Understanding Motives and Actions in a deep Manner

A thirsty passenger asked the water carrier at an up-country railway station in India whether the leather bag in which they were serving water was clean. The reply the passenger received was, "As regards cleanliness, all I can say is that the bag which contains the water is cleaner than the bag which takes it in!"

This statement conveys an important lesson. You must care more for the cleanliness of your mind and intellect than that of the external body. Instead of criticising others and finding fault with the actions of others, subject yourself to vigilant scrutiny.
Understand your motives and actions in a deep manner and invest time in correcting your own faults. Do not be like the dancer who blamed the drummer for the wrong steps.

Baba (thought for the day)

 

We have to see the motives and actions in a deeper manner and invest time in correction our own faults.

To get there we need to analyze it and find right answers. But first this words felt like a challenge, because I had to think it over. It is probably always like that, but this time I got aware of it. And after thinking it over, it looks different again, but I am also very tired.

But if we meditate regularly we take care of the mind. And if we don't, the mind takes care of us. It seemed to me without meditation it was not possible to get free of the past impressions in the mind. 

After I began with dynamic meditation for a while I didn't do anymore silent sitting meditation and as I am in a job and the HR-manager likes to boss people around, she was kind of intimidating, if I wanted or not. I tried to ignore or to accept it, but both ways didn't work. 

It is a job commitment, therefore, it is loading. It felt upsetting and therefore, one day I began to meditate again, at least in the morning. 
Since my mind is not anymore thinking about the HR-person. But coming back from work I often feel that tired that it feels like a rather sick mind state and it takes time to get normal again and to recover from it. I don't think I enjoy it very much.

But meditation helps to get distance and to clean the mind of past impressions.
 

I was only twenty yrs old when I went first to the US and made a much bigger thing out of it in my mind than it really was. Later on I would have done it all different, it felt much too serious. 

One of my first jobs was boring and I went to the carnival, didn't sleep all night and went next day anyhow to work, but I fell asleep. Today I find it rather funny and normal that I had to do something to feel better and it was kind of good that I went to work anyhow, even if I didn't sleep all night. Today I wouldn't do that. But as I lived in the parent's house, I probably had not much choice.

I lost that job later on, it was one of the worst jobs I ever have had, but afterwards there was shame ..., even though it was not necessary. I think today that it was good, because of the parents it got too heavy, they were enforcing it, but we had to get rid of it some way. If it was not possible a normal way, like that it was also working. 

No humor, no taking it easy, it was always serious business. In reality it didn't matter. I didn't need to prove with that boring job, who I was, it would anyhow not have been possible on that level and who cared, for sure not my parents, it was just a catastrophe again, it began to pile up. 

The same during the first time in the US. Even if I wanted to just learn English, and we could have taken it easy, it was not possible. Also that felt like serious business. 

But other great moments like flying an airplane and even thinking of taking flying lessons myself, that was not taken serious enough. 

Looking back it is kind of strange, not easy going in direction of situations and job, but too easy going when it was about relationship matters.
They were able to make out of nothing a huge thing and out of relationships nothing.

Coming back from the US felt bad and serious. I had left the parent's house for the first time and instead of taking it easy and being happy or taking it as it comes, everything what didn't work seemed to load and added not okay things and it began to pile up. I didn't want to go back, it was a clinch, as I had to go back anyhow.

At that time I didn't know why I felt like that and it was not very happy. Actually, it was an unhappy time. It had to do with the neighborhood, he had turned into the opposite and my family refused to take note of it and they let me down, but also that I didn't know at that time. Whatever I said or tried to tell, there was just a sarcastic response.

Something was disturbing and therefore, I was looking for the fault, but it was not possible to find the fault, therefore, we had to analyze it and still it didn't work.

That neighborhood's influence was felt and ignored. That didn't exist and they said that I was the one who had problems. Only in Baba's presence in the ashram it was in the air that the neighbor was responsible, I was not aware of it. With Baba I got aware of it.

Baba said that they let me down, I was also not aware of it. I even thought they were right and I was wrong, the father blamed us for the mistakes he had done, for about everything to make himself feel better, I guess. It was constantly present as bad or inferior, we were too young and whatever, fighting the shadow in us.

