Don't drown in the River of it...

You need not drown in the river of life when you encounter the strong storms of trials. Learn to be an expert boatman and you can row across this tumultuous river to the safe shores of God. "He that endureth to the end shall be saved" (Matthew 10:22).
As you work and plan, remember that it is God who is working through you.
Your mind should be charged with joy and detached from all unpleasant experiences.
Be active, but not constantly active; relax completely when not active. Strengthen your will power so that you will not be controlled by circumstances, but will control them.
Develop your will power by striving to do things that you thought you could not do. Work for others. Thus will you develop endurance and strength.
Paramahansa Yogananda

I read the newsletter of Yogananda Paramahansa and you know what, they are real nuns, full dedication and women do really matter.

As you work and plan, remember that it is God who is working through you. Your mind should be charged with joy and detached from all unpleasant experiences.

That was always my aim inside telling myself there must by a reason for all those difficulties.

And I got a letter of my ex and this time it was not upsetting, he explains why coins and he even said that you think the same way and that somehow made feel better.

It makes me reflect on the real values of life.

I actually would have liked to be with someone I matter too, at least as much as meditation, Gurus, least effort, travelling, freedom and what else? Someone, I don’t only matter one time in twenty years getting a nice letter and the rest of the time he blames me for the shit in his life.
We have been that many years alone taking care of up and downs and the child all by ourselves, and it can get real heavy during the years when they are teenagers.
I had to take care, I had to know the answers, he was not there. All those up and downs, how often I would have just liked someone just being present in the background to help to carry that burden. Being there and listening, taking time and just being present with patience to be a good mother and to replace a not present father, he can write as many nice letters he wants, we were let down by him and he said he went the path of least effort and now when she is grown up he doesn’t need to take care anymore and that ‘I’ matter to him, I anyhow never would believe again.
The only one who matters to him that is he… to himself. He has been living quite well without responsibility and free all those years without us. I am glad if I don’t have to get enervated when he writes letters, but I would like someone I matter a little bit in just being present and who is not using me as garbage bag whenever he gets in the mood of throwing in all what comes to his mind.
In the background I still feel tired and exhausted, old and dusty, because that guy has put all his problems on me and he never cared about anything, but his newspaper. I don’t think it will be possible to feel fresh and okay anytime again, for sure not because of him.
He let us down with the burden of life, not only the child but also his stuff he made me responsible for, there was a time everything was my fault.
In that relationship I feel old, tired and used, I don’t think there would be enough energy to feel better for some hours or so, the reality comes back instantaneously, and I am just glad if it is not anymore as upsetting as before.  
I had been in Paris for three years living with someone and it was more or less TM which made us go different ways.
But today I recognize the value of that relationship. It felt free, he never criticized, never found faults, and I remember once I didn’t feel well, we went all night in the movies.
With him I could be myself, somehow free and happy.
He was there and took care that it was okay and that is more than I could tell of anyone other I know.
My father he took care of my mother, though.
Actually, the letter of my ex is again bullshitting us, telling that he knows and that he wants her to have something, when the world economy breaks together and he tells even, believe me, I know.
Baba said once in a dream that he needs a Psyche.
He again takes a hypothetical truth for real, talks like speculation would be law and he knows and for him it happened already, even thought it will be in 2015.
It is just awful to read the thoughts of a psychopath always new again and his daughter wonders if he really believes it.
He writes letters that the CIA agents are not reading it.
When he begins to back himself with his so called friend, his former boss, he talks like it would be a fact..., because - you know.
And it reality it is nothing but bullshit. It really feels like he thinks he can save us with three thousand USD, when the world economy breaks down.
Why you don't tell him that for such a project we need a bit more ..., as he is going on as he did years ago in the ashram using you to back up his madness?
Maybe his is listening to you?
Actually, it feels like his daughter went into shock realizing how mad her father really is. She said always again, but does he really believe that?