The Self is Waiting

The true meaning of Guru is, 'One who is beyond attributes and forms, the Supreme Self (Brahman)’. When this Self is within you, where is the need to search for a Guru? A teacher who teaches others has had a teacher himself. The one who has no Guru above him is the true Guru. The Sanskrit stanza which hails the Guru as Brahma, Vishnu and Maheshwara and as Parabrahman is misinterpreted. The right approach is to consider Brahma, Vishnu and Maheshwara as the Guru. These three are symbolized by the three gunas or attributes: Brahma is Rajas, Vishnu is Satwa and Shiva represents Tamas. The whole cosmos is constituted by the three gunas and the gunas are present in you. The Trinity are present in the form of the three gunas in every human heart. Hence, you are your own guru. You need not seek him elsewhere. You have to feel at all times your inherent divinity, which is also present in everyone. When you help or feed someone you must feel that the Divine in you is feeding the Divine in others.

Baba

One night it was in the dream as, ‘the self is waiting’. I was writing a book at that time and thought that is was maybe a new title and I titled it like that, but that as not the answer.

With all that writing and thinking about it, I didn’t get the answer. We get the experience of it when thinking over his words. And I wondered why that is so?

As he explained to us before, waking, dream and sleep are three different stages and we have to pass all of them on our journey to self-realization.

The first stage we all know, it is all we think how it is in our mind and the way we experience the body and our identification with the body.

He said it four times not only three times in an interview room and it was kind of shocking, it was like all people were holding their breath and I was fighting with whatever came up by that and also the tears in my eyes. He went to the other room and left me like that, but when he came back he made a beautiful smile and I felt on the spot better and he took my hand and went with me holding hands to the other room.

But that is not the only time he said, wait, he said it also in the dream stage that the self is waiting.

In my meditation it was in my mind and how it feels to wait, just to wait.

If we wait, we get to the conclusion that we watch and observing is in that sense more active than just waiting. I guess I thought that I am observing and waiting and it was about truth and that I had to accept, I had to accept the truth that I had to wait, but that was not as easy as we think it is. It feels like only writing was not really possible, I was always waiting and observing that gave me something to do and what were we observing, we had to accept truth. What was that truth I was waiting for?

Actually it all began with an experience of the higher self during writing my diary I was probably about seventeen and there was a feeling of self-realization. That feeling was it, that moment felt holy and special and sublime and I didn’t dear to talk about it, because I didn’t want to destroy the holiness in it. There had been a few other insights and I was practically nothing doing but waiting and writing and watching my thoughts.

In that age it probably seemed still interesting to see what was going on in my own mind and by watching I had that feeling of self-realization and later I would have liked to get it again, but it was gone and somehow not to be found anymore.

There was that feeling that I had to do it step by step it looked like a ladder and it was clear we had to claim it and the inner master was also present and that felt great, I would have liked to have the inner master near always.

As much as everything made sense as long as I did it, I was also waiting for a neighbor, he was throwing stones at my window and we went together for walks and it felt great, adventurous to walk with him through the night and I thought we were friends and in my diary I idealized the friendship.

I was waiting and not aware of it and afterwards I stopped to write a diary, during the waiting time it had been like a dialogue with the inner master and now it was only a monologue and that didn’t make any sense anymore and I stopped writing and later I didn’t get into it anymore. It was just not possible it was like, how did I do that? It was gone.

And that is how he said in different way that the self is waiting. It means if we are impatient of not, we have to wait, if he tells us that to wait, we should wait, shouldn’t we?

The true meaning of Guru is, 'One who is beyond attributes and forms, the Supreme Self (Brahman)’. When this Self is within you, where is the need to search for a Guru? A teacher who teaches others has had a teacher himself. The one who has no Guru above him is the true Guru. 

If I didn’t wait, I was probably not aware of the self in me, but in that very moment it seemed to me nearly impossible to wait. But after I stopped with writing, there was till that feeling of self-realization and it seemed nowhere to be found anymore and after I had tried about everything what seemed possible, I stopped the search and began to wait. If the higher self had been present before and there had been that feeling of self-realization, it had to be there still and as I couldn’t find it at the outside, I began to wait and watch. The waiting I forgot, but the watching that I knew I was doing, I was waiting and watching to find it I hoped in the end it would be there. 

