From Untruth to Truth

You must proceed ever towards strength (balam); you must not take to untruth, wickedness, crookedness - all of which denote a fundamental fatal trait of cowardice and weakness (Balaheenam). Weakness is born of accepting as true a lower image of yourself than you truly are. You believe you are the husk, but you really are the kernel. This is a key fact. All your spiritual practices must be directed to the removal of the husk and the revelation of the kernel. So long as you say, “I am”, there is bound to be fear, but once you say and feel, “Aham Brahmasmi” (I am Divine), you get infinite strength. The influence of the Divine is so subtle and strong that while you are contemplating on Him, all traces of envy and greed will disappear from your mind. The pure love the cowherds (Gopis) had for Lord Krishna is a great example. This is the characteristic of Divine Incarnations at all times.

Baba (thought for the day)

 After the strength of the elephant yesterday and it means always seeing the good only, today Baba mentions the reason for weakness. Balarama is Krishna’s brother and he was known as the one who is very strong. And I remember how I read the Krishna books and I enjoyed it and it came alive in Baba during the Darshan there was a blue light around him and in the night in the dream I danced with Krishna.

And what does make us weak, if we take to untruth, wickedness, crookedness, all of which denote a fundamental fatal trait of cowardice and weakness.

On the level of Atma is no arguing possible, it is only possible on the mind level.

Weakness is born of accepting as true a lower image of yourself than you truly are. You believe you are the husk, but you really are the kernel. This is a key fact.

It is illusion if we accept the false as true, we see happiness on the wrong place, we don’t see who we really are, but what we are not. In other words, we live in the body and think it is all there is and we know everything, because everybody has a body, what is a wrong conclusion.

To listen, think it over and absorb or to reflect on Baba’s words has nothing to do with arguing.

Baba is not on the mind level, he is the embodiment of Atma, truth only. To look for the fault on the wrong place is also illusion; to see arguing where it is not is also deluded and not true. If we are in the body complex we believe we are the husk and we are in reality the kernel and what the others think that is the mind. As Baba calls it here it is a key fact.

What does that mean? It is not for argumentation we question it; there is nothing to argue about it. 

All your spiritual practices must be directed to the removal of the husk and the revelation of the kernel.

It is a spiritual practice and that is directed in removal of the husk and it has the aim the revelation of the kernel and that is why we use Baba’s words.

 So long as you say, “I am”, there is bound to be fear, but once you say and feel, “Aham Brahmasmi” (I am Divine), you get infinite strength. The influence of the Divine is so subtle and strong that while you are contemplating on Him, all traces of envy and greed will disappear from your mind. The pure love the cowherds (Gopis) had for Lord Krishna is a great example. This is the characteristic of Divine Incarnations at all times.

 If we are only aware that ‘we are’ there is fear, therefore, as explained in his words, fear is the result of not knowing who we are, there should be no fear. If we feel just ‘I am’ there is still fear, but once we feel that, ‘I am that’, ‘I am Brahman’, ‘I am God’ is all the same it means I am divine, we get infinite strength.
That is the strength of the elephant.

And he is telling us that the influence of the divine is subtle and strong and while we are contemplating and that is what we do here, we contemplate his words in our own life.

It has nothing to do with arguing, there is now way we can argue about it, the insight is always the same, truth is always the same, ‘I am that’, there is nothing to argue about it and as he said yesterday, if we make argumentation out of it like the donkey it feels the weight and is not happy about it and the elephant, he disregards the weight and smells the sweetness of the sandalwood in the air, that is the difference.

There is only one truth and if we argue about it or not, it is only one and not two and if there is only one truth, we cannot argue about it, because if we argue or not, it is still the same truth, it is non-sense to argue about something that doesn’t change, because it is for nothing, just to get rid of steam.

If we contemplate on him and feel his divine presence, all negative traces will disappear from the mind and Baba talks here about envy and greed.
You have mentioned the ‘love of the Gopis’, but it is not only love, it is pure love and the experience of pure love we can make only if we understand peace and we accept truth and when we accept the path of truth, we also have to accept right action, when these three things are there, only then we can make the experience of ‘pure love’.
Our love is not the love of the Gopis if it is not pure love and to get to that experience all the human values have to be present and that means it is not unconscious and just there, it is not a blind love, if it is based on truth, right action and peace, it is ‘pure love’ and that love even if we see Gopis with the cowherds and the intellect is on the another level, but that love can be only there if the Gopis are aware of truth and right action and peace and how will we know truth without the intellect.

If we have to know true from not true we have to use discriminate and that is the intellect and if we have to go for right action, we have to know the difference between right action and crookedness as he is telling us here and that needs discrimination and if we go for peace, we have to understand the difference between arguing and the state of peace.

