Remember the Divine Name

Look at the crane; it walks about pretty fast in water. But while walking, it cannot catch fish. When it wants to catch fish, the very same crane becomes quiet and stands motionless. So also, if you proceed with greed, anger, and similar negative qualities, you can never secure the fish of truth (sathya), righteousness (dharma), and peace (shanti). With any spiritual practice you observe, please add the practice of uninterrupted remembrance of the Lord's precious name (namasmarana). Only then can you master the natural attributes of greed, anger, etc. All the scriptures (sastras) teach but this one key lesson! Since the Lord is the universal goal and this journey of life has Him as the destination for each and every one of you, keep Him constantly in your view and subdue the mind, which makes you wander from the path.

Baba (thought for the day)

Like the crane has to stand still first to catch the fish, the mind has to stand still to be able get to truth (sathya), right action (Dharma), peace (shanti) and as we remember without those three we cannot experience ‘pure love’ and without ‘pure love’ we have no experience of divinity.

Look at the crane; it walks about pretty fast in water. But while walking, it cannot catch fish. When it wants to catch fish, the very same crane becomes quiet and stands motionless. So also, if you proceed with greed, anger, and similar negative qualities, you can never secure the fish of truth (sathya), righteousness (dharma), and peace (shanti). 

We know if we don’t meditate, we will never know the difference between ‘pure being’, non-conceptual and non-limited and mind and world, conceptual and limited beings.

If we observe, watch, he asks us to add the practice of uninterrupted remembrance of the Lord’s precious name, the mantra.

I began to watch early because of the troubles I describe and get aware of when thinking it over and I find in details confirmed in the book of Bradshaw I quoted because it is good and it is a different approach to it. We watch, we watch since we are twenty or even before, what about you, when did you begin with watching? First I watched the thoughts and I decided to change nothing until it was out of the higher self, I just watched. I watched already when writing a diary and at that time I was sixteen and writing didn’t make sense in that moment, but watching did make sense. I watched how I made the decision to go on until the higher self would be present. Everything what I watched was just passing by, it had no real value. If it were feelings, situations, it passed by, after a week it was gone and I have hardly any feeling about it or memory about it, because my focus was on ‘watching’. Whatever happened in Neuchâtel, I tried to communicate it, but it was difficult or nearly impossible, I began to notice that nobody understood it what I said if I said I watch and therefore, I had to give it a purpose and I said, I search for truth. In the mean time it went from watching to take it as it comes to accepting truth. Search for truth was not really a search, it was there as it was truth, and I just had to get able to see it. I mediated often at weekends with OM and I just went on watching. I didn’t read books, I didn’t listen to Veda or masters, I had written the book of Yogananda Paramahansa, but that was at that time in California only and for me too far away.

In the mean time we use his words and it does make more sense. If I tell I search for truth, it seems like doing something, if I tell I watch, it is like just waiting and watch, if I tell that I take it as it comes, I watch and I am ready to accept truth, it is not searching truth. If we call it search it is just because we don’t know it yet.

With any spiritual practice you observe, please add the practice of uninterrupted remembrance of the Lord's precious name (namasmarana). 

Only then can you master the natural attributes of greed, anger, etc. It was all about watching, but he asks us to add he practice of the remembrance of the divine, that is Soham for example and he is constantly present in the breath. So it is not just watching and taking it as it comes, but it is adding the divine name and he is telling us by doing that we can master the natural attitudes of greed, anger etc.

And if we master them, we stand still in the mind and we can catch the fish sathya and that is accept truth and if we are able to accept the path of truth, we have to accept right action and that right action has now to do with a certain message related to that divine name and the truth and that is also the path to peace, therefore, we have to understand it right.

Do we understand it?

All the scriptures (sastras) teach but this one key lesson! Since the Lord is the universal goal and this journey of life has Him as the destination for each and every one of you, keep Him constantly in your view and subdue the mind, which makes you wander from the path.

He again refers to the scriptures, here the sastras, they are also part of Veda, everything is part of Veda and he calls it a key lesson.

The Lord is the universal goal; we have to reach that universal ‘love’ of the divine omnipresent and the one only without a second. Our journey of life has him as destination for each and every one of us. That is why we should keep him constantly in our view and that happens in standing still in the mind, watch, meditate, go beyond the mind, it is the mind that makes us go into wrong conclusions and it makes us wander from the path.

What is the key lesson? Watch and add the divine name in remembering it always.

