To reform one's tendencies and character is indeed an uphill task. One may have studied all the text-books of spiritual practice, also read all the scriptures, and may even have lectured for hours on them; but one slips into error when confronted by temptation. Like the land that is parched, the heart may appear to be free from any crop of evil, but when the first showers fall, the seeds and roots underneath the soil change the parched land into a carpet of green. You may have the best of vegetables, you may have the most capable chef in the world, but if the copper vessel in which you prepare the soup is not tinned, the dish you cook will be highly poisonous. Similarly, you must 'tin' your heart with truth, right conduct, peace and divine love. Only then will it become a vessel fit to repeat holy names, practice meditation, observe religious vows, do ritualistic worship, and so on.
Baba is the principle of the divine parents and it is based on oneness, the Atma reflects, reacts and resounds, if we observe and go on observing, after a certain time we will have the reflection in the dream stage, as he explains the dream stage has pictures, but there is no mind and therefore, it is possible that we experience the reflection of the Atma on the dream stage without the mind. It is a different reality from the waking stage where the mind is part of the experience and he said, he is the man coming in our dreams to awaken.
If we observe and wait, we will get to the reflection of the Atma in our own self. As he said if there is time involved, effort and there is a purpose, it is real. The reality is there in the reflection of the Atma, the higher self as light, beauty and love.
As soon as we go in direction of truth, we change direction, the mind goes downwards into the senses and when it is directed towards the divine or truth it goes upwards and that develops moral strength.
As soon as I began to watch and the purpose was just watching and I had that purpose in mind, only I was not that sure about it as I am now and I didn't know that it was called the Atma, it had been present long ago in my parent's house as self-realization and it was during writing a diary and waiting for the neighbor's son, we went usually for walks and I thought we were good friends, but later I should get a big surprise, from one day to the other it had ended and there was no more friendship, he married someone from the same village and it seemed somehow they turned into enemies, but to me it didn't make any sense, because his family had been always in good terms with mine and the same for my family if I said that something felt not quite right, it was not even possible to tell, they just made fun of it and I thought it would get okay with time, but it didn't and with time it got worse and it was avoided to even look at it, there was nothing, what should there be after all?
That is how it went on until I went to Sai Baba and during that time at the ashram I once avoided to go back to my country to get a visa, at that time I was six months in India and I had to get a new visa, so I went to Singapore and on the way it came up, the neighbor in the dream and he said, he would come back and get married.
And it felt real strange, because he was already married for a long time and Swami had asked me in the dream, why I was not yet married.
I didn't know why and if it had to do with some kind of promise that had been there in that relationship long ago and why it was still an issue? It was just in that time some months before that it felt again like it had been years ago as child in my parent's house, it felt kind of okay and undisturbed and not the way it did in the past years, that is how I got aware that something was definitely wrong and that there was actually a problem and not no problem, it just had been avoided by the parents.
Later I had the neighbor's son coming back in my dreams over a certain time always again and I contacted him from abroad and asked him what this was all about and why it was not really finished, at the ashram it said that he was responsible.
It had to do with it that he was the first one and that it was about marriage and the way he got married and after some time it was in the dream stage as 'manipulation only' and that he would pester me until death.
That was not such good news after all and it didn't make any sense to me how he got married and why it was still rooted in our relationship what had been promised and what not and how it had changed into manipulation, it was definitely not anymore a friendship and not the way my mother wanted to see it as nothing at all and from her it expanded to all in the family, fact was, I had a deadly enemy in the neighborhood of my parent's house and the reason was unknown, if it was due to his wife seeing me as a rival or because he didn't like my father, probably it was the last one, he had a problem with my father, he was not that easy going.
It was the man coming in our dreams to awaken that made me aware of it, after they both died, the father and the neighbor's son, he died finally quite young and they were two boys running over a grave and grass had grown above it and they were friends, it wouldn't be surprising if they would be somewhere growing up together now as my father was that important for him and he for my father, most of the problems we had in our family were due to that neighbor.
He was disturbing and I tried to tell that something felt not right and we were not really allowed to talk in my parent's house, it was not even possible to talk about it and to bring it up what felt not right, I had to just leave the house and now I had Baba in my dream and he said, that the neighbor was responsible and that I had been let down by my family.
So I didn't wanted to get back and I never felt okay in going back to my country, but I didn't know why really and that is how the manipulation of the neighbor avoided by all means by my family came up, it was just not possible to talk about it.
Every time when I went 'home' it felt that strange, I just wanted to get away and leave again and that is how I finally came to Swami in looking for truth and in his presence the truth came up, but it was not that easy getting aware of it in that way that my family was omitting by all means any disturbance in the neighborhood.
