He is the Force, I am the Instrument

So long as you have a trace of ego in you, you cannot see the Lord clearly. Ego is the curtain which even noble saints ask the Lord to remove from their minds. Egoism will be destroyed, if you constantly tell yourself, "Ït is He, not I". "He is the force, I am but the instrument." Keep His Name always on the tongue, contemplate His glory whenever you see or hear anything beautiful or grand; see in everyone the Lord Himself. Do not talk ill of others, see only good in them.

Welcome every chance to help, console and to encourage others along the spiritual path. Be humble. Never become proud of your wealth, status, authority, learning or caste. Dedicate all your physical possessions, mental skills and intellectual attainments to the service of the Lord and His Glory.
Baba 

That is the way to look at the higher self. It is that beautiful, white light and only love, to think constantly, 'It is he not I'.

Do you have experienced the higher self?

There is a separation between the higher self and the body. It is the observer, he is on that same level.
Watch, words, actions, thoughts and character.
I don't know why it was that difficult to understand, maybe because it was the self. In the gap between the body and the light-self was a blue ribbon and in that ribbon was written - self. It was a light body, but that is transparent. 

And it began, because I wanted to write and it was not possible anymore, because an ex-boyfriend, a neighbor, disturbed the neighborhood and my family avoided to see it, for whatever reasons, later it said in the inner view that it was manipulation only.
That means it disturbed the peace and the feeling of being at home to the extend that I didn't feel home at that place anymore.
Before that I was writing and thought it would go on like that, but also that was no more possible, it felt too disturbed. I couldn't find myself anymore and I began to search for the reason. 

There had been a feeling of self-realization, but that was gone as well. That is how I began to look for the self, it felt like it was about reality and truth.  

I went from one place to the next to get an answer.

It took such a long time, nearly all my life. I began at work, that was business and in that field it went on, the higher self reflected in the dream finally.

Do you remember the unified field, it said that relationships decided and not the particles. In that field the experience went from one relationship to its reflection, but the reflection was suicide. 
It reflected the reality in that field, it probably didn't fit, it is not the right place to focus on inner values and inner sight and the observer if it was only about business.

First it was a relationship and after it was reflection of that relationship and somehow, it was suicide. 

 

The self (Atma) is without form. It is separated from the body, which inhabits it. The body is subject to birth, growth and decay, but the self is free from all this. The self has no desire, no impulses and no craving. It is above and below all properties and it is beyond them.

The creation (prakrithi) is the ocean. The creator (Purusha) is like the lotus on the water, unaffected, unattached and unshaken. (Sai Baba)

 

I liked that vision of the higher self. It was light, love and Beauty and therefore, it looked like a light form and it was separate from the body, there was a gap in between. That was a self-experience.
It was not only challenging in direction of 'he not I', but also understanding that he is the higher self. It was that relationship and oneness between the higher self and him which was difficult. It is in the 'I am that'.

If I get aware of the 'I am that' in the mirror of someone, in a relationship as witness, there are already two, you (the mirror) and I and that is 'we' and that is 'he'. And we have to think, 'he not I'. 

It means the same 'I am that' is 'we' and if someone else is also the same 'I am that' it feels like we and - 'all are that' It has expanded to all. And then he goes even a step further and tells us 'I'. First you and I = we and that is He (divinity). And after it is He and again present as I.

 

That message seemed very special, but somehow I feel alone.

Even if it needed him to get aware of it in Darshan and it was inner view and like all the same 'I am that', he and the boys standing in front, all the same awareness. 

Following the inside directions of the inner master and the light, nobody knows and nobody has an idea how much work was involved to get there, how difficult it was and how long it took.

Finally there was that vision - engaged... get aware of the same 'I am that'. That means 'we'. 

And I write and I inquire about it to get aware of it, but it has anyhow ruined my life, because I was not focused on earning money.

And the reality is, we have no ashram, no place we can focus on that higher self, were we have not to deal with money issues, it is a very uncomfortable position.

The people in that house are established and in the dream they have taken their seats and sit there, not moving an inch and I went over the border and try now from outside to hold on to it, but it is not a comfortable place to be.

I met my ex and went with him to the US and there the nervous breakdown, in the inner view it was all about suicide and homelessness on the streets of New York, it was awful.

And to realize that I actually never said 'yes', I had a problem with. It was never peaceful enough to even be able to think about it.
He just gave Baba a letter and I went on because Baba took it and I thought it was a Baba Lila, and before Baba left the body he said in the insight that he took only advantage of it.
It was that disturbing, it was not possible to get to the right conclusion and not even after his divorce. And after coming back here, I thought everything would be fine, but it was not.

It took first seven years to get finally divorced, what was in the background an immense struggle and it takes time to get aware of that Lila and what was not okay about it.

And after all that the pain seems too big to feel comfortable in the establishment here. They are established, they sit on their chairs and don't move an inch.

And 'I am not that', neither I am established nor I am not moving. Therefore, they pushed us out of the house and there is no room to go back into it.

Strange visions, but I am writing and that is what matters.

I wanted to write, that is how it began. And the disturbing neighbor died, it is relaxing to know that he is no more like a shadow in front of that place where I grew up.

He seemed to be responsible for it.
He manipulated the situation and my parents were not able to see it. The manipulation went unnoticed. That means he was successful, then it was present always, a constant problem overshadowed my life. It came up in the insight, naive and dangerous. 
The effect of that manipulation was that we were let down by the family, they always said, what do you have there is nothing, ignoring the danger of the neighborhood, because of business interest, they were clients, mother had a flower shop.

 

In the ashram the neighbor was a scorpion who wanted to sting my hand. Holding hand is marriage, but he missed it.

It doesn't feel like he missed. He was quite present sitting there and if we are naive, that makes it dangerous. 

In the end it feels like suicide, even though, I tried all my life to get out of it.

The family let me down, the neighbor was able to ruin our life and to disturb our family. It was his doing, the manipulation behind, nobody wanted to see and acknowledge, because of pride.

It was a huge problem, it destroyed my life and my family is still ignoring and avoiding it.

How blind can we be? 

But if there is attachment and pride, we cannot get to the right conclusion.
But I feel different now. It feels again as I did before, during my childhood, when life seemed still okay, the feeling is okay again, but that doesn't influence and change the situation, it is done.