Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Keep in Good Trim and Enjoy

Just as you attend to the needs of the body regularly, feeding it three times a day to keep it in good running condition, so too spend some time regularly to keep your inner consciousness in good trim. 
Spend one hour in the morning, another at night and the third in the early hours of the dawn (the Brahma Muhurtha) for japam (contemplation) and meditation on the Lord. You will find great peace descending upon you and new sources of strength welling up within as you progress in this spiritual practice (Sadhana). 
After sometime, the mind will dwell on the Name, wherever you are and whatever you are engaged in. Peace and Joy will become your inseparable companions.
Baba (thought for the day)

If we meditate regularly, we keep in good trim and here Baba tells us to meditate three times a day an hour
That is a lot for me. I do it only twenty minutes in the morning and whenever it works during the day, but the morning is regular and like that I am meditating, but it is not a strain, three hours would be too much of a strain for me now, maybe later again.
I always thought that it is more important to do it and every day than to not do it, if we don't have enough time. One day I hope we will have more time to spend again in meditation. 
I just got a video clip from my brother, it was the time between 07 and 09, I was dancing at that time.
But I was always looking for answers and I went there in the hope to understand my insights in the end, what didn't happen and that was tiring and felt like taking all energy away.
And thinking about what we know in the mean time, it is fine now, writing about the insights got us to the right answer.
But seeing that video, it is only about five years ago and it is anyhow too much to take, because of too much smiling.
About myself, I cannot help to wonder, why in the hell I am always smiling? 
It feels stupid or not quite right? 
The others are all normal.
It was that time I went for dynamic meditation, probably I thought that was it. I had some good experiences, but in the end it was not good and that alone counts. That smile feels silly.
And that was still before the energy was gone afterwards and it said inside, stop dancing. That was it. Somehow it was not as great as I thought it would be. And if all in the family seem normal and one is always smiling, there is something wrong. 
In the mean time I realized I had been let down and that was actually the reason of that search, there is no reason to smile at all.
No feelings, only smile. 
It needs some time to understand why it felt like that and how it was often after I left, when I was upset, every second time in that family I felt upset and wanted to never see them again and after I was again all smiling, because it felt okay, but in reality it felt never okay, I couldn't find myself in that.
 I wear that Sannyas red and I don't like it at all. It means I like nothing of it, the best it to never look at it.
My mother fought her shadow in me, she saw that what she didn't want to be in me like the Nazis did, that is why during the inner child course was the family in the concentration camp and the father a Nazi.  
That time was still before the inner child work, and after my world was standing head, it was all upside down, but the others felt okay, only me not.
We all excused her, but every second visit I felt like now, only upset. 
Baba said in the inner view that the path of Osho doesn't work, because older age needs more saftey. After thirty years of silent sitting and regular meditation it felt good to go into dynamics and movements. It was feeling young in being old, like the age was gone. Like the shamans only without fire in the center. But after it changed.
Because I didn't get answers on the insight level and moreover, I had additional problems, the family looked different than we thought it was and there was nothing to laugh about it.
More questions, more issues and more problems, only more and not less, that is also a reason why I couldn't get up anymore.  
It was not possible to just be understood, it had to be intergreated, the result was not what I had hoped for, it was all different, but it seems it was still the best what could happen, because it opened my eyes. I run away from it all my life.
I was that tired, for a while I had the feeling I couldn't get up anymore and was falling asleep during a seminar in the afternoon. It had to do with the mother and the insight that she was fighting her shadow in me and I tried all my life to get away from that and I could travel around the world, as soon as I came back, it was there again, because it was the mother.
It ended in burnout. I hoped to get insights and we got worse Problems than we ever had before. 
It felt like not even enough strength to fly to India to Swami, I couldn't drag myself to the airport or no energy to pack, to clean or to drag myself up steps, I just fell asleeep. 
And the same reaction in the video clip today.
 
And the course leaders, instead of answers, fat chains, they were bound and no freedom, and even very fat chains, iron chains. 
And they lived for freedom, that is probably the irony of it, they think they do, but because it is all upside down, their chains are worse than it is normally in our Society.
They were in conflict with freedom. In the dream they wanted to take the car away, what meant taking power away. 
 
I remember my uncle once during a family meeting and he was in an unhappy relationship and she was present, and he smiled constantly and it seems to be that same type of smile.
And I always wondered, why he smiled or laughed, because it was the expression of the opposite, not what a smile should express, but that something was wrong. 
As TM didn't work, it ended with insights and no answers. 
Osho was in my dream and said I should come to him, he would give me power. That would have been at that time, but there was no garantie that it would have worked. After years, still no answers, I went and did that inner child Workshop, and afterwards it changed, but already during dancing it said inside, that mother was too old, it was not possible to change it anymore. 
It went beyond the mind and it reflected, but not what I had expected. There was a mind frame around them.
I had no idea about the, it was Baba who explained in the dream that it is the mind and we were having fun, I couldn't stop laughing.

The unity in Sannyasins was present a distorted manner, the cours leader's wife was in my dream and said that they had with that work made millions, pride and reputation in the movement. 
It means afterwards I had to clean up more stuff, instead of having less. 
The years of meditation helped, freedom was no conflict. I realized in that time that answers were coming up in writing about it.
Meditation was projected into dance, 'not that and not that'..., it was not about what others think, in that environment it was possible to go beyond the mind. It said inside in the dream that we got it, but it is difficult to tell what it was.
After I felt sometimes like a six years old child again, it was a great experience beyond the mind and getting aware that it was possible to get free of the mind conditioning. 

That is also present during singing, if the focus is not there, I get aware of it and feel bored, it was the same while dancing. 
In the family it looks strange, because I am not in it, but out of it and overplaying the reason I don't feel well. It means I felt for once good again and usually I didn't, therefore, I behaved that strangely. 
And - I don't like red, I never liked to wear it and I never wear it anymore and it doesn't look good. It feels like changing everything, whatever we can change and that was always like that. They made me feel that nothing was okay the way it was and I wanted to go away as far as I could and never come back and everytime I came back after hello, I wanted to leave again. 
If we have the insights, we have to do an effort to understand it. 
 
I went into dynamic meditation, because there was no solution and I didn't get answers and my mother never changed.
But in the mean time I finished the book and got the answers and it is not open and we can see now why those people had fat chains on their arms.
Good to be back in silence again and to realize how we got answers, but somehow still a bit beyond ...
Maybe I should go once just to get aware of the difference now. And as I don't need to get an answer or go beyond the mind by dynamic meditation and dance, it would be probably anyhow much more enjoyable.   
If there are no new impressions we have to integrate again.
That is why Amma was in my dream and said that I should not do courses anymore, courses have always to do with the path and that means troubles. 
If we look for answers, we get insights. It seems to show indirectly why no right answers and what was wrong. 
But if we are involved, we have to get the right answer, don't we...

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