All that was the neighbor's responsibility. The idea that he was in my dream and said, that he will torture me to death was not that great really and I wondered first if he had lost his mind or what was the matter with him, it seems he liked to torture in the neighborhood and as my parent's were shop keepers it was possible, and I wondered how someone would feel to do something like that, but it also said in my dream that he had learnt it with me.
It was kind of strict, when it was about talking we were not free to tell how we felt and when that was disturbed, I noticed that I didn't know the language how to talk with my parents and as it was not addressed, but avoided, it was not possible of getting aware of it. It was like a lobotomy only it was not medical, but with taboo and no way I could address it, so with time I always had the feeling that I didn't say what needed to be said and that it was too late for that, that is how the conflict felt in the background and that went on over years and got worse without that someone was aware of it. At that time I was in Geneva and when I was driving 'home' it was usually first a good feeling, but as soon as I was there it felt different and disturbed and often I wanted to leave again on the spot.
That something was not quite right was in the air above my father when he drove with me once with the suitcase to the train and I was leaving again as often before already, the catastrophe was in the air.
I tried to do my best and I was writing him in a short letter trying to explain things as it was not possible to talk and I told him that the catastrophe was in the air, I thought it was a warning, but nothing happened, I could tell them no matter what, there was no answer coming back and from the mother's side it felt like, she is just blaming us for everything and no answer.
After it was present in the ashram as 'he is responsible', he was quite often in my dreams and following the inner master I had to get aware of it, I had to find a way to address it and therefore, I contacted him before I got married and it felt just strange, I didn't remember the neighbor as I had seen him before, he had nothing in common with the person I had seen in him and during that time we dated and I had the feeling of self-realization.
It was also not possible to relate to that time again, it was too disturbed. Also I couldn't see the neighbor or remember his face, nothing made sense anymore.
It was avoided by my family and so I got aware with Swami that I had been let down by them, there was not nothing, they just didn't want to see it and that is how the disturbance went on and it was that bad actually that it felt like I couldn't remember my childhood anymore. I remember how I was in my parent's house and it felt that disturbed, I was unable to remember how I had felt as child at that place, that was a kind of a disturbance and when I tried to tell something, they were just making fun of it or mother said, what do you have, there is nothing.
It was not possible to make her aware that something felt wrong and that something was wrong, she always found a means of not having to face it. The best way to remember my mother is with blinders, she just didn't want to see it with all her might, there was nothing and I often thought that seems just not possible, but it was just impossible to address it, so I wrote it down and send it to them from abroad and I never got an answer, they went on avoiding it and later it was in my dream as the mother.
It said, if a mother falls, all children fall with her, so they all thought it was nothing and after her death it came back in an abusive and much worse way from the side of the younger brother. The conflict was not dissolved it went on in the background, it had expanded to the whole family and the problem was not gone and done after my mother died, but it was still present in the brothers and the sister.
It came always again up in the dream stage again, and when I hoped that it was finished, it was again in my dream and I wrote him again and asked him to stop it. And even if I didn't get an answer, the whole issue came up because I addressed it and that is how I got aware that my mother was just avoiding it and that it was not no problem, it was the mother, she didn't want to see and it was that strong in her, the neighbor must have noticed it during the time when we had met, his brothers as well went in and out our house and so he knew that he could do that with my parents or with my mother, that she would not look into it by all means and that way he was able with manipulation to disturb at that place in that parent's house.
The problem was real, he was there in the background and said in my dream that he would torture me to death and even if I tried to laugh about it and to make fun of it as my family did, it was not really possible. I didn't know what I had done and what was that bad that he had turned into such a monster and enemy. It was bad enough for my mother to be avoided, for me it didn't make any sense anymore and probably my father would have understood it, but nobody talked about it, so it went on in the background silently, but it was still there and by avoiding it he didn't stop, it was still there, if someone tells he wants to torture, there is a reason for it, we might be not aware of it, but when he tells until death, it means he will not stop even if my family avoided to get aware of it.
And if he was maybe a hidden sadist and it was for fun that he liked to torture and he did it in a subtle way, nobody could see it, but he was always there in the background, and he was an enemy, but he lived at the end just opposite the road, as close as possible, it felt like it was his hobby to make it come true. He didn't follow me and threatened openly, but my younger brother did when I addressed the issue, he was like an echo coming back telling me if I would every say that again as I had mentioned it and I said even that it was all my mistake, he said if ever I would tell that again, he would kill me.
There was something threatening in the father and how I had to leave the house, it was again present in the abuse of the brother and it had been always present also in the neighbor, so my mother trying to see everybody as nice and good and her friends only was kind of besides the point, she was really walking around with blinders.
He was a trouble maker and it didn't change anything that it didn't make any sense to my mother and even less to me, probably it made sense to my father, but as we all didn't talk about it and it was not possible to address it, it went on in the background like a big shadow, it grew and got always a worse problem and it ended in the younger brother in using those threatening words to create fear, and that was after all very real.
