Baba

A month ago on the way to Prasanthi, full of hope to go and see Baba, and then I just arrived for his final departure and to tell good bye.

Yesterday, I went to see my sister, she also had been part of the TM scene and memories came up. 

We loved the big assemblies, meditating together with that many people. It felt great only the result was not great and when it all in the ‘insight’ broke into pieces, it was not the insight that was shocking, but the fact that we couldn’t find the reason why.

After years of trying in vain to find the reason, I was tired of it. I wanted to get that meditation out of my system. It was still not clear that the technique of just taking the mantra effortlessly and if we notice there are thoughts, we go back to the mantra, cut us off from the insights. There was no room for insights in that mediation and no way to think it over and to listen and to absorb. And therefore, we couldn’t get aware of it.

So people, instead of realizing the self, got lost in that process, all problems solved, very easy, no reason to think but to meditate.

How can anybody realize the self if he is not aware of what he is doing?

We were all frustrated that it didn’t work.

And even if we knew all that by now, it was still not clear; it was really frustrating to be in something that was that difficult to understand that it was rather impossible. As long as it was easy it was no problem, but when it was no easier and a problem, it was awful that we had to deal with that. It was a crack-nut.

TM, associated with thousands of people who did the program together, is binding, because we get lost in it, the relationship level is lost and we cannot realize it, because the intellect doesn’t work anymore.

So what I am doing here in writing is with TM practically impossible, they just meditate and that’s it.

I went to Osho to get away from the TM-pattern, the TM-habit and in that time I didn’t do silent meditation, but I went into dynamic mediation to get me out of that conditioning. I just had enough that it was not possible to get away from that TM habit and TM thinking.

I was focused on the observer and watching, but there is no use of the intellect as well only if we have to understand the insights we need the intellect to discriminate. With Baba it was always about discrimination and as we came from TM, we didn’t even hear it. It was awful to have such a problem, it felt like brainwashed, no way to get out of it and more one meditated, more we were caught in it and some just go on meditating with TM and do not realize that with the technique they get cut off.

All see TM and the technique as positive and a good thing and only benefit in life etc. but when you have years and years of problems with it, you do not think like that anymore.

First I was glad to remember the TM times still in a positive manner, but with the time I was that fed up because it was still cut off, that I wanted just to go away from it and I began to go into dynamic mediation, that helped, I didn’t do TM anymore and afterwards when I began again, I never just meditated again as before with TM and I did it mostly with Soham and using the meaning and the silence in meditation, what is much better.

A long time I thought that the strength of an elephant, it was in the air during a Darshan was connected to the sutra, only much time later I realized it was TM itself and the Maharishi. After we became TM-teacher there had been an elephant in the inner view and he went in a big jumbo jet to America to clean consciousness. That was the strength of an elephant and when I realized that it merged with Baba and afterwards the problem was gone, no more separation in my mind.

It feels finally like we are back after all and also kind of shocking to realize what it did to us and how difficult it is to understand it.  

We are the same, same - that's a word, but it is not on the intellectual level, nor on mind level.