Merging in the Divine

The ascend to a human form has been made possible for you all; but you will truly be deserving of this high status among the animals, only by finally merging in the Divine.
That is the goal which the pilgrimage of evolution has in view since life began on earth as the amoeba on the waters. Faith in that goal and steady march towards it, are the signs of one being aware of the responsibility of being a human. The Call of the Divine echoes in every heart; it provokes the reaction of awe, reverence, affection, love and sacrifice - all ingredients of devotion (bhakti). It translates itself into acts of worship, of praise, of adoration and of rituals. The mind through these means gets saturated with divine thoughts and is recast in the divine mould, until the flow of bliss (Ananda) is unabated.
(Baba (thought for the day)

To reach that, we have to realize that we are the higher self and not the body. The higher self is beyond time and space, but somehow, even after seeing it in the inner view, it was very difficult to understand.
First the higher self was as a vision present during sleep state. It was just great, it was very white light und very beautiful, it was love and beauty and I felt totally amazed by it and somehow from inside transformed, but after waking up the situation outside was still the same.
But I knew 'that's it', it was love, yet the mind felt confused about it and I didn't know what to do with it, because it had not substance, it was a transcendental entity.

We know that is what we want, but there is no way to go there and no space to find it, but it is beyond everything and in the observer.

But what was clear is that it had to go in that direction to meet that higher self somehow again. And as I didn't understand it, I had to get an answer.
Even though, it was inside and present during sleep or dream state and even though, it was transcendental and a very beautiful light, it was not possible to be reached on the outside level, because it had no material body.

It was just a light body. I had the feeling it was impossible to be understood and that it needed a spiritual master to know more about it.
A master does know about the higher self. But to think that we just needed to go and see a master and it would all get clear, that was kind of an illusion, the master is teaching in a certain system or truth and we have to go by his teachings.

It was inner view and I thought it would be present again, wherever I was and that was also not it. It had to be understood by the inner view and if we are in a system which doesn't know the inner view, we get not to the right insight and answer.

The first master I met was Maharishi and we went into TM meditation and that is how it went on, but somehow was soon clear that I would not get any answers on an inner view level, because there were insights, but no answers to it and it said just always, cut off.

Therefore, I went on courses to get the opportunity to ask him a question myself and that was after the teacher's training and it was practically only learning by heart and afterwards I asked about self and Brahman and didn't get the answer I was looking for, but there was a strong feeling level and in the air was, going on and on, but that felt real good.
I mentioned it to him and he nodded and I thought I just had to go on like that and would reach it, whatever that was, a new self-experience, but I didn't get aware that it was also the self-level of no limitations in going on and on.
Even if it had been a light body and transcendental, it looked like a light person and it was not realized that everybody is the same self on that level and that there are no differences, that had to be realized. TM was only meditation and practically no knowledge about unity and the higher self.
It was from here to here.
But in going on and on inside we got in touch with Baba and he was that. It was standing in the air one day, 'I am that', but to still understand it as the same and as the self it again had to be realized.

With TM it was all projected into technique and that projection turned after a while everything upside down and seemed to create only problems. The reflection was negative, it turned into Tamas, it was still inner seeing, but it didn't reflect the self, but the absence of it. The master was not present and the hand holding the puppets was not there, but he had made puppets out of them, because they had learnt everything by heart only and were not able to make steps alone. There were no insights and it felt like everything broke into pieces, it was the end of TM and shocking to get such negative feedback in the inner view. The higher self was not present, but a black hole, the master war not there and after it ended up in trust lost, that was a real heavy experience to get aware of that black hole, but Baba filled it out and he was inside present in the heart as divinity.
I thought it was all done, when I left and I went to Baba.
After a while it was clear, it was not done at all, I had to understand it and in the beginning it seemed impossible that it ever would make sense again and I began to understand what a load it was to be on a not right path. It took that much time to get back to the self and to find the new beginning again.
When I got in touch Sathya Sai Baba inside in the heart, it was due to Vibuthi, I meditated and took a bit on my tongue and there it was, a flowing feeling and it was love and it went straight into the heart and there was a small blue form and it was divinity.
After I went to him I thought again everything would be fine. In my first interview when Baba asked, what I wanted, I tried to do the right thing and I told him that my friend was with Maharishi in New Delhi and I was with him, that was my situation and he asked who my friend was?

