I expect from you only one thing i.e., you should transform yourselves into
ideal children full of bliss, the very embodiments of Atma, proving all this to
the world by your behavior and conduct in life. That alone is True Education.
All other types of education are only its limbs and parts.
Baba
Baba's writings - Vahinis
I met my own impatience. Looking at it, my impatience, too much is written, too many people, everything seems too big. Writing my blog I go by what I feel and find a quote and write it down. It feels centered in me.
If I have to understand that fraud and illusion have the same pattern, that is an insight. It is the same pattern. We just didn't see it on all levels.
But only to a certain limit.
After I can read, but my eyes don't see, I read, but I am inside too upset, too impatient to get it.
Why I mentioned it, because we both wrote at the same time about fraud? The question is why? But maybe there is no answer.
Why was it in the air? Will we know one day?
What is behind that word - fraud?
Why was it in the air?
We get aware of it and learn to look at it on different levels.
The market level is the big picture. Has it invaded us? Or was it always there and now we have to face it?
Is it the mirror of us living a mind reality?
When Baba left the body and said, nothing left but an empy Western shoe, I began to question that empty shoe to find the meaning behind it.
What is my problem? Impatience? I don't know it enough.
But do I have to know it to understand the principle?
What is the result and how do we face it? What can we do about it?
It made me get alert and awake. Did I go asleep?
Or did I not see it? Is it about you, about a concept? Do we have to get aware of living illusion, what ignorance does to us?
Is it about myself, getting aware of my own impatience?
Is it about my ex? It seems always about insight and getting an answer.
That is what Baba said when we met, he was in the dream of my ex and said, 'I warn you in that room you will not get the right answer'. I understood on 'that level' not room or I didn't know what to understand, but we had to get an answer.
Now I know we are living on different levels. He felt like fraud, like an impostor and confidence trickster, because he made it different than it really was and he used everything to make himself look better, he was an impostor.
And that is the reality we met and what we lived, I cannot change that. And as it seems it is much worse than I thought it was.
It always comes back again, the same reality and missing insight, it never gets better, it seems just to get worse, because it was about getting an answer... It is the same conflict. He was not just a human, a man I met, but a confidence trickster.
We should not have married.
But that is just the reason we got married. When I said, but I am not American, what about work and job? I didn't intend to go blindly into a relationship.
There he was, the confidence trickster, he referred to his 'friend' in whose room he was living and having again a good job the moment he would start business again... He was arrogant and smug, he had a job, he had money, how could I dear to put him in question?
And nothing was real, later it felt like he dreamed with open eyes and when we began to see his real face, he began to abuse.
In Prasanthi it all was about truth and reality, I never got to the idea it could be all fake to make himself feel good, only ego.
It was hidden behind the brilliance of his 'friend'.
And when he realized it didn't work out, he began to abuse to make himself feel better about it. That was the mud hole we lived in, it resulted in constant blame.
That was difficult. As I still had to get an answer, I tried to do my best, believing it was a Baba lila, and it was still a Baba lila and I had to learn out of it whatever that is.
He had only taken advantage of it, no respect. As it put him in the end in question, he said it was my parents fault or mine.
It didn't change, it got worse, because he began to blame, my parents where there to take care..., to make him feel better.
Everybody was mistaken to make him look better ..., the others were all not good enough, to make him look better.
It began on a level of tamas, darkness, and went on like that... and I have to understand that for whatever the reason, probably because of similar patterns with my father, and I never understood it.
We had no chance on that level that it could work out. When I realized that I thought it was a Baba lila and faced the reality of what it really was, it ended in a nervous breakdown, I didn't even know where it came from, it felt like being on a slide... downwards. And it was Baba who said in the dream that I had a nervous breakdown, I didn't notice it. I dreamt only constantly of ruin, suicide and beggars, and wondered about it, it felt worse than awful.
And we were talking in the beginning always about truth, funny isn't it... truth, that is true, but different as I thought it would be.
He took advantage of it, not even difficult to understand, but when we live in it, to get that mirror. I thought it would be much easier.
He didn't care if truth mattered to me, if I didn't find it and didn't get an answer, I was to be blamed, my fault.
If I mentioned it he began to fight, no use if I said, but Baba said we have to get an answer...
I don't know how to call it, but it is always the same ...
If I would have known how it really was, I would not have gone for it, there is no love. There is no feeling level left.
The love which was there in the beginning was Sai Baba's presence and that didn't last long, only till we left the ashram.
As soon as I put it in question, he began to fantasize.
If he would have said the truth and not have taken advantage of it, probably the man and human being would be more in focus and less what he did.
But I realize still why he was like that, the motivation behind.
Only last spring when Baba said inside that 'he took only advantage of it', it got clear. I thought it was finished a long time ago.
It was not, I wrote him angry emails still, mostly when there was a problem with the daughter. The worst thing about it is that it takes such a long time to end it. Sai Baba ended it.
When I realized what had happened, I went into a nervous breakdown. It is not just something that ended a year later, there is a child, there are twenty years gone by and behind is fraud or a sick state of mind, who doesn't know what he is doing and we have to live with it.
Baba said to his daughter in the dream, she was six, 'your father is stupid, he doesn't know what he is doing, he is destroying himself and if you go back to him, he will destroy you too.'
She was six. The good thing about it is, there was never ever a question after that of going back to him.
But at least he was there, even if we didn't get the right answer. It was not his mistake that with TM it was all screwed up. And I went on trying to get the right answer. Is that not also the reason I write that blog? Baba said inside, if the light is light blue you can go on.
The question is. What does it need that I am able to see what I did?
I had to get an answer. I took it as it comes, and in that sense, it was easy for him to take advantage of it.