The Gopis don’t have a love deprived of wisdom; the Gopis are the embodiment of wisdom. 

There is no arguing on the level of Atma that is why we have to use his words, there is no disputation on the level of Atma, it is perfect harmony and we have to use again his words to be on the right level.

To think it over and to see it in our own life is not the same as arguing about something and if we think it over and see it in our own life and absorb the wisdom and it is seen as arguing and we get a response on the wrong level as arguing, it is again the mind only and seeing the bad in the good actually. That happens during the study circle a lot.

It has something to do with purification of the mind and being inside enervated and thinking we have to tell what we think and it is true ..., what is nothing but the mind and not truth.

It is a misunderstanding about truth; we think if we tell how we feel it is true and truthful about our own feelings.
Baba is telling us to listen, to think it over and to absorb. If we don’t know that and we never heard about it, it doesn’t mean he has not said it.
If we would listen to his words we would know that he said it, it means just we are not aware of it and we take the right in that moment for the wrong, what is also illusion. We find faults were no faults are and we have to get aware of it.

If we keep on with Baba’s words and get aware of the error and as he said, it is a big mistake to take wisdom for arguing, it is not very different from it when we think arguing is right and we are entitled to do it.

As meditation teacher we had to live that principle and the same with Baba in the ashram, there is no arguing possible on that level, we always tell, go and meditate, but with my ex it was different and very different. He ignored the man who is in our dream to awake us and when Baba said in the dream that I had to come to him to make peace with Baba, it arranged him and therefore, he was letting us go. It would have been out of question that he would have let us go. It arranged him because he could blame us as he always did in the mean time and he also didn’t get aware of it that I didn’t say anything about it. I was not talking to him anymore, I had stopped a while ago as it was of no use and he went on abusing and harassing, therefore, it arranged his mind that I had to go and make peace with Baba so he could take advantage of it and that is why he was letting us go, it was crooked and perverted.

I knew it was a Baba call and I just didn’t tell how I felt also not about joy and stuff like that, because I was afraid he would not let us go as he was that crooked and perverted it was sure he would not have let us go if he would have sensed the scent of divinity in it as I did and the change on the mind level what was in the air. I was until today still surprised that he actually let us go after all and later Baba said, ‘it is perverted’ and I realize only know that exactly that was perverted. He projected something totally different in his own Baba dream and he used it to blame and to abuse and after all that arranged him, he could take advantage of it and in that perverted mind state he let us go thinking actually that he was right. And I was in shock getting aware of it.

In fact, I was scared of that state of mind and I was not showing any joy or any emotion to not make him change his state of mind, because it was our only way out and he was always talking that much that he didn’t notice it. He got aware of it only when we were in the ashram and I didn’t call, I didn’t want to listen to his voice, I had enough of it and the time we have spent together in the ashram was no more. He was kind or crooked and it felt like that and that is what he called ‘perverted’, it is only that upsetting that every time I think it over I get in shock again. He enjoyed that much to not stop arguing about it as it said in the last thought for the day what is a big mistake; he went on and on listening to his own voice heating himself up. And when there was something we enjoyed, he began to talk bad about and he didn’t stop until I felt bad in the end and that he did on all levels. He was used to all that and I usually called it ‘shit in his mind’ and it smelled also like that and not good and it was in no way enjoyable even with the strength of the elephant. I always repeated, with him we went into it, he will find a way and that was the way and I knew he would not come again and help us to get out of it once more if I would go back, that was also clear, it was much too big a risk, but I still don’t really understand that perversion level.

When I realized how exposed we felt and how dependent and how he took advantage of it, it was a shock. He had that in the family and his mother had been like that, she didn’t even know the language really and they talked with her a mix constantly and she also answered some kind of mix. I have nothing against her, but after his father had died and he was about ten years old at that time, as much as I know she didn’t work, she lived from the rent and I guess social care and therefore, it arranged him to recreated a similar situation, but what I know is really not much about it, but it was also a way that felt strange, it was in the air that it was perverted only I didn’t know what it was during the time when I was in that situation, it just felt not right. Something felt always crooked and that is what it was, he took advantage of it. It arranged him in some way that was clear and when Baba said that it was perverted I didn’t know what he meant, but that is usually like that when we see it in Darshan it is an insight but it also has to be understood and we have to see it in the right light to get the right answer.

It seems it had to do with my parents and we also were exposed to my father and we never knew how far he would go and we were constantly scared of him. He said always again that my parents should take care and of course, it was most of all about himself and whatever I told him he didn’t hear it and that also felt strange.
What he did made him feel better only, that it was perverted that was in the air but to get the feeling of it is that offending, it is difficult to get the feeling for it. I guess I go in shock every time I remember it. He also said that we were in a mud hole and the child was the first one to go and in the background was Baba’s voice and he said, ‘and what now?’

