Joy and Grief and getting to a Right Conclusion

Your child will give you great joy through its play and prattle, but when it interferes with your work or demands your attention when you are working on something important, you get very angry with it. Your child now becomes your source of joy as well as grief! Remember, there is nothing in the world which can give you unmixed joy. Even if there is one such thing, when it is lost, you will become very sad! This is in the very nature of this world. So try to correct the very source of joy and sorrow, the mind. Control your mind and train it to accept and see the real nature of this objective world, which attracts and repels you in turns. This is the real fruit of education!

Before reading this words I was in my morning meditation and it went through my head how many different situations I already had been in an out and meditation was always the same. If we meditate we just go on through joy and grief. 
There was a time I had been at the USA I went there to learn English and at that time I didn't meditate yet. It was a difficult time and not long ago I had a big old Buick in the insight and it was too big, it didn't have room in the small tunnel I had to pass and I was scared to get stuck. After I came back from the US at that time my life felt upside down. 




I didn't wanted to come back, but also it was not possible to stay and already before it felt not okay, my first boyfriend had turned into the opposite and he probably noticed that he could do that with my parents, he was not talking anymore, but he was always that close that we had to feel it or I had to feel it.
He was pestering my life space, he was a neighbor and his parents lived in the neighborhood of my parent's house. 
Somehow they had turned into being enemies, but my parents had a business and didn't want to even look at it. In no time something had felt wrong and felt like constant disturbance and I didn't know where it came from, when I tried to tell my parents, they either overreacted, because of what had happened with their own problems in the past in the neighborhood or they made fun of it. 

But it was just not possible to address it, the issue came up in India at the ashram that he was responsible and in following the inner master I began to question it, why he was responsible and in doing that finally it was in the insight as 'manipulation only', so it seems he had sensed it that he would be able to do that with my parent's house, he knew them good enough and that they would not believe me and they would ignore it and he used that information against me. 
Whenever I said something I had nothing but problems with my parents and it felt like when I just said something, I was thrown out of the house, I had to just open the mouth it was already too much that means with time I knew there was no way I could address it and get rid of it, but it was not clear what it was until the man coming in our dreams said, you have been let down by your family.
I went to the USA at that time for learning English and it was organized by the father, somehow brought up the past up and they didn't want to face it anymore and therefore, as farer away the better. 

So I didn't feel okay in that time not at the place where I had been in the USA and not going back what they called 'home' what felt not like home anymore. 
The person who drove me to the airport had been driving at that time a Buick and after I came back, I had never the feeling anymore of coming home. 

That is how I began some years later with the spiritual path, I began to watch, fighting my own fear because I tried to know why I felt the way I felt, it was somehow awkward, every time when I went 'home' I enjoyed the thought of it and when I was home, it felt not right and I wanted to leave on the spot again and that came up during the time at the ashram. 

