Due to the force of gravity objects fall. The gravitational force is invisible to our eyes. Similarly, there are innumerable divine forces operating in this Universe. You must not deny them just because you cannot see them. Only the power of the Divine enables you to speak, see, move and think. All the power of the sense organs are derived from the Divine. In conceit, you may imagine that you are the doer. This is the result of ignorance and folly. Ask the question, what is responsible for existence? The answer is Divinity. Without faith in the Divine, nothing can be achieved. There is no need to seek a reason for this faith – Faith has no season or reason, it is like the love of a child for the mother. The child loves its mother for the sole reason that she is its mother. Develop such confidence and firm faith, you can realize God.
(Baba)
Last night there was not enough force of gravity to sleep or maybe it was something else, I woke up and didn’t remember that my daughter was already home. It was real strange.
I had taken a half a sleeping pill to be able to sleep. We had a study circle and were talking about the principle of Ahimsa, non-violence and ‘himsa’ – violence. I went fully into the himsa issue as we have in the West hardly any place where we find no himsa, violence.
Baba calls ahimsa, non-violence the highest virtue.
I was not in the mood of singing and participating and I am glad the others talk also, so I had nothing much to say but in the end to tell I went just into my heavy insights and it is all about violence.
It was something like until we are part by death.
There was that much violence and suppression, it was not possible to be my own self, and it was never a question of living non-violence, it felt too bad.
I was nearly killed by him. Something triggered the situation and I asked him to not spit the almonds in the breakfast, it was disgusting and he didn’t listen. I had enough and threw the muesli on the wall and in return he took the metal cooking pot and hit with it on my head, that was how I noticed I was married and I don’t know how many times, it felt like he didn’t stop anymore.
I sat at the floor, the baby who was not yet a year old on my lab and it was such a helpless position, the baby was in my arms, it was not even possible to stand up.
I tried to protect her and my head at the same time and it didn’t work. I thought he would kill me and I couldn’t believe that this happened in the ashram, it felt like a nightmare.
We were in India, the child was too small and I didn’t know where to go, let down by the family already long time ago.
Many years before I had been raped in London by a black guy and I really thought he would kill me, my mind was in a state of turning around trying to find a way out in panic attack and he told me that I was afraid that he would kill me. Afterwards I walked around in London with my hood up, I had a black long cape and was always putting the hood up to be able to hide behind, I didn’t want to be recognized.
I called my parents because I hoped they would help me to feel better, but I had the father at the phone and he said, ‘whatever you do, don’t come home, but don’t go on the street’.
After that I understood that I should not come back anymore. In my situation and under shock it was probably difficult to understand the position of the father when he said that. I had afterwards always the feeling of disgust in the air when seeing my father; it means I didn’t enjoy it anymore going home. I didn’t know how to handle that disgust and it was Baba who said later that ‘anger’ results in disgust.
Maybe he just said the wrong things in the wrong moment.
Once he said that we got what we deserved, I don’t even know why, but it made such an anger come up, I never had felt such an anger and I didn’t know what to do about it, but stay away.
It is strange to me that Baba makes the violence present in my ex come up again in that manner. As he had hit my head so often, I also thought he would kill me and we were not able to just leave. We were in India in the ashram; I didn’t know where to go with such a small child. She was too small, so I had to wait until she would get older. But I never felt my former self again, because of the danger, I had to always watch what I said and it was repressed and there are hardly any good moments afterwards in that relationship.
If he said something, and he had constantly something to argue or to find fault with, I said, Baba has made it, and he will show a way.
Because I was scared to get into his arguing and he never stopped to harass or to find faults. I tried to calm down, constantly afraid to get enraged again and that someone would get killed. After the attack with the pot the message was clear, if you don’t behave as I like it, I will kill you.
This guy went to Sai Baba under the pretext of being a devotee and took only advantage of it. Trying to live Baba’s teaching it seems we were somehow an easy target for him to take advantage of it and waste our time and energy and life for his dreams. Taking advantage of someone is also violence, it is abuse. Those feelings are that heavy, it was not possible to feel it or even less to talk about it.
Last Summer Baba was in my dream and said ‘amok’, seven will be killed and tonight and that insight brings the level of suppression up. I was scared, because I was afraid it would happen somewhere around or at work, but it didn’t, it was in Los Angeles and the boy who did it was just in the same age as my daughter.
When I went with my mother visiting my brother it was in the air, that he does the worst he can do. I was worried about him and asked him, what he is doing. He is the mirror, because I said that he does the worst he can do, he acted it out afterwards.