And I didn't know.

All over was written, yogis are your friends, but I had no notion that the Maharishi, who was a yogi, was my friend, but I had an inner view and all turned into enemies, from that I could conclude, that they should rather be friends, but it was the opposite and Tamas and that seemed impossible to be understood first, the positive experiences made always sense and it was right and light, but when it turned around, it seemed impossible to make sense and also not possible to understand it right. Tamas was in the inner view a real problem.

A long time I had always the feeling to not understand anything anymore, coming back it felt like only house, no people anymore. I was scared of the TM-past, because it looked that difficult and all upside down. Much later I got aware that he was an actor only and therefore, he was no yogi and no friend and yoga it can be only if there is that friendship value.

It felt like everything was standing head and the going on and on seemed impossible, but I still went on, but it was not as I thought it should be, because it appeared upside down, because the leader was an actor and the master not there, so when the master was present in Noida it was also Tamas and upside down and in that light the master appeared as the bad guy.
But today knowing Tamas it does make sense, only it was very difficult to understand.  

I was in Baba's ashram for the rest of the year and at his birthday at night I was meditating and he was there and opened the door and it was an inner interview and there was a beautiful golden light and he was dressed all in white, it was a great moment. He asked, why I was that old and not yet married and I didn't know. He said he would talk care of it and that is what he did, I got married later. It went on, but that created again more questions and no answers, I was still waiting for answers.

The answers came only after I noticed I had been cut off, the husband was lost with TM, he had appeared as soulmate and today I know that was projection, because we don't understand each other good enough to be soulmates. But I thought I had to go in that direction, because the master was not there and afterwards I went on course and we met the Maharishi and it got projected on him, but he was not there, therefore, it ended with a black hole.

While I had lost touch with that soulmate, which went on teaching TM somewhere else and I had totally forgotten that I went in his direction because he felt like soulmate. After the course becoming a TM-teacher was 'marriage' in the air and I already wondered there, how that had happened, how was it possible to be married without husband?

And I followed afterwards the going on and on, because the Maharishi had nodded, but there were no answers, because the source had been lost already and the master was not present.

Today I do understand it and I know how it has happened, but it was that difficult to understand, it was like a tough nut to crack for years and years and years and years, it seemed only to go further away still. It was really like Baba said, four times wait… that is how it felt.

From the inner first white light it went to the golden light present when Baba gave that inner interview and from there it went to the third light, lavender when I began to write the person Baba had 'engaged' me with inside in the meantime. These are beautiful colours, white, silver light and gold and lavender, and it is the mirror of 'I am that and 'we are that'.
From here to here, from one light to the next light.
The idea that I could go to a spiritual master and just understand it, had turned into something else, it all had to be understood on that inner view.

It had turned into a huge amount of dirty dishes, that was present in my morning mediation in the ashram, and I knew that had to be cleaned, but how should we do it, if we didn't know where to begin?  

The ascend to a human form has been made possible for you all; but you will truly be deserving of this high status among the animals, only by finally merging in the Divine.

Baba said in an interview, 'follow the master, fight to the end, finish the game'. I couldn't get it together all those experiences and got very impatient sometimes, because it seemed always the same, no answers and once in the interview I asked for someone a question and Baba said wait four times.Baba telling four times 'wait' was like a slap in the face, the room was all silent, it was like people were holding on the breath and I felt my tears coming up. And he came back and made a big smile and he took my hand and we were together walking out of the interview room, that made me feel better again, but I still had the feeling to understand nothing at all.

