Strong Faith

People get carried away by the body and forget the Divinity within. Have strong faith in God. Do not have faith in this body, which is temporary. Body is like a water bubble, mind is like a mad monkey. Don't follow the body, don't follow the mind. Follow your conscience. That is the principle of the Divine Self (Atma). You will experience Divinity only when you follow your conscience. Love everybody, but do not trust anybody. You have to repose your trust only in God. What is the reason? Why should you not trust others? It is because Man is impermanent. God expects only love. You can cultivate love easily. Love is within you, develop it. You have to share this love with everybody. Love even the one who hates you. To harm a person who harmed you is nothing great. Real greatness lies in loving even the person who harmed you.

Baba

I had to think it over more than twice to be able to get it that thought for the day. I get it when I see myself at the beginning, years ago when I began to wait and watch.

I was waiting for the higher self, and it was probably Yogananda's book that convinced me about it that it is possible.

I didn't tell anybody to get distracted, because it had to be inside in myself and I was used of a kind of answers from the side of the family, that it was better to not talk about it.

If it felt difficult or frustrating or like not knowing what I was doing, I remembered divinity within. I had enough read about it to be convinced that it was there, and if it was there, there had to be a way to get the experience of it.

But I didn't know that it was faith in God, it was just faith. It had to be self-controlled. I noticed whatever it was, but it was not the self, it was always outside of it and somehow done by the circumstances, the situation or the environment.

Therefore, I decided to not take a decision out of the mind and that I would wait until it would be beyond doubt sure that it is the self and therefore, self-controlled. That was faith in God, that is how I would call it today. At that time I called it faith in the higher self or searching for truth.

To think that God was inside present felt good, because there was no real value outside, and God felt real.

I didn't know yet how to discriminate between mind and body; I just waited for the self to be there.

And once I met someone I liked very much and I thought I could share it with him. I really lived that it was possible to share and that he would understand it.

And we met and I tried to talk to him and I guess we talked, but not for long, it was on a different level and instead of what I had in mind, it was an affair finally and I didn't know how it had happened, just because I believed I could share?  

I realized that my inner believe to be able to share made me an easy target and what we shared was everything else but not what I had in mind.

Finally I told him I was looking for truth and he asked me what that was.

It was not possible to explain, I tried and it sounded like, I would like to find what I really wanted or what is right for me.

The waiting went on and I got aware that it was not possible to share, not on the same level and the trust lead to something else than I thought it should be, because whatever it was, I still had to go on and it became an obstacle and troublesome instead of being of help.

And there were all kinds of mixed feelings involved and already no answers and I had no idea how long it would go on like that.

I was decided to not take a decision until it would be self-controlled. I didn't tell anybody, but it was in the air as respect and for me it meant it had to do with self-respect.   

The son of the general manager began and I didn't know him, it was a big place and I was not in the same department, but one day he was talking with a good friend of mine and she looked so light, she felt to me like an angel and he was that dark, on two levels he was dark and something felt wrong.

He was aware that I looked at them and when he turned around in the air was horror. It was reflected in my eyes and he turned around and left.

That is how I got aware that I was not anymore watching my thoughts only or my feelings, but it was about moods in the air, but that was kind of difficult to take.

We were all at the same work place, one night it was present as a wall of fear, felt strange, I was scared to lose my mind and for a moment it was gone and it came back even worse, paralyzing to the extent that I couldn't move and there was a picture of suicide.

Next morning at work we got the news that he went under the train.

This was present in the inner view, but I would have wished to make a different experience because that first touch with reality didn't really feel good.

Afterwards I knew I had to do something to get rid of negativity and I tried to have a more positive influence, there should not be fear.

But it was alarming, because my best friend came not back from a holiday and we got the sad news that she had died, she was French and went to the south of France.

I had to change something and I applied for a job offer and that would have been in the field of that guy again I had an affair before, it felt like going back to where it began.

After some time waiting which seemed very long, finally someone else got the job and I had a vision in the dream, there was the higher self, a beautiful white light and it was all I love and all I wanted and next day I quit that job.

I worked in a bank and one morning at the way to work there it was the higher self, between a couple talking together and it looked like a white light.

I was amazed by it and there was longing for it, but there was nowhere it could be seen.