If we meet the supreme Self (Brahman) within me, where is the need to search for a Guru? In fact, I was waiting and watching and it seemed rather difficult, until the higher self was in the dream stage. It was really present and that is all I wanted really, so there was no need to search for a Guru and I never was on the search for a Guru, but I needed answers, I didn’t know why the higher self was there in my dream and we had to get the right knowledge to be able to understand it and that is why I went to Baba, but not before he had been present as divinity in the heart.

Before I met the higher self in the dream stage, there had been a very frightening moment at work, a manager had problems and I was aware of it, he had some dark shade over his eyes and I noticed it, I saw it in the air, but I had never talked to him and it was kind of alarming and I also didn’t talk about it to anyone, because I didn’t know how to explain that it was in the air.

Could be that that level was not at all accepted in my parent’s house, my brother who was about the same age was studying science and only what could be proved was appreciated and when I tried to say something, I was usually silenced in a rude way that I had nothing to say as long as I didn’t study math first, I was not allowed to have any philosophical insights.

One night Baba was in my dream and this time it was Baba himself and was present as two Babas, the first one was the insight and the second one the following step.

During that time I was watching and fighting my fears, I had already before I left the parent’s house and I didn’t know what to do about it and it was not possible to talk about it or they just said, it was nothing, I don’t remember, but if I couldn’t sleep and I woke up with nightmares, that was none of their concern as it seems.

I began to watch and to fight the fear and by that one night a fear felt like a wall coming and enveloping the body and it was not possible to move and there was the thought that I am going to lose the mind. That was the first fear and the second fear was about suicide and that was about the body level and the fear to die.

But what made it even scarier was that next morning that guy went under the train, it was the son of the manager and I was working for them, somehow I must have felt it.

From that moment on I was sure that the fear in my parent’s house was also not there without reason and that there must be a reason for it, even if that didn’t exist and was avoided from the side of my parents.

The fear was strong enough to make me find another solution, I didn’t want to change anything in my life on the mind and decision level as I hoped the inner self would be there and it would be decided that way. It was scary to wait, but I had to do it anyhow as I took that decision and by doing it I was not sure if it was not rather suicide after that happened and that manager committed suicide. So I had to change something and I applied for a job opportunity in the same place. It was clear, it could or it could not change something and that was the risk I took. I didn’t change anything, but I took the risk of a change with all the feelings coming up I had to face if I didn’t get it and the consequence that I have to stay if I get it.

I was rather glad that I didn’t get it, but the night before I got that answer I experienced a dream stage I will never forget, I was clearly awake and there was the body as a dark form sleeping and there was the higher self and it was a very strong light and so beautiful and love and it was all I loved and wanted and between the dark form of the body sleeping and the higher self was a blue ribbon and it was written ‘self’, that is how I knew for sure that it was the self, because if it would not have been written in the ribbon as self, I probably would have thought it was a light appearance, and anger or something else.

In the morning I also knew what to do and when they told me that I didn’t get the job, I quit. In that moment I was not able to think and also not what would happen later on, I just wanted to start new again and not be any more in that scary situation. It was for sure not the right place and path that was clear, it was about self-destruction and I went out of it and began new with working in a bank and sometime later, after all it was probably a year later, there was again the higher self as light and it was passing by on the way to work and it was between a couple and I was that amazed, I was standing there watching them passing by and there was no way I could talk to them or run behind them, I just had to go on to work and a longing came up at that moment, I was decided to watch and look at everything passing by that very day, it was like a sign or I was decided to take it as a sign and that day the Hare Krishnas came into the bank and sold books. I got the Bhagavad Gita and some other books and began to read it and as I noticed it had to do with the divinity and the higher self and I didn’t understand it, also not why that book was mostly based on the war between the Pandavas and the Kauravas and the role Krishna playing in that war and as it was the most holy book, I began to visit the Hare Krishnas and I asked questions and the answer were not really what I had hoped to find, so I had to go for the experience if I wanted an answer, it was not possible on that level only.

