How to destroy the mind? - White Light I am

How to destroy the mind? It is easy once you know what it is. The mind is stuffed with desire, similar to a football filled with air. Puncture it and it will not move from place to place. In a square field filled with water from an irrigation canal, water appears in the form of a square. If the field is circular or triangular, then the sheet of water will match the geometric shape. The mind too takes on the form of one's desires. Take another example - the mind is like a piece of cloth, the warp and woof being the yarn of desire. The texture, the color, the durability, the feel, and the shine of the cloth will depend upon the desire that constitutes the warp and the woof. Remove the yarn strand by strand, and the cloth automatically disappears. This is the technique of destroying the mind (Mano Nasanam). A wise person will wipe out all traces of the mind.

Baba (thought for the day)

Over thirty years ago I began with a simple mantra and we didn't know the meaning, it was called a vehicle with the aim to carry our thoughts and attention, the mind, and to go inside. Later it was said that those mantras a special seed mantras and they are not used with the Pranava, the Om and used with the Patanjali sutras and they have to be given by a master and with puja, everything else was secret and we had the feeling to know nothing about it and most of all people thought that the OM was only for people who wanted to become monks. 

After I went to Baba one morning we meditated and after that meditation he took the whole group in the interview room. He talked about mantras and Soham and he said, 'all mantras are okay'. It was only that way I got aware that there was doubt about it, because we had not enough instruction with those Bija mantras we used with TM. 

It was by a TM-teacher we got initiated into that mantra and I had during that time, eight years of my life, about three or four advanced techniques and every time the mantra got longer. 

I liked it, because I noticed that it relaxed my mind. I saw myself as a watcher and I just observed and didn't change things, it means things should not change, but out of the inner self. And I noticed, when that inner self was there, it had to be done, there was no other way but to do it. 

Later Baba was in my dream and he was two Babas, one was the insight and one was the next step.

There was quite a bit of time between the first insight and knowing what the next step should be. But after the vision with the higher self, white light, beautiful and only love, the next step was to get out of that job, the higher self resulted in freedom. It was too much much pressure until finally it was there and we just could begin something new again. It resulted in freedom.

But of course, the new job was also not new really, it was just another job, but after some time one morning it was in the air as 'new birth'. That felt different, but it didn't look very much like that.  

After I met the Hare Krishnas and it had to do with longing for that higher self and the beauty and love in it. We began with Jappa and Kritans and I went to the Hare Krishnas hoping I would understand it better, but that was not so easy, it was a new religious system and I first had to get used to it and even that was difficult to understand. All the while we went on observing and watching and when the higher self was present, we went in that direction. That was the same during the TM-time, only the insight was 'soulmate', that seemed to go in the right direction. Afterwards the insights were not anymore as it should have been and it became real complicated and difficult, it was all upside down, Tamas. To get the experience of Tamas and to understand it are two different things. 

There were no answers and no knowledge about the observer on the TM-level at all, it was just about technique.  

It had been a light person, a beautiful white light and love and beauty, that was the higher self, but it had no body or if body, it was just light and that was gone after getting aware of it inside. 

Therefore, the personal mantra as they called it, was not only a vehicle to go inside, but for me it was a vehicle to pass the gap between the body and the higher self. 

I lived in Paris and did some French studies and at the same time I began with repeating a mantra. My partner worked at that time with Spiritual Sky, what belonged to the Hare Krishnas, our life was simple but somehow I loved it, with him I traveled all over France and I had more time to focus on my French studies. We lived nearly renounced and that means, we had very little or hardly any furniture, we slept just on a mattress, and sat on the floor eating food, but I somehow liked that simple life.

The TM-mantra was a means to get more inside. I didn't get the answers I needed with the Hare Krishnas, it was not about observing, but about devotion around the clock, twenty four hours a day. It began already when getting up and everything was done for Krishna, we cooked for him and offered everything to him before eating it. 

And I needed to go inside and as soon as I began with that TM-mantra I noticed a lot of tiredness and they said it would pass by. And so it did, afterwards it felt like lots of energy and everything began to feel differently and the focus was easier and in general it resulted in a good feeling.

