Meditation and the Mirror of the Self

 

Why Meditation? Japam is the whispered repetition of the mantra with a japa mala and Dhyanam is the mental repetition, we don't even move the tongue. We began first with japam and later with dhyanam. I preferred mental repetition because it was a deeper meditation. Meditation is about self-realization and the self is mirrored in a relationship, it cannot be only technique. We tend to forget in the West that inner divinity and the higher self are not different, it is the same. If we don't have a relationship with the divine, we will also have no relationship to the higher self and if that is lost, we cannot possibly get aware of whom we are and we we got into professional role plays like the meditation teacher. As I was always looking for the higher self and we don't know the difference from a right and a not right path, we just went into meditation.  I know it since Baba told me in the interview room that TM was not the right path, but to realize it why it is like that makes me kind of vulnerable. It is painful. It feels like an open wound. Only difficulties resulted out of it. Even if I always knew, I didn't know that the relationship level got lost. There had been a relationship on the Soul level, like the soulmate, that felt great, but it didn't explained why there was a spiritual marriage afterwards and how can we know who we are, if we don't know the husband?  I didn't expect to get that vulnerable. We have to accept that it was like a mental blackout, because those problems could not be solved, because we were not aware of it.  So much time gone, just gone and we were not aware of the real problem and what effort it needed to get aware of it. We were not aware of the real problem.  Now only it dissolved in the light of the higher self. It is gone and the blackout is also gone and the shock to realize it seems big.  And things come up and look different. The real Problem was not the technique but the lost relationship level, there was no mirror. Baba had asked to whom I belonged, who I was and what our relationship was and only now I understand the reason why he had asked those questions. I didn't know to whom I belonged, I spoke about meditation and was not even aware that it was TM. Because I thought it was just meditation and I didn't know who I was. In fact, I was a TM-teacher and that was our relationship, I talked to her about meditation, because that was the result of it. And I met someone who said he did TM and I still went on because I thought it would be possible to find each other, because of meditation and that didn't work out.  It is kind of a shock after thirty years to realize we couldn't get out of it because of a lost relationship and we couldn't realize who we were out of the same reason. The probably only good thing about it is, that I went on desperately looking for answers because it felt never right. We have become a constant spiritual seeker. It was not possible to stop out of that reason, it never got clear. Now we know why and it feels like wounded and hurt, everything hurts, the past, the pain and the effort to find the reason. What was the reason? The relationship issue got lost behind a soulmate and it was not really about soulmate, but about husband, because it went on into a spiritual marriage and that was the TM-teacher. There was not relationship between soulmate and marriage. That is why Baba had asked that devotee I had to translate for, who I was, to whom I belonged and who our relationship was. But I am no more a TM-teacher and the husband relationship came up and the light of the self made it feel like divorce and the other guy in that light who had power and seemed to be invincible, he got by that bright light eliminated in his role, no more invincible.   It is still too new, therefore, it feels like pain.