I decided to stay for a vacation with the Hare Krishnas and I had been smoking and I stopped smoking and after fourteen days I decided to go on and I went back in my lonely apartment and quit the job and went to the Hare Krishnas.

Not long ago Baba said in the insight, ‘you had been with the Hare Krishnas, so you served me before’. The problem was, I didn’t understand it at all that service and also not in the light of the higher self I had experienced in my dream and nobody could really explain it to me. They offered everything they ever eat to Krishna only and they distributed the Prasadam on the streets and they only eat that pure food and we did every morning and evening Jappa, that were about three hours together.

I met a guy from Paris and I had problems with the monks I thought they were rude and I didn’t like it and with him it felt better, it was also conditioned by it. He was working for the business of Spiritual Sky and he was not very spiritual after all and probably the chief of the Hare Krishnas put us together, so I had my place. We lived in Paris with nothing on the floor and eat with the hands only and we had no furniture, it was a kind of spiritual Hippie time and in a way I liked it.

We should have married to make it a serious relationship, but for that we were too modern in our thinking and later when I would have been ready for it, he was not and as I didn’t got an answer on that level, I went into meditation going inside. And that felt much better, from the beginning on I was totally happy with my meditation and I never stopped it really anymore.

But with that background about everything seemed to go wrong what was able to go wrong and in the insights began again and this time I was scared about it. There was a big black hole and the air was breaking into pieces and it was kind of impossible to tell that I would ever get to the right answer and why air can break into pieces that was totally impossible.

That is how I got Baba vibuthi and I took some as I didn’t feel okay in my meditation, I was worried and very tired and I didn’t feel okay anymore and it had again to do with a guy I had met during that time and he was even the leader, but that didn’t make him very good or special or more spiritual than others, in the opposite, he lived only for is his role as it seems and therefore, it didn’t took very long and everything what possibly could go wrong seemed to go wrong.

When I took the Baba vibuthi on my tongue there was a very fine feeling and that went downwards in the heart and there it intensified and it was love and there was a small divine form in the heart, that was amazing, that divine form was God.

Divinity in the heart, that is the teaching of Sai Baba and so I knew I would go to him, that was clear and my so called boyfriend was not that happy about it and of course, he didn’t see any responsibility in it. I left and everything seemed upside down, because he didn’t see any responsibility it was about the master in the air the criminal and it was all upside down.

When I had my first interview with Baba, he asked on a certain point, what do you want? And I didn’t know how to tell him, I said that my boyfriend was in New Delhi and I was with him and that was my problem and he asked, who is your friend, is your friend with the Maharishi or is the Maharishi your friend and I obviously didn’t know and Baba answered, that is very difficult to understand, just think about God. TM is not the right path.

So I was now in his presence with lots of insights and noting was clear and the answers didn’t come just like that, there was in Darshan an uprooted tree what had to do with me as well and I didn’t know why uprooted and it said also often, cut off and if we don’t know the source, we cannot understand it.

How could that be changed? If I would have known I would have done it. I had more insights and no answer, like it said that I had been let down by my family and now I didn’t know if I felt cut off and uprooted because of that reason or if it was because of something else.

Once I had an interview and in that he asked a girl, who I was and to whom I belonged and what or relationship was? I thought that was strange that he asked me that and two weeks later we went with him into the mountains and there we lived all together in a house and it was not a strictly separated like in the ashram and I talked about those questions and that someone had heard Baba ask such questions before and nobody said they knew and nobody told me that it was strange, because it was just about myself, but there was guy who said, ‘you belong to me’ and that he knew the answer and I hoped he would be right, I thought he would be a friend and help me to get answer, but he took only advantage of it, telling us that he knew and that he knew it was Sai Baba and later after Baba was in his dream and told him that I had to come back to him to make peace with him and it was not as he thought it should be, he was not at all anymore interested in Sai Baba’s Lila and he ignored it totally.

That is how that relationship was dissolved by Swami in the inner view and I got that divorce and after coming back I began to follow the inner master and not matter what came up, when he was there, I went for it and questioned it.

