Joy and Sorrow

Sorrow affects you because you feel you deserved joy and did not acquire it; but there is one impartial distributor of joy and sorrow, who gives you what you need, rather than what you desire. You may need the tonic of tragedy to set you on the road to recovery. The Compassionate One, the eternal all-knowing God, He knows best. Welcome the tragedy and fight your way through, with the armor of the remembrance of the Divine. As all rivers hurry towards the sea, let all your imaginings wend their way to God. The play is His; the role is His gift; the lines are written by Him; He decides the dress and decoration, the gesture and the tone, the entrance and the exit. You have to act well your part and when the curtain falls receive His approbation. By your efficiency and enthusiasm earn the right to play higher and higher roles - that is the meaning and purpose of life.
(Thought for the day)

How do we see that or think it over in our life to be able to absorb the truth in Baba's words.

What questions to ask? What are moments to remember when we felt joy and thought we deserved more joy and we did not acquire it?  

So Baba explains that the distributor of joy and sorrow, gives us what we need, rather than what we desire.

If I look at my life, as my life is the only means to understand it, in that time after we left the US, we were asking for it, whatever it was, most of all because Baba had said, 'you didn't listen, you have to get a divorce' and there was no listening and I said it again and again, we were like stuck, we didn't go nowhere, it didn't advance anymore, because it was always about the same issue and that was getting that divorce. Baba said it in the inner view, but it was for me a must, if he tells me to do it, the reason why I will understand later, it means we just had to do it, but there was no listening. He was ignoring it totally and just wrote back that he goes the path of least effort or that his friend said that there cannot be any divorce etc.

Whatever, I had the paper with me, exhausted from asking when we met finally in the ashram seven years later, it was because of the daughter and she changed schools, therefore we went but we happened really to be there at the same time as he went, because for her school began in spring and he went there for Shivaratri, and in Baba's presence he signed it without further discussions and without any arguing. Some people who saw us together said to my daughter, maybe they get together again, but she said, 'I don't think so'. Even if it was nice to meet again in the ashram and we had met there years ahead and he felt like a different person in Baba's presence, he didn't listen and that was the reason I had that paper with me and he signed that agreement and it was much too much troubles and time and effort and asking and writing all in vain, so that the nice time we had there didn't matter, he still didn't listen and we had to get a divorce for that reason, Baba said, 'you didn't listen, you have to get a divorce.'  

What does it mean to listen? It is not just reading and thinking we understood it, because his words are insights and truth and we have to listen to be able to absorb that truth in our own life.

And I am not sure if it turned into sorrow, it was for sure not joyful.  

What is sorrow? It was no joy, that is sure. In Baba's presence in the beginning there was lots of joy and now the heart felt heavy and in vain trying again and again telling him, we went for Baba's Lila we have to go for it again and what was for him Baba's Lila and as Baba said later in the insight that he took only advantage of it, so also that was not true, he didn't go for the Lila and therefore, he also didn't see any need to listen, he took only advantage of it.

It was a lot of time and aggravation and the worst in it we cannot find or feel Baba in that. He always tells to not hurt anyone, 'help ever, hurt never', he didn't listen, he didn't care if it was aggravation. There were no words telling him, he ignored everything as he took only advantage of it. To get aware of it was nothing but frustration, it was anger and upsetting, it was overshadowed by sorrow.

And meeting in the ashram was nice, but he had never asked to meet again, not for his daughter and not for the family, he didn't care, so even if it was nice in Prasanthi and in Baba's presence and he felt like a different person in Baba's presence and it felt like the way we had met years ago and I would have forgotten all the bad things maybe, if there would not have been that effort in vain asking him to answer, asking for a response, asking for common sense, because to me it felt like real stupid if we go for a Baba Lila as we called it and if he asks something, whatever the reason, we don't do it. It just could have been a test and a way to love or something else, whatever, and even if I said to him that we didn't listen, we have to get a divorce, he didn't get it. He felt that stupid like a mule and whatever that was, but he didn't listen and he didn't realize that we had to get a divorce just for that very reason, he went on not listening after all he was just too stupid to be married with and in the end it felt like an insult to just think that we could be married, nevertheless, I didn't understand how that could happen in Baba's presence and why we went into that and that was the big question and we have to accept the path of truth, that is part of 'pure love' if we want to make the experience of pure love and if we accept the path of truth, we also have to accept right action and if we accept right action we understand peace.

So in his dream Baba said that I had to go to him to make peace with him and he began to blame and argue and find faults, because who can be that stupid that he has to make peace with Baba. Now we know who is that stupid, he himself, he understood it on that outer mind level and so we left and it was that stupid that it made me feel sick, therefore, too much stupidity turns also into sorrow.