So when I was in meditation this morning I was thinking of the source of joy and that we find in the divine the source of bliss and joy and how we went through joy and sorrow before we began to meditate. 
That time I didn't meditate yet, but meditation was for sure also a means of getting stronger to be able to go beyond the mind and the body. 
At the ashram in Swami's presence after a while my life felt okay again and I wondered as well how that had happened, I would have liked to stay at the ashram and in his presence forever just because of that reason that it felt right again. 
And then the insights began. 
The neighbor who was responsible for the reaction of my parents was in my dream and told me he would come back and marry me, what was kind of strange, I wanted to just feel okay not marry him. 
So before I got married after all I called him and asked what that had been in the dream stage and he of course didn't know anything about, but I had to follow it anyhow because the Swami had said, 'follow the master, fight to the end, finish the game'. I always hoped that it would be finished finally that fighting to the end, when it was just about the beginning. 
One time he was as insight in my dream and said, he would go on make problems and pester me until death. 
I didn't believe it, I wrote him back to leave me alone, but it had been in the dream stage, but the manipulation that began after the dating him went on, he got married with someone in the same village and it went on after the parents were retired and moved to Spain. 
I wrote him that I would take him responsible for it and I went on telling him to stop it whenever the man coming in our dreams to awaken was present as the neighbor again in my dream that went on like that with Swami as the man coming in our dreams to awaken over years, sometimes nothing happened anymore for two years and then he was present again, until he died. 
I was actually glad when it was over, I was tired of it and in the insight was later, 'harm set, harm get.'
So that was finished after all, but finishing the game means we have to get aware of it and I am still working at it. 
As that problem behind was in the parent's house and because they were not able to handle it in that neighborhood, it was burdened on me and I had been thrown out of the house three times without any reason really, just because I tried to address the neighborhood. 
That was not my problem, but the fathers or the parent's problem, but it became my problem like that due to the manipulation of the neighbor who turned out to be a deadly enemy. 
It liked peace and harmony and I rather moved away than to get in troubles with anyone and in that situation it was not possible, I couldn't avoid it, right action was addressing it and not avoiding it, I had avoided it all my life and it went on, until I began to fight it and then it got better at least I felt better, he was still living opposite to my parent's house. 
I had to learn to address it and to face it as it was not possible with the parents, I had to face it with Swami in the background of my life. 
Thus what they did was also not right action, it was impossible to bring it to the point with them. 
In that disturbed situation I went to the USA, was unable to sleep without light and when coming back, the big Buick placed a role in it, that was the nice part of it and the coming back was not great as I didn't know what to do with that situation in my parent's house and nobody was aware or wanted to get aware or wanted to know what it really was, either they made fun of it or they overreacted and it was a taboo talking about it, it was impossible of getting aware that it was manipulation only. 

We had that meeting and talked about good and bad and the source of both and someone mentioned that we just should focus on equanimity and he said, we give it to him.

What does it mean we have to give it to him?
I wondered how I would give something like that to him? 
He took care of it, without that I had to give it to him, he made the source of it come up until it was done.

If we meditate, we don't worry about giving it to anybody, somehow meditation takes care of it, but not doubt he was there taking care of it.  

I had often the impression that I was not sure what was meant by giving it to him, the way my ex gave it to him was taking advantage of it and what does that exactly mean. 
We have to think it over again and again to get to a right conclusion. 
If he didn't wanted to do something he used is as an excuse, he said he gave it to him, in that case he thought it was no more his, but it was Swami's problem. 
And we were unable to verify it as we didn't understand it. 

That came up last year. 

We went for a visit last year after we had met by hazard at the ashram, and we thought we had a quite nice time, we were looking at old photos when my daughter was still a child and he had lots of photos and we had some tea and we wondered a bit about his place. 

He was all those years living in the basement of his sister's house, as had said it arranged him, with other words, he was able with not much effort to take advantage of it and he never cared about his daughter or his family. He didn't have to pay much rent, but now the house became too big and she has sold it.

She he is living in the basement of someone else. 

After that kind of nice day we had together at night in the dream stage was a cart of crap, so I wondered, where is that cart of crap coming from? 
It is a wake up call, as he Swami said, he is the man coming in our dreams to awaken. As we felt okay the same night he was already there like telling us, watch out, it is not exactly the way it looks like, instead in the insight was a cart of crap. 

I wondered about that picture, why a cart of crap. 

And in yesterday's thought for the day is mentioned the cart and the crap on it is the result of it if we don't listen to him. 

If we see life as a pilgrimage to God, we picture inside a road towards the divine, a long road until we die and the moment we die it is of importance to be with God. He said once, either it is Rama or Yama, Yama is the God of death, if it is Rama we can get liberated, therefore, it is important that we journey towards the light. 

Since the experience of the light as the higher self had been there as insight long time ago it felt all we want, the light. 
But I didn't call it God, I called it higher self. 

When I began years ago with meditation it was in purpose to be in touch with that inner self, as it is beyond the mind and the body, there seemed no other way to stay in touch and first I had tried jappa and singing and somehow meditation seemed to be okay and it was steady as we did it regularly. 

And he is telling us that we are bound to succeed. 

In the meeting two days ago someone said we give it to him and stay in equanimity.

Nobody asked a question or wondered how it is done to give it to him. We gave it to him by means of regular meditation, it takes care of about everything, that is why we meditate to be in touch with him, we give the stress and strain in our mind to him and purify the mind. 