I was continuing with the book yesterday now with the second chapter and it is good.

So I resumed it kind of, but also in thinking it over.

The second chapter is the wonderful child and how it got hurt.

Wonderful is again the key, w - for wonder, o – optimisms, naiveté, dependence, emotions, and resilience, free play, uniqueness, love and it is the word - wonderful. As I read the book in German it is also a control if I understand it right.

That is the second chapter in the book, ‘Homecoming’ from John Bradshaw. First I resume it and I try to share insights about the inner child work and our experience in the Darshan.

In the Darshan all in the beginning was the insight, it is about ‘wonder’ and I didn’t understand that word really, I didn’t know if it was positive or negative, often it is in English, but that was in German. If we see it in the light of the child we know it is positive, it explores and tries to know itself. I don’t know how many times I have to think it over to remember it.

Wonder is also described as ‘energy’ and if we take his words we have, ‘without enthusiasm, courage, devotion, energy, readiness and sincerity nothing can be achieved' (Baba).

So I would say that wonder is part of energy. It is not negative at all, even if we translate it as greed for wonder in German, what is also a trace of negativity in it.

I think the translation it not okay, it means miracle, wonder, astonishment and mystification, I don’t think that the word ‘Neugierde’ is the right word in the translation, but it is also translated in the book like that and it was in the insight as ‘Neugierde’ and not as wonder and amazement and that feels like critics, because it can also be negative. If we translate it word by word it means greed for something new. I didn’t know if it was positive or not, it felt more like critics and that is was not just about self-improvement, but about greed for what is new and we just have that word ‘greed’ in the last thoughts for the day.

Neu is new and Gier is greed. So it had both in it, but in the book it is only positive, it is the first impression of the new born and it wants to explore and experience the world. If the parents don’t allow it, it will hinder the child.

And I think that is the mirror of the translation, my parents hindered it and therefore, the child was not free to explore it. If the parents are against it the child’s uniqueness it will close down and not be open to risks anymore. For such a child life is a problem that has to be solved and it is not anymore open and it goes for safety first.

So if I said that I began to watch it is because of that reason, life was a problem that has to be solved and I began to watch with the aim to solve that problem and as I had been let down, I didn’t know how to open to risk anymore. With TM we went for safety first and with the Lord it looked safe as well, but in fact it was the biggest risk.  

It is not only I but the Swiss tendency to go for safety, we have that many insurances because it goes for safety first, and it is also only possible because it is a small country.

So it could have to do with that cultural background that it was translated as ‘Neugierde’ in German and not English and I wondered if it was good or bad, was it good that I was with the Lord that it felt like 'Neugierde’ in Darshan or was it bad?  

Actually with the Lord we went for no risk and that was the biggest illusion. Because there was love, we thought we would be okay. I didn’t know how to get there, as I didn’t know why I felt like that. The conflict between risk and no risk, with the Lord we could go for it, because he was behind it.  

Wonderful, the second letter is o like optimism, thinking positively, and trust in the world. It is about the divine inner child, trusting in Lord as he is love and the parents. The child had to trust fully in the people and his family.

We don’t have a computer system that tells us what to do. When a child is abused and misused, it gets with the time into pessimism and that it has to manipulate the environment to gets what it wants and that is the level of the neighbor.

Instead of using its strength to be in touch with the environment, it is convinced that it has to manipulate the person that it happens what should happen. We find that in our neighborhood, it was all manipulation only the reason behind; it was ignored by my mother and with her by all others. We can think that the neighbor was pessimistic and he didn’t see any other way to get what he wanted than in manipulation and he had a village consciousness, what has to do with my father and the echo coming back from the village consciousness.

I don’t know him that well, but that it resulted in manipulation only that is a fact and that my mother had a pride problem and was not able to accept that, is also a fact now.  

Optimisms and trust are the pillars and the soul for intimacy.

If we go for intimacy, we have to know that we can be vulnerable. We can never make enough experience to trust someone totally, we have to take a risk and the neighbor was too much risk in that sense. My mother wanted to see only the good and she was running around to make it ‘good’ and she didn’t want to see what was not good and that was dangerous, because the village consciousness came back the way it was and we have to accept truth, we cannot just see good and ignore truth.

I trusted in the Lord and that opened the door for it. Only if we are optimistic we can see good and be good and feel good. It is what you said if the glass if half full or half empty, if it is about optimism it is half full and not half empty.