Coming back by metro in Paris if scared at night in the dark on the way to our apartment, if I thought the mantra, it calmed down and felt okay. That is how I began to appreciate the influence of the positive feeling of the mantra on different levels. 

I had to pass a French test and as it was not that easy, I went to a week meditation course and that changed everything. 

It was in the Normandy in Winter in a hotel on the ocean and we could only use a part of that hotel. There was a fire place and we all practiced individually in our rooms. It was called rounding. It began with two rounds, after it got to three and after four and then we reduced it again. That was one week only rest and meditation. 

It was much easier to pass that test, it was great, I never had past a test like that before, it felt like the energy was carrying me through the test. Whatever, I had experienced before, it was gone. That was after the siddhi prep course and as it was such a good feeling, I wanted to go on and see if I could get even further with the siddhis. 

That was my decision for the siddhi's course, I wanted to fly. As I past that French test like no test before, convincing in that direction we should go on. And that is how we began with the TM-siddhis. I had already been flying, but with a real airplane. I was flying with Carl, we had met in Neuchâtel, he was flying small airplanes and I could fly with him and got that excited about it, I began to learn the theory to take also flying lessons. But I also noticed soon that it was not that easy and not cheap taking flying lessons and also Carl went to Italy, he wanted me to go with him, but that was all a bit too fast for me and I regretted it afterwards. 

With the siddhis I remembered flying and that I wanted to fly already before and therefore, I had different reasons why I went for it. 

After we got the siddhis, about twenty sutras, we were initiated in the flying sutra. The yogic flying was a special training in Gersau, in a big course with about a hundred French people. 

From there we didn't go back to Paris, we had a different attitude about it and somehow it didn't work out and I went to my parents trying to find a way to get along with the situation at home.

But TM was not the same as in France, the Swiss movement was that small and only a few people. The yogi lived in our mountains and that was probably motivation enough, if he would have been there. The way I had to get aware that he was not present, that was anything else but funny. I went in direction of the inner view and that inner view said just one thing over and over again, that if we don't know the source or cut off, we cannot understand it. What a headache! How to know the source, if it got lost? How did it get lost? What to do? Follow the master, fight to the end, finish the fame. Keep focused. 

I still hoped it would change, get better afterwards, sometime, maybe, and what about time, did time matter? When we know what got lost, we can understand it, hopefully, but first we have to find it again. 

The insight is Baba and the next step also. Maharishi didn't do that, no insights, he was just teaching a technique and that was it. 

If it was about insights, there was no knowledge at the TM level all. There was the insight that the air broke in pieces..., what did break in pieces? Why air? What was the next step? They said, just meditate and all problems will be solved. It is all stress anyhow, but when we know that insight is Baba, we know that cannot be stress. It was for sure no stress and how do we know the difference?

It made things upside down. What seemed stress was not and what seemed important was not. 

It was one of my worst times, confronted with Tamas, not knowing what to do, seeing it just as stress and that was not the right answer. And it was not the dynamics I had experienced in France. 

Also around my parent's house the neighborhood was still disturbing, as I had left it behind years ago. It didn't change. He was a former lover, who turned into the opposite, silently, without telling, high ideals turned into manipulation only, that is how it looked from my side and I had to find the reason. 

It was constantly in the air, everybody felt it, but my family made just fun of it and was letting me down. 

After he got married, instead of moving away, he came closer and ended up exactly opposite to my parent's house. What nobody disturbed, disturbed me even more, because the others made fun of it that I felt still disturbed by it and more it was ignored by them, worse he became. I tired to get rid of it, it was not possible, he was present and he went on with it. 

Until one day I didn't go back to get my visa, but I went to Singapore, happy to not go back and the neighbor was in my dream, and so he began to reflect in the inner view and I had to follow the inner master or the insight to know the next step.  

Only after years it was in the inner view as 'manipulation only'. The next step was to confront him with it. In the inner view I was driving the car and Baba sat in the back seat. 

It was a matter of following the inner master, fighting to the end and finishing the game. One day he was dead and the inner master said, 'harm set, harm get'. It was also Tamas, turned around and hit him. 

I began to look at it as lessons. It had been such a problem, I had to get used to it, that it was gone. 