Nobody asked how is it done, giving it to him, but it was clear as it had to do with equanimity, meditation also has to do with equanimity. 
Last year it was different. 
Our hotel could have been better, it was not really great and as it had been a promotion offer I just went for it after coming back from India, as it had been a promotion offer, what I didn't notice was that we were unable to cancel it. 

In fact, it looked similar to a motel I had been in years back when I went the first time to the USA and it felt like a similar place and near the airport, I thought it could not be that bad and I had booked it without seeing in small letters that it said that it cannot be cancelled. 

So we had to go by it and his sister told us that the place and neighborhood was not okay and I had in mind to rent a car and as it was close to the highway we had only to drive there go in the room and we had the parking place in front of the room. 

As she was not happy with it, I asked him to see if he could cancel it for us and he called, but it was in vain. 

Finally we got an email where he told us that he gave it to Him and that he is now an instrument and it is now his Lila and we should pray that he will take care of it, and he would for sure give us a good deal, with other words, no matter what would happen now it was upto Him only, whoever that was, Swami probably and no more my ex of course. 

Like that he informed us that he was unable to do it and that he didn't want to do be bothered about it anymore. That was how he got rid of the responsibility that he should care about his family being okay and that is what he did all along. 
He found a way getting rid of it in as he said, giving it to him, and now it was upto him to take care of it.
And that had been in the dream years ago, he had a Swami dream and he said, 'give, give, give, I will not give, you lived a dream that is your problem and not mine.'
I was often thinking about that dream and probably more often than my ex, but it seems the answer to it. He called it a Swami Lila, said he had give it to him and he wanted him to take care of it that is like asking a favor and the answer was, it was a dream and not his problem. 
Everything about it is not right and misunderstood and not only misinterpreted, but upside down. 
If we take the cart and the two bullocks tied to the car we can get aware of the situation, we have the mind and the intellect just taking advantage of it, it is a mind game, not a Swami Lila. 
It was difficult getting aware of it. 
And not only that, but he sat in the midst of it, the center of it being the instrument, he was in control asking Swami to take care of it and telling us to pray that he would take care of it, he had to do nothing at all, he was just sitting in the midst of it and no matter how it would turn out, it was not his, but Swami's problem and he felt great being the instrument, I had never heard something more crooked and perverted than that. 
That kind way of thinking and what he called devotion, what is nothing else but a bad monkey mind, is the father of my daughter and that upside down story we thought was a Swami Lila. 

He sent that email or information asking us to pray that he will take care not only to me, but as well go his daughter, being now an instrument and she looked at me and asked, 'what's that?' 

It was the crooked way of an excuse giving his responsibility away to Swami and everything that was about to happen was afterwards his Lila and no more her father's problem. That what he was doing and it explains probably why in twenty years he never cared about his family or his daughter, she grew up without father. 

It was just a way of taking advantage or telling, 'we give it to him' and putting himself in a good light as instrument, in reality it was the opposite, upside down and Tamas or as Swami said years ago in Darshan, 'it is perverted, you have to get a divorce'. 
And we get in such a way aware of it why perverted, it is all upside down.
Now means to talk sense, we had tried for the last twenty years, he doesn't even hear it, if not even his sister could make him hear it. 

His sister tried to talk him into it that he should get another accommodation for us, as it was after all for his daughter and she hadn't been there for years, but he refused to do it, he gave it instead to Swami. 
She was upset and told us that he was on her shit list.

As it would have been some kind of effort and it would have cost him some money, he of course didn't do it, no sense of self-sacrifice, he is a miser and when it is about money he will always find a way to turn it into something else and any way of falsehood and injustice is for him a means getting out of it. 

They made such a fuss out of it that I had nightmares in that hotel. I had a dream that we were abducted etc. And when we went there, we got to know that he was not driving on the highway anymore, with other words, his sister had to do it for him. 

We got a rental car that she didn't have to take care of us and after all walking to a bus station and waiting for the bus and coming back at night would have been much worse than when we had a car, the most important thing was that we were able to have the car in front of the door. 

We got a rental car and with the GPS we had to go and pick him up at his place and get with him around. 

