The Instrument and the Monkey Mind

This microphone before Me, must have been made by someone, is it not? The creator is not visible or known to you presently, but you have no doubts of this person's existence. 

Besides, you are confident that this person understands and knows fully well all the components, characteristics, features and effective functioning of this microphone. So too, there must be a Creator for this Universe and He must be know all about it. 

This Universe is composed of the five elements, and He is their Manipulator, fully aware of their subtle characteristics and properties. That Creator is your Indweller (Kshetrajna), who knows His Field (Kshethra). Hold on to Him and live your lives; you will not slip. Build your activities on that basis, your career will not cave in. You will develop courage and faith in yourself and in your destiny.

Baba (thought for the day)

Here it is about being an instrument and the reality that we have to discriminate between the real and unreal, the relative existence, the instrument and the Creator of the universe which is using that like the microphone, but he cannot be seen on the level of the senses, he can only be experienced in dreams, inner view, visions etc. and is often just called as 'that', because every name is related to a form and 'that' is the principle.

 

Hold on to Him and live your lives; you will not slip. Build your activities on that basis, your career will not cave in. You will develop courage and faith in yourself and in your destiny.

What does he mean with; 'you will not slip'. If we slip in not holding on to him, we can also slip in not holding on to him properly and not being aware of it. The Indweller knows his field, the inner master. 

 

I think how great that he knows, if only I would know too, but that is another problem. He not I, he knows and not I. How to I get to that?

He knows and I don't know?

That is discrimination. He is the eternal being and 'I' think I am the body, identified with the form and if I think I am the doer I get the result of the action, if we know that he is the doer, he takes the result. 

To see things in the light of the self seems above all to take time. 'As soon as possible can be now, in two or in ten years'.

What can we do to get there? It needs honesty and courage to face it, otherwise, we don't get it. On that level we cannot cheat our own self, the reflection is based on truth.
And it is not a spoken language, but inner view, insights and visions and there was a time I thought it would be great and afterwards it was only about getting aware of it, the mind is always a problem.

Whatever is in our mind directed outward, there is a chance, that we don't get it and slip or just forget about it, or we think we know already and do not inquire enough and that means we slip again.

There was a Baba interview, one of those moments, only he knows. We were only two people and I had to translate for her. She was sitting at my left and he asked her questions about me. She was from Geneva and I had to translate into French as she didn't know English very well and Baba asked her, 'who I was, to whom I belonged and what our relationship was?' He was waiting between each question like he would expect an answer, but there was no answer and until now it is still a question, in fact, it is about self-realization.

I remember somehow that he said, he asks the questions that we can get the answer. Afterwards I began to question everything, the parent's house, the neighborhood and there were not direct, but only indirect answers and that means, the answers come up during writing and reflecting on it. 

That same devotee a few years later was in Geneva and Baba had left for the mountains in his summer place and all Westerners were asked to follow, nobody should remain back and she didn't know, nobody told her. She came back from Geneva and was alone in the building. 

Workers went in and out her room, therefore, she was known in the village. It was her own room, but she painted it again and again, as it felt never okay really. Usually she followed Baba in several taxis, not only one. It seems she took a lot of luggage with her, what is unusal to a devotee, we mostly got rid of luggage and travelled light. She planed the trip the next day following Baba to the mountains. To pay all those taxi drivers she needed cash and that must have been a big amount for some people in that village, who do not have enough food and no means to get work. 
Anyhow, there must have been a reason why she had changed that much money into cash. Someone had seen it and followed her, probably she didn't wanted to give it and she got hit with a bottle on the head and died in the hospital. 

What is our relationship? After all the years passed, that same thing happened to me, it was actually quite a shock. Only it was a different level, but it was not good.  

After Baba had asked the question, I began to talk about it and question, I just wanted to know if someone else had the same experience and questioning helps also to realize the reflection.
We lived in a house in Kodai. In the ashram men and women didn't live together, but in Kodai it was different.
Baba had asked to whom I belonged, and there I met someone and he said, that I belonged to him. It gave me the impression that 'he knew' and that was the reflection of the interview, but in reality he took only advantage of it.

