"Do not pay attention to the day when the body was born and fulfil selfish ends by celebrating the event pompously. 
The day when you manifest pure feelings in your hearts, plant firm faith in the Divine Principle in your thoughts and cultivate unselfish enthusiasm to serve others, that day deserves to be celebrated as the Real Birthday. Seva can give you the experience of the Omnipresence of God, God as Vishnu."
Sai Baba Quotes
Today I got the book 'Transformation of Hearts'.
We all wrote something and put it together. It is a book of all devotees and tomorrow they meet to celebrate and want to offer it to Baba's feet.
When I read my own experience I described in that book to make others share the experience it ended with the time when he left the body. I felt that bad, I cannot go and share. I decided actually not to go.
It is not the same if we write it down or if we share and celebrate verbally with others.
And it is not the slightest touch of celebration when he left the body, it is much too serious.
Just reading it I developed singes of stress and agony, strength gone, short breath.
It was just too difficult and exhausting to go up the steps, I cannot take that again.
It said, 'it is passion and stay alone', it seems to fit to that situation as well.
Even if it doesn't, I don't know really and if I don't know I don't go for it.
Alone in the publisher, that is the level of oneness, sathva and staying alone.
I might understand it wrong, but I cannot take a risk to fall into such a depression again for I don't know how long, nobody will be able to help me to get out of it and nobody will care.
I listen to the inner master and he said, it is passion, stay alone, right or not.
Anyhow, I decided to do it and to not go for it.
I wanted to share, but without celebration, when Baba left the body it was no celebration in any way.
During that time was no time, empty space, no way we can celebrate that. There was nothing light or funny about it. It was heavy and depressing, serious beyond imagination, it was the feeling that time stood still.
I was in that state of nothingness, no time, nothing but sadness. I was once in front of the canteen and there was someone else. She noticed I didn't react and that I didn't see her, she was like transparent and not really present. I saw her, I saw ever move, but she was not important and therefore, I didn't notice her. She changed place and tried to get my attention, but she was like not existing, I didn't react inside, I saw that she changed place. For me inside it didn't change, there was no reaction, she didn't matter.
I was not able to react, I was just watching and still in shock that he left the body.
There was no one I wanted to talk too, nobody I could share and nobody to contact or talk to, nothing in the world mattered.
Just to remember that time makes me get depressed, it was that heavy.
A celebration is not important enough, devotees or not, to make it come up again. For months I was in tears to just think of it. In fact, I will not go tomorrow.
I don't want to get into depression, because all others celebrate and they don't understand how it really was. I was in that depression and sharing it, what others just makes it come up again.
It is not the same if we write about it or we share on a verbal level.
It is possible that it comes up again and it has been too heavy, I don't want it to come up.
It is not about the book, what do I care about that book?
So many books have been written, it is about him and that he left, that matters.
Nobody can imagine the agony when he left the body and being inside with him in touch and he said, no more husband, nothing left but an empty Western shoe.
Maybe it is just personal, how do I know?
But it was sad beyond imagination.
Maybe it is just the reaction of a devotee, what do I know?
It seems somehow much too strong.
That is the reason why I wrote about it and that is the reason why I cannot celebrate it, not if I write about the time when Baba left the body.
It felt like the doomsday.
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