At that time the Hare Krishnas passed by at the bank and I got the Bhagavad-Gita and more questions. I should get used to it, because in the beginning there were only questions, but no answers. I went for a visit to the Hare Krishna movement and finally decided to make the experience or at least to try to make the experience. It felt like cult, but it seemed still far away from the answers I hoped to get.

That is how the family was present again, because they tried to get me out of it and I thought that they cared, not aware that I had been let down by them already a long time ago and that I was in that situation because of that.

They thought it was a sect and therefore, they tried to get me out of it. What I took for sympathy and love was only present because they were displeased.

I was still looking for that self, it had been there before in writing a diary.

Only after my mother died in the dream my car was put in the escalator and it went downwards, not to be found anymore. The car has in the inner view to do with self-power, it was gone and that is probably why I never felt home again.

She always answered, what do you have there is nothing, but there had never been nothing.

And once it was present as a precipice and that means pride and when she died afterwards in the inner view it was present as avalanche and that means attachment. As it seems all those insights made aware that finally it was due to her.

And Baba said in a dream that he is the insight and he is the next step and now I have to put it together, because the insight is new information I first have to understand and the next step is to get to a right conclusion.  

There was a difficult neighborhood, a love story with a guy who used it against us and she couldn't take it. As it seems it had to do with pride, all her life she was not able to see it the way it really was, but she always said, 'I should not' and that was the reason behind all those troubles.

She was for some reason not able to take it, she had too much effort invested in working hard to make things right to get such a result, because it showed her that it was not right. She went on like that, she was not able to take it and I had never again the feeling to be home at that place.

Baba asked one day in the interview a devotee I had to translate for, who I was, to whom I belonged and what our relationship was?

I had no idea why he asked that and that it had to do with my family and being cut off the family relationships, being let down by them.

I began to talk about it and there was a devotee who said, I belonged to him, he had asked Baba for a wife and I was that wife. I hoped it was right, but I had no idea what it was and I also didn't realize that I trusted in him. Years later Baba said that he took just advantage of it, but there is still the question, what that thing is.

That means I didn't know anymore to whom I belonged, because of the parent's house and the situation with the neighborhood.

Whenever I came back, I wanted to leave on the spot because I didn't feel right, it was no more home. The home was gone, that was uprooting and that I didn't realize.

On the way to his summer ashram in Kodai his car was stopped and he was standing at the side of the car, in that Darshan, sight of truth, he had an uprooted tree in his hand. I knew it was a mirror, but I didn't understand it. In his presence I felt okay, but I went to Singapore to get the visa, because I didn't like to get back to my place to not feel home as usual.

It was very difficult and I would have just liked to stay with him.

It was not the purpose of it to find in him just a replacement, it had to be realized.  

Only I didn't know how and when it began, I guess it began with about seventeen. It was after the relationship with the neighbor had ended and it went into a catastrophe.

My mother couldn't accept it, even if it was not a question that I wanted to marry him, she still saw it like that. For her it was putting something in question and she couldn't live with it, she was too attached and too proud of what she had done.

With Baba's help I got aware that about manipulation that he sat still years later in front of that parent's house, for me it was not acceptable, I couldn't live with it and everybody said, what do you have, there is nothing.  

We couldn't trust anyone, that is how I began to search for the self to find that unchangeable reality in which we can trust.

It is such a long time ago; I had forgotten how it was. I was still a teenager and we got used to the mother's way of seeing it, what was colored by attachment and pride. I didn't understand it and never felt home again, so it is my mother who is behind the uprooted tree.

In the meantime I know I have to face the reality of the mother and the family, because they all grew up in it and don't change, it has turned into abuse.

Since we came back here, we had only problems; to trust them seems even dangerous, it never ends well, no matter what.

But now I know why it is like that, but we should not expect them to change. And Baba said even after her death, if a mother falls, all children fall with her.

It means we have no family and because of that reason Baba had that uprooted tree in the hand and we tried to find new roots somewhere else, but that also didn't work out.

I always wanted just to stay with him in the ashram, that would have been my wish, because he seemed to be all what I had missed, father, mother, home, husband, best friend etc.

But I guess I had to get aware of it and I had to realize it and we had to learn to see the real reason behind, life is a lesson and it is the best teacher.

That is what I see in those words, but only after thinking it over twice.