Drama and the Almighty

Silence is the first step in Sadhana, which makes the other steps easy. It promotes self-control, lessens chances of anger, hate, malice, greed and pride. Besides, you can hear His footsteps, only when silence reigns in the mind. Cleanliness opens the door to Godliness.

Inner and outer cleanliness are essential to install God within your heart. Service saves you from the agony you get when another suffers; it broadens your vision, widens your awareness, and deepens your compassion. All the waves on the sea originate from the same sea and also merge in it. Seva teaches you to be firm in this knowledge. Practice Love. Practice hatelessness. None must be looked down upon as secondary, inferior or unimportant. Everyone has their allotted role in the drama designed by the Almighty. Do not slight, insult or injure anyone; for, He is in every being and your slight thus becomes a sacrilege.

Baba

Sadhana is spiritual practice; like regular meditation on a daily bases and as Baba tells us here it makes other steps easy.

I had an experience of 'self-realization' writing a diary at the age of seventeen and afterwards I couldn't find it anymore. And I didn't know why it was gone, but I grew up in an environment where it was not really possible to talk, not from the side of my mother, not from the side of the father and it ended up with the same type of neighbors. The whole family had been in a friendship with someone who turned into the opposite after he got married. I was young and I had time and I didn't think there would be a problem. With the oldest brother of that family I went for walks sometimes. It was fun, we were young and it felt good, everything was at the beginning.

I wrote about it in the dairy thinking it was interesting and I was at the same time watching my mind and the feelings and somehow I got with that focus to the insight – self-realization.

The love was not with him, but with the family as it was in the parent's house and all seemed to be good friends. In my parent's house everything turned around flowers and garden and it was also beautiful and sathvic and therefore, it was easy to understand that we had to cultivate the heart like the garden and take care that the weeds didn't take over.

As I wrote that diary when I was in my room and the neighbor threw usually a stone at the window and I could get out of the house without anyone noticing it what made it even more interesting in my parent's house, I thought.

But as it turned out he didn't tell the truth, he got married not much time after with someone who was from the same village and years later after a meditation course it was in the air as 'village consciousness'. Everything what happened in his life was on that place and in the village.

He stopped to throw stones at the window and I never spoke with him about it again and I had never mentioned about writing and self-realization. If I thought it was important, there should have been enough time to tell later on.

My family was not focused on staying in that village and I wanted to go and learn languages and travel and he never said that he wanted to get married as soon as possible.

She also lived in the same village and it seems he used that connection to our family in a way that it turned into manipulation. It didn't even make sense to me, it just felt wrong.

But the problems really began when I tried to talk about it or I put it in question and I got the answer, 'you should not'. My mother didn't even listen, it seemed it offended her in such a way; she was not able to listen. So it was not possible to talk about it.

Only when Baba left the body he said in the dream that I had been let down by the family and only in reflecting about it in self-enquiry it is possible to understand what had happened.

From that moment on it was not possible to talk with my mother anymore without getting the answer, but you should not. I didn't understand it and when she was against us, the father was anyhow also against us.

In no time my parent's house was that upside down it felt like not recognizable anymore and I didn't know what had happened. I just know something was wrong and it never changed again. My mother was not able to see what she did. Later it was in the air as a precipice what means pride, but she couldn't see it; she avoided it with all means. It was awful.

It began on one place and it turned into an avalanche which covered finally everything after she died. So that is what Baba meant when he said that I had been let down by my family.

The father seemed always upset and angry; I was looking for the fault in him. He was the bad guy and she was the good guy, but it was never as it had been before anymore.

It means I couldn't find that feeling of self-realization and that was what I wanted and I couldn't find myself anymore. In an interview Baba asked, 'why are you here?' and nobody answered it and he answered at our place, he said: 'Self-realization'. That is what I had been looking for and with him it was present and when I went back it was gone.   

In the ashram it came up and was in the air as that the neighbor was responsible and Baba said in an interview, 'follow the master, fight to the end, finish the game'.

That is what I did.

The inner master was present also during that time writing the diary before I noticed that it was impossible to talk with my mother. I had a dream with the neighbor at that time. It felt like I had forgotten it. It was gone far away and just in that moment he was in my dream. That was strange and he said he would come back and marry me. He was somehow always present and he lived close by and in the end just opposite to the house, but no talking, but it was never possible to really forget him and with Baba that disturbance was gone and in the moment I realized it was gone, he was there again in the dream.

Who is the inner master? How do we know when it is the inner master and when it is not?

I met someone just after that who wanted to get married and he was there and the other not, but it was the same subject – marriage. That was anyhow a big issue in Baba's presence because he talked about the husband and often asked ladies, 'where is your husband?'

It looked kind of ideal because he was also in India, he was with Baba and we seemed to have the same interests. So we went ahead, but to make sure that I understood it right or I did my best, before I went to New York I called the neighbor at work. As he was always living in that same village we knew where he worked and it was no problem to get him on the phone, only it didn't sound good when he said that he thinks that is not right.

I never said I would marry him, I left it open and I asked him why he was in my dream and said that he would come back and marry me, if he was already married for years.

He said he knew nothing about it and I talked with him only for a short while, I didn't recognize him anymore. Nothing in his attitude and way of talking reminded me at the person I had known many years ago. So after that I went ahead and I went to the US. After our daughter was born it began to get downward with the relationship very fast.

I didn't know what it was, but it became real difficult. We went to Portland/OR and to know what it was, I began to write that guy again who lived in the meantime opposite to my parent's house, like taking over my life space.