But that was also not really true, it will never be fully gone, because the family lived in that idea and that was also Tamas. That means they know only the upside down version of it and as it was like that all life, I was the oldest and all life they were not able to see it as it really was, they don't want to see it, because it is upside down. 

Nobody is aware of it that we were let down, because the reason they looked for was projected in me. But it was in the father the reason and not in me and mother was too attached to see it. She was too proud to be able to see it. It was hurt pride, so she avoided it constantly and it felt like impossible to talk to her or to anybody on that level, if we talked, it was only about what they had done, how many people had died etc and afterwards we came home, back to Geneva and felt nothing but emptiness. My mother talked without talking, she talked about the news, about the weather, about the work, the flowers and avoided to ever talk about what she should have. Whatever was important was avoided. 

We were always shocked in realizing that she talked about news or the weather. We could sit together in the family and it was just easy going and out of nowhere, she talked about the news or the weather and it always felt very strange, nobody understood it.

It needs time to thinking it over and reflect on it and to get aware of it. It needs time to see it right and to understand what had really happened at that time in my parent's house and how it was possible to be let down by all of them and why it was the mother who did it and not the father. 

We always found faults with him together with her, but with Baba that background came up. It all began with Baba in the ashram telling me in the inner view that the neighbor was responsible and with that help it was possible to get aware of it how it really is and not as they wanted it to be or as they made it look like.

Follow the master, fight to the end, finish the game. 

I had no idea what I did, I just followed the inner master and it went against all what my family ever said and thought. I had been away for years, but nothing had changed and when coming back it was again the same, the attitude of my mother didn't change, it got only worse. She said she wanted to save him, but in reality she was associating with him, it resulted in co-dependence. And after she was proud of what she had done and she was not able anymore to see the difference between what she did and what he had done and that is how it got lost.

In writing about it, bits by bits I get aware of the background and why it is the way it was and why it turned into Tamas. Everything can turn into Tamas, if we don't use discrimination and are not aware of what we are doing and it said that it was naive and dangerous, that is also how it felt. 

Either we didn't get an answer at all and it was avoided or it was just omitted what we said and made fun of. Or it felt like she knew everything better or dangerous, I couldn't sleep and woke up in the midst of night in nightmares and I didn't know where that danger came from, it was constantly in the air.  

The village consciousness reflected was what had happened with my father and not that she was running around and making things well that was no issue. It was not like my mother would have liked it to be, but that was not the worst, the worst was her imagination that it changed something and that it had to look differently than it really was, because she did that, whatever it was, it was attachment and resulted in pride. The neighbor reflected the village consciousness, not that my mother wanted to be admired, but they just remembered the father. 

After Baba said in the dream that he was responsible, it changed, because the next step was getting aware of it and to get the idea and he also said that my family let me down. It was confusion, it was upside down and we didn't know where to look for the fault. 

But the neighbor was more often in the inner view and dreams. It could take a year of two until he was there again, but he always came back until he died, only after his death it was finished. 

Therefore, the time after the siddhis felt great, it was like a new beginning. And after I had to get my stuff in Paris, we took the father's car and I drove with my brother to Paris. We went to the South of France to meet that TM teacher, he lived in Bordeaux. I hoped he would be able to inspire him into meditation. It was a great time, it felt powerful, the only problem was, we didn't get aware of it. 

And the flying sutra was an outward movement into activity, people began to hop around and after a while I didn't like it that much anymore, I would have preferred to focus on the inner view and that is what after all  happened, the inner view grew and not the outer flying. 

When we go for a course, we always think it is something new to be learned, but afterwards it was no question anymore if we wanted it or not, with every program the status changed. First we were only meditators, afterwards we were siddhas and TM-teachers and that means we had to do it, it was no more choice. 

But I was in the observer and that went on, even though it was not possible to understand what was observed. 

It was not possible to change it and TM has really nothing to do with the watcher, they meditate and see everything as stress only and all is secret and the TM-teacher from France 'forgot' to tell me that it should be done in French if I wanted to initiate with him in France. I had no idea that it was all learnt by heart and therefore, that was not a very good counselling, because it was crucial and important to know in what language it should be done, not only to make a right decision, but for proper planing. 