He said he meditated when we met, it was also not honest and based on falsehood. He had said in the moment when he was initiated he knew he would do it all his life, his former boss had paid for the initiation, but some time later he said, he never did it. At that time I didn't understand what he wanted to tell me by that, but now we know we had to learn the hard way.  

So he let me believe that he was doing it to get me into it to inform me one day about it that he never did it and I was that surprised and I didn't expect that in a Sai Baba ashram, I didn't understand what he said. 

It is the principle of Tamas, upside down and based on falsehood and as Swami mentions in these words, we have the bullock of the mind and the intellect, tied to the cart of the 'inner self', that is falsehood and injustice when anything seems okay to justify the means.  

It is not the ideal of truth, but the mind and the intellect, he is telling us whatever is in his favor taking advantage of it, about everything he said was not true and that is how we get aware of it and at the end it is just ridiculous that this had happened at such a place where we talk about high ideals and truth always. 

It was not possible to verify it and it was not possible to know and we didn't understand what it was, when he said, he gave it to him. 

As we were used to meditation it took care of it and it made it easier in that sense if we meditate, but in reality it didn't as he never did it, so the basics of it what I thought was relating us was already not there. 

Narcissistic tendencies are also seen as emotional vampires and that we find reflected in the face of Swami with vampire teeth.

Before we had left twenty years ago I had a Baba dream he had two faces, one had vampire teeth and the other a very long nose. In that time I had to take care of the child, it felt like a warning, something was wrong. 

I noticed once in that time when I got a necklace from someone and he had made me in purpose feel good, when coming back my ex didn't stop to talk or pester until the good energy was gone, just because of the reason that he was not the one who got the attention and it was not possible of staying out of it, I didn't say a word, but he didn't stop until the good energy was gone. 

We knew from the insights that it had to do with an energy vampire, everything turned around him only, he couldn't take it if someone else had he attention as it seems. 

On Sundays he had to do his laundry and we had to wait for him in front of the door until he had finished. 

He had put him in such a situation that he was in the center of it, if not his sister, we had to pick him up, we had to drive him around etc. 

If we look at the house of self-realization, the floor is self-confidence and after we came back here, there was an insight about a ruin, he was standing in the ruin, he had ruined it. In that insight there were only holes in the floor, self-confidence is the floor, we can ask, what is self-confidence?

In a ruin the walls were crumbled, no walls, just some stones left of walls that had been there once, no self-contentment. We can ask what is self-contentment? There was no roof over the head, no shelter, no self-sacrifice. 

He didn't care about us, only about himself, there was no self-sacrifice. 
That we know now, it was the same last year and when he should have taken care of it or should have done something, he gave it to Swami, that way he was an instrument, instead of self-sacrifice. 
He didn't care about his daughter, he didn't care about being a father, he didn't care about family, but he went every year for a cheap vacation to the ashram to India and he went to his sister's house, not because he cared about family, but because it arranged him. 

Whatever he does it is in his favor only and there is no self-sacrifice.If there should be self-sacrifice, he gave it to Swami, that is how we can take advantage of giving it to him. 

The house of self-realization was a ruin only. 

That is how we get aware of the insights and their meaning by listening to Swami's words. And after we drank tea and looked at old pictures, we drove back in that hotel which was not good enough and not in a good neighborhood, but it was quite convenient, we put the car in front of the door of our room. 

After we had rented a car it was not that bad and we even enjoyed the evening looking at old pictures and then we get a wake up call and it is a cart of crap. 

The cart of crap, in the cart could be something else, there could be a family even, but lucky we are not in it, instead there was only crap left. 
We cannot change it really, if we would be still in that cart it would have destroyed us as well as Swami warned his daughter of going back to him, he would destroy her as well. 

The information in his words is about two bullocks, the mind and the intellect, falsehood and injustice. If there is only crap on the cart, we can be sure that there is falsehood and injustice. It is the result of it, crap only. 

Swami said as the man coming in our dreams to awaken, that he is the insight and he is the following step. Therefore, the insight was the cart of crap and the following step is in listening to his words getting aware of it and when we see it in our own life, we can understand it. When we don't see it in our own life, we cannot understand it, we just read words. We have to think it over. And that how we get aware of it and therefore, it is the following step. 

