In the present times, it is impossible to find virtuous people or virtues holding sway over people's minds. People have lost the fear of a fall and become worse than animals.
During previous centuries, Rajput women immolated themselves rather than fall into the hands of wicked foes. When Hanuman offered to take Sita back to Rama, the virtue of Sita would not allow her to accept the offer. She said that it would best suit her husband's fame if he himself avenges the wrong and rescues her. Hanuman's taking her, would be a repetition of what Ravana did, for he too stole her secretly while Rama was away. She did not consider her immediate relief as more important than the implications of that step to her virtue and her husband's fair name. It all lies in the vision that you command, that you have equipped yourselves with.
Now virtue issue was a real challenge in my life. I was writing a diary and it felt like self realization and what was required was self-control. At that time I was sixteen.
Baba (thought for the day)
I was very sure that I wanted that. And I hoped to find a way to keep that direction and I was hoping I would be able to write.
That was during the time I waited for the neighbor and we went for long walks together, is was mixed between adventure and attraction, but we had ideals. For me it was a question if that relationship could be seen as serious or not. That fact that there was a feeling of self-realization made it holy and sacred.
And while I was still hoping that it would go on, something changed. He told me that he wanted to marry a school teacher, probably he knew her already or had understood that she was a and I don't know if he knew her already, but she lived in the same village, only three years older. Until then my life seemed quite normal and okay, but he left from one day to the next and was never seen again, but he still was in the neighborhood. What seemed to be just a nice relationship and friendship until then, was gone.
That is when nightmares began and I didn't know why, but I stopped writing my diary.
What has seemed easy before going on in direction of self-realization was gone. There were no answers and it was not present anymore. It also had to do with self-control that much I knew, but more I didn't know. When I began to talk about it, there were strange reactions from the side father and friends I didn't understand it at that time, because for me it felt sacred. Mostly it seemed for them impossible that we could reach self-realization. A friend of mine said that it was only possible during the time of Socrates.
As it was my own self-experience in my own consciousness, whatever the others said, it had no influence, I knew it existed and that it was what I wanted. But where had it gone?
It had to do with the neighborhood. It was not possible to anymore, that guy had gone, even if we lived at the same street. He said we could stay friends, and I got aware of it only that it was not so when he went out of my way.
It was also not possible to talk to him anymore and I didn't think anything bad about it, I really thought we could stay friends as he had said. But he was not friend. I let him go, because I was certain if we belonged together he would come back.
But it was not about coming back. It was deceiving, behind was the family problem and my father.
She was out of the same village and it turned into something else, and I didn't know what it was, but it didn't feel good. And it was not possible in my family to even bring up the issue without getting in trouble.
It came up, because it had to do the fact that my father had been in prison, that was already some years ago and we were just beginning school at that time and they both were also kids and in school and in that age we don't forget. I didn't see any reason why he should do that, he never had said a word before about it and it was not felt during the time I had known him, but anyhow later it was in the air that he had a village consciousness. There was something wrong about it.
In Baba's presence that was in the air when I went to Singapore to get the visa and he said that this guy was responsible.
That is how I began to question it instead of trying to forget it. And Baba also said, that my family let me down.
They were no friends and my family let me down, there was no way we couldn't talk about it and that was the reason that my life got upside down. That feeling of self-realization was no more to be found. It was just gone.
It was his village consciousness that dictated and they had turned into the opposite, while my family said always the same thing, mother only, with father we couldn't talk at all and she said, what do you have, there is nothing.
But there was not nothing, they just didn't want to see it and to face it, whatever the reason. It seems it had to do with attachment and pride. I went on that search for self-realization, but my life turned not out as I would have hoped it would.
There was a time, nothing made sense anymore, not the neighbor, not the family. I didn't understand what they said and I didn't understand what he did and then the violence of my father, it turned into the opposite, because I didn't understand his behavior. We were not allowed to talk about it and it created a taboo which was not okay as it seems.
Neither got anyone aware that they did it in purpose, nor was it possible to question it and my mother, whenever I tried to even mention it said, what do you have, there is nothing. When it would have come up in the discussion, my father got that angry he run behind me with a kitchen knife and after I left the house and that is how it happened.
It never got clear, the family avoided the issue by all means. With my mother it was once in the air as precipice and I felt real awful in that family afterwards, because they didn't take responsibility for their acts, that is how it felt. The attitude was, they had taken responsibility for that act when he was in prison and it was done, no more mention it, but it came back on us by the villagers and the refused to see it. It was later in the air above mother as precipice, but only after the neighbor, who had been the problem all along, had died, that was many years later. With Baba's help the hidden background came up and it got clear that it was not my mistake, but theirs.
I felt like an outcast afterwards, everything seemed to go wrong, everything felt wrong and not right and I never experienced something like that upside down. Today I know it was upside down and that means Tamas.
