Never Carp at others' Faith, it reveals that Your Devotion is Fake

The Lord cares for your concentration (Ekagratha) and purity of mind (Chittashuddhi). You need not worry if you are near or far from Him. He has no 'near' or 'far'. When the address you write is correct and clear, your letter will be delivered whether it is to the next street or a distant city. 

Remembering the Lord (Smarana) is the stamp. Recapitulating His Glory in your heart (Manana) is the Address. Select any Name that appeals to you for Smarana and Manana. Be careful not to talk ill of other Names and Forms. Conduct yourself like the woman in a joint family. She respects all elders in the family (father in law or brother in law), but her heart is dedicated to her husband, whom she loves and reveres in a special manner. Never carp at others' faith, it reveals that your devotion is fake. If you are sincere, you will appreciate the sincerity of others.

Baba (thought for the day)

I really wondered what thought for the day I would get today. I was last night at Bhajans and I went there and felt okay, but as soon as the singing began I felt inside sad in the light of Baba's love and teaching, it didn't feel okay at all and therefore, as I felt it already so often, it was not possible to go into with joy, but all the bad memories came up and I had to just somehow go on, trying to forget it, what seems not possible in his presence. All the feeling were gone, what came up during Bhajans was another reality. 

And I was not able to join the singers, sometimes I sang, sometimes I just listened, fighting my tears. 

Just that was a sign that he was present, what came up in that moment and how sad that actually is the way it happened in his presence and nobody takes responsibility for it.  

I left after Bhajans, as I often do, without talking to anyone, went home and took a sleeping pill to be able to sleep and because I woke up anyhow, I meditated in the midst of night and feel this morning a bit groggy, a bit better, but not really. How often I have been in the last years in that state of mind after Bhajans? 

I went there and felt still okay, actually, I thought I even felt good, and when the singing began and Baba felt present, the feeling changed and it was that sad, I couldn't even sing. I was not feeling good, I thought I was okay, but I was not. It was like in an instant all that stuff I had mentioned about the past relationship came up and him, the reality of it.

It first felt good and I went to Bhajans, but when singing began, the memories came up, whatever I wrote down in my blog, the good was gone, it was too sad and I began to feel uncomfortable.
It was a question if I was able to keep control or if the tears would start to flow, therefore, I just sat there, watching my feelings come up, felt in the background the sound and Baba's presence. 

That happened a lot of times during the past years, when I went for Bhajans instead of feeling better, I got sad and was fighting constantly to get out of it and there was no way out of it. I had to take a firm resolve to just sing and not to shed tears during Bhajans, but afterwards I usually get back like that and it is going on like today as well, and often it ended in writing my ex a letter to seemingly feel better. That I have stopped in the mean time, because it leads nowhere and as there is a mud hole, it is no use.
It feels like the weather has changed, before it seemed to be sunny and now it is raining and that is how it looks outside as well, one day nice, after a week rain or more. 
It is all that hidden stuff and hurt feelings coming up during Bhajans, the truth about the real state of mind and offending and how hurting that really is, a relationship with only aggravation, men who take care only of themselves. That this happened in Baba's presence, that feels like just pain.  

Having to face all that bullshit of the past, when I feel his presence it comes up, whatever that is and that is why I often felt not good in the past years.
I preferred to go and dance into freedom than to be in tears always, because the memory is that bad. 

When I left work it felt still okay, but as soon Bhajans began it was the opposite. Nothing was okay anymore, because I got aware of what I had written. 

Before, I probably felt good, because I was able to write it down, but as soon as Baba's presence was felt during the singing, something came up I had not been aware of, it was just painful and no more okay, it felt sad. In the light of divinity and Baba all those memories are just sad and that sad that it is not possible to not get aware of it.    

That is why I avoided to go to Bhajans, because I didn't want to be in tears constantly and to go on Sai meetings, it was always just sad and happy to leave, I couldn't take the mirror of the divinity and reality of him and what was reflected, it was too heavy. 