Everything what he did make himself feel better. He said that he never could have done that to American women, it made me feel like shit, I had in mind that it was the highest and what I had to face was the lowest. We had an interview just before her birth and Baba asked him, ‘with whom did you come?’ and he said, ‘with my wife’ and Baba asked, ‘who, who, who’ and he asked three women in the US group side, they had interview with us and of course they all said no and I felt totally strange. Afterwards he asked me what I wanted a boy or a girl and I answered,  and I answered, ‘whatever you will give’ and I noticed for a moment in his face that he didn’t seem to like the answer, today I know it told him that I thought it was his Lila and he had done that relationship and because I thought that, it was not all, when we left the interview room he gave all some vibuthi and he took some out of my hand again and that means less not more and as I saw it as his Lila, it means it was less and I had on the spot  a not so good feeling about it. I was sure that it was a Baba Lila, because he was in my dream and told me why I was that old and not married and I should not worry, he would take care of it, so now it was like that and that was it, the time with him and the waiting lead to that, so I thought it was a Lila.
To get aware of perversion if kind of awkward and there were only negative insights and how should that small good, it tasted the way it looked really, no not really as I thought that it was a Baba Lila I lived in the idea that it was a Baba Lila and I went on, there was ruin in the air, in the dream was a homeless beggar woman and he had vampire teeth and a very long nose and demons look like that. It was not nice to get aware of it. It seemed impossible that I went into such a  situation, it was incomprehensible. It was all crooked, it was not based on truth, it was all falsehood only and it was kind of difficult to get aware of it, it didn’t make any sense, why was there always that perversion in the air, now it was not easy to get aware of Tamas, it was that awful actually that I just had no idea what it was and I still cannot take it. .

It was  like the ground opened up and there was nothing I could hold on anymore and it went down the escalator as it had been in the dream, with him I was sliding down as it felt like ruin. It was a shock; I didn’t know what to think about it anymore, on the feeling level it was a disaster and I couldn’t sleep anymore and I dreamt of suicide and after all, it will never taste good and change the scent, even with the strength of an elephant it smells like shit.

Atman reflects and he had vampire teeth and a long nose, there were two faces. He took only advantage of it but how did that feel?. He made it clear that we were only there so he could enjoy us and take advantage of it and the same he said about his daughter. As there was Baba behind it I didn’t associated it to the fear I had all my life in the presence of my father. In the insight was that the mother was attached, there was an avalanche after her death and that is attachment and when she told about the death of a neighbor there was a precipice and that means pride. It means we were exposed to the father and she didn’t do anything about it, she just talked about it and warned us to be at his side in the next moment again.

And he didn’t want to take care of the family, he wanted to be taken care of himself and he said he wanted to stay home to enjoy his daughter. There was that fear what he was able to do if she got older as he seemed to have no scruple and I couldn’t trust in that state of mind for one moment and that is my father. He said in the insight that  I married the father and I never trusted him, that perversion level is that difficult to get. But I didn’t dare to think what he could do to her when she gets older, as he was perverted enough to be able to do anything.

There was constantly that fear in the air that if I would tell him how I feel that someone would get killed, it felt real and I didn’t understand it of I felt bad about it, but there is real reason behind it, as he was only taking advantage of it and enjoying it.

It was like in the movie 'Dolores' from Steven King, a similar atmosphere only Dolores killed him after she noticed that he touched her daughter. I was living in a false safety based on the presence of Baba and I was not aware of it. I got so angry I knew it got dangerous if he goes on like that and the question was only who would survive it and I thought probably I would get killed and the poor child. That was the result of a Baba Lila, a total disaster.

We have to see it in our own life and that is how we get aware of the insights, but it is always again a shock. There was no feeling and he was ugly and perverted, right expression for it, he was old and perverted and getting aware of the perversion, it is still difficulties to take it. There was no love in him and what about pure love? So that is the perversion and how we get aware of it. He would have destroyed our life without a second thought and he would have blamed us for it, the way he said he could not have done that with an American woman, no he only could do it with a stupid devotee and that how out of the highest ideal we make it the biggest shit and turn it into Tamas. That is why in his mind I was that stupid and had to go and make peace with a Sai Baba, but the scent of that mind state is not sweet and nice and it still smells like shit and it is really about destroying a person and he became always uglier as time went by while I still hoped for the best and to find a trace of devotion in him.

