Baba dreams, during the time in Prasanthi he was inside present. I was tired, because I was not really ready to face that he would leave the body.
I didn't know what to think about it, and if he would not have come and get me out of that state, I would have spent most of the time in bed sleeping just too tired to face what I had ahead of me. I eat as little as possible, what was good. It was hot, and that room was A/C, I had no bock of sharing a room with seven other women, as I was writing too and wanted privacy.
I had not the least intention to listen to all those stories, which I heart even without being in a room with so many others, they all talked about him coming back after three days, after they said that he left the body.
I was not able to get the donor status, no ex was allowed.
They didn't care at all. It was not even possible to mention Baba. Don't mention him, he said, like it would be disrespectful to just think of him.
But inside it was an all different story, he was there, something, I would not even dear to tell that man of accomodation, because he would not have liked it. It felt like any women mentioning Baba was just contaminating him.
But he was not only there to get me out of it, afterwards, that unity level I got not even a month ahead aware off, that was there and made it possible, that presence of him in this inside oneness.
On the third day being there was akanda Bhajans, all day singing, I didn't know, in my heart felt something wrong, it felt like air flowing over the blanket waking me up, he made clear I would miss it, until I knew, I had to go, and then I was singing all day, and that was good.
Whatever came up, he was there, and as strange as it sounds, but he was never not there. There was some colour which shouldn't be there, I had to sent the bill to my ex, and finish it once for all times. He always gets me back in a state where peace is not really possible.
And then I went singing mantras, and then it started.
I usually go beyond the mind, because I feel bored in the mind, and in the mean time I learnt how to do it. It began on different levels, by observing, by dancing, singing and also writing. And he was there, he answered in being present. It felt like time was stainding still, I got aware of the beauty in the ashram, he did everything to make his devotees happy, it was that beautiful, I was amazed and at the same time it made the pain sometimes like hardly bearable because he was outside not there.
I wrote at your birthday about unity. He was there, he mentioned the 25th, two days ahaed at 3 PM, and at that time I was waiting for something, writing, I was not at work, and he made me aware of getting engaged, that was something. I realized it only later what he had said, but he made me aware of an existing unity, at your birthday morning it was there, when I woke up, knowing that we were one, there was that 'I am that'.
It felt that good, I didn't want to open my eyes.
Now in the ashram it was that strange being outside, he not there, I had the feeling it was all different, but then during singing I saw a person I knew and looking at her there was that 'I am that', instantaneously I felt home. That was special, so I felt more home than ever before, being outside in trouble with accomodation not even getting a room.
It was that oneness, the extrem level of opposites made it more clear.
Next night I dreamt of a group, going to Bhajan was now an adventure because every time something else happened. The group changed the 'I am that' on the level of all present and I felt even more home.
I went to the book shop, I was nearly standing still in that ashram, I was just sitting there amazed by what I experienced. Everything looked that beautiful with an intensity which reminded at my mother when she left the body last December. There was also an intensity in the air which was seen on the level of nature, everything looked beautiful.
But I didn't think of it, I thought it had to do with the state of 'I am that', but behind I knew there was something not just right, so I coudn't just enjoy it. Next night it was special, he was there, he was in my thoughts, I was looking in that light at myself, how I felt, I was not too well. He went with me through all those experiences, there was that sattvic level of the self in which we were one, there was the rajasic level too, because I didn't want him to leave and asked with all heart and might that he should not go, that was not very sattvic, that was full rajasic, and tamas the body was also there, because I suffered pain in thinking he would leave. It was really separation pain.
There were all levels, and I got aware of it.
I noticed during night, didn't sleep very well, one time I wondered where he was gone, I had somehow lost him in my thoughts, and then I asked him to stay..., and on my mind level I wondered about my thoughts. It was not a good feeling, when I fell in a kind of slumber, in which I woke up because he said, no more husband, nothing left but empty Western shoe.
I was wide awake, tried in vain to calm down, shocked because of what he said, first I thought, I did everything wrong, it needed a while to see it differently and I was absolutly heart broken, only after a while when love came up I began to understand it better.
He had left the body, it was at 7.40 AM on Easter morning.
I went singing and because we went on with Bhajans after the usual time people got all excited hoping he would come back earlier from hospital, people thought he would get back end of the week.
One night in dream he showed me a well, it was a deep well, very deep, but anyhow, there was no water left, just very little life water. As I felt exhausted too, I thought it is myself, but it was not, when waking up I knew it was him, he was exhausted, there was not enough left to go on.
Then they told us that he had left the body. It was a terrible moment, some women began to scream as loud as they could, it felt like the whole hall broke down in pain, it was very moving and sad.
I didn't want to believe it, that Baba who had given for years and years twice a day darshan had really left the body.
And then the rumors began, some people refused to believe it and said, you will see, he will come back. I never believed it, as I had seen the well and the water left in it, I knew he would not come back. It was like a dream those days following, it was painful, everything was painful, the mourning of people as well as the refusing of others to believe it.
Wendsday he was buried and then it began once more, because now it was final, nobody said anymore that he would come back.
And then it calmed down slowly.
People took strength in singing Bhajans, it was still very sad, actually, it is still, there are still moments when I am overwhelmed by it. But he was still there in the dream.
He asked me how about something I didn't understand before, and I noticed that now it got clear, the unity experience strengtend the self, it got clear.
So he got me out of it, finally.
And next day he said that he had finished his mission, he told me about all night in all different ways that one thing, there was no more doubt about it, when I woke up.
He has left the body because his misson is fulfilled. It felt like the first undisturbed time, no where to go anymore. During that time he made me aware that India has lost its leader and therefore, it was like a political burial, like for a king, with police, military and TV, he was on all channels, but it helped me a lot to understand it, because I didn't wonder anymore when all those people came from all over to tell goodby. It was a very moving moment, it was as sad as beautiful to experience it, and very special to have him constantly inside present.
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