In his mind he had asked Baba for a wife and it was also kind of romantic and I thought I would get answers if 'he knew'. It was always that realization that 'he knows' present, because it was a Baba interview. It was just about 'he knows, not I', but he was not Baba.
But as husband it is again Baba and I thought he would get there later in a relationship, maybe one day... I went ahead in that direction, because 'he knew' that was the Baba interview and Baba said in the dream, why I was not married and that I should not worry, he would take care of it. It was all about answers and I thought he would help to find that answer.

I guess he seized the opportunity and it was kind of a dream that Baba gave him a wife, we went ahead and it still looked all positive and okay, but I was not really able to say 'yes' and I waited for an answer and suddenly it turned into something else. 

He had given a letter to Baba and he took it and I still thought it was okay to go ahead.   

The tension between people in the ashram was quite high controlled by the presence of Baba who made it peaceful, even though, it felt like a boiling pot sometimes. 
I guess it changed for him when he noticed that the answer was not as he would have liked it to be, so he began to enforce it. In that atmosphere in the ashram it was different, it was peaceful, but people had also lots or problems, there were health and mental problems. What felt romantic first, was loaded with tension in the background of unknown stuff and whatever it was, he had not an emotional outburst, it was not a level of words, what would have been much better, but it was the level of violence and it felt really somehow stupid, how it came up, because he cut with his teeth almonds and spit it in the breakfast and I thought, that went too far, I couldn't take it and I told him to stop it. 
It ended with him hitting with a metal pot on my head, because he spit almonds he cut with his teeth into the breakfast. 
It was just that incident, which pushed the button of that tensed energy in the background of the mind.

It was kind of similar to the devotee who I had to translate for, when he asked already years ahead, before I had met that guy, what our relationship was. Afterwards, I had to hide and I walked around for fourteen days in the ashram with sun glasses, it was kind of a strange situation, like something which should not have happened and it was the black shadows around the eyes which was still there.

That was the end of it. It was no more easy going and above all it was no more pleasure to be together with him, but pain.

In the Patanjali sutras is said, pleasure can only be enjoyable if it is relieved, otherwise, it turns into pain.

That relieve was gone.

I couldn't talk about anything anymore, only I couldn't just leave as I would have liked, because we were in the ashram and in India and I didn't know where to go. I had again to just go ahead and there was a Baba dream, he knew, but I not. I went down with him the escalator and he transformed himself into a prince, I got married to and on the bottom was a big check. That was all what was left, it felt like just empty promises. 

And there began the struggle to get out of it. Instead of Baba there was an impostor, someone, who didn't know what he was doing and he never turned into the husband Baba had mentioned, he just took advantage of it. It was not as it should have been. 

As he was violent and it was hidden behind a thick layer of lethargic being, I had to be constantly careful what I was saying and I noticed that nothing ever got to him anyhow, like talking with a wall, it was just an attitude of soft-spoken and lethargic being, in the air as lethargic, like a bomb ticking silently and if he exploded it was highly destructive energy, he didn't know what he was doing. 

 

I had to be constantly aware and careful to not provoke another violent outburst, and I did it in telling, Baba did it, he has to take care of it and that went on until one day he was in my dream and said that I had a nervous break down, it felt like a prison, I had the feeling I couldn't get out of it anymore and in the inner view it looked like a mud hole.  

Instead of getting a new 'home', belonging to someone, we were with someone like that, a guy, who didn't know what he was doing. That was that kind of Lila and we didn't really dream of that. I guess that was probably the biggest deception that he had said, he would take care of it and that happened. Since then I guess I wonder why it happened really, behind is the reality that my family let me down and that we were uprooted with TM or the TM leader, who also didn't know what he was doing. Nothing but people around us who didn't know what they were doing. 

It was a shock to realized in what situation we were, in the US, when I wrote my parents, the didn't even answer. And after we came back here it was okay and I went on, but I was not in peace with what had happened, and I noticed that it was much more difficult to integrate what had happened than anything I had experienced before. We went in direction of truth and what that guy did was all based on a lie.

It is Tamas what is binding and difficult to get out of it. Therefore, it was not ended in coming back here, but it goes on for years getting aware of it and making peace with it. I couldn't take the center and other devotees, because every time I went there, it was just painful.