When I got aware of it, I was in the German group, it was done and it was all upsetting, because I didn't have any idea about it and it was not anymore clear if it was him or the policy of the movement which kept everything secret, there was a kind of hatred coming up I had hardly ever experienced before and I didn't know whom to blame for it and that is already when trust got lost, still thinking it was okay going on and on as the Maharishi confirmed afterwards, that TM teacher was only good as long as everything was learnt by heart and as soon as there was a personal question, the system failed already. 

When I realized I should have done it in French, and during the whole course feeling upset because I didn't like to work with the Germans and I missed the French group, they were all different, less discussions and more easy going, it was already done. 

I thought the best was to just forget it, to make the best out of it, as it was all memorized and I thought I would know in time, but there was nothing further to be known, but understanding it, what was impossible. The TM-siddhis program didn't lead to insights and if there were insights, they couldn't be understood, because the next step was also upto divinity and as it was technique, that next step was missing and projected outside on a material level. That doesn't work. 

Not if you know how the insight is and how the next step is and that it is not possible to just put it on the outside and tell that is the next step, it lead to the kind of confusing conclusion, just meditate that is your work and you will get gold for it. 

I am not sure if I would have done it, if I would have known that, probably not, because about everything looked upside down afterwards and seemed nearly impossible to be understood. 

I would never have been a TM-teacher if I would have known, but as I needed knowledge, they said that was knowledge and we went for it. That was the first experience of everything upside down, not motivated by my own self, but by the relationship to that TM-teacher, I told him about the soulmate and it was his idea that I should go and do that teacher's training course to be able to initiate with him afterwards. But I missed Paris and the simple not complicated spiritual life we had before and I didn't know anymore how to get back to it. The course ended with a feeling of 'marriage', what was surprising, because the husband was not there. He was gone, he lived in France. 

That is how it got lost and I had no idea how it had happened or even that something like lost had happened.  

I went into work with the national leader and felt 'exposed', because I didn't know how to set limitations. The source was lost. 

Something was breaking into pieces and I had no idea what it was and all turned into enemies, that didn't feel good at all, moreover, the hand was not there which should be holding them, as they appeared as puppets on a string. Something in me said, 'stop it, enough'. 

For once I would have liked to get good news, but it went on like that - upside down and no explanation for it. 

Before Baba left the body he was in my dream and he was the insight and the next step and only after that I began to understand that this were insights and that there was no next step, because it was projected on the outside level and it was only technique.

First we needed the insight and we had to take a next step, with TM that sounded always the same way, meditate and all problems will be solved, but that didn't work at least not for me. 

After I came back in the center, still hopping it would get better, there was a big black hole in my meditation and as I knew there would not be a next step, that was real scary, it felt sick and awful, I thought I would lose my mind or die of tiredness, the next step was that I took vibuthi in my meditation, because I didn't trust in that anymore and that was the step out of it.

The next step was divinity in the heart. In that time it felt that bad, I put OM in front of the mantra, hoping to feel better. 

And I still hopped there would be an easier answer to it when I went with the national leader for a visit to Noida to see Maharishi. 

But it didn't get better, it got worse, because the master seemed to be the bad guy and the other the friend, yogis are our friends. 

It was again all upside down and therefore, Tamas. 

I left and went to Baba, that was the next step. It means in that moment had the insight a next step, I went to Sai Baba, who made me aware of it why it didn't work afterwards, by insights only. It was all insight on that inner level.

I had also a dream with the Maharishi, in which he said that I should not come to him again, because I don't belong to them and I know it. It would be nice if I really would have known it. That he said it was already prove enough that I actually had to realize it, that is the reason he was in my dream. Those dreams are there to wake us.

   

What really had happened, I didn't know. Scared of the TM movement, I came back and because Sai Baba said it was not the right path, I had the feeling to not understand anything anymore and all was gone, I came back in that big black empty hole, just waiting to leave again, because I didn't feel comfortable where I was. 

I had hoped it would get better, but it didn't and it felt awful to feel the way it felt when coming back. Even though I had some of that vibuthi and it ended with the feeling of love and it went into the heart and there was divinity in the heart, coming back from India was like a shock, everything what had been my life had dissolved and was gone. 

It was clear, I had to go there, but even thought I had done about everything to do it right, it turned out in a catastrophe. 