After trying in vain for seven years and he never got into it, ignoring everything and he didn't listen also to me and whatever he began once, it was like a joke, because he didn't listen to Baba so how could he know that I had been the wife Baba had sent to him, if he didn't listen?

He began it and it was all due to him that it was like that. He looked at himself as the so called 'lovely' husband, even if there was no reason for it and it was awful to wake up in such a sick situation and whatever we said, he didn't listen. So things made totally no sense anymore and there was only sorrow.

The same way he had said that he knew he would always meditate when he got initiated into TM, that is what he said first and it felt good, like we were the same on many levels, but later he said he didn't do it. By listening and thinking it over with Baba's words, we can get aware of it.

We never meditated because we knew we would do it the rest of our life, we did it because it was right action and if we accept the path of right action, we also have to accept the path of truth and we have to understand peace. If there are more people meditating the effect gets bigger and therefore, we wanted other also to meditate. It was about right action and truth that if everybody is able to solve their problems that there is peace and therefore, it was never about doing it for the rest of our lives, but it was always about getting other also into meditation, if someone understood the message of truth, he had to go into meditation because it was right action and more people went into it, more it would take care from inside that the world advances in consciousness and that there is peace.

If we listen, we have to accept truth and if we think it over and we discriminate between good and bad, we have to resort to scriptures and we have again to accept truth and that we find in Baba's words, he is for us the scriptures and he explains it and we understand it through him or not at all.

To resort to the scriptures means with other words also listening to him.

We didn't listen, if we would have listened, we could have gotten aware that we meditate because because it is right action and it was never a question if we did it our whole life, we did it and we knew if there would be more people doing it, it would be better for world peace not only for us and that is why we initiated people into meditation and we got more people into meditation. The message was that we do the best from the world if we come from the inside.

It was not at all interesting if he said he did it the rest of his life, he couldn't know anyhow, because everything can change in time, we were not thinking that far in the future, but only in the present more or less and we got as many meditators together as possible to get a positive effect on world consciousness.

If that message is true for all, we have to accept truth and if we meditated together there was a growing mental potential on consciousness level and it had an influence for the world and world peace and more people are doing it, bigger is the effect. And it had nothing to do with doing it for the rest of life, but that we get as many people into meditation as possible, that is understanding peace and the effect on meditation on world consciousness and also to get people into it so that they can use more of their mental potential.

If we meditate we get more intelligent, healthier and if we know how to solve problems it is also the best for world peace. That is how we understand peace, therefore, we did it every day for I don't know how many years regularly and we went on like that in the US, but he didn't change and he didn't listen. If we meditate, we solve problems differently and not with arguing, but with right action and with the path of truth and therefore, for me it was a waiting for a solution after he said that he never did it, there was that much which didn't make sense and he liked to argue. It was Baba's presence and if he said that he knew, if he didn't listen, he knew nothing at all. But he was always into arguing and finding faults and it was not fun to live like that, but I didn't realize how bad it really was.  Finally he signed the divorce agreement. Baba said, 'you didn't listen, you have to get a divorce' and it took seven years to sign that paper because he didn't listen and that was the very reason for the divorce. It was awfully upsetting and nothing but aggravation and that was all after we separated that we had to accept truth and if we accept truth, no listening, we had to accept also right action and that was divorce.

It felt good to see him, but I guess it was the ashram, the environment, Baba's presence what made it that charming and what I didn't know was that it would afterwards turn into the opposite. We left after ten days with a signed divorce agreement and now it was done and went back and now it was like things were falling into pieces again. It was not only in the inner view level, but also on the outer experience level, because nothing made sense anymore and also not why we had been in that situation.

At work with a lawyer, we were manipulated and used as he was preparing for the Russians getting into the Swiss industry, ever year someone was lead off, out of safety reasons for the lawyer because it was against the law. When it was my turn, I told him that I didn't expect anything else from him and in that moment 'danger' was standing in the air. He didn't know what I knew and only a few years later it was in the open how the Russians went into some old Swiss firms and are today the main shareholders. It was all about manipulation. That time was not easy and at that time I couldn't find Baba anymore. We went to the Sai center and he also was not felt for me there, it felt like not the right level or not present and afterwards I went into dynamic meditation and dancing to try somehow to get answers, nothing made sense anymore and I was thinking that something went wrong in the past. The sorrow was to not feel him anymore. I went to Bhajans and it felt that boring, it was in the mind and not beyond the mind. I went to the Seva activities, cleaning a creek and I left and said, no more, I felt sick. I went to a Sai retreat and wondered where Baba had gone. There was no joy to sing or to be with other devotees, it had all turned into sorrow. Finally I didn't go anymore, because it felt better that way.   

