The Lord knows Best

Forgetting the primary goal of life, man wastes his time. Time is precious.

Death is dangling its sword over every head. Our life span is fast diminishing, like water leaking through a broken pot or a melting block of ice.

Death overtakes man even before he realizes his mission in life. 

When we want to go to a cinema, or for an evening walk, we get ready by putting on our shoes. When we want to visit a nearby town, we pack our clothes in a bag. But what preparations do you make for the ultimate journey, the voyage of death?

All are beggars at the gate of God.

The hero is he who does not beg or cringe or flatter or fawn. He knows that the Lord knows best.

Baba 

What is the primary goal of life? 

I would say it is self-realization and he doesn't tell it here, he just tells us to not waste time. 

If time is that precious and we don't know the primary goal of life, what happens if we think we know and we still don't know? 

We waste not only life, but we get stuck and are on the wrong path. 

To know that death is dangling its sword over our head and we don't know exactly how to take care of that primary goal of life, that doesn't feel too good, doesn't it? How to understand it right?

It means this is a call to not waste life. We are a melting block of ice fast diminishing. And if death overtakes man before he had even time to realize his mission in life, what happens? We begin all over again.

And he tells that we also put on shoes to go to the cinema. We have to put on shoes. 

Baba is playing with that metaphor shoes. 

When he left the body he said, nothing left but an empty Western shoe. 

It didn't feel good. But there were some slippers, two different types of Indian slippers. 

And not long ago I also got in the dream a Western shoe or kind of slipper. To understand those insights in the dream is a different matter and it is not that easy.   

Death overtakes man even before he realizes his mission in life. 

I guess I don't like the way he let me alone. 

Baba said he was husband and he would take care and I had to take care all alone and I couldn't see him and I felt frustrated because I don't find good company here with the devotees. It made me feel miserable and not at all feel good, they were just demanding, after I felt for a moment good and then I wanted to go somewhere else again. I guess that has stabilized somehow know by writing and on a certain level it just doesn't matter anymore, it is like it gets dissolved in sand. 

We get ready by putting on shoes, when going on a trip. What preparations do we take for the ultimate journey?

It was not that much about the ultimate journey, it was more about understanding it. 

When Baba left the body he said, no more husband, nothing left but an empty Western shoe. 

He said that exactly at the time when he left the body, it was 7.40. 

I didn't sleep well that night, I woke always up and didn't believe what happened. It felt that strange and inside I spoke with him. I lived in front of the ashram and was unhappy, because I didn't get our room. I woke up by his words. Over the door of my room was a big watch and it said exactly that time and it felt final, he had left. I woke up in a shock. It felt awful, not only because of what he said, but also how he left us alone staying alone back here, it felt hardly not bearable. It was a difficult time and incredible sad. 

I noticed in the background of my consciousness that I asked him at night what I would do without him. 

It felt to me like he left me alone back here and I was not even aware how hard it was. I didn't want it and I fell asleep and it was all very difficult and I was not aware that I had such an inside relationship with him, I wondered what I would do without him? 

And even more I wondered about my thoughts. I felt that unhappy about it, it was like I didn't know myself. 

I didn't like to stay back alone. It was that sad that he left and that no more husband felt for me like that sword over my head. 

That all came up during the time when Baba left the body. 

He had been present during that time before he left the body. No more husband, nothing left but empty big old men Western shoes, felt like a curse and it had to do with my ex and in the mean time I got some new slippers not long ago and they looked different, women slippers. 

I was demotivated because of the relationship with my ex. 

I didn't get that stupid donor room alone and it was like nothing worked out properly, as it had been before in the ashram. 

It was all disturbed and not as it had been before. 

I was frustrated and upset. I had left behind me a beautiful life in the ashram with Baba to be trapped in that situation and I was not even anymore able to go and see him and all that because of that stupid guy telling me that he wanted a wife and that I belonged to him.

The pain was such, it was hardly to bear, there was something silently screaming in me. 

Since years I live alone with the child and he gives a shit about us. 

He never asked how we were or how we went along. It feels even too bad to hate that guy, I don't feel anything at all, just never ever bother about him again. 

He might be the father of his daughter, the biological father, but he has never been father or husband or anything else otherwise, but a stupid guy who was just taking advantage of a Sai Baba Lila and interpreted everything in his favor. 

He just went there to feel good and he went there again, because Baba presence solved his emotional problems, Baba took care of it, so why should he bother about relationship or taking care of his daughter or taking care of anything. 

After we left he wrote he would take the path of least effort, that means we could expect from his side less than nothing, only aggravation.

Baba took care of his emotional needs, so he went there once a year in the ashram for a month and we could look that we got along by ourselves. That is about the typical and worst spiritual abuse we can think of, he took also advantage of it. He didn't put his teaching into practice. 

Why should we bother about anybody, if we can go a month every year in Baba's presence and afterwards we feel good again, he takes care of our emotional needs and we feel better, it is a life only focused on the ego. 

He didn't put it into practice, he did the opposite, he took advantage of it. 

There was no love. 

He didn't live the message of Baba, 'begin the day with love, fill the day with love, end the day with love, that is the way to God'.

He lived it like, don't begin the day with love, don't spend the day with love and don't end the day with love, that is the way to my ego, just go to Baba once a year and stay in his presence for a month and he will take care of it, just feel good and it will go on like that, just selfish means. 

That is the way we can take advantage of it and use Baba's love only for selfish purposes. 

And I don't believe that I was together with such a person. It destroys my self-esteem and self-respect.  

The hero is he who does not beg or cringe or flatter or fawn. He knows that the Lord knows best.

Baba asked in the interview room three times how I felt and I didn't know and finally I said, 'you know' and by that - knowing that he actually knows best - it ended, he let it open.  

But it is a bit difficult to get there sometimes, it comes up like now, out of nothing, like no reason for it whatsoever, nothing but memory, but in it is actually the reality and insight of how we are able to take advantage of it.

I was thinking about it, because Baba said that my ex took only advantage of it. 

When Baba left the body he said it inside and I tried to see it right, and today I write it down and this time I know it is right. 

And nobody can figure out how awful it feels of having been in such a relationship with someone like that - hidden behind a Baba Lila and he just took advantage of it.