The one who does the worst he can do it my ex, a devotee brother and he has never been a husband. He was living his dream; it was his dream that he wanted a new wife, because the old one he had been divorced, was in a mental institution, what I am not surprised about after knowing him. And he wanted a career and that is why he was with Sai Baba, he just wanted to ask for gifts.
That means he took only advantage of it and in that sense he did the worst he could do.
As long as it arranged him, it was Baba’s gift and when it didn’t arrange him, when Baba said in my dream that we didn’t listen and had to get a divorce, it was not anymore a gift and he began to tell that he would go the path of least effort, it is careless and Baba always said, ABC, always take care. He is living the principle of love and love is not careless.
He is like a mad monkey jumping around from one thing to the next and he has not focus and not knowledge and he doesn’t know what he is doing.
That amok is related to that guy.
As he had already been divorced because of mental cruelty, it was always in the air that cruelty level in him. It was also cruel the way he said that he knew that I was the right wife for him, just because Baba had asked a question in my interview. As it was not right, it was also cruel because it took my time and my life away and it had to end bad.
He drives people nuts with that type of behavior just taking advantage of it interpreting as it is pleasing to his mind.
We were talking in our study circle about ahimsa, and I told them about all that violence. There is nothing but violence, it began already when he said it was a Baba gift and I was the wife he was given by Baba, it was already violent, because it was in no way true.
Everything with him has turned into violence and suppressed mind level and tension. The way he looked at it created violence, because it is taking over other lives for his own purposes. That is the worst he could to, and that is reflected in that amok, seven killed, tonight.
And it happened in Los Angeles.
In our study circle we talk about the ideal of ahimsa, but the question is what to do if we face someone who doesn’t care, who makes Baba’s message turn into the opposite?
How do we live in non-violence without making fools out of ourselves if there are some people just taking advantage of it? We spoke about it in our study circle that it is not an ideal state of being in ahimsa, but it was more the question how to get to ahimsa in such a world when everything is based on violence only.
When we met I talked about an interview and Baba had asked in that interview, to whom that girl belongs and what our relationship was and who I was, I had to translate for another devotee.
Afterwards we were in the mountains and there I met my ex and I talked with him about that interview and he said, I belonged to him.
It was not the same level, but I hoped I would get some answers with him.
I think he thought it was a gift and that was already careless to assume it was a Baba gift and not question if it was right or wrong.
Baba said always be careful, it is not careful to see everything as a gift, when it is not true. So it turned into violence, he was not careful.
We always talked about it, but he didn’t do it. He just took advantage of it, and I had to get an answer, Sai Baba had asked an interview question and I hoped to get with him an answer and later he just made it look ridicule, who was that stupid and had to get an answer or had to go to Baba to make peace with him.
After we went to Baba, he said in my dream, ‘you didn’t listen, you have to get a divorce’. It should had to go on like that, smooth, following the inner dream to live his Lila, but there was nothing smooth, easygoing, only resistance, ignoring it, violence and we got the answer back, I will go the path of least effort and that means he will do nothing at all. He ignored it totally.
The mad monkey mind jumping around like nuts whatever he liked was for him Baba’s Lila, I have never experienced something like that.
Whatever, I said, there was no response, he was not interested in my message, he ignored it totally. When Baba was in my dream, it was not Baba, only when it was in his dream it was for him Baba.
Baba told him in the dream that I had to go and make peace with him, I had to go to Baba to India and we went and that was great, because that got us into distance, we didn’t get out of it, we are still in it today, because it is not yet understood. But that is not the part which is the real Baba Lila.
Baba said, we had to get a divorce, he ignored it.
Worse it cannot be, because we have no support, we have not safety, we have not background, ignoring Baba’s dreams he exposed us to the worst he could do. Time wasted, and lots of energy and life waste, just because of a dull lethargic mind state who doesn’t know what he is doing. It took seven long years until he signed the divorce papers.
The vampire was in my dream shortly before we left, it was Baba with vampire teeth and I thought, that doesn’t feel good and there was another face and it felt like my ex, even if it was Baba with a very long nose, fooling people into something which was not real.
When we left I had not yet a feeling for that vampire face, but now looking back it begins to take form and we begin to understand it. It feels like amok, just shooting around because that guy drives everybody nuts.
We only begin to understand it now.
And that is how we get aware of the mental cruelty, felt as violence in the air constantly in his way to smile, to talk, to be, in his mind attitude.
He is the brother who does the worst he can do.
That is what came out by that study circle about non-violence.
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