That would have been okay if his attitude would have been different, but he ignored me and they treated me like thin air. I tried about everything to not be disturbed by it, but it was impossible. The worst was when I said something and I made the worst come up possible. My mother instead of listening began to make fun of it and she said as usual what do you have, there is nothing. Or if the father got involved he was screaming around and it was all for nothing, it had in not time turned into a power fight and it was impossible to talk with them or to make them aware of it.

She was not able to look at it or to talk about it, she avoided it and we got always the same answer what was no answer at all. It didn't make sense to me why I should be let down by them because of that guy. She probably thought she could talk us into seeing it differently, seeing it as no problem and taking it easy, but that was all on the mind level and it was just not possible, because we lived in that disturbed environment and her attitude made it not better but worse.

We lived in a disturbed surroundings, that guy with his village consciousness took care of it that we should feel it. We thought they were friends, but it was a hard waking up. They were no friends and my parents were not able to deal with it.

It seemed it got always worse. When I came back to that place, I expected my parent's house and as soon as I got aware of the disturbance I wanted to leave, because it didn't feel like home anymore.

But it was not only my life that was affected by it, but the others of the family as well. It was very difficult for us to grow up at that place.

My father messed with a young neighbor girl we were still children and my mother didn't sell the business, she wanted to be brave and she went on thinking it was the right thing to do and that she could make it better. If she wanted to do that, she should have been able to know what she did, but that was not the case. The village consciousness was not as she would have liked it to be, in reality she didn't change it, in a sense, she made it worse, because she ignored everything what was coming from that side and blamed us for it.

She blamed us for everything in the end. She was no more mother and there were always those who made us feel it. The worst was really the attitude of the family avoiding it and it turned into abuse. As it seems it was that feeling of being let down by them and the difficulties resulting out of it, that constant wanting to go away and not coming back.

And of course, exactly where we looked for the friends, we found the opposite and the enemies. That is not surprising, only it was naïve of my mother to think she had such an influence on the village consciousness if she worked hard. It turned into the opposite, no friends.

It is always where it hurts the most and after all I am not surprised, but the inner master said that it was naïve and dangerous, I guess it was because she was running around like nuts and kissing the feet of the clients and expected it to change something. In that sense it got not better but worse. After her death there was an avalanche coming down and it covered everything and just had missed me, we could see nothing but ice and snow as far as we look and avalanche is attachment. She was attached and therefore, there was pride and she was no able to see her own mistakes and was always looking for it at the outside and in others, thinking with her effort to save the situation and him she was perfect. It felt like she was writing her own award for destroying the family after all when there is nothing left but snow, where was the family gone?    

The precipice was in the air when my mother told me that the neighbor died suddenly and she expected some kind of reaction on my part and I couldn't tell.

What did she expect that I was attached at that nutty guy who had nothing been but a bother all my life? She had a kind of romance still in mind, when it was nothing but manipulation and it had destroyed my parent's house and it was a desert and there was nothing romantic about it at all.

I felt much too relieved that he was gone as he had been a disturbance all life through but to morn his sudden and early death and later the inner master said, 'harm set, harm get'.

It seems he somehow got what he deserved living all his life at the same street and being focused on that shitty aim of his life. No, I didn't morn him, for sure not. Ten years ago he died.

I hoped that it would normalize as fast as it could, but it took time to get aware of it, it was that upside down.  

There was a time it felt that disturbed and I couldn't find my mother and my parent's house anymore, I always wanted to leave and go as far away as possible, as soon as I came back and I felt that in the air. They didn't notice it how I felt. I was glad to go with my ex to the US, only that turned out different than we thought it would, because he had only in mind to take advantage of it. He said lots of strange things which didn't make sense as long as I didn't know what he took only advantage of it.

If there is a problem, it seems there is always someone just waiting for it to take advantage of it.

But it is all long ago past and a lot of the people involved died already.

It was the life of my father; he had created that for his family. My mother was running around making it better, not aware of what she was doing and she was attached on it and we were let down by them.

My mother was not able to walk, she was always running and at the end of her life she could hardly walk anymore. If she didn't feel good, she began to move to feel better.

The insights showed that it was attachment and she tried also to achieve the unachievable and told us we could never do that. That was terrible that she still expected to get a reward for what she had done.

It was awful to see that run for nothing, for an illusion and not even for truth, just for running and to achieve the unachievable and from our side it was not possible to do anything about it but to watch and to suffer it.  There seems nothing worse than illusion.

All the effort for achieving the unachievable, that is illusion, because we never reach what we hope to get if we live for an illusion. We just get sick and die early, before we have the time to live. We die without that we have lived. She was after her death in my dream and told me that she didn't get her last sermon, that was the only thing she could get and she didn't get.

Whatever, but she didn't get it.

Everyone has their allotted role in the drama designed by the Almighty. Do not slight, insult or injure anyone; for, He is in every being and your slight thus becomes a sacrilege.

That is also easily misunderstood. We have to see it in our own life to get aware of our own mistakes and what is attachment, pride, illusion and how we are trying to achieve the unachievable. Also it is insight to see how the meaning of life is destroyed if we focus on wrong values and ideals.

It becomes a sacrilege if we insult and find faults in others when it is in reality our own mind we have to blame and we do not see the almighty in the other, but project the mind in the other.

It is needs discrimination to know right from wrong, truth from untruth. Baba said in the dream that he is the 'insight' and that he is the following step.

To see the 'insight' in the light of his words if we listen and think it over and absorb, we learn from it and that is the following step.