When the senses are brought under control by the mind, the mind itself ceases to function; it disappears as it were. Then man experiences a profound silence.
It was an awakening inside in consciousness, the body was sleeping, but the 'I' was in the body, but that was just there, and I was somehow around in consciousness and watching and there was that higher self, it was a beautiful white light and in that light, the body seemed dark, the 'I' in the body, but I knew that it didn't belong there, it was just wrong identification with the body. There was a gap between the body and the light self and in that gap was a light blue ribbon and in that ribbon was written - self.
That stillness resulting from the absence of the mind is true Knowledge (Jnana). This knowledge cannot be acquired by intellectual ability or mental agility, nor by following an example. It is sui generis.
Consider the ashes which cover a burning charcoal or the moss which covers a sheet of water. The ashes have come from the charcoal. The moss has originated from the water.
The cataract that dims the vision of the eye, wherefrom has it come? From the eye itself! When the screen that blinds the vision is removed, the true Self will be seen in its real form. Atma Jnana is not obtainable through books, preceptors or even Paramatma (the Supreme Self). You are yourself the Paramatma, the Jnana, the Atma.
To see stillness and silence as 'real knowledge' is quite unusual. And to be able to experience the absence of the mind we should use meditation. The flow of thoughts never stops if we don't know how to make it stop.
And the experience of 'sui generis' was present in the higher self.
The focus on that only, life felt like a new birth, it was kind of surprising because outside everything went on as it was before, but inside everything changed and was new at the same time.
In my family they didn't get it, they didn't noticed the change or a bit, when coming back from Paris and they all began with TM, but it was not about TM.
But the memory of my parents is back, that means not as I had experienced it, but more the whole feeling of it, how it was in that parent's house and as I had experienced as child. It began to feel different after being a teenager.
There had been self-realization in the air, I was writing a diary and I had no notion why, if with family or with writing or with whatever... It was also beautiful and motivating.
It made me go for it, even thought I couldn't find it afterwards anymore and I didn't know where to look for it. It seemed like more we tried to find it, less we could actually find it.
But it is nice to see the parents in that light and to realize that self-realization had to do with them.
It needed decision and willpower to go in that direction. After I couldn't find it anymore, I wanted to experience it no matter what. As it was not possible to talk about it, we kept silence and that helped. That silent place seems to be real knowledge.
I decided to not change anything in my life until it would be changed from inside by the self itself.
And that changed my life, even if it took some time and until now I remembered always that waiting time, but when getting aware of the father and the parent's house, I get aware of the power behind.
In going for something I had no idea when it would be there or if at all, I had to give up wanting or worrying or planning, I had to just let go and take whatever would be there later on and all that in the purpose to get out of the mind and to find an experience of stillness. And it needed patience and perseverance, but one day it was there, and no matter the obstacles coming up, I had to go on. It was about observing to find truth and that was always hidden, so it went on waiting and more obstacles. But when the self reflected in the dream as a very bright, very strong light in my inner view, it was about truth. That was it.
When I woke up my life had changed, even though it went on the same trot, the purpose had changed, the direction was clear. It changed out of the inner view as I had wanted it, only what I didn't know is that the inner view began to expand and it went on the same way.
I needed answers to understand that higher self and I followed the inner master, because that was the higher self. Only I couldn't talk to him, he is part of us and it is all about self-experience.
It was a different start at the day, because that was what I had been waiting for and nothing should be the same anymore afterwards.
It is strange, because the range of the experience is that vast, om the past I just remembered the time I was waiting, didn't know exactly what I was doing, and I remembered the pain.
But since I remember my father in that picture, it has changed and is a beautiful light. He was present in the background, he was a mountaineer and when I remembered him it always had to do with mountains and fresh grass and wild flowers. In his presence was strength, the will to go there and to arrive and he was dynamic and he claimed almost all the highest peaks in the Swiss alps and that means to go on until it is reached.
Behind him was that strength and freedom of the mountaineer, it was also a conflict with the establishment and his business life afterwards and kind of difficult to get together. But when I remembered him it was always with freedom clear air and the warmth of the mountains on a beautiful sunny day. But it was really that time before we were born, after with the family he was focused on his business only.
Later after they were retired it expanded to the warmth of Spain, they had a beautiful house with a great panorama view on the ocean and it was always warm and felt like holiday. Therefore, I have nice experiences of the life with my parents and my father.
And in that beauty is something of the higher self, reflected inside, but there it is a principle only, but it feels like with my father it had expanded to the house, the garden and the surroundings.
Going into the unknown was forgetting what had been our life with the parents, forgetting the mornings when the water was flowing because he watered the plant, forgetting the sunshine and the family and just going for an experience of the higher self. It was unknown, we had to let go, no matter what and renounce whatever we had been attached too to just be able to take it as it comes. Also my mother was someone who was not giving up, only she could't really handle the conflict between freedom and ..., whatever that was.
But I guess she also liked that. There was that strength in my father, to go on no matter what and in my mother was the same, she didn't give up.
I have been remembering always the details, but in my father is the whole present, the big picture.