I had often a neighbor in my dream who I had met during the time I wrote the diary and when he was there, I usually wrote him and asked him why he was still in my dream and that he should just stop it and it went on in the background, it was not really finished and finally I found out that it was about manipulation and that it had to do with the nightmares in the parent’s house before I left and that was totally ignored by the parents. It was like not existing, they didn’t care to notice and so it never was addressed that issue and not possible to get aware of it that it had been about manipulation and finally he died and it said in the inner view, that whoever digs a pit to others, falls himself into it.

That is how it ended. Swami said to us in the interview room, follow the master, fight to the end and finish the game.

With TM the master was not present and the roles were distributed between the TM-teachers, mostly the one I went into with, he felt later in thinking it over like husband, what explains why when I went there and became a TM-teacher myself, it was present as marriage, but the husband got lost. Later thinking back or trying to remember how I got into it and why and who was behind that marriage, it was not clear.

There had been two reason why cut off, one was because the mother and the father and with them the family avoided and ignored what was going on in their neighborhood and when I told them that something was wrong, they just made fun of my feelings and there was that thing with TM that the master was not present and the roles got lost and we get lost in it actually.

With Swami that was present from the beginning on when he asked, ‘where is your husband?’ I heard him asking it often, but he didn’t ask me about it, he asked to whom I belonged and I had no idea why he asked that, but the answer my ex gave was for sure not the right one, I belonged in no way to him as he just took advantage of it.

As soon as the Baba Lila was not anymore in his favor and not interesting for him, he didn’t even look at it, he didn’t respond, he avoided Baba’s Lila, when I told him about it, it felt worse than rotten food, it had lost all value. Nothing about Baba’s teaching was interesting and no understanding for contemplation, not able the meaning when Baba talks about listen, think it over and absorb and he doesn’t get the spiritual purpose in it.

When we listen to him there is never a spiritual purpose, as Baba said with such people the precious value of human life gets worse than rotten food.

It is not even possible on the level of communication as it is a mud hole, no door, no windows, no way out and in that mud hole it was not possible to get any insights or answers to the insights.

The closest reason for it looking at Karma and that nothing happens without reason was that the same was in the father, that he was not interested in looking at the neighborhood and what he had done actually, he didn’t face it in that sense, but blamed us for it, what makes life feel like less than rotten food.  

In that sense the mirror would mean that the father took also advantage of it and made himself feel better in blaming others for the crimes he had committed, if that is the case, it maybe explains the abuse which was present in the brother, the mobbing present in the mother etc.

As it said in the insight that I had married the father, I probably had to face the worst I could in it and that is the abuse level which was present in the brother and incest as well, what is really awkward and it got even worse with the amok. Kind of difficult to acknowledge that something that negative is somehow present in the background, not matter what, sometimes it comes up and it does make sense. Like that taking advantage of it, of course, it is the Baba Lila, because when we met he said that it was Swami and that he knew and afterwards when I wrote him that Baba said, ‘you didn’t listen, you have to get a divorce’, there was no interest in Swami’s Lila anymore, not the slightest interest that is why he wrote back, he would take the path of least effort. He didn’t once asked, why I think Baba said that and what is meant with we didn’t listen, not once he asked, he just ignored it and when he answered, it was a stupid answer.

And once it said that my father was a demon, and when I married the father, I also got together with that, if we don’t understand it, we marry it and as it was not possible to realize on the level of family that it was only about manipulation in the neighborhood and it turned into a catastrophe later one, it was the same type of person, he took only advantage of it, but he was not interested in truth at all, even if he was the one who said, ‘I know you are the wife Baba gives me and he pretended to know by all means and he took everything he could to make it look like that’ and nothing was true, and afterwards he didn’t take any responsibility for what he did actually.

If we get aware that the self is waiting, we wait and think actually we wait.

The waiting is going on even if we don’t get the answer we would like to get.

The Sanskrit stanza which hails the Guru as Brahma, Vishnu and Maheshwara and as Parabrahman is misinterpreted. The right approach is to consider Brahma, Vishnu and Maheshwara as the Guru.

This sentence was also in the puja we had learnt during the TM-course and we had to use to initiate into the mantra. As we had not relationship to the Guru, we actually understood it the right way and Brahma, Vishnu and Maheshvara were the Guru.