I went with the leader to the Yogi, because of lost trust and I was scared of that TM movement and what would happen when I left and that is just what happened afterwards. 

But I couldn't go on stay and not get any answer to all the insights. It felt all upside down and that didn't help me to feel better at all. I had another dream, it was Osho who was in my dream and said I should come to him, he would give me power. I had not realized with TM that we gave power away and it didn't help me to get integrated in that society in going to Sai Baba, but it would have helped to go to Osho and do it the Westerner way. Later I did it, I went to Osho, to understand the insight and to learn as much as I could from him. It felt that good after dancing coming out and driving home, I felt like six year old, like a child, before school etc. It was like I had never felt better, but also that didn't last and it turned in the opposite and there were no answers to spiritual questions, that is the reason I was there and it ended in such a tiredness, I couldn't get up anymore and Baba was the next step and he said, it doesn't work, because older age needs more safety. It was powerful first and helped to get integrated here, but the opposite was also there. 

A very long time all that TM background seemed impossible to be understood, because the first step was missing and that was the husband, he had gone, he was in France and I had forgotten about it and how I got into it. 

It began already with him, he didn't tell me that it should be done in French. He was present only as long as it was learnt by heart, in that sense he already failed and it didn't work anymore, the reason was seen as puppets on a string, the master not there who should have been there holding the strings. If we wanted to initiate together, as it was all learnt by heart, it had to be done in French and he didn't care, otherwise, he would have told me. That is how the reason and the source and the following step got lost and disconnected. And as Baba tells, he is the insight and the following step. 

This people don't know how to think anymore, because they only meditate instead of thinking and the insight sometimes source and sometimes next step, it depends to the situation. They were puppets on a string and the hand was not there holding them. 

That was all present already during that course and it happened later on. And it broke into pieces that whole TM dream. It was all upside down and it was impossible to plan it on that basis. But for a very long time it seemed impossible to be understood and Baba didn't tell me in words, it is all only insight and inner view and just right conclusion. 

Yogis are our friends, but because of that reason it turned all around, they became enemies, they were everything else but friends, they were puppets and the leader appeared as an actor, he was just there on top trying to get the approved by everybody and he wanted to be applauded to. There was a time I wanted to go as far away as possible from that TM-movement, I was cared of it because of the big mess it created in the insights. 

As the master was not there, the actor was at his place, they were all only puppets and it means it turned into the opposites, instead of yogis they became enemies. The 'soulmate' was later only present as inner husband, it came up as 'divorce' and that made me aware of the relationship with him a faded bouquet of flowers, the master not there. He was 'soulmate' because the master was not there, the following step was in that direction and with him to that course, which felt like marriage in the end. 

As Baba said, he is the insight and the next step, also here the insight, 'soulmate' was not right understood, the master not there. The next step was cut off from the source, that was the teacher's training.  

That was also the absence of the master and not right understood and therefore, it got lost. It means the source of a problem and the result were cut off. 

I only now realize how I got into it and why soulmate, also why enemies, as they should have been friends and why divorce, what should have been husband and marriage, and why the were looking like puppets on a string and the hand was not there, which should have been holding them and why a black hole. It was all cut off, that is TM. TM didn't work with insights, they don't do therapy work helping to understand insights, they just meditate to clean the world consciousness.

That is the one thing they do and the only thing they do.   

After even the master appeared as a bad guy, the next step was going to Baba and afterwards, I was scared of them, because all that seemed to make no sense. 

And there was also that problems in my parent's house and the neighborhood. After I came back from teacher's training I met the neighbor and his wife in a bakery, I had to get something for my mother. They looked through me like through a hole, starring at me, but didn't say a word, while I tried to be friendly, I said hello and smiled, but afterwards it didn't feel good again and totally stupid, that I even said hello. 

I didn't know what it was. My mother made it look like nothing at all, she avoided it and I guess he had noticed it, he knew our family long enough and he turned into the opposite, he did it in purpose to make us feel it. That was constantly in the air.  

Between the disturbance of the parent's house and the problems with TM, all was gone, I came back and all was gone, I didn't understand it anymore. The source was lost and it said in the inner view, cut off and if we don't know the source, we cannot understand it. 

