Too Heavy, the Burden on my Shoulders

Bad thoughts and habits, bad company and bad food are hostile grounds where disease thrives.

'Arogya' and 'Ananda' go hand in hand. A sense of elation and exultation keeps the body free from ill health.

Evil habits, in which men indulge, are the chief cause of disease in the physical as well as the mental state.

Greed affects the mind; disappointment makes man depressed. Man can justify his existence as man only by the cultivation of virtues. Then he becomes a worthy candidate for Godhood.

Baba

Sometime I just get the feeling that sathva as understood here is of course always right, but too pure for the freedom of the West, because nobody in the West has that experience and we have to live here, that is our duty.

Freedom is also sathva and a complete different approach, but it also leads to self-realization, but the question is if it is real in the end.

The worst thing I experienced with my ex, who wants to be a good man. He doesn’t have a sense of duty. He uses Baba only to take advantage of it. Baba fulfilled his desires. He gave him a room when he needed one, he gave him a wife and a daughter when he wanted it and he gave him the opportunity to live at his sister’s house, when he had enough.

Why a wife and a family if he didn't want it?What is good? Was was his duty? What is the teaching of Baba? He went to the sister and wrote me that he would go the path of 'least effort' and that Sai Baba just arranged it like that for him? Since then I cannot talk to him anymore, because I feel like screaming my head out.

Baba got us out of way, so he could go ahead to his sister and live with her again and he never cared much about his daughter, we could stay where we wanted, he didn’t care. He never asked if she was okay, if we needed something, if we would like something, not once since we had left. The first seven years until the divorce I took care alone of her, we didn’t get any money at all. Her father went to college for again four or more years and his daughter was my problem.

She was also his daughter not only mine.

Before she was born I had a Baba dream, he said, ‘he is fine’ and I thought it was Baba and he said not Sai Baba, but the little Baba and he meant the yet unborn baby.

It was good to know, only later I realized why he said that, because the father was not there and it was also his child.

For him it was not holy, nor was his family in any sense holy or the wife he said he got from Baba, how could it be from Baba if it was not holy to him?

There was no feeling of holiness. He went to his sister and told us that he went the path of least effort and never cared if we were okay or not.

He had no sense of duty at all, he didn’t even know what his job was. He searched for it all the time and he expected me to take care of the family including him. He felt like a little boy not a man, and he wanted my family to take care of all of us and him too.

He went to his sister and is still living there, she takes care.

After divorce he had to pay a minimum of support for the child and I refused to take something for myself, because it felt ridiculous. He couldn’t even pay enough for the child, what about the wife, but it is not fun that we got with Baba in such a situation, not at all, because he made it look all different.

He said he had money, he said he had a job, he would again have a job with his former boss, he said even he would be rich, he was an imposter and he used the fact that he lived in the room of his boss like a prove for his fantasies and dreams.

He talked constantly about his friend and that was the reason he was in his friend's room, because afterwards he would work with him again. He fooled us in every sense possible.

When I realized it I had a nervous breakdown, it was a shock, because I believed in Baba's lila and trusted it and that was the result.

And a child and a family is not an lasting a few years and we can go on, it has changed my life. I am glad to have her, but the rest was not great. And I didn’t know it was a nervous breakdown; it was Baba who said it inside. And after he was in his dream and said that I had to go and make peace with him.

My ex was constantly arguing and mostly about his job. He wanted to stay home again and write a newsletter and I should go and work and take care of the family. We went with four hundred USD for three months to my parents to Spain and afterwards to India to Baba and a MasterCard.

We didn’t had the flight back to Bombay with us, because we thought it was cheaper to get it in India and I wanted to fly from Prashanti with the child, she had a fever and was sick. When I tried to get cash to get a flight, he had cancelled the card.

That is how he took care of his family.

He is not a good man, he was a fraud and a cheat and he took advantage of about everything and everybody and he doesn’t get what holiness is. I repeat the reflection of Baba inside that are his words. 