It was not easy to get answers or better it was like learning a new language, only we couldn't learn it in school, we had to learn it inside in our own self.
In him was that freedom. A mountaineer has to be able to go over obstacles. I always felt sorry that I was in conflict with my hard working parents. He was a business man and he was identified with it, it was his life.
Observing was different and had nothing to do with business, but it was kind of claiming a mountain, every time we thought we had reached, we went on higher and it was still not the top and higher.
After it felt like a new birth, no family feeling anymore, and when I came back I couldn't find it. In her life is mirrored the warmth of a farm, she was a farmer's daughter, she liked animals and she was used to work hard.
Today my home, present in Baba's inner light, was also kind of beautiful.
But coming back I couldn't find my self in it anymore, it was gone, it was not that what had made me feel like self-realization. I went to Baba followed the inner master to get answers and went home to see my parents and it was in the air but not present. There was no use to tell them and if I did, they didn't understand it.
Today I don't remember the waiting, the hard time, the deprivation, the unpleasantness not knowing if I ever would get there, today I remember just the willpower to go for it and doing it.
I just remember the decision and that I went for 'that', no matter how long it took to get there and I remember when I finally got there, it was a great feeling, but I had not that possibility as I have now to remember it. It was just a feeling that I didn't understand it and that I had to go in a certain direction anyhow, it is like a soft, tender light. I was not aware that self-realization is rooted in the parent's, even though Baba had said so, but if it is not realized, it is not known.
I knew it was 'that', it was the self and it was what I wanted, but it was light and not family, it was reflection and not a beautiful house. It was love and not just the fact that I would have liked to fly.
Life past that fast and it is different now. I have past my life in search of self-realization getting aware that it was always present in my parent's house, but I was not able to feel it. It was not possible to realize it and a reason seemed that my mother was attached and it was therefore, not possible to talk to her on just a mother level and also there was pride. It seemed that has been an obstacle and therefore, it was not possible to realize that the family had to do with self-realization.
So the source got lost and it was forgotten and not present.
But now instead of seeing the long time of waiting, the problems, the obstacles, today it feels like light, the golden light of the divine light, because that is present always, also when we are not able to realize it.
It was present in the background of my parent's house. It was in Baba's Darshan, the 'I am that', it was written in the air and I couldn't even connect it to my own self-experience.
It was the confirmation that it was 'that', but I was that far away from it, I didn't recognize it. Baba said in an interview, follow the master, fight to the end, finish the game. The problem is to know when it is really finished?
The cataract that dims the vision of the eye, wherefrom has it come? From the eye itself! When the screen that blinds the vision is removed, the true Self will be seen in its real form. Atma Jnana is not obtainable through books, preceptors or even Paramatma (the Supreme Self). You are yourself the Paramatma, the Jnana, the Atma.
It was a lot of work finally to relate the higher self to the 'I am that' above Baba during darshan and to like that to come back to the parent's house. It seemed that far away, too much mind or whatever, it was just not present, they had retired from business, lived in Spain, it felt like not present or not to be found or it was because they had let me down, whatever, it was not present.
It was only present after death in my dream and my father said he had to show me something and he was at a very dark place and he couldn't get out of it, the water, death came and the light was far away like a small star.
And my mother after her death she also was sitting at the side of my bed and I was even scared when getting aware of her and she said, she didn't get the last sermon.
That is how they were present again as the parent's house and it was after death, not before, but it is anyhow present as parents and in that value they cannot change, but of course, in that realization is Baba, divinity and a non-changing value.
At least it was present after their death... And I can feel it again the reality of the parent's house and the value of self-realization in it, it feels like sunshine in the parent's house, the harmony, the love. It is present as self-realization, if we go in direction of Dharma and discrimination and the right path.
The cataract that dims the vision of the eye, wherefrom has it come?
I always wondered what it was that dimmed the vision. I guess it was the mind, attachment and pride, whatever, it was the eye, the sense level, what made it impossible to realize what had been at the source long ago, even thought that feeling of self-realization had been present in my family on the background of business.
But it was not present later anymore, looking for it we couldn't find it anymore, when I went to Spain instead of finding it, I woke up at night and felt fear in the air and wondered why.
When the screen that blinds the vision is removed, the true Self will be seen in its real form. Atma Jnana is not obtainable through books, preceptors or even Paramatma (the Supreme Self). You are yourself the Paramatma, the Jnana, the Atma.
It was that screen which was removed waiting for the higher self to show the path from the inside or waiting that it would be possible to see its real form and not stay on the surface only.
It is not obtained outside of our own self, we have to realize that we are ourselves the Paramatam, the Jnana and the Atman.
In remembering the source in the parents, it had been present during childhood and it is still present, just because they are parents. And afterwards it was there in the air with Baba, it was in the inner vision in my dream as higher self, it was between the lines of the diary and it is all the same, it is in our own self.
Only in our own self we can realize the self. A teacher can help and show the path, tell us what to do and guide in the right direction, but the realization of it has to be in our own self.
We are the Atman and the Jana.
No comments:
Post a Comment