Next word is naive.  It makes the inner child attractive, charming and innocent, as it is the inner child and the Lord is the parents. For the inner child it is also the lust principle or pleasure and they have a feeling for what is good and bad.

The small child has to be watched. It is experimenting with everything also with what is poisonous and the child is surprised when the caretaker is not happy about it, the caretaker or parent has to be patient and if that is missing, it is overwhelming for the child.

In most of the cases of child abuse the caretaker is convinced that it the child has bad intentions. The adult expects from the child a maturity which is not real on the child level. His tendency to explore is misunderstood as bad intention and sin what is used in the most cruel ways to punish a child.

There are lots of regressive practices of child rearing.

Montessori was great and it opened my eyes about the adults and the gap between the adults and the child that is why I liked to go for it and it was not only about a job, with my parent’s house I could only benefit from the Montessori training.  

The next point is dependence. The caretaker has to notice the need of the child and be able to meet with it. If the parents are themselves living in an unfulfilled need they are not able to meet the needy child. They use the child as an extension of their own person. That is my mother or it was in my parents. She got enervated if we showed a need expecting us to be old enough or grown up and she had to save the father. It felt like she made the child part of the extension of their own life, we had to listen her talking non-stop about him only and when we were tired of it and said something we were ungrateful etc. Once I asked her about respect, I didn’t know how to see respect in all of that. She got upset and said that I should be old enough to know about it and that I never grow up and there was nothing I could do with that answer, she didn’t take my question serious or tried to know why I asked it. She didn’t know it herself; she just made it look like she was in control and like she knew, because she had her savior role.

There was no need met by my parents, every need was too much and they avoided it or put us in question and after my father said, ‘you are still too young’.

Without relationship and love we cannot live. If a child is hurt, it isolates itself or it retires or it tries to get it from elsewhere and that is certainly what was present in me afterwards, I tried all tree, I isolated myself and I retired and as I didn’t wanted to get back to them I tried to get it elsewhere and that was with divinity.

As soon as I came back home, it was for five minutes great and then I wanted to leave again and never come back, that was always the same vicious circle and I didn’t know why, I began to think that I wanted to travel and I saw it not anymore as the reaction to get away from something, but my own with to travel, when it was in reality the result of the feeling in the parent’s house, I just wanted to leave, get out of it, go away. They were only concerned about themselves; we had like no room and not part in it.

Feelings and laughing is an expression of humor. I noticed an expression of humor in my daughter when she sat as small girl in front of her father's suitcase and she took his underwear out of it and the smile in her face was just great. I made photo of it and a long time I didn’t see what it should be a problem to be a family, only he has no humor. It took a long time to get aware that the humor was missing.

And my mother was like that, she always said, ‘don’t laugh so loud, we all laughed and I was not louder than the other and she said it as habit to the oldest always, maybe because I was the older, maybe she picked on me or she felt that I didn’t know how to defend myself, she said it to me no matter how loud the others were laughing and I hated her for it. I just didn’t feel that hatred and I didn’t know that it was hatred, but today I know.

 We had to get aware that it was different and behind I was right and everything else was wrong and to get aware of that was also a shock. And I began to question it and I really had feeling of hatred, I just didn’t know that it was the mother as she always used the father to punish; I thought it was the father. I didn’t wanted to go back anymore, I didn’t want to listen to her and see her anymore and some time I really managed to stay away and I got married without them being present etc. We went to see them in Spain, but we also were away for a lot of time and they didn’t care about it and I hated her for it.

It was incredible the joy in Darshan and it seemed nearly not possible that it felt that screwed up with my family. I tried to keep distance as much as I could, she had no idea how I felt. There was always something wrong, no matter what we did.

It is called in that book the primal pain and primal work and Osho’s therapy worked on that level, it was a lot about primal work, it has to do with mourning and grieving and only if we mourn it enough we are able to heal it.

Resilience we know from TM, I know it more with the expression, flexibility and I know from that my ex was not flexible. If we are younger we are more flexible and it is associated with courage.

Without enthusiasm, courage, devotion, energy, readiness and sincerity nothing can be achieved. (Baba)

We have courage together with flexibility. With TM we had to keep the balance between infinite flexibility and infinite stability.

And we know now that if there is no light, there is no devotion and energy we had also already it was at the beginning in the chapter of wonder it was mostly about energy and the difference if it is positive or negative energy.  And now it is about flexibility and courage.  

