How to get Unaffected and to Bliss

It is the internal bliss that should matter to any person, not the external, sensory, objective and the worldly temporary joys.

If you can develop the inner poise or equilibrium that is undisturbed by the ups and downs every day presents to you, that is a sure sign of real success! Everyday is similar to the previous days, with the rising and setting of the Sun and the waxing and the waning of the Moon. However, when 365 days are over, we call it a New Year and give it a new name and number. The Sun and the Moon mark ascend and descend of the day. They are however, unaffected by the name or the number for the day or the year. Be like the Sun and the Moon.

Do not care about the new name or the number, but do care about your duties, your inner poise and bliss derived from within yourself!

Baba (thought for the day)

 

We can develop the inner poise or equilibrium only and get undisturbed by the ups and downs every day if we know what this is all about.

Once Baba asked me how I felt and I said, 'fine, Swami' and he answered, that is not true and because I looked at him surprised, he said 'up and down, up and down' and he told me that I had a naughty mind.

I tried in vain to get beyond the ups and downs, even though I meditated always more and more.

In the mean time I know that it is not possible to keep that level of equilibrium and undisturbed being, if we are not aware of what happens to us.

My mother wanted to see everything always as good way, therefore, she found a way to make it work for her only and said, but that happens to everybody.

But it didn't happen to everybody to get told by a father that I had to many different people driving me home, that happened to me only. Another father would have been proud of it.

It is the same with my daughter today, when she has no boy friend, she goes out mostly with girls, but it can happen that a guy drives her home so she has not to take a taxi. But you know what, I never look, because she is old enough and it is her life. It would not come into my mind to spy on her. But my parents were different and when he said that I got upset.

It somehow felt strange, because we never could talk normally with him. Mother always said that he had a difficult childhood and he made ours even more difficult. As he was in a constant 'power game' he was the boss and didn't even dear to answer back, it was always the talk about respect, but it felt like a joke, because I didn't know how to respect that ....

During my childhood, I don't remember the age, before school, we went with mother alone to a vacation and left him alone home and there was a neighborhood girl, she was only thirteen and she was helping mother in the housework. The families had been good friends, but after that holiday it was over. Mother was naive to let him alone with her, but probably she didn't think something like that would happen. That girl was not pretty and much too heavy and I remember in the beginning I didn't understand it because I looked at my pretty mother and that girl and I just didn't get it, because she felt that ugly to me.

Anyhow she was talking about it in school, because she had no boys in her age interested. And one day was a fight and the teacher got to know about it and it went to the parents and from there to court. After it got even more ugly, because he went to prison for it, it seems about eighteen months, my brother told me not long ago, because before that I didn't know for how long, and I didn't remember it and had asked mother several times, but if she didn't like something or someone, she never answered.

That means I know it only now for how long really he was gone..., and after he came back.

We were not allowed to talk about it and it means we couldn't tell how we felt and on a certain point it seemed it went just too far.

 

When my father said that always another guy drove me home, I felt offended and answered something like, he had done much worse, because that was also the reason behind, but instead of getting aware of it, he got mad. He was angry and grabbed the bread knife on the table and ran behind me. I went in my room and packed my things and left, but it somehow never felt okay again.

As I couldn't talk and it didn't get okay and that came up in the ashram with Baba.

He asked to whom I belonged in an interview, who I was and what our relationship was.

She was a fugitive from the second world war and I didn't know what our relationship was, she was permanent in the ashram and she didn't know English and that is why Baba said I should translate for her. I had been in Geneva and Paris and therefore, I translated into French.

It was strange to talk about myself and I knew I had to get an answer.

Before it was the opposite, I was with TM and we didn't talk at all, we meditated and that arranged me very much, because I thought I could just sit down and meditate and I had not to go into all those issues of the past.

Now I think it had to do with the father. He was young during the time of the second world war and my mother said they listened to the Nazi propaganda on the radio, because it felt dynamic and powerful. I guess he listened a bit too much, because he even said once that he believe in a dictatorship and that didn't make sense to me as we lived in a democracy and I didn't try to understand it, because he was to violent and I was always scared of him and I avoided to talk to him. I went out of way and left. But that is just the background coming up, because that devotee and I who had interview and I had to translate for her and Baba asked, what our relationship was, she was a second world war fugitive. 

When my father got mad, to me he had not reason, but that my mother spoke too much and seemingly endless about all her problems and I had to listen and got fet up of it and when I tried to help her, I was the problem afterwards and it was never said why it was like that, she just answered as always, you should not. That kind of listening I was tired of. I didn't understand what happened.

She took it much too easy and she didn't try to solve her problems and she was not able to. She thought she could do it, but it felt like a constant power game. With her it felt always like the same thing, 'you should not' and that was it, they were best parents again in putting the  blame on me'.

I was used to that and tried to get away from it.

But somehow it didn't work out, because we couldn't talk about it and she never answered properly when I asked her.

 

All that came up in the ashram and first I tried to get out of it, that is when I went to Singapore to get a visa and not back in my country, but I guess that made it only worse, because the reason behind was in the air, had to do with a first boyfriend, I knew him during the time I had been sixteen and he was a neighbor's son. But they all were no friends, it had somehow expanded to the neighborhood and my mother said still the same thing, you should not, defending the father, making me look like the troublemaker.