That was in 86, everything was gone, TM was gone, the parents went to Spain, I was not sad about it, because I hoped the neighborhood would be gone, until one day I went for a visit and in my mother I saw the neighbor... that means it was an illusion, it was not gone or she was the reason for it, as she avoided everything and she felt to me often like that nice that I felt embarrassed by it. 

She was that much into it making it okay or being nice to people, that it was ridiculous, it felt like she was the source of the neighbor. They knew our family and the problem and it was kind of offending that she ignored it the way she did. She came back from Spain and an old employee had died and she called her son that she couldn't attend and that it would be too much to her to see all those people who would come only to see her, that was her who was responsible that they were letting me down. When that manipulation of the neighbor began, she never listened, she knew the answer, she told me, I should not and it was done for her. 

And the incredible thing is, that she didn't get aware of it until she died. It was not possible to tell her, if we said something, we got problems with the father and that is how it was and she always had an answer to avoid it. 

Seeing her in him was an indication that she is the reason, in her was that first insight and he was the following step. I always had the impression there was a reason because she was too nice, he lived there, opposite of the street, even though I was fooled by them, she kissed his feet, that was the irony of it. She didn't want to see it that he had fooled me and that they let me down, she was that nice to people, she was not able to see anything she did. Probably she thought with being nice and charming she could win people for herself and that was such a big self-confirmation that she was attached to that idea and her influence and power. It was an illusion only, in her mind people didn't go to the burial to say good by to the former employee who had died, but they came to see her. It was for me impossible that anyone could live in such a state of mind. I just didn't get it. I always tried to understand it. I went for a visit to Spain not just to see them and have a good time with them, as they were living alone in Spain, but to know why it was that disturbed and only after she died was an avalanche in the dream, that means attachment and when she came back from Spain between us was a precipice, that means pride. She was too proud to be able to see it as it really was. It was all manipulation in the neighborhood and nobody was aware of it, but me of course, the others don't want to hear it and listen to it also not now. 

My younger brother said he would kill me if I would mention it again and my younger sister said, she doesn't want to know and the brother in the US as well, because it puts the mother in question, that is my family. As the inner master said, it was naive and dangerous. 

Naive to think she could with just being nice make everything okay again and dangerous, because the real danger and reality was not seen and avoided. 

The mind too takes on the form of one's desires. Take another example - the mind is like a piece of cloth, the warp and woof being the yarn of desire. The texture, the color, the durability, the feel, and the shine of the cloth will depend upon the desire that constitutes the warp and the woof. Remove the yarn strand by strand, and the cloth automatically disappears. This is the technique of destroying the mind (Mano Nasanam). A wise person will wipe out all traces of the mind.

Baba said, 'follow the inner master, fight to the end, finish the game'. And Mafu said, 'you might not like it, but you wanted it like that'. 

And I always wondered in what screwed up situation I grew up, but it looked lovely and nice and beautiful. 

I had to question everything, otherwise, there are no answers - even if they tell me that they don't want to hear it. There was a time I wondered when it will end and how to finish the game, but now I know it, it is done.

He is the insight and the following step and it was again an insight. One went down the escalator several time into darkness, one was on two levels dark, double faced and I couldn't reach and the other did the worst he can do.

It is finished and confirmed by the inner master. We had to finish it and even by telling that I don't belong to them, because out of that insight the next step is, as we know now, it is again him.  

So we understand what it is, sadhana or meditation? Baba tells us that it is the process of getting what we want. It has three aspects. First, there is "vritti", which means attraction to that which we want. Without this longing for what we want, Sadhana cannot get under way. But this "vritti" is not enough. 

The second factor of Sadhana is confidence in oneself, self-confidence, that we have the ability to get what we want. However, longing for that which we want and confidence that we have the strength and talent to get it is still not enough. The third factor is action. Without action nothing happens. We have to actually gain what we want and make it ours.
Baba tells us that this triple Sadhana is as effective for worldly ends as for spiritual life. 

In other words, that which is the object of your longing and your action, you will get if you are brave and have strong confidence in yourself.
The awesome power in this triple Sadhana is a secret, unknown to the general public but revealed to devotees who study Lord Sathya Sai Baba. Triple Sadhana is a Divine guarantee, so to speak, that by the intense application of Sadhana to your life, you will get what you want. This being so, it is of the greatest importance to discriminate between your many desires before you engage in the Sadhana that will get what you want.What is worth wanting? What is worthy of Sadhana? Surely it is only that which will truly and fully satisfy your desire.
What is desire? 