After I addressed it by following the inner master, it began to feel better, after all I knew him very well and when that obstacle was gone it was possible to address it and I wrote him to stop it every time when he was in the dream again, what he didn't do as he said he would go on until death, so finally he died and I was actually quite glad when it was finished.
It was a way to address it and always when he was in my dream again, I told him to get lost and to stop it and that is how the divine parents took care of it, he made it come up what had been avoided by my parents.
I didn't know why, my father would probably have known, my parents should have known, but as they didn't wanted to face it, it was impossible to get on and to get it to the point.
For me it felt like the neighbor just didn't move away and went on with his life, he came over the years always closer and we could maybe ignore that, but not what it did to my family when it came back from my younger brother like, 'if you say that again, I will kill you.' That is not exactly the way we should talk in a family, something is really wrong and that was avoided by the parents.
For me it was very strange, no matter where I went, even if I went shopping I was able to think that it didn't feel okay and I tried to remember how I had felt years ago and I wondered why it had changed like that and why it was not possible to just feel okay, it went on like that in the background. If I went by chance once or twice to the mountains where I had been as child with the family for picnic, I was standing there wondering why I felt the way I felt and why it was not the same anymore as it had been before when I grew up at that place, it was all disturbed tue to the neighbor and my family didn't believe me, so also the family was gone.
When I was at the ashram with Baba I felt okay and even once it felt like it was okay again and the way I had felt before during my childhood just like myself and then the whole thing with the neighbor and the family avoiding came up.
That is how I got aware with Sai Baba how and why I had been let down by my family.
To reform one's tendencies and character is indeed an uphill task. One may have studied all the text-books of spiritual practice, also read all the scriptures, and may even have lectured for hours on them; but one slips into error when confronted by temptation. Like the land that is parched, the heart may appear to be free from any crop of evil, but when the first showers fall, the seeds and roots underneath the soil change the parched land into a carpet of green. You may have the best of vegetables, you may have the most capable chef in the world, but if the copper vessel in which you prepare the soup is not tinned, the dish you cook will be highly poisonous. Similarly, you must 'tin' your heart with truth, right conduct, peace and divine love. Only then will it become a vessel fit to repeat holy names, practice meditation, observe religious vows, do ritualistic worship, and so on.
I was just meditating regularly no matter how the vessel as it is purifying the mind, it is the practice that takes care of it that our vessel is not poisonous, as I lived already in an environment that was poisonous and my mother making the best out of it didn't make it better, but only worse, it was like she told us what do you have, there is nothing, look at the vessel it is clean, but it was not tinned and therefore, no matter how it looked it was anyhow poisonous. It just didn't make any sense to me that anyone in the neighborhood would do something like that and stay in such a way as an enemy in front of the door all our life. It just didn't make any sense to me that anyone would do something like that.
I watched a movie not long ago it was a german triller, an alone educating mother with two children met a man, they were both school teachers and he had to take himself back when he got angry in the class room and somehow that seemed to have changed his character, what began great, turned into to a nightmare when he became violent and abusive. He was in prison for it and when he came out of it, he was unable to work as school teacher anymore and he was looking for revanche. He began to threaten her and follow her no matter where they went. They had to move away and live somewhere else and he found them again, there was something of that reality in the neighbor, the feeling of it, not the nice neighbor's son like my mother wanted to see it, but the monster, pestering, harassing, mobbing in the neighborhood and not moving away. It was a kind of the same feeling and background in that movie and when he nearly had killed her and her son nearly would have shot him as she got a gun, he walked just away and a half a year later he had killed himself as he had again a violence problem with the next woman he had met and would have been sentenced to even more prison because of domestic violence. The feeling of that movie was the same, the background, the threatening and how she got into with a romance and nobody thinks that things can turn that way when it has to do with violence, but it had turned into something else and it has been a nightmare for the whole family. It was a similar situation, only in our neighborhood it was hidden as it was manipulation, but it was nevertheless disturbing and it reflected at the end in the words of the younger brother, it means the family didn't get better, it got worse with time.
With Baba being the divine parents the issue came up and I had to address it, so he replaced the parents and he changed the situation, it was not anymore avoided, but we had to get aware of it and face it and then we knew why we felt the way it had never felt normal again, so after that guy had a problem with my father it was not done as my mother thought it was not moved out of way, it was there present and overshadowed out life for a long time and it has kind of destroyed our family.
They think they did their best and they had a house at the end in Spain and they retired in Spain, but when he talked about building that house in Spain above his head was illusion and that is what it was, the house in Spain and moving away didn't take care of it, it didn't get better and the problem was not solved.
He took over and made us aware of it, while the family as they don't know him go on in the same pattern.
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