In the darshan was often just joy and finally I remembered that I felt joy when listening to my mother's voice, I was still a child and the same joy was now present in the relationship with my daughter. That is how it expanded from one to two and to all, there is no difference. It went from here to here, from one joy to the next joy and that is the level of the higher self and divinity.

If we realize that joy is in the higher self and the same was with my mother in the past and today in my daughter, it will also be the same in all other mothers, there is only one and that one goes beyond body and mind and beyond time and space. It will be the same in the future as well, it is always the same. To be established in divinity is realizing that our higher self is on that non-changing level, it is always presence and joy, it is light and love, it is only One and the only reality.

The ultimate illusion is in the past. If we are able to realize that the past is the same and just him and everything else is illusion only, we will be able to realize that we are not an individual in the body and the mind, but an expression of that oneness and a spark of the divine.

That is the goal which the pilgrimage of evolution has in view since life began on earth as the amoeba on the waters. Faith in that goal and steady march towards it, are the signs of one being aware of the responsibility of being a human.

The higher self is light, it is love, it is beauty and it is joy, we get aware of it in just watching it. That it was joy was present all over, there was a lot of joy only not consciously experienced in the family. It was also joy, even if we didn't get aware of it, as nothing changed in that moment, it was overshadowed or conditioned by work. I had tried to connect with my mother, but it was not possible, no feedback. Her life was too overshadowed by work and the joy was not experienced as it should. It felt strange and impossible to relate the higher self to family, even if it should have been there.

As she talked only about work, but in that work we didn't find it, it was like not present. Earlier in our childhood we still felt it, later coming back it was not present anymore, it was too overshadowed.
Baba said that my family let me down and probably why no joy. The joy gone, I didn't know where to find it again. But it was present in enjoying to see the family again or like now, getting birthday wishes from my brother, there is joy.
Otherwise, if there is no joy and it is not possible to feel it and to get aware of it, it is not possible to relate to it on an eternal level.
On one side it works and on the other side it doesn't work. With some we feel joy, with others not, if someone in the family does the worst he can do, there is no joy, for sure, there is rather a feeling of nausea.

It said in the inner master, that he does the worst he can do. I asked him worried, what are you doing? But there was no answer, the answer came later on and in the meantime it feels like disgust and rather sick.  
The Call of the Divine echoes in every heart; it provokes the reaction of awe, reverence, affection, love and sacrifice - all ingredients of devotion (bhakti). It translates itself into acts of worship, of praise, of adoration and of rituals. The mind through these means gets saturated with divine thoughts and is recast in the divine mould, until the flow of bliss (Amanda) is unabated.

It is the echo in our own heart and it feels like related to family.
There was joy driving to Spain and going for a visit and it was beautiful, but it was also overshadowed. But it was about the echo in the heart.
It provokes the reaction of love and affection, but it is also painful, when we cannot find it, it is kind of sad.

To know that we are the higher self and not the body and not the mind, results in self-control, because we have to use discrimination and should not go into the problem of others. But this morning someone shouted at me and I shouted back at her, but we talked about it.
Usually I stay calm and don't get into emotional stuff, but I guess it was not possible to not get into it. But this afternoon it looked all different, she excused herself and looking at the situation there is something better resulting out of it.
I was looking at the Patanjali Yogasutras.
We know Ahimsa very well, non-violence and as well Sathya, truth, that non-changing value and honesty, the absence of falsehood.
What we have less notion about it is non-stealing, but that is really going much further than we think, because already comparing and competing with someone for something we want is on that level of stealing.The West seems to have no notion about it. I guess Baba calls it character and moral values. With serenity and commitment we get beyond that stealing level.

In the Yogasutras it is known as Asteya and there is one more of those principle we don't talk about separately, it is Aparigraha, non-appropriation, absence of avarice and it was also mentioned as not taking advantage of it and that is the reality I have to face with my ex. And there is one more, it is Bramacharia, I guess that is ceiling on desires.