I don’t know my father very well and avoided his presence always, but we were with them in Spain and we waited to come back here and we could use the apartment of a devotee for six months and in that time I had to find a job and a room. The father was sabotaging out time together, the first day he went with mother to the hairdresser and he walked home and she was looking for him all over and went even to the police station to find him and she found him with us at home finally and she was upset and the next day he cut a tree the top away and asked her afterwards how she liked it. She was that angry she was kind out of her mind and the third time we wanted to go to a parade and he was drunk, but she took him anyhow with her and afterwards I noticed that she was like cooking inside and she couldn’t let it out on him, she was afraid of him and therefore, he let it out on us and nothing was right anymore whatever we did and especially because we went to India and we came back and she saw everything only bad, she had been in his claws and afterwards as he did before he told me to go and wanted to throw me out of the house, it had happened when I was a teenager three times and I never understood what really has happened. If I would have been alone, that would have happened as always, but with the child it didn’t happen and I knew I had an advantage of a family which was of family because of my daughter. I went in an ashram and hoped to find a different life and  I had to face what I had left behind and that made me not feel good at all. So my ex was the same, he spoiled whatever was good and if there was joy he didn’t stop talking and harassing until it was gone with the result that I was listening constantly to tapes with spiritual lectures to not hear it and I didn’t talk to him anymore and he didn’t even noticed it. So I didn’t show the joy when we went to Baba to not get him to the idea to spoil it.

For him it was only an opportunity taking advantage of it, he used it to go into developing his imaginative capacity of the mind and Baba gave him all that for his pleasure only.

He was ugly and perverted and old and the ugliest person I have ever met and there is no way that will change, it is the scent of perversion and that scent is not very enjoyable. It would be real stupid if after all we would be able to go into that again, such a crooked mind and if we would, we would be actually not only stupid, it would be suicide, we could as well blow our brain out on the spot, it would be far better than to be subjected to his attitude of mind.

We could have been hardly more stupid than going to him and to believe everything and to get in the grip of such people who took only advantage of it. Could it get worse? It would have been worse in a concentration camp, that was the dream I had once, my father was a Nazi and the family was in the concentration camp. It was in no way rewarding or elevating, it is the scent of shit remembering it as it is about truth only. We went there and were waiting and waiting and spending our life in a waiting state to end up like that. That is the sweet scent of truth as we had experienced it. We talk about the strength of an elephant, if I would have had the strength of an elephant on a body level he wouldn’t be alive, that is sure and it would have just looked like an accident, we don’t get too close to an elephant if we are clever.

He destroyed every positive influence and feeling with his sick attitude. I didn’t think I would ever be possible to feel the reality of the strength of an elephant again. In Baba’s presence with all that sweet talk about love meeting such perverted guys who took only advantage of it and it was not even possible to get aware of it and all was good and all was beautiful and so on and so on.

From the moment we left until today I was just glad I didn’t have to see him, didn’t have to talk to him and didn’t have to listen to his bullshit anymore. I never missed him for a moment, I have today still problems in accepting the state of perversion we had been in, but I am glad we left already twenty years ago. First there was still the hope that we would meet again in Baba’s presence and it was mostly about the daughter and I hoped we would see him again, but knowing how perverted it was, it is kind of impossible, isn’t it.

What I have in mind are grown up men walking in the ashram seemingly as far away as they can be and that is what I was thinking last year after a Bhajan and I walked back to my cold room where my hip was in pain, the fan was on always and I was hardly able to walk anymore and the lady with me in the room as unable to sleep without it and she had been there first and it was still cold and monsoon and raining and the climate was terrible and I was thinking about that distance and there was someone walking in the opposite direction, far away and when I looked at him he smiled and you know, there was nothing but ‘love’.

I was for a moment scared of it, because it hit me to feel ‘love’, because it took all distance away and now I remember it with a smile. That is the sweet scent and it is about a state of being and the higher self and that is also present, but also the accident and catastrophe and it is part of it after all it is my own life and it is mirrored in the relationship to my father.

It had to do with the insight, after death of my father he was in my dream and said he has to tell me something, maybe because I had been let down by them, so they had to tell me something after death still, there was something that had remind open and they didn’t take care of during their life time that is how it felt. He was on a dark place and there was a bridge and he was in the river bed and it was that dark and steep, he couldn’t get out of it and the light was far away like a small star when Lord Yama came and gave Darshan. After the death of my mother the same happened, one morning she was sitting at the side of my bed and I got scared when I noticed her because she felt that close and she said that she didn’t get the last sermon.

Yes, men are walking tall and like the rulers of the world, sometimes I wonder that they even exist and I don’t feel it anymore. And if there is love it is okay and if there is joy it is great, but it has not to do with the person, only with the scent in the air and that it feels good. Truth is father and love is mother.

I don’t remember one man who said something sensible in all those years, they all had in mind only one thing and great it is not anymore in focus. 

As long as we don’t have to live with them, as long as we don’t get too close to the crookedness of the mind.