The band of brothers, but strength is gone

Devotion to the Divine will give you Bliss, Prosperity and Peace. It cannot inflict pain, perturbation or personal anxiety. It fosters love and brings all together as one band of brothers.

Baba

I was meditating with the TM people, but was not one of them. But it felt good not being alone. But that was finished after I came back from Baba.

In my meditation today I wondered what has changed. They had a technique and I followed the feeling of 'going on an on' which expanded in the self, related to the self, I had years before experienced in the observer, it is an unlimited level.

Once I meditated and outside the birds were singing the mantra, I repeated somewhere in myself.

That was the kind of unity and I couldn't share or find that in the TM. It went beyond and they couldn't go beyond, they had to stay with the technique. But it felt good to know someone was there.

The self as the universe, alone and silent. 

And to think that we are all the same? That means we are God. Being the same in that one higher self.

I thought it was maybe a good idea to remember the sutra 'the strength of an elephant'. I could use more strength, then every time when I open my eyes it is gone again and I have to do an effort and often I get just too tired.

It has to do with the fact that everything was left to me. I had to take care of the child alone. Even if she is born in Baba's place and he said, before she was born, 'he is fine' and there was a picture of Baba, and he answered, 'not Baba, the little one'. First I thought it would be a boy, until I realized it was too easy, because dreams are not direct but indirect. 

And he put me with a guy who only wanted to take, 'give, give, give - will not give' were Baba's words in his dream. He only wanted to take on all levels and with the inner child course I lost the last strength. There is no joy, everything I do is with inner resistance, with the feeling of tiredness. I don't feel it is normal. I never felt I had any help.

It feels like a too heavy load he has burdened on me and the fact that the father was not there, not only not there, but only demanding, only taking. That is still in the air, even if I am glad that he is not here, even if it finished, the situation is not and there is no joy in it. When ever I open my eyes after meditation, I get tired getting aware of it.

Even if I open my eyes and it feels okay, as soon as I look around the joy is gone. I get tired when looking around. She was in a holiday and put her empty suitcase in my room and there it is still, she didn't put it away and I have to remember her again and again to do it. And I have not strength left. It takes too much energy.

He has given me that task, but nobody to help, no support.

Those people in the center are only demanding, they are not aware of how difficult it was for me to begin here new.

They always demand like on New Year's Eve, the husband dies of one lady, I know a little only and should go and pass time with her to go into New Year on such a heavy level. I have no the strength for it, I am still upset that she asked me that.  

And that is what made me upset and not go to the center for a long time.

Instead of feeling better, I came back and felt tired. If he gave me such a task, he also should give me the strength for it.

And I have not the strength, it feels like I can take as much rest as I want, I never get back the joy, it is too heavy.

When I went to Baba the 'strenght of an elephant' was in the air, that seems far away, and then I met my ex and Baba's face looked like a vampire - that took care of energy gone.

I have only met people who took energy away. And in the center I meet always that type of people again, they only want energy, but they don't give.

So I go inside and find that state again, just 'going on and on' and remembering the sutra, 'the strength of an elephant' and when I open my eyes, I get tired again just looking around.

I am not the person who fights all the time, and I don't like to fight, I get exhausted.

If he gives me such a task, I need also the strength to get along with it. But there is nobody close to seeing it. Whatever he did, they are not seeing it, because I don't tell and even if I do, there is no solution to it. It is done. 

Whatever the lila, it is for my own self-realization, maybe after all I will find the strength again, maybe... out of myself, as it seems the only place where it can be, but I am alone in that situation and that doesn't change. 

Even if he relates me with the most powerful person inside, it doesn't change outside. It seems not very powerful finally that lila, on the inside yes, not on an outside level.

And everybody is talking, there are too many people who don't know and go into power fights like those who write that stupid stuff about controversy, destroying themselves. 

It was actually nice to make them meditate before and silence the mind. And it was good that the Maharishi was not there, so nobody could get into that sexual abuse stuff with him. They also would have, for sure, if he would have been there, they wold have done the same, that is the West, disgusting, they did it with Osho too and with Baba, projecting their own mind stuff on him.

I will never get used to that level being the target of people who only want to take and abuse, how to see in them brothers?