Free play that must be a catastrophe with my parents. The free play allows the child to transcend the routine and the level of habits and that we can see in Darshan, it was all based on being free, we didn’t have to attend a Darshan and therefore, it was not felt that it was the same always and a repetition.

He tells about Nietzsche, to appreciate the play of the child we have to find the sincerity again the child had in playing when it was a child. And here was have the sincerity.

Next comes uniqueness, the wholeness in the child makes it to something unique and wonderful and precious. Precious stones and gold have value, but that child has much more value. If the caretaker is not giving back to a child the feedback of that preciousness and as it really is, the child loses the feeling that it is something special.

Children are by nature spiritual and whole, it is yet naïve and without critics and only later will be developed a mature and reflecting core of spirituality. To spirituality belongs a part that is deep hidden in us and it is our true self. If we are spiritual we stay in contact with our uniqueness, it is our being and our special features. To spirituality belongs the feeling that we belong to something that is bigger than ourselves. He tells that he believes that it is the I-ness that makes us similar to God. If people have developed a feeling for it they are in harmony with their own self and can accept themselves and it is the nature of the child knowing how, it tells ‘I am who I am’. And God tell to Moses, ‘I am the – I am that’ and in the that I am is the deeper sense of spirituality.

He makes the spiritual injury responsible for it that we grow into dependent, shameful adult children. The ruin of a man or a woman tells the story how a unique divine child has lost the feeling for ‘I am who I am’.

The next part is about love. A child has to be loved before it can love. The healthy development of child is depending on an adult loving it and accepting it as it is. If we love a child not for its own sake, it cannot develop that love. The troubles in the child’s experience are the result of deprivation of love. The is growing up in an environment deprived of love and in the adult child is always that hunger for love, because it never got the love it should have. We have find a way to take care of the inner child and be the caretaker it never had before.

The spiritual wound is the result of a wounded divine child and the loss of a natural feeling for itself. The uniqueness of the child has to be acknowledged by the parents. The time we spend with the child. Parents create shame if they have not enough time for them.

If a mother is an alcoholic she has no time for the children and it is with all addictions the case, also with work addiction and the parents are constantly under stress, it can also be with a religious activities, eating disorders or control freaks, perfectionisms or sicknesses, whatever the reason that the parents are focused only on their own problems, they have no time to watch their own children and the uniqueness of the child gets lost or overshadowed, because they have no time for it. That is called neurotic families, no time to speak, no time to listen, they are that occupied with their life and their own neuroses, they don’t have time to love the child and to give him the feeling that it is special.

The frustration and longing of such a child to be loved is the biggest trauma it can experience. Some parents are in need themselves and are therefore not able to give the child what it needs. The child usually gets wounded when itself is in need and would need the attention it should have and that makes me remember how I felt when I went the first time to America.

Whatever I did, whatever I said, seemed to be just a bother or passing by unheard and finally there was that job in the motel I went to learn English and it was just a job and I didn’t like that job and my parents ignored it totally after I came back I got that ‘no’ from my mother’s side and it was like cut off, it had no relationship whatsoever with what I told her and in fact today I know she was only concerned about what they had done and if I said something I put that in question and it was ‘no’.

Whatever I said, my mother said no and I had always the feeling she didn’t hear it. That image of them working together standing there and no interest how I arrived and that it was not organized, nobody took any responsibility for it and it was my problem. I just didn’t understand it, they were like not present. In the mean time I know that it was the mother’s attitude, the father left it to her and was at her side, if it was right or not, he didn’t question it.

The education of my parents was no more felt and after I came back it was not possible to find the feeling of being home anymore, I felt homesick in my parent’s house, I missed the little girl I had been in that place and that is why I wanted to leave on the spot again. I didn’t like the person they made out of me, it had no nothing, no feeling, no character, no dignity, no beauty, no wisdom, no reason to talk, nothing to tell and if we tried, we just had to shed up.

It was a strange place to come back and to know that is actually my parent’s house or it should be, but I get homesick being here and I have to leave I cannot take it.

I didn’t come back afterwards anymore or only if I had to, I went for a visit after I had been with the Lord trying to get what was wrong by insights.

Everything what had been unique and it feels unique if we see it in the light of the divine and we can remember the childhood as it had been before, but it got lost, they felt like walking around with blinders and when they opened up it was just to criticize and to tell what do you have, there is nothing or you are ‘too young’ or you could never do that, or you should not.