These three are symbolized by the three gunas or attributes: Brahma is Rajas, Vishnu is Satwa and Shiva represents Tamas. The whole cosmos is constituted by the three gunas and the gunas are present in you. The Trinity are present in the form of the three gunas in every human heart. Hence, you are your own guru. 

If we get aware of the divinity in that light, he must be in our insight or dream in three different forms, Brahma is the creator and Vishnu is the maintainer and Sathva and Shiva is Tamas, what is upside down. Now I didn’t go to Baba on the search of a Guru, that is the Indian way looking at it, I went because I had to get answer to the many insights and they didn’t make sense and all I got were more insights and I said, cut off several times and if we don’t know the source, we cannot understand it. I was kind of surprised when in thinking it over and during that time I got in touch with the TM-teacher I went into TM, there was that husband in the air and I found myself with Swami in court and it said, ‘divorce’ when I had not even be aware that I was married before to him. How could that be, it felt like marriage when I became a TM-teacher and when it was in the air at the end of the course, I wondered why ‘marriage’ and I wondered where the husband had gone, but there were no answers to that. I thought everything was okay and I went on until nothing made sense anymore.

In the words of Swami he is telling us that our Guru is giving the answers in the heart, it is the inner master and if the higher self is there it is the inner master and we don’t need a Guru. There were that many insights and no answers, it seems to become more and more a problem and it got only better in listening to Baba’s words and thinking it over. The black hole which was there in the insight said that it was trust lost and we didn’t know whom to trust anymore, we don’t know why trust got lost, if it was because the husband was not there or because nobody saw any responsibility. It was the reason that he didn’t see any responsibility that the criminal was above the Maharishi after all. As Baba said in the insight, it is with all of them the same, we have no case. One pushes the responsibility on the other and because the source was not present, the husband, I was totally unaware of that level, it was a soulmate, not a husband, but it was nevertheless a marriage and a marriage doesn’t make sense, when there is no husband and we don’t get usually married with a soulmate, we marry a husband. So it didn’t make sense and it didn’t get clear and in the end I didn’t trust any of them anymore.

Since Baba said he is the insight and the following step, the insights became a different meaning, not just pictures, but they had a meaning and even an important one in our life if they are him, as he is the man who is in our dream to awake us, the following step to the insights is really listening to Baba’s words and to think it over that we are able to absorb. After I was on that court and divorced and he said, it is with all of them the same, we have no case; it means they all don’t see any responsibility.

You need not seek him elsewhere. You have to feel at all times your inherent divinity, which is also present in everyone. When you help or feed someone you must feel that the Divine in you is feeding the Divine in others.

That the divine in us is also in others made me go for it, even if he took only advantage of it. The guru was already present as divinity in the heart, nevertheless, there were no answers and I didn’t understand what had happened and I thought he would help me to get answers, but in fact, he has not the slightest interest in Swami’s Lila.

And if it got lost, because of that husband not being present in the insight, it was anyhow not possible to get answers on that level. If there was a feeling of marriage with TM and the husband relationship was not there, there was no reason for a marriage, the marriage is not the cause, the marriage is the result, if we don’t know the cause, we don’t know why there was a feeling of marriage.

He felt like ‘soulmate’ and he left for initiations to the island La Reunion and I went to the teacher’s training, as he was present as soulmate and I thought it was the right thing to do going in that direction.

I had no idea that it was about husband.

Baba said in the insight, ‘careful husband’ and I tried to understand it and he wanted to call and talk and I couldn’t because I didn’t trust that situation and on a certain point he was present in the insight as ‘divorce and it said, it is with all of them the same, we have no case’, what I think means they see no responsibility, that guy is responsible for it, but he thinks it is TM, but it looks like I went into that teacher’s training only because of him to be able to initiate with him being together with him and during that teacher’s training I began to hate him and we met the Maharishi and at night was in the dream perfect harmony and I went afterwards in that direction and not anymore in the direction of the soulmate and the course ended with the feeling ‘marriage’.