I went into dynamic meditation to get away from silent sitting to get into inner distance and to realize what was wrong and that way we went into dancing, it felt okay at the beginning. It was like joyful,  until I went to the inner child workshop. With the therapists there was a role play with my daughter and in no time it switched and the therapists felt like my parents and it impossible to make them aware about it. So I got aware of it and they didn't get aware of it and that was really upside down and it resulted again in pain and sorrow. Baba came from the inside and said that it was okay to go on if the light was light blue and that I should stop dancing, what I did.

I always listened to the inside information, because I had to realize something and that had to be realized.

With the therapists in that  inner child workshop it was also light blue, so I went on questioning it and in the end it turned into 'green'. There was a workshop with Villoldo and it was also light blue, but it was only one workshop. Baba has said that TM was not the right path and I still didn't understand it, so I went into Chigong and it was Amma, she was in my dream and we travelled over China back to India and in that moment I knew it would go back to meditation. Baba said that I have to start new again and I began to meditate again in the morning, but not in the evening, to not just meditate, in the evening was something else like, writing, singing, thinking it over, dancing or whatever … not just sit and meditate as I did before.

After I went again to the Bhajan singing and I began to go beyond the mind. During dancing it was about going beyond the mind, all the thoughts coming up when dancing and being was constantly aware that this is 'not that', we had with to transcend the mind and I was kind of used to it. I was focused on the 'I am that' and it went quite fast beyond the mind. It was great, there was a feeling of music, nothing but that and going back to the rhythm, a universe of sound and in that sense a great time feeling integrated here again, but it was not lasting. So I went back singing and I realized why it was that boring, people didn't go beyond the mind, they were just singing and I began to go beyond the mind, not singing, but feeling it.

Only I didn't want to be a leading singer and constantly sing and concentrate on Bhajans only, I had already enough, I was writing and I was meditating and thinking over Baba's words that was enough for me, without that I am constantly trying to learn new Bhajans and sing to not forget the old once.

I began to tell no and what I think about it and after I had made my standpoint clear what was not that easy, I began to feel better. The insights began to grow and Baba was present in signing again, but due to my own effort. And in the study circle Baba is also present and that is a great feeling.

If we meet people in Rajas, we will not find  him, but only their ideas of it and that is in the mind and overshadowed by Rajas, it ends with sorrow.

Rajas begins sweet and ends bitter. It is painful to not find that love and somehow we thought it would be easier and if he is not present, that results in sorrow. It means we have to know how to go on in sathva to be able to find him and that will end after all in joy and not in sorrow.

After I came back here from that long time until divorce, I expected to feel okay again as before and it was all overshadowed by what had happened.  It was not like in the ashram in his presence, it was awful to see it all somehow overshadowed and not to know how we get beyond it, that is we expected joy and what we got was sorrow. It was not possible to find him, because it was all the mind and the mind is like clouds, they overshadow the sun and the clouds have to move away before we can realize the sun again. The mind is limited and if we don't know how to get out of those limitations, we are trapped in it.

There were discussions and problems and the study circle I thought felt like a catastrophe, and I never went anymore, the only safe thing was to stay in distance.

Sorrow affects you because you feel you deserved joy and did not acquire it; but there is one impartial distributor of joy and sorrow, who gives you what you need, rather than what you desire. You may need the tonic of tragedy to set you on the road to recovery.

So we didn't find the joy we had experience before and there was sorrow because we hoped to get that joy again, if we deserved it or not, it was no joy.

Already before it had not been okay and now even less. It was already difficult and now it was even more difficult, even more problems, that was rather upsetting, it felt like enough and there was no understanding of it.

Today we can accept we needed it and that is how we had to learn, but it was painful.

If everybody else was in passion, we needed to find a way to stay in Sathva and that is when Baba was in my dream and he said, 'it is passion, stay alone'. So I began to stay alone or go into distance if it didn't feel right and in the meantime it has changed.

To know the difference between good and bad we have to resort to scriptures and Baba's words are our scriptures. We don't understand the scriptures anyhow if we read it directly, we understand it only in Baba's words or not at all. It means we need the tonic of tragedy to set us on the road to recovery and how does that road look, it is for sure not rajasic, if it is Rajas and we have been already in tragedy, it makes the pain grow and it ends in sorrow. The road to recovery has to be sathva only.