 

I didn't know that it was an abuse pattern. Much later, coming back from the ashram I went to Spain and they had problems and when my father wanted to blame me for it, I spoke about God and in that moment it was interrupted - that pattern.

I don't even remember what it was, they always had problems and made us responsible for it if we were by hazard nearby. As I talked on an all different level, he noticed it and he stopped speaking. The problems didn't end as usual in blaming someone else for it, but it went on and on and they didn't know how to talk to each other.

That had been like that all my youth and I got aware of it, I was nealry forty yrs old.

After Baba asked those questions I began to talk about it, before I was just meditating. It felt like a challenge to not only meditate, but to question it.

We were in Kodai in the mountains during summer time and there we lived all together in the same house, and there was my ex, and he saw his opportunity, when I talked about that interview. He said he wanted a wife from Baba and that he knew that I was that wife.

Now, I can see he took advantage of it and it was not sure at that time also and therefore, I never said 'yes', we just went ahead, because I thought we would get answers later on and as it was about being wife, I thought it was serious, I had never been married, but he had been married and was divorced.

He said he had money and he would have work again with his former boss who was very known in the ashram and all that looked Kind of perfect, it didn't even come to my mind to question it.
But after a certain time I realized that it was not that. And I had to get answers and there was nothing in that direction happeing. What happened next was the abuse level came up.

I didn't say 'yes' and I wanted to get out of the relationship and it went into a fight and during that fight he took a metal pot and hit it on my head. I was sitting on the floor in our room in the ashram and I thought he would kill me. Afterwards I was like paralized, the baby was too small and my parents were in Spain and my family didn't care, there was no way I could go back in my country.

That means I had to stay where I was and I had a dream, Baba went down with me the escalator and transformed himself in a prince I married and on the bottom was a check with a big amount I could use every day.
It was like the spiritual fulfillment had transformed into material values, but it was only on the level of promise, only a check.

That means I was waiting for the prince. That was the state I was in now, I couldn't get out of it, I had lost the awarness that Baba was the prince, so I waited for the prince.

It was an abusive relationship, he forced me with violence to stay with him and it went on like that and the reflection was after all 'perversion'. I didn't realize that I went along with the abuser, the violence level feels in the inner view like rape, it has the same impact only it last longer and because I couldn't get out of it, I had to go ahead to the best in alying with the abuser.
 

I didn't understand it and trying to get answers on that level resulted always in the same spot, a mud hole, no way out, it was based on violence and abuse and that came up in the ashram and I just wanted to get away from it.

After years and after I had a nervous breakdown, the child was older by now, Baba was in his dream and said that I had to go to him and make peace with him. He mad fun of it and it was again the abusive level, he said I was stupid, because I had to go and make peace with a Sai Baba. It was perverted, for me it was the highest, it was the prince I was waiting for since years, but I didn't tell him. It was not possible to talk about without getting on that perverted Level myself and I think if he would have realized what it meant to me, as it was abusive, he would have gone against it. For my own protection I had to stay out of it.

Afterwards with Baba it said that it was perverted and it was worse than I thought it was. We didn't go back, but it was not resolved, he went on the same way as before, ingoring everything, and that way I still had to to into it trying to get the divorce.
He ignored everything Baba said in my dreams and turned out to be the worst enemy I ever had met or it was level father, only that was difficult to see. It said in the dream that I had married the father and it felt like a shock, if we don't understand it, we marry it and I didn't understand it. 
 

After seven yrs he signed the divorce papers in Baba's presence. If I would not have had it with me, it would still be open today.

It felt okay with Baba, but I didn't understand why it happened and why that process lasted such a long time. Even if I knew that I wanted equanimity, but it felt that far away, I thought everything went wrong and I would never get there and it was perverted level and out of question. It felt like too long and too perverted and no question and endless, no way out again etc. 

 

If you can develop the inner poise or equilibrium that is undisturbed by the ups and downs every day presents to you, that is a sure sign of real success!

 

Since I write down the thought for the day and by listening to his words, I got aware of it that listening is not what we just think it is, but much more and that it needs a effort to really listen to Baba's words. It is self-effort and I realized that most of the people I knew or met seem to think they know love and nobody is really listening ..., most of them don't do anything at all in that direction, but they go on singing and that is easier, but singing alone doesn't get us to that undisturbed poise, or does it?
Whatever, for me that doesn't work, it is just in the moment and if I try to hold on to it, it is already gone, because it is not on the level of holding on, but practicing. Nobody told us how to listen or we just didn't hear and didn't understand it and that means we didn't listen (in Baba's words).

 

But in listening, thinking it over, letting it happend what ever happens in the mind and in our consciousness, we get aware of it and we absorb it, however, it will be in the end. The process is discribed in that thought for the day, we should develop that inner poise and get undisturbed.

With the study circle it gets better, most of the time it is a good experience or it felt like Darshan and if not okay, it is like a disturbed Darshan, when everybody stood up and we couldn't see Swami, but it is part of the process.

That is already great that we are on a level of seeing it as part of the Lila and not just perverted as it was with my ex.

 

Our real father is divine, the real mother as well and brother means devotion ..., whatever it is about brother, if we don't see it on the right level, it will not be that. I guess to get there we have to realize it as 'I am that', we have to be the same.