Baba called from inside before he left the body, since I am again able to go to the center.

Last night we had an aggressive reaction in the group and that was again nothing but suppressed energy and tension in the mind, coming up in that very moment. I didn't have a headache afterwards, as often have in such gatherings that is also why I avoided it. It has not been anymore a fulfilling experience to share that experience with other devotees. 

Last night I was not leading the study circle, and the person who did it had not enough experience, and there was that tension in the mind coming up and taking over the group.

The text said that spiritual people begin to see what others cannot see. That was the right level, but it was not possible to talk about it, because we didn't go into it, but staid on a behavioural level on the surface. One person tensed, it changed the energy of the whole group. 

It was directed by ill intended logic and fining faults and she was not aware that it is the opposite to peace and truth and yoga.
And I guess that is a general problem of the West, we think finding faults is equal to finding truth and the reality of truth is love and has nothing to do with finding faults. 
The person who did the study circle had not enough experience and she didn't follow directions and therefore, it was not that great. She began to lecture, instead of letting the others talk. 

The conflict made tensed energy come up, and someone quickly was ready to jump on whatever they thought was not okay. 

It reminded me at the outburst of my ex, and usually, if I get aware of it, I just want to go away. I am not ready to face devotees on that level, I avoid it, because I guess, I have enough of it. We have survived that violent outburst, the ugliness, the deception, the reality of being fooled, but to get over it takes ages. It is difficult to get out of Tamas again.

To realize that this energy is that easy taking over the group and how easily they all share it, that should be a lesson. 

After all it seems a good way to die if we are focused on seeing him, better than being tired and exhausted and full of doubts. Seen that way we get a positive attitude to see something negative a better way.  

That is how we shared being hit on the head and having been together with an imposing person, a despot, who never was a husband. I compared it once with the Rama story. It felt like abducted by a demon and in prison and not able to get out of it, that was not what I had in mind when he asked, why are you not married and that I should not worry and that he will take care of it. Actually, I had all reason to worry. 

I trusted to much into it, because the result of the interview was that 'he knows not I, but it went into that relationship and he gave me the feeling that he knew and the deception was that he not only didn't know anything at all but also that he doesn't know what he is doing and that he took only advantage of it.  

I get only aware of the danger now, because it was all about Baba and Lila and marriage and I didn't think of how it would be if it doesn't work, too occupied with the reality that 'he knew and not I'. 

Therefore, that lady in the interview, we had something in common, she died because she was not careful enough. And I tried to realize it and was too open and there was a monkey mind jumping on it taking advantage of it on the spot.
But it was scary to realized how she had died and he had asked what our relationship was? That felt not like a nice mirror. 

 

We try to understand interviews and insights, he knows, not I, is not a great thing, because that made me go into that relationship. 

I thought 'he knew', because it was a Baba interview, and a devotee should have enough moral responsibility to respect that and not just take advantage of it. That is why I have problems with gatherings, usually I get out of it with a headache.

It is that hidden and suppressed energy, which is always ready to break out, no matter what, because there are always those who understand truth on a wrong level, it is the mind, the monkey mind and not enough self-control. It is somehow still difficult to trust that the bad is also part of the plan of the Creator. It can be part of it, but the problem is to realize it, the problem is Tamas and to get out of it. It is very difficult to get out of Tamas.

Bhajans were okay afterwards. It felt like being in the ocean and there were lots of waves and we had spent our time moving up and down the wild waves of the mind and didn't touch the deep silence of the ocean, when two or three are together in his name, he is in the midst of us ... and it is not done by lecturing, but by sharing wisdom and that is listening and sharing... finding one-self in that knowledge.

People don't know that ill intended logic, searching faults, is the opposite of being positive and yoga, they think it has to do with truth, but that has nothing to do with truth, it is basically not understood. Truth is a non-changing level and not finding faults with others.

We have to find that eternal and non-changing level in us, it is not about being right or wrong, but about an always present and never changing reality. It means next time in our study circle I should probably tell the person who will do it, that there is a proper way of doing a study circle and that it is not safe, if we go out of that structure and that we have to do it right, it is not on a discussion and questioning and answering basis, we have to be aware of the monkey mind.