Last year when Baba left the body I sat in front of the ashram and the fact that I didn’t get the room brought it up again and Baba said inside, I had to send the bill and it was the end of it, no more frustrated letters to my ex, because the aggravation came always up again and he also made clear that I have to start new again and I was not even aware that it was not finished yet. I thought it had ended a long time ago.

And when Baba left the body he said, no more husband, nothing left but an empty Western shoe, but inside in the reflection were two shoes, the other shoe is the daughter, he also didn’t take care of the daughter, she has no father, and please tell me something good about it?

Strange that this came up when he left the body..., that were his last words inside before he left.

What is a good man? He was a hypocrite and a deceiver.

He was soft spoken and cheating.

Are not our acts prove of being good or not, in what sense did he live upto Swami’s teaching or in what sense did he take care of his family?

Why did he make us feel we would be okay and that he would have a job, if it was not true. He lived a dream and Baba said inside in his dream that it was his problem not Babas.

He thought he could go to Sai Baba and that he would fulfill all his desires, it was not about learning and duty and holiness, it was just about taking advantage of it.

Baba said in the interview he had with Baba that he had bad thoughts and that he had a bad monkey mind.

I had no idea in what I went into when I got together with him. Baba said in the child's dream and she was only six years old that her father was stupid and that he was destroying himself and if she would go back to him he would destroy her too.

That are not my words, that is the reflection of what Baba said and after we came here and the family let us down as before, we had only problems.

He said it in my dream that it was a stupid thing to do and the ‘he took only advantage of it’ that is the reflection of what Baba said, not my thoughts, I didn't realize it otherwise, I would never have been together with him. And that was during the time I was in tears because Baba left the body.

I trusted in Sai Baba and went into that relationship because he had taken a letter in which we both asked about the relationship and Baba took it.
It was my ex who gave him the letter and I gave up my power to him that was a mistake, but I though it was okay.

That is how we learn, but what do we learn?

If he would not have taken the letter, I would no have gone for it.

It was a Baba lila and I agreed to go for it.
He said he would take care and I thought that was the way he took care and he took the letter, that looked like he took care. He always talked about husband. He took the letter and I went for it.
But it was a mistake, when he left the body he said, that it was silly to do that.
At that time I didn't know Baba enough, and it means I have to pay all my life for the mistake that I have misunderstood Baba’s lila?

My ex had no notion of divinity and that it should be holy.

He said he knew I was the wife Baba had send him and it felt okay, because I thought it was holy to him until the first problems and the whole dream was gone, it was not holy and the arguing began.

He liked to argue, he thought I had to solve problems, he was not only arguing, he was constantly arguing.

But if I wanted to ask or talk to him there was never time, at night he wanted to go asleep at morning he was reading the newspaper and at lunch was something else.

And it was not possible to be understood, because I didn’t see the source of it, because it was a Baba lila.
It came up last year when Sai Baba left the body that my ex only took advantage of it, he said it inside a few days before he left the body. 
I forgot,
disappointment makes man depressed. Man can justify his existence as man only by the cultivation of virtues.
There have been nothing but disappointments.
With TM there was that friendship, yogis are our friends, which elated it.  
A sense of elation and exultation keeps the body free from ill health.
But the yogi was not there and the friendship and prinicple of yoga broke into pieces.  
And with Baba he said, don't worry 'I will take care' and that what is left, nothing left but a pair of empty Western shoes..., I mean if that is not a disappointment, what is it?
How did he take care? How do I have to begin new? That is what I do, I follow the inside guidance, and if it is again a disappointment...?
And if we look at it differently and it is all a mistake because we didn't know? I didn't know Baba enough and went into that relationship because I thought it was real and he didn't know him enough because he thought he would fulfill all his desires.
But I have to live upto it, I take care of the child and do my best to live upto dharma, while he sits at his sister's place and went to Baba once a year... Baba took care, but he didn't...
Baba said it was not his problem, but that of my ex if he lived a dream. He didn't take care of it... and my ex also not... so who takes care, I do - I take even care of the fault that Baba was misunderstood. It is on my shoulders, only it feels too heavy.