One more talk with accommodation, and forget it.
This time I will be for sure not living in the ashram, I will not try anymore. They have standards he said and ex I should never mention again if I want to be accepted in the ashram. And even worse, I dared to question it, and he answered, that is not his problem. I don't know how often I got that answer. And when I mentioned Baba, he said I should not mention him.
Last night I dreamt of a room and my ex send an email to them, they will ignore it, he said.
That is why I got married, as I was pregnant, I couldn't think of living here with those rules being pregnant without being married, those old fashioned rules behind, what they see as dharma, but who am I who dares to question it? I am not even Indian and only a woman.
And last night during dream Baba went with me through the Osho experience and he showed me that it doesn't work, because when older we need more safety, and that is right, that confirmed my experience. Those people loved the freedom of their master, but the one living in relationships couldn't experience it anymore, so they were not fee, but bound, and made that to their ideal and standard, even if it was not Osho at all.
I am not convinced about strict rules also. I told him I cannot sleep and with seven women I would have to take sleeping aid, and that this lakes dignity and in my age I should know myself what is right for me or I have learnt nothing at all, and that I have inside darshan and dreams of Baba, it felt more like it offended him that I deared to even think of Baba. He said once more that this was not his problem. He didn't even listened.
I told him I don't find that allright, and he said, he would throw me out of the ashram. He already went to the phone, and he had not listend to one thing I had said. They are a too quick talking about throwing someone out of the ashram. I wanted to tell, first I have to be in it before you can throw me out, but didn't tell because it would mean to not be allowed to enter again. How strange, and I could not even talk with that guy. I thought, maybe they hold on to rules hoping it would help as Baba is sick?
And I got not even angry, I just wanted to make my point understood, and wanted him to listen, in vain, there was no way.
It felt like women have no rights, not the right to choose for themselves, and ex husband, that felt like crime, even if it was Baba himself who told us not to go back, but there was no way to explain.
Probably I have all those nice inside darshans only because I am outside and not inside. In a room with seven women and that heat is much more disturbance, I cannot be ready or whatever I have been prepared for the last past months, outside I am alone and undisturbed, even if the way to the room is not so calm. Now, what is better?
No question, whatever the reason it is like that, I have to stay outside to be able to by in myself only to be free inside.
This time I will be for sure not living in the ashram, I will not try anymore. They have standards he said and ex I should never mention again if I want to be accepted in the ashram. And even worse, I dared to question it, and he answered, that is not his problem. I don't know how often I got that answer. And when I mentioned Baba, he said I should not mention him.
Last night I dreamt of a room and my ex send an email to them, they will ignore it, he said.
That is why I got married, as I was pregnant, I couldn't think of living here with those rules being pregnant without being married, those old fashioned rules behind, what they see as dharma, but who am I who dares to question it? I am not even Indian and only a woman.
And last night during dream Baba went with me through the Osho experience and he showed me that it doesn't work, because when older we need more safety, and that is right, that confirmed my experience. Those people loved the freedom of their master, but the one living in relationships couldn't experience it anymore, so they were not fee, but bound, and made that to their ideal and standard, even if it was not Osho at all.
I am not convinced about strict rules also. I told him I cannot sleep and with seven women I would have to take sleeping aid, and that this lakes dignity and in my age I should know myself what is right for me or I have learnt nothing at all, and that I have inside darshan and dreams of Baba, it felt more like it offended him that I deared to even think of Baba. He said once more that this was not his problem. He didn't even listened.
I told him I don't find that allright, and he said, he would throw me out of the ashram. He already went to the phone, and he had not listend to one thing I had said. They are a too quick talking about throwing someone out of the ashram. I wanted to tell, first I have to be in it before you can throw me out, but didn't tell because it would mean to not be allowed to enter again. How strange, and I could not even talk with that guy. I thought, maybe they hold on to rules hoping it would help as Baba is sick?
And I got not even angry, I just wanted to make my point understood, and wanted him to listen, in vain, there was no way.
It felt like women have no rights, not the right to choose for themselves, and ex husband, that felt like crime, even if it was Baba himself who told us not to go back, but there was no way to explain.
Probably I have all those nice inside darshans only because I am outside and not inside. In a room with seven women and that heat is much more disturbance, I cannot be ready or whatever I have been prepared for the last past months, outside I am alone and undisturbed, even if the way to the room is not so calm. Now, what is better?
No question, whatever the reason it is like that, I have to stay outside to be able to by in myself only to be free inside.
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