A Baby was Born

Bend the body, mend the senses and end the mind - this is the way to Immortality.

Baba

I went to Baba twenty five years ago, after seeing him in the heart as the indweller, he was in the heart and I had to see him, it was divinity in the heart, a tiny small blue form, but it was his vibuthi and when  I left, I also left behind my life TM, and I thought it was over, but not after I came back because all was gone. It was a strange state. I had an interview with Baba and after that interview there was my mother and that love which felt thousand times stronger than the love of my mother and it was like a glove and he filled it out totally. So it was very strange coming back and feeling that loss, my life had changed too fast and too much and I didn’t know why and were the mistake was. I went on meditating not aware that with that technique to focus on the mantra only and to ignore thoughts I was cutting myself off from the insights, because it was not possible to think it over.

I was lucky to get the job back, it was a temporary pool and they always needed people, so I could get into it and work for some month and go back to Baba. And my parents went to Spain, so if I wanted to see them I had to go to Spain as well.

Soon I felt only home with Baba and in Prasanthi Nilayam, but somehow that was also not good, because I had to find a way to come back here.

But I would have liked a room to be able to go back anytime, but that was a wish, which has never been fulfilled.

I felt nowhere home and was not long enough in my country to work for becoming a donor, so for some years I was constantly going back and forth.  It went on like that, we went to Baba and back to see the parents in Spain and I wondered how much longer that would go on like that?

I told him once in an interview that it was difficult where I come from to live only love, but he didn't agree, it means I didn’t use the right words and as he spoke about the higher self, it was not like that, I just talked about Switzerland and not the higher self, I talked about going to my parents in Spain and not the higher self.

Once I was in his hand and uprooted, and I didn’t know if I had to see it good or bad. It felt awful to come back and to feel like that.

And one day we had an interview and he asked a lady from Geneva, who that girl was and to whom she belonged and what our relationship was?

And I was the translator and it felt that strange, I thought maybe someone else knows what it means and I began to talk about it.

We went to Kodai and lived all in a house on the lake, it was beautiful the sight and Baba’s ashram was just on the other side of the lake.

And there were all living together, men and women and some Italians cooked.

We sat on a big table together and eat together and there were lots of nice stories told about Baba and I also mentioned my interview with him and that he talked with another lady in that interview and I translated, but he talked about me. It was a kind of strange situation and I tried to get a feeling for it, but there I met my ex and he said that I belonged to him.  

He answered the interview of Baba and I somehow had the feeling I had to follow it because I had to get an answer and he seemed to know more than I did. The question was why I felt uprooted and cut off.

It had a lot to do with that technique and meditation which was such a habit that we couldn’t get out of it anymore, because we had done it already for years regularly morning and evening, it was like an earworm, only much more hidden in our thoughts and so I couldn’t get aware of the insights, because our tool of the intellect we use usually to enquire and to ask questions and to discriminate, we just used for meditation.

That is how I got in that relationship with a guy who didn’t care, who took advantage of everything he could get, who talked always about his big boss he called friend to impress others, because he was a VIP and who had not even any intention to follow Baba, but he wanted to walk in the footsteps of the former boss who was very rich to get rich as well.

As I got pregnant very fast, we got finally married in New York. It was no possible to live in the ashram as family without being married and in India it was also kind for funny to deliver without being married, kind of unthinkable. But it was not because of him, because I still didn’t get any answers and I went on meditating and nothing had changed.

We had one interview with Baba, it was a few days before delivery. I sat at Baba’s feet with that big belly and he asked my ex, ‘with whom did you come?’ He said, with my wife. And Baba asked, ‘who, who, who?’

It was very strange and it felt like he was looking for her but she was not there. I was not his wife and he was not my husband.

In the dream he called her little Sai Baba and that was great to have that tiny little small baby in my arms after she was born in Whitefield in Baba’s hospital. That was great.

I enjoyed that time with the baby even if I had not that much time for Darshan anymore.

I thought I was happy because of the baby and it was born under a big Baba picture that was also kind of special.