Going for a visit in my parent’s house was the experience of getting homesick, the child was gone I had been once, the right to be there was gone, they didn’t feel like family anymore.

But for them it was like nothing had happened, it seemed all was as before, but for them only, I couldn’t find myself in it anymore. And with that feeling it was not possible to face the world and to know how to live my life. So I did my job and I was searching for truth and I began to go in direction of the higher self as self-realization had been present during the time I wrote my diary and that attitude of my mother reflects that she refused to look at the neighborhood and what had happened and she avoided to accept truth. She lived in her illusion and went on in that illusion.

In the presence of the Lord it came up what had happened in the parent’s house and when and how and why I had been let down by them and that it was ignored and avoided by the mother due to pride and attachment.

I found that text in the internet about the triangle.

https://holisticworld.co.uk/your_say.php?article_id=77

The Victim-Rescuer-Persecutor Triangle is a psychological model for explaining specific co-dependent, destructive inter-action patterns, which negatively impact our lives. Each position on this triangle has unique, readily identifiable characteristics. Whenever a person becomes entangled in any one of these positions, they literally keep spinning from one position to another, destroying the opportunity for healthy relationships. The good news is that once a person becomes aware of these positions and chooses to break this cycle, they can transcend the V-R-P Triangle. Resolving these dysfunctional behaviours is one of the main keys for healing ourselves and creating healthy relationships. After describing each position and showing how each position relates to the others, I will describe how to break free of this triangle's destructive patterns.

And it feels nearly perfect and it matches the attitude of my mother and the picture I have of my mother.

The Rescuer - Rescuers believe they have all the answers and know the right solutions for others. Although their own lives are often in shambles, they spend hours, days, weeks or even years attempting to change, control and to get love from others. Rescuers frequently wear a false cloak of power and superiority, always appearing to be confident and in control. Rescuers love to take care of and direct the lives of other people. Through controlling and changing others, Rescuers attempt to gain a sense of identity as well as to gain love, attention and respect. They pretend to know more than other people and frequently have an answer for everything, even though they have little, if any, actual knowledge or experience regarding the subject. A Rescuer, on the surface, looks like the "good guy/woman" and is often depicted in movies as the "hero" wearing a white hat and riding a white horse. Rescuers are personified and glorified as saviours or white knights saving others from distress and evil. Without someone, something or a cause to Rescue, these people are lost and jobless! They don't realise they need to rescue themselves!

  Rescuers, people who initially appear to be so caring and self-sacrificing, are often dysfunctional. This is especially true if they are playing the role of Rescuer in an attempt to feel good about themselves, to gain attention, love, feel more powerful or to control others. Oddly enough Rescuers are seldom happy in their own personal life and their relationships are usually in chaos. They never seem to be able to use all their "supposed knowledge" to heal their own lives.

    Victims and Rescuers are drawn together to play out their game. They need each other. After their initial joyful honeymoon, a time during which each is able to "Star" in their favorite role, they soon tire of this very demanding and exhausting game. When either person, or both, gets bored with the game and wants to change or stop, or even to heal themselves, they frequently end up Persecuting each other rather than seeking healthy ways of interacting. Any change can trigger a conflict because the "Game" and the "Rules" have changed. Both the Victim and the Rescuer have a vested interest in keeping this "Dysfunctional Game" going. If they end it and heal, who would they have to play with? Taking personal responsibility and identifying ones own innermost wants, needs and desires is not the strong point of any of the positions on the triangle.

It was not possible to get her of that pattern and it said once in the insight, ‘for your mother it is too late, she is too old’, it was just before I began that inner child workshop.  

She had all the symptoms, it felt like she did it only to feel good herself or to gain attention, love and feel more powerful or to control others.

That didn’t change with us being with divinty. Nothing changed it and when coming back we were always again in the same situation, it was just about getting aware of it.
Maybe something could have changed if I would have gone to Osho at that time when he was in my dream, but somehow it was a strange time, it was just in that time when his secretary left and the troubles on the farm in Oregon began to be in all newspapers.
It was not really a good time to go for it.

But it is definitely that work with the inner child what makes us aware of the problem and when I went for it and applied for that inner child workshop it was also in the insight as ‘right’, and I thought the workshop was right and I don’t know what I expected, the answer we get now I hoped to get and that we didn’t get, we just began to know it and we had to learn and make the experience of it to be able to get there, the answers we wanted are coming only now and now we even know why.