Insights and the Following Step

The jnani will have no trace of hatred in him, he will love all beings; he will not be contaminated by the ego, he will act as he speaks.

Baba

It is about insights and how do we understand ‘insights’, because he knows, he is the insight and the following step. I went on meditating and was not aware that with that technique it was not possible to get aware of the insight. There was confusion between mind and transcendence and going beyond, what is reflected in the ‘insight’. They called it transcendental meditation, but nobody went beyond the mind, it was all in the mind.

At that time Osho was in my dream telling me, I should come to him, he would give me power. First I didn’t even think about it, because I was already going in direction of Sai Baba. But after I had only troubles to make sense out of the ‘insights’, I went to know what I had missed.

I also me another devotee in Prasanthi, we lived in the same floor and in neighbor rooms and she was with Osho, she was very free and naked in the room and her daughter as well, now that was not what attracted me, but it felt still like a sign, I had to get rid of the habit about TM. It was hardly possible to get out of it, so I began to dance. But they were an example of no shame. 

The children were constantly playing together and so I thought it was good to make the experience.

The conditioning was going away, the habits and also the silent sitting. That was still a good experience. And that way also got aware of that shame was the driving force in my family and why she couldn’t look at it. Actually, my family felt quite disturbed. It was only possible to talk about work and everything else was avoided.

During the time with Baba in the ashram when he was holding the lectures, I noticed that he talked about the ‘I am that’ I had seen in the air before during a Darshan in Ooty and it began to make sense. So to remember that ‘I am that’ I was constantly in meditation and tried to never forget ‘not-that’, everything we are not to get there to understand who we are.

I tried to never forget that ‘I am not the body’ and that went on during dancing in the Osho disco. And it became really great, because it went beyond the body and there was only rhythm and only music and we became part of it and it was on the level of the group, it felt great.

I enjoyed dancing much more than I ever had before.   

Only the inner child course was not as I would have liked it to be. In one sense we learnt a lot but it was reflected in the inner view that the course leaders were not living the Osho freedom, but their own thing. They made a chain therapy work business and only chosen people could do that work, so in the inner view it reflected as big fat chains on their arms.

That was kind of scary and she was in my dream and said that they had earned already six millions USD with that work and it felt kind of surprising to me that she would do that and there was no way to tell them.   

So I couldn’t talk about insights and it didn’t get clear, it was more added to it what had to be understood. Later Baba said that it doesn’t work because older age needs more safety. I dreamt constantly that I had missed the train what told me indirectly that I was not on the right path.

And people looked like that had a frame around them and it was a mind frame. One day Baba was talking with me about the mind frame and were both laughing.

That is how the object began to reflect in the observer.

Baba also mentioned in the inner view also the book I had written and whatever was not clear, he cleared it up.

During writing that book a summed it up all those ‘insights’, but I let it open yet or he gave an answer in putting a Baba quote. But I got aware that it was a jungle I went in with TM and that the technique prevented the intellect from doing its work.

One time the national leader, who had been my boyfriend before, was in the inner view as well, as every object reflects and he had such a fat frame around him, that I was shocked, it was that black it filled the frame nearly out. I had to get used to it that in a spiritual environment we found not just good people.  

The black hole I found after all in my meditation is a mind state and shows that it didn’t transcend the mind. If there would have been a self-experience it would have been all different. The Maharishi was once in my dream and said that I don’t belong to them and I should not come to him anymore, that was good, it helped, but not to understand it, but to keep distance.

TM, it was the cause for endless misunderstandings and troubles.