Desire is God, expressed as a vital force of your life. Who are you? You are the highest; in your inner most being your potential is Divine. Will the low satisfy the highest? No! No value that is lesser than the Divine will truly and fully satisfy, desire. Only God is worth wanting. Only the Highest is worthy to be the object of Sadhana. No beauty short of Him, no treasure short of Him, no power short of His; nothing that is lesser than He, will totally and finally satisfy and bring to an end the torment of unrequited desire. 

Lord Sathya Sai is the eternal Beloved in each person's heart, and desire will not be fulfilled so long as there is separation between the Beloved and oneself.
You are a Sai devotee, and thus you already have in your daily life the first two aspects of Sadhana. That is, you have sacred love for Him and are mightily attracted to Him. And your spiritual search is the evidence that you have the strength and confidence to do Sadhana. What you are puzzled about is the action aspect of Sadhana.
Why are you puzzled even while studying the Sai books? If I may venture to guess, there are too many impressions coming all at once about what to do: Mentioned in the books are a number of different activities and each one is called "Sadhana". In this context Swami has given us a very important principle which merits your best attention.

Swami points out that a box may contain a hundred or more matches, each one of which is potential fire. But He asks us to consider that only one small feeble match is needed to start a huge forest fire that consumes everything in its path; even green and wet wood is burnt to ashes. There is no need to strike a hundred matches to start a big fire. A skilful and careful striking of one match will start a fire.
By this example Swami is telling us to do one Sadhana action and do it with the whole heart and mind. And, that is enough; the rest will inevitably follow.
For your Sadhana action, why not take the action of which Swami speaks most often. In this context He declares that sacred love is the Royal Highway td God. You already love and long for Sathya Sai; what is the action that corresponds to that sacred love? Well, by virtue of His Divine Grace, Swami even tells us this.
He Whom we love, we wish to behold and be with, all the time. So all the time have Lord Sathya Sai, the Beloved, as your Guide, Protector, Constant Companion ever loving and affectionate, despite your human faults, call upon Him to bestow His Grace and be with you always. He assures us that He hears and ever responds if you repeat His Name with sacred love and visualize His Form in your mind.

This is the action to complete Sai Sadhana, the repetition of the Sai Name with love and reverence, "Sai Ram, Sai Ram, Sai Ram," and the visualization of the Sai Form—this Sadhana action from the working hour to the sleeping hour. When duty calls during the day and you must concentrate on your work, then in your mind address the Lord and tell Him that you are dedicating every moment of the work to His glory—then go ahead with full confidence and do your work. Swami says that dedication of your work and the result of your work to Him is tantamount to the repetition of His Name, and in this way the Name continues in mind and heart from the working hour to the sleeping hour. (J. Hislop)

Baba also said that Tapas is in three steps, the first one is discrimination, the second one is to go on no matter what obstacles are there,that means self-confidence and the third one is to hold on to it no matter what.

And here he explains it is getting what we want and we have to understand it right, to have discrimination means not to go for passing by values, but for the real thing, for truth. To know what we really want we have to use discrimination, without it is impossible. 
Discrimination means to know the difference from permanent values and limited values, from unlimited being and just living in the mind and projection of our desires on a wrong level and looking for it on the wrong place, that is called illusion.

Do we understand Sadhana? 

The third one he calls action to put it into practice. Do we understand it? 

Do you see how everybody is interpreting it on a different level, seeing it out of another angle? 

And only if we talk about truth and reality, we can get to the same conclusion and that we talk about the same thing, Divinity. 

In using discrimination we have to inquire, we have to get over the obstacles and be able to recognize it as obstacles and finally we have to go on no matter what, that becomes action, because we cannot go on without acting, but it has to be right action and it has to be right understood and how difficult it gets, if we just talk getting what we want, because the root of illusion is that we look for it at the wrong place. It is understood here that people know it is divine love and focus on Swami. But if that is not understood, it is automatically projected on the level of illusion and in the mind.