Afterwards there was the national leader and I thought I could learn from him and went with him in a relationship and the lady he knew before came back, she had been on a course with mother divine and when she came back one day everything broke into pieces, it didn’t make sense anymore. It was the air that broke into pieces and I didn’t know anymore whom I could trust and in the dream stage all turned into enemies and during mediation there was a big black hole and that had to do with relationship and replacement partner and no trust, the master was not there and I had to face the fears again, the fear to lose my mind and this time the fear that I would die of tiredness. After that course I went with the leader to the Maharishi hoping it would get still better, still believing that with meditation we could solve all problems, but it was impossible it was confirmed when there was ‘criminal’ above the Maharishi in the air.

That is how I went the first time to Baba, I had to get answers, I had I don’t know how many insights and no answers and since I had the first insight I was actually looking for answers.

That the soulmate was at the place of husband, I had no idea about.

Before I left there was another soulmate and I wrote him later about it, but it didn’t help. Probably I went into TM with a soulmate experience and I went out of it with one. It was like that relationship with the husband was lost in that and not present and there was no way getting aware of it.

It was kind of like Suzanne Segal describing it in her book. She was also a TM-teacher and had probably even more courses behind her and more mediation experience than I had, but she had a similar experience, she wanted to get married and he did also courses and came back from such a course and he said no, he wanted to go on more courses and whatever that was, it was like with that guy who went on that island, he told me to go and do the teacher’s training to be able to initiate afterwards together.

I don’t know if she stopped with mediation practice afterwards, but she was living in Paris and she got married and she was pregnant and one day she saw her I how it got lost, it left her, she lost her I. She could see it how it got lost and in the story of her book she explains how it got lost and how she was in vain looking for the answer to that insight by trying to understand her experience and she wrote that book. That was a similar experience, only for me it was the air braking into pieces.

And only when I heard Baba say in his words, when right action and peace are separate, there are only pieces left. In the night after I read it in the thought for the day, I had an insight and there were three fanfares blown in the dream, telling me – you got the right answer.

In the meantime I know we cannot build on pieces and if nothing is left but pieces, we have to start new again.  

I went on search to understand why the air broke in pieces and there were no answers, it was like Suzanne Segal in her book, ‘Collision with the Infinite’, but as the Maharishi works with science only, she was looking for the answer on that level only, she got even a PHD, but she didn’t find the right answer to her insight. And I met other TM-teachers, one lived in front of the Sai Baba ashram and he still wanted to go and study Vedic science in Bangalore university and I went back for six months and when I came again to the ashram, they told me that he had died, he had cancer and he died very fast, the same way as Suzanne Segal, she also died from cancer and another guy I had been initiating TM with in Zurich, he also came back of one of those big TM-courses and he was sent back and it was also like in pieces, he couldn’t get it together anymore and he went every weekend to Seelisberg and he was desperately seeking for something and I had never seen a more unhappy guy, he couldn’t find it anymore.

He had a good job, he was working with computers and he could have been happy and lived a normal live, but it was impossible, he went every weekend to Seelisberg and he came back worse than before. He couldn’t find it what he was looking for.

We had introductory lectures together and he was like absent when he was talking in his mind constantly searching for what he had lost. It is like he went for it until he noticed it was not there and that he could go on as long as he wanted, it would never be there, but in his mind it had to be there, he was trapped.

The motivation was the friend, it is present in the yogi, yogis are our friends and that is reflected in the higher self and we go in that direction until we know we will never get there, there is no yogi and the friendship was just like an echo, but there is just a black hole left, no friend and in my experience all turned into enemies even.

The black hole is the replacement partner. Reading Osho’s books, all based on his lectures, in one he mentioned TM. There was a guy sitting in his audience, going on with TM mediation and he told him that TM-people get lost, because the master is not at his place and that in the end will be a black hole left only and he talked in general about TM and it was exactly my experience, there was nothing but a huge big black hole left, the master was not present.  

We don’t know the tragic of all those people getting lost as it seems not only to be an individual experience, but a general TM conditioning created by the fact that the master is not present.

I was already on the way to Baba in the Maharishi’s ashram and his right hand told me that it was the same. 
But to get to that feeling of sameness, as it is Veda, took a very long time and Swami said, it was very difficult to understand, but now it begins to make sense and now we also understand why the self is waiting.