What did I do? I made it possible.
What about that fraud in the air?
Pressure, rationalization and opportunity... quite easy to get into in our society.
Baba
Baba's writings - Vahinis
I met my own impatience. Looking at it, my impatience, too much is written, too many people, everything seems too big. Writing my blog I go by what I feel and find a quote and write it down. It feels centered in me.
If I have to understand that fraud and illusion have the same pattern, that is an insight. It is the same pattern. We just didn't see it on all levels.
But only to a certain limit.
After I can read, but my eyes don't see, I read, but I am inside too upset, too impatient to get it.
Why I mentioned it, because we both wrote at the same time about fraud? The question is why? But maybe there is no answer.
Why was it in the air? Will we know one day?
What is behind that word - fraud?
Why was it in the air?
We get aware of it and learn to look at it on different levels.
The market level is the big picture. Has it invaded us? Or was it always there and now we have to face it?
Is it the mirror of us living a mind reality?
When Baba left the body and said, nothing left but an empy Western shoe, I began to question that empty shoe to find the meaning behind it.
What is my problem? Impatience? I don't know it enough.
But do I have to know it to understand the principle?
What is the result and how do we face it? What can we do about it?
It made me get alert and awake. Did I go asleep?
Or did I not see it? Is it about you, about a concept? Do we have to get aware of living illusion, what ignorance does to us?
Is it about myself, getting aware of my own impatience?
Is it about my ex? It seems always about insight and getting an answer.
That is what Baba said when we met, he was in the dream of my ex and said, 'I warn you in that room you will not get the right answer'. I understood on 'that level' not room or I didn't know what to understand, but we had to get an answer.
Now I know we are living on different levels. He felt like fraud, like an impostor and confidence trickster, because he made it different than it really was and he used everything to make himself look better, he was an impostor.
And that is the reality we met and what we lived, I cannot change that. And as it seems it is much worse than I thought it was.
It always comes back again, the same reality and missing insight, it never gets better, it seems just to get worse, because it was about getting an answer... It is the same conflict. He was not just a human, a man I met, but a confidence trickster.
We should not have married.
But that is just the reason we got married. When I said, but I am not American, what about work and job? I didn't intend to go blindly into a relationship.
There he was, the confidence trickster, he referred to his 'friend' in whose room he was living and having again a good job the moment he would start business again... He was arrogant and smug, he had a job, he had money, how could I dear to put him in question?
And nothing was real, later it felt like he dreamed with open eyes and when we began to see his real face, he began to abuse.
In Prasanthi it all was about truth and reality, I never got to the idea it could be all fake to make himself feel good, only ego.
It was hidden behind the brilliance of his 'friend'.
And when he realized it didn't work out, he began to abuse to make himself feel better about it. That was the mud hole we lived in, it resulted in constant blame.
That was difficult. As I still had to get an answer, I tried to do my best, believing it was a Baba lila, and it was still a Baba lila and I had to learn out of it whatever that is.
He had only taken advantage of it, no respect. As it put him in the end in question, he said it was my parents fault or mine.
It didn't change, it got worse, because he began to blame, my parents where there to take care..., to make him feel better.
Everybody was mistaken to make him look better ..., the others were all not good enough, to make him look better.
It began on a level of tamas, darkness, and went on like that... and I have to understand that for whatever the reason, probably because of similar patterns with my father, and I never understood it.
We had no chance on that level that it could work out. When I realized that I thought it was a Baba lila and faced the reality of what it really was, it ended in a nervous breakdown, I didn't even know where it came from, it felt like being on a slide... downwards. And it was Baba who said in the dream that I had a nervous breakdown, I didn't notice it. I dreamt only constantly of ruin, suicide and beggars, and wondered about it, it felt worse than awful.
And we were talking in the beginning always about truth, funny isn't it... truth, that is true, but different as I thought it would be.
He took advantage of it, not even difficult to understand, but when we live in it, to get that mirror. I thought it would be much easier.
He didn't care if truth mattered to me, if I didn't find it and didn't get an answer, I was to be blamed, my fault.
If I mentioned it he began to fight, no use if I said, but Baba said we have to get an answer...
I don't know how to call it, but it is always the same ...
If I would have known how it really was, I would not have gone for it, there is no love. There is no feeling level left.
The love which was there in the beginning was Sai Baba's presence and that didn't last long, only till we left the ashram.
As soon as I put it in question, he began to fantasize.
If he would have said the truth and not have taken advantage of it, probably the man and human being would be more in focus and less what he did.
But I realize still why he was like that, the motivation behind.
Only last spring when Baba said inside that 'he took only advantage of it', it got clear. I thought it was finished a long time ago.
It was not, I wrote him angry emails still, mostly when there was a problem with the daughter. The worst thing about it is that it takes such a long time to end it. Sai Baba ended it.
When I realized what had happened, I went into a nervous breakdown. It is not just something that ended a year later, there is a child, there are twenty years gone by and behind is fraud or a sick state of mind, who doesn't know what he is doing and we have to live with it.
Baba said to his daughter in the dream, she was six, 'your father is stupid, he doesn't know what he is doing, he is destroying himself and if you go back to him, he will destroy you too.'
She was six. The good thing about it is, there was never ever a question after that of going back to him.
But at least he was there, even if we didn't get the right answer. It was not his mistake that with TM it was all screwed up. And I went on trying to get the right answer. Is that not also the reason I write that blog? Baba said inside, if the light is light blue you can go on.
The question is. What does it need that I am able to see what I did?
I had to get an answer. I took it as it comes, and in that sense, it was easy for him to take advantage of it.
What did I do? I made it possible.
What about that fraud in the air?
Pressure, rationalization and opportunity... quite easy to get into in our society.
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