I remember my brother's feelings were hurt, when someone accused him for something, and the father said, that he knows that his no good. Fighting the shadow in us, it is kind of difficult to get, instead of parenting, fighting the shadow? 

If there was no reason, they found one. It was also manipulation, afterwards I didn't even dear to think of questioning the situation and neighborhood, until I realized my own state of mind and I thought that it was not normal that I didn't dear to question it, whatever the reason. As I began to follow the inner master, I did the exact opposite. 

 

Baba said that parents are God, so I began to go for a visit to them in purpose and in the hope to understand why it was as it was, disturbed. But it was in vain. Only after their death and as the inner master mentioned, that they had let us down, that is how we get aware of it, but it needs a lot of analyzing to be able to understand it.   

Whatever, he always repeated that we were too young, not okay and after some time mother did the same, but on work level telling that we could never do what they had done, proud of the accomplished work. She made out of work a virtue.  

It general it felt too serious. There was always something not okay, something to find faults with. After all I was glad if he just shed-up. As it was never okay, I left and went as far away as I could. If I went for a visit, we usually wanted on the spot to leave again, either homesick or pain and that felt like flying away again. It was a strange relationship between my parents. My first trip to the US I couldn't really enjoy, either it was all bad or all good, but not golden middle way.

Today I would see it differently, the bad not as bad and the good not as good.

Everything felt like a catastrophe, like life and death and nothing in between. It was never just easy or funny or it was sarcastic.

I had to get more balanced and aware and I began with yoga, first it was exercises and the headstand, later I began to observe and with meditation.
 

The time I went to the US I was not even able to sleep without light in my own room and they were not aware of it. Usually we don't send someone who is traumatised and constantly feeling bad abroad. They were just not caring or aware of it and if I said something, there were just sarcastic responses. That is how it felt being let down and it was traumatizing to be in such a state of mind in the parent's house. 

After the neighborhood turned into something else, and nobody wanted to see it, there was that constant feeling that something was wrong and I didn't dear to question it and it didn't feel like home. 
The inner master said also that it was naive and dangerous and the question is to understand it right. There was manipulation. 
It was not possible to question it, it was not possible to talk. Only after I realized how it felt and that it was not okay, I began to do the opposite to get an answer. I was tired of it, because it never changed.

All that let us in the feeling that it was not even possible to question it or to talk about it. That kind of attitude felt sick, or something was definitely wrong, but if I thought I would understand it easily, I was wrong, I am still working at it. 

During the inner child course the father was in the inner view as Nazi and the family in the concentration camp. Trying to analyze what that means, it is about the shadow, the Nazis were fighting the shadow in their victims and a non-functional family.

I wrote it in a letter to mother one day, because she avoided it. It didn't get clear. I hoped to get a feedback. It is not easy to get the idea of it, because I lived it on a very different level. I analyzed it already a few times and still don't get the feeling of it. 

Probably he wanted to make sure that we would never get the idea to question what he had done, so he had to make us feel bad that we didn't dear to question it. Anyhow, it felt like serious business, like the first trip to the US. It was heavy and after three months I sat in the airplane back and hated it to go back. Everything felt like a catastrophe.

 

During the TM-time, my father drove me with the luggage to the train station and he had that serious look on his face, I didn't know why and above him in the air was: catastrophe.

My luggage got nearly stolen during that trip and I mentioned the catastrophe later on, analyzing it already, but I didn't get a feedback. The answers I had to wait for. I always tried to analyze it, only it took a long time to get answers and a feeling to understand it. 

Planning the house in Spain above his head was in the air: 'illusion'. That was not possible to tell for me, because I couldn't explain it, I didn't know what I saw in the air at that time, but it didn't feel okay, I wondered why illusion? 

"As soon as possible can be now in two or in ten years", that is about seeing it in the light of the self. We tell the story and somehow we will get aware of it, but we never know when.
That is what the Maharishi said after the TM-teacher's training. Even if TM is not the right path, he said later on in my dream, that I don't belong to them and that I know it.