Knowing it as Tamas we can classify it and look at it a different way, but at that time and in that age it felt awful. It began to overshadow my live, because there was constantly something wrong, it was Tamas, it was upside down. It was not possible to talk about it and I was not aware of the reason behind and that the family let me down. But they made fun of it and it was my problem. It was my problem, but it was caused not by me, but by my father and in that sense they didn't take any responsibility for it.
Whenever I tried to talk to my mother about, not the father, I knew he got easily angry and that I couldn't possibly talk to him, but my mother as well, she avoided it. After I saw that precipice in the air, I had to still get aware that it meant pride. And only after her death only a few years ago, after her death it was in the air as 'avalanche' and that means attachment.
The reason she avoided it was attachment and pride. And that seems to be the main reason Baba said in my dream many years later that my family let me down. But even now in writing it down and in inquiring, if I as my family any question, they get upset and don't want to know anything about it. It means it is still the same thing and Tamas. With all effort possible it was not possible to talk openly about it and to get it in the open. As it had been Tamas it is still tamasic, dull and dark.
One brother doesn't want to know about it, the other threatens to even kill, the level of the father and the sister we cannot find, in the inner view we looked for her, but she was not there and about a year ago it said that she died.
Last year in that disturbed and non-functional family I just sent greeting from John of God, because we were in Brazil. I send it actually to my daughter and send a copy to the family, because it said during the time the mother was still alive that the youngest brother does the worst he can do.
Not knowing what it is and how I have to understand it, first I got worried about him, after I got aware that he didn't like it, for him it was like an offence because I questioned it and he got into that abusive level of the parent's house, making fun of everything I ever did.
I was not yet sure what I had to write back, but by chance I wrote that I had that affair with the thirteen year old gild in the neighborhood and not my father and that he was in everything right.
As it was Tamas, I switched it upside down, giving me the blame for what the father had done.
Now I know why it felt that awful, because it was all Tamas, upside down and because it became tamasic, there was no more feeling of self-realization possible, because that is sathvic only.
When I tried to mention it to the family, as I had to get aware of it, I had to mention it, there is the same tamasic response and the level of abuse I have experienced ever since. They still put all blame on me for the reality that happened with the father, as Baba said, the family let me down. It was easier to blame someone else than to think of the father and to talk about respect and the father, but to blame someone else. I guess it was mother she made me the scape goat of the family, as I went in direction of the spiritual path, being different from the other, I had to take the blame. And it has shifted and got even worse.
But for me it was important I could relate it to the father, whatever the youngest brother's response, as he does the worst he can do, is there anything else to be expected? But it all came now together. The brother, who is living in the US came for a visit and somehow it came up during that time.
As Baba said in the dream before he left the body, there were two Baba's, he is the insight and he is the following step. Therefore, the following step is also him. On some level it makes sense and it also feels good to get aware that we don't belong to that family anymore, it is too heavy and too loaded with Tamas. When he said in the inner view that I should take care the brother, I did my best in direction of brothers and that is the result of it. When I face the fact that I don't belong to them anymore, it feels light and okay.
During that time with the neighborhood it felt that disturbed, mostly at night in the sleep, it was present as nightmares and I had the feeling I didn't know why nightmares.
In my family it was like nobody wanted to see it. It was easier for them to ignore it than to face truth. It was like their pride was that hurt, they all looked at the other side and said, your problem..., not mine.
In reality I think they knew it, because my sister said once, that she never wanted to have a boyfriend from that same village.
I regretted that I never spoke with the neighbor about self-realization, because it was not possible to see where it had come from and as I had to question everything, it was not possible to get an answer.
That came up during the time I went to Singapore to get a visa, the neighbor was in my dream and said that he will come back and marry me. That didn't make sense and I had to question it and there was just someone who wanted to get married, and I thought it was a kind of replacement partner. But it was not as I thought, bringing up the background is no possible, but not with his help, he was no help at all, because with his all was turned upside down as well, he was the mirror of it.
Last week felt like the accumulation of it, like it came all together and all were in the inner view as not present, that confirmed what Baba said that the family let me down.
It all lies in the vision that you command, that you have equipped yourselves with.
The sister could not be found and the brother from the US went down an escalator, and in the dark and into 'Tamas' and he doesn't want to know. But I guess it is done by now somehow. It came up when we least expected it and we did our best and it seems kind of clear and to make sense by now. And I hope that it is done.
I am not going to look for a brother anymore in my family, but it has another meaning and is related to devotion.
In the present times, it is impossible to find virtuous people or virtues holding sway over people's minds. People have lost the fear of a fall and become worse than animals.
That reality hit also when I met the guy who worked for the 'exit'-firm, where people can exit their lives with legal suicide. It was kind of shocking to see that black dead above the head of that guy in the dream and to get aware that he feels like dead personified and those poor people, who die like that, there was no light at all, pitch black darkness and their life span was just a red line and it was by all of them cut before time, therefore, not light at all.
The light is beyond it. We cannot trust in God and give our life to him and decide about our own death. He knows when it is time and it has to be his doing and not ours.
People have lost the fear of a fall and become worse than animals.
Lead me from untruth to truth. Lead me from darkness to light. Lead me from death to immortality.
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