We went actually to his place because we had met by hasard again at the ashram last year and at the ashram it felt good, he seemed to be even nice and that was how we had met many years ago. At the ashram it felt perfect, but there is nothing but a ruin left and a cart of crap. 

Since we didn't go back afterwards, the insights were clear and truth has to come from the heart, therefore, if truth is coming from the heart and Swami had to do with the vampire, he is the heart, the reflection is right action and that was not going back. 

But that are only pictures and we have to somehow get aware of it to be able to make out of insights inner view. That it is inner view, we have to understand it. 

Swami said in an interview, follow the master, fight to the end, finish the game. 

Following the master is the truth in the heart, the reflection of that truth is right action, if Swami would not have had vampire teeth it would have been all different and probably he really would have send us back and when we are getting aware of it and it would have been a different way of fighting to the end and finishing the game. 

But he had vampire teeth and therefore, it was tamas and that needs to be given up. 

Sathva is the path, Rajas, passion needs to be transformed, Tamas, ignorance, perversion, inertia we have to give up. In following the master we just the truth in the moment and we have to go by it, we can see the whole situation only afterwards. 

He told him in his dream that I had to go and make peace with Swami, and he looked at it as peacemaking on the mind level and not peace as a spiritual purpose. 

If we blend truth and right action, there will be peace. 

Truth and right action if blended are pace. If we want to make the experience of pure love, we need truth, right action and peace and only when we have those three, we are able to experience pure love. 
That are the human values when we practice and experience it. On the spiritual path we have to be careful. 

We have to find the truth in our heart, then right action is the reflection of that truth.

But there was another insight, his credit card was in pieces. 

When we separate truth and right action only pieces are left, the insight with the credit card in pieces makes us aware that truth and right action were separated and that means only pieces left and no peace. 

Therefore, we went to make peace with Swami in his mind, because there was no peace and it has been separated by untruth or falsehood and not right action. 

Pieces cannot be clued together. 

As there seem to be lots of narcissistic traits, the main focus was for him he only and He used the 'giving to him' only in his favor. 

He cannot take it when someone gets more attention than him, therefore, when I got that necklace it felt like he was envious and he had to destroy it and he didn't stop to pester until the good energy was gone.  

In his dream Swami told me to go back to my lovely husband. He heard only that he said 'lovely husband', he didn't realize that he said it to me only and I had alway told him that he never felt like that and even less like a lovely one. 

We wonder if a narcissistic person can ever be lovely, but yes at the beginning they tell us everything they can, they make it look perfect even to make us go for it until we are in the situation and then it is only about taking advantage of it. 

That is how his focus was on himself, he put instead of Swami himself only in the center of it. 

There is no understanding of the idea of self-sacrifice and living for someone else but everything he does is in his favor and his advantage only and as the man coming in our dreams said, he was only taking advantage of it, with other words we can see a strong narcissistic ways what is also called emotional vampires what corresponds to the man coming in our dreams to awaken as Swami with vampire teeth. 

Whatever he tells, his way of truth is not true, but falsehood and adapted to it that it is in his favor only, there is no truth, there are only the two bullocks in front of the cart and instead of the house of self-realization, we have the mind and intellect and falsehood and injustice, worry and hatred, and we have as a result a cart full of crap. 

In the insights we find the reality that there is no spiritual path, he never cared about it, he turned everything in his favor just taking advantage of it. 

Life is a pilgrimage to God; the holy spot is there, afar. The road lies right before you; but unless you take the first step forward and follow that step with others, how can you reach it? Start with courage, faith, joy and steadiness. You are bound to succeed. Your mind and intellect are two bullocks tied to the cart of your 'inner self'. The bullocks are not used to the path of Truth, Righteousness, Non-violence, Peace and Love, and so they drag the cart to the road that is very familiar to them, namely falsehood, injustice, worry and hatred. As its master, you must train them to take the better road, so that they may not bring disaster to themselves, the cart they are yoked to and to the passengers in the cart.

Von meinem iPad gesendet