Either I focused on the sound and by that went beyond emotions, and in the end was only he present or if during Bhajans I had to feel the pain of sadness, it came up, what we are not looking at really. I have to somehow handle it. And, we try to give it to him. 

During the time he left the body it was only about sadness, non-stop the tears flowing down, not getting anymore out of it, we sat somewhere just around and life went on and there was nothing but sadness.  

When I write it down in here, it feels somehow okay, because I write it down, I didn't expect that reaction during Bhajans, no joy and it is still present, I still feel it, the hurt, the pain, it feels like a cold. 

The trust was taken advantage of and nobody who is responsible, and thy claim to be Baba devotees. 

It is sad and I am still going on feeling sad now. 

It is still there, whatever that is. It is the difference between what Baba represents and the reality how perverted it was understood and lived and the sad outcome of it. Baba talks about Dharma and it has not much to do with Dharma the way we were treated and how they put it away and forget it. 

Usually during singing if I hear the sound I can see Baba walk around and give Darshan in my mind or he sits on the chair in bliss. But yesterday everything turned into sadness. 

It was a constant up and down not knowing what would get stronger in the end. I didn't expect that, but that is what is left, sadness. 

I had somehow forgotten it, but it was there in the past years. 

That is the reason I didn't go singing anymore, because it made the sadness come up. I noticed it when the wife of a devotee died, he said he didn't want to get center info, he always feels pain. That is just the same level, it just pain. And it has not changed, it is still present. 

Focus on the Lord is just meditating and I usually use Soham or another mantra, whatever is there. I am not focused on the Lord, but on the higher self.   

Never carp at others' faith, it reveals that your devotion is fake. If you are sincere, you will appreciate the sincerity of others.

That was just the point of it. My ex carped about my faith, when he said that I was stupid that I had to go and make peace with Baba, that is it. Here we get the truth of it. 

It reveals that his devotion is fake, time with him ended in Baba being in the dream with vampire teeth and a long nose of deception. He is the fake. If we are sincere, we appreciate the sincerity in others and we don't make fun of it. 

And after all, now it feels better, because he confirmed that he is a fake. In taking only advantage of a Baba interview is the same level, making fun of others believe and sincerity to get answers, he was rather sabotaging it than supportive. Making fun of the questions we asked is also about that, it is all the same level, it is carping others' faith, every word he said went in that direction, quarrel, because I had to get answers, grumble, because he didn't get what he wanted, he always found a reason to moan and niggle about something. 

Baba had asked a question and it was about to whom I belonged and I had to get an answer and began to speak about it, because I never did before, because all conclusions ended in TM- must meditate, brainwashed. 

But as soon as I began to question and talk about there, we were after that interview in Kodai in the mountains, there he was that guy and he said, you belong to me and afterwards, he carped at my faith, because it was not the right answer. 

Already that was a way of carping at our faith, he had no respect for Baba's Lila and that it was Sai Baba who had asked those questions and the consequence and reality that we had to get an answers, even though Baba was afterwards in his dream and said to him, 'I warn you, on that level you will not get the right answer'. 

He told me, but I didn't know what he was talking about, it was not my dream and I didn't know him that well and in the ashram all looked the same, white, because they were wearing white clothing. 

I had to get answers, and afterwards again he was carping my faith by putting that in question. In my first interview, Baba said, TM is not a right path, just think about God. I had to get aware of it and I had only negative insights, therefore, it was not something on the level of the intellect only, I had to understand my insight.

Before we left that guy said, that with TM was nothing wrong, it had become a very difficult issue to understand why Baba said that it was not the right path, but I had to understand the insights, they were not good.
What he said by that was, that Baba and I were wrong, and that was my first interview and he carped everything, even that.
It was such a pain to get the right answers, with that guy impossible, he made fun of everything. It was of no help, he was just quarreling about it. It was the level of carping at other's faith. 

That is the pain behind and to feel what had happened, and that I was together with a fake devotee. 
It is that much pain, sometimes it is like a strangling sensation, the feeling that fresh air is missing. It is painful to get aware of it in the right light, but without getting aware of it, the pain is not going away. I have to take some deep breath to get more air, to not feel strangled by it.