The Compassionate One, the eternal all-knowing God, He knows best. Welcome the tragedy and fight your way through, with the armor of the remembrance of the Divine.

If he is compassionate and the One, that is the only One, he knows how we all feel and it is not only us, it is all when it is the One. He knows best and the road of recovery is not only for us but for all and that is a different level. After going through it, we seem to see the end of the road, and now it looks a bit different.

The armor of the remembrance of the Divine is always a help, if it is by meditation and by thinking it over, meditation alone doesn't get us to the insight that it was a mind prison, we have to also accept truth and by accepting the path of truth, we have to accept right action and that is how we understand peace.

If we are in the limitation of the mind, it is limited and feels like a trap and we don't just go by the limits in our own mind in thinking about the divine, we have to understand it. We have to get aware of it and if we realize that it was always Baba and not about human relationship, the sorrow goes away, because he never dies, whatever the tragedy, it is present because the mind is limited and it doesn't go away just by thinking about God or even by meditation, but it goes away by getting aware of it that it is He and that it will always be Him, we are not separate him from the mind, that is how we get out of the mind.

 As all rivers hurry towards the sea, let all your imaginings wend their way to God. The play is His; the role is His gift; the lines are written by Him; He decides the dress and decoration, the gesture and the tone, the entrance and the exit. You have to act well your part and when the curtain falls receive His approbation. By your efficiency and enthusiasm earn the right to play higher and higher roles - that is the meaning and purpose of life.

How do we get aware that all rivers hurry to towards the sea. The last surprise for me was a feeling of belonging together and realizing that I thought it was that person, but it was not, he said in the insight that 'we belong together', so it was he and not that person. That person was also just an instrument he used to get to that experience. If we see the person and not him anymore, there is no more joy, it ends in sorrow. It is all him, we have to realize it.

The play is His; the role is His gift; the lines are written by Him; He decides the dress and decoration, the gesture and the tone, the entrance and the exit.

How do we realize that is His play? We listen to him and we think it over, if we see it in our own life and really seeing it, the truth has to be absorbed in our own self, it is kind of like a brainstorming, we write down what comes in our mind about it and we listen to that truth of his and that is how it begins to work and turns into inner vision. We get aware of the dress and decoration and why it was like that and not otherwise, and we need to think it over. If we realize that he decides the dress and decoration, the gesture and the tone, the entrance and the exit, his presence is permanent and he is not going away with the exit, he is still there and if that is realized the joy is coming back and there is no more sorrow.

So it is the ignorance what makes the sorrow, the limitations in the mind, but even if we know that, it has to be inner experience to be able to understand it.

We have to be able to accept truth and if we accept the path of truth, we have to accept that path of right action and by that we can understand peace and only if those three things are there; truth, right action and peace, we are able to make the experience of 'pure love' and we realize that he is non-changing and always present truth and there is no reason for sorrow, he is always here and he will never not be here if he is in the body or not, it doesn't change, the body is on the level of illusion.

It is not an intellect decision, it has to be inner vision and inner being and experience, otherwise, it is just the idea of it and in the end we are still in sorrow.

You have to act well your part and when the curtain falls receive His approbation. By your efficiency and enthusiasm earn the right to play higher and higher roles - that is the meaning and purpose of life.

If we act well our part we are aware that it is his Lila and we know that nothing is permanent in life and when the curtain falls, we receive his approbation, because he is still present, he didn't go anywhere and he was there in the beginning and he will be there at the end still, he is all there is, there is nothing but him.

We get aware of truth in listening to him and it is not just reading and thinking it, because we cannot possibly get into the deep ocean only in reading, we have to make that truth our own experience, we have to taste it, we have to feel it, we have to live it, it has to become our second nature, we have to be it and we cannot do it alone, we have to do it together.

  

By your efficiency and enthusiasm earn the right to play higher and higher roles - that is the meaning and purpose of life.

Listen, think it over and absorb. Listen is more than just reading, it is only happening if we are getting awakened in our awareness, it begins to work in the inner vision and it results more insights and by that we begin to see the truth in our own being, the truth we find in him, it is the same truth in us and that is how it gets absorbed and how we begin to taste it and to feel it and to understand it out of our own self. But it is always in the light of his truth, we always need to resort to the scriptures to know the difference between good and bad and that is also why he said that the effort is going on.

We always again have to accept the path of truth that we are able to accept the path of right action and we find peace and that experience of 'pure love', what is nothing else but his divine presence in the now and we don't get to mind conclusions thinking that is true what means sorrow begins again because we are deluded.