Cheerfulness and Reality

Cheerfulness consists principally in the attitude of the mind, and is conditioned only incidentally by outside factors. Your happiness need not die, stricken by poverty, sickness, or sorrow.
Realize that enough hidden strength lies within you to overcome all obstacles and temptations. Bring forth that indomitable power and energy by being cheerful at all times in spite of your circumstances.
Only when you lose your mental balance are you vulnerable to suffering. If you are burned by the fire of difficulties, apply the salve of cheerfulness until your inner balance and peace are restored.
Paramahansa Yogananda

In going inside for truth, arguing was out of question and I noticed that insights are true, when arguing outside would result in Tamas and that will never be true. That was already the case with TM.

We didn’t know what was wrong. There was no way to know, because they don’t know themselves, but Sai Baba took care of the insight that it can be understood. I wondered why it was not possible to see and to know what it was. It forced them to meditate to solve problems.

 

But it didn’t get clear by just watching, it also had to be put in question, it is a process, but not arguing, just silently processing, questioning it inside and writing it down until it got clear.

I didn’t argue with my ex. When he began to find faults, I told him it was Baba who did it and he will take care. We left when he had a Baba dream telling him that I had to go and make peace with him, a reason my ex could find fault with it. He was blaming me for all his problems he ever had in his life. And I was glad to get out of it.

In the ashram Baba’s dream said that he was stupid and destroying himself and that he would destroy the daughter too if she would go back to him. We are on a path of self-realization and not self-destruction, that is the opposite and out of question.

We told him, never got a real response. In the mean time it is just in the air. When I read what he writes I usually get upset, because it is empty, an empty Western shoe, nothing in it, no intelligence, no meaning, no reflection, no love, not even for his daughter, just stupid ideas. He is never reflecting on Baba’s wisdom. Atman is reacting, reflecting and it resounds. There is nothing, no reaction, it is just empty. He wrote that you want to sell the house and go to Africa and his reaction that he will leave in about three year’s time too.

The rest we can guess…, the real reason, if there is one. The sister sold the house; maybe he doesn’t like it as much as he tells.

Nothing concrete, it is just upsetting.

He didn’t consider Baba’s Lila.

It took him seven years to sign the divorce papers, he never again reflected on Baba’s Lila.

For him it was arranged by Baba that he went to his sister. It arranged him that we left; I had to take care of the child alone, never a second thought that it could be not okay and never a reflection about duty, no notion of duty at all.

In his mind Sai Baba arranged it for him that he didn’t have a duty, he never questioned dharma and if it was real, Baba was arranging it for him that he could take advantage of it. Not even holiness in person made him aware of something holy, nothing, just emptiness. Probably that is the self-destruction, I don’t know. We went there because of a Baba dream, for me that was a constant issue, he never reflected on it, no second thought. He never tried to understand or find reality in it or to see and get aware of the lesson. He blamed me for it because I had to go and make peace with Baba… That was it and that’s it. It would not only have been foolish to go back to him, it would have ended in self-destruction.

When I read what he writes, I get upset because of that sick background.

It was not arguing and also not about divorce, it was anyhow clear and nothing to argue about it. Baba made it more than clear, but it took him seven years to sign, he never spoke a word about it.
It was his Baba dream that I had to go and make peace with him, a reflection of the relationship, because I didn’t argue, I just said, if that was made by Baba, he will know. In my dream Baba had a long nose and he was a vampire, sucking blood. That was the reflection of my ex taking advantage of it.
We would be nuts if we wanted to see him again.
I got only aware of it how bad it was last year, when he showed inside that we lived in a mud hole with no way out.

Before I was not aware of how bad it was and that there was real danger, after when it began to rain the mud came in that fast, it destroyed the child. When I noticed that we had to get out of it, she was already gone and lost in the mud and it was too late and therefore, my life was destroyed too. My ex was real dangerous and naive too, the way he thinks and reflects.  

 

If you are burned by the fire of difficulties, apply the salve of cheerfulness until your inner balance and peace are restored.

Difficulties we had already with TM and we had to apply the salve of cheerfulness and it took time – until the inner balance and peace was restored.

And the parent’s house, the inner reflection showed it was naive and dangerous. That was probably somehow also reflected in my ex.
Dangerous and naive, but in the parent’s house I felt offended it disturbed my life and after they didn’t take responsibility and were letting us down, we were blamed for it.
The reflection of it is still there in the family background. If it was only about me it was easier, if it is about a family and more people involved, it gets more difficult and not that easy to be cheerful. But I guess we did our best to stay cheerful in spite of it.
And patience was needed to be able to wait until the inner balance of peace is restored.
Actually I make it look much too nice, because after more than twenty years taking care alone, not being able to work fulltime, because of being let down by my ex and the family, the opportunities are gone and I have to live with it, and that is another side of the story.
I have to start new. The result looks like a catastrophe, even by doing the best I could and with Baba in the background, it was just not possible to make it different and better and that is not only frustrating, now it is depressing.
Yoga seems more or less a must to stay cheerful.
That Baba group will for sure not be enough to feel better, they are just a mirror, they didn't change it at all and that is depressing.
Baba got me into it and made me aware of it. He didn't take me out of it, even if he saved our lives and it would have been much worse. Going to him meant going fully into it, what I had tried to change since I left the parent's house.
Maybe I have wrong ideas about Karma, but I wanted to get out of it and get distance between me and all that. With my ex and trust into Baba I got not out of it, but fully into it. But I went for that relationship because Baba was there, it feels like the bad Karma took over. And out of another angle it happened all to get aware of it and in that sense it was not possible to be differently than it had been.
I knew that it was naive and dangerous, I had experienced it, but it seemed not enough, there is a difference if we have realized and understood it.
Therefore, I had to go through it again and that came up with the family background only in the past few years. It was that heavy and depressing, I have to go into distance to get out of it again.
What was the use of all those efforts to make it better and to get away from it?