Difficult Times

The Grace of God is like insurance. It will help you in your time of need without any limit.

Baba

All planed and now, I don't know what to do and he will not be there.  
I remember how many tears we had when he had an accident years ago.
So I get aware of his love, it is in the air.

I don't know what now? I just don't know.
I am waiting since a long time to see him, and now that?
I don't believe how despairing it is. If that goes on, my eyes will be swollen tomorrow at my daughters birthday, I behave impossible, the pain is too big. 
What does it do to me?
I feel like a fool, crying for him, as he is in the hospital, having the feeling of being forlorn. 
Oh I forgot the black cat, something was wrong, not as it looked like, not as we expected it to be. Not happy confirmed!
The open door, the darkness behind, nothingness, he was at the door and showed it passed in another phase, and the dream of darshan, he was not there, it was darshan place, as used to it, lots of people as always, but he was not there. So the dream showed nothing else but that.
I don't believe how crushed it feels. It feels like lamenting, moaning, as if the whole world would hear and share it. I have the feeling everything goes wrong what can go wrong. It is like everything is against us.