Kodaikanal and beautiful Moments

Baba at Kodaikanal

The Atma (Soul) is inherently devoid of attachment. It has no awareness of its own needs or nature of its possessions. It has no 'I' or 'mine' for these are the marks of ajnana (Illusion). Only those afflicted with ajnana will suffer from the ego or the sense of 'mine'. Though it may appear to ordinary eyes that ‘I am the doer’, the truth is ‘I am a non-doer’!

Not only this, the effect of action (karma) does not cease as soon as it is finished. Karma yields fruits; the results of Karma breed desire for them; and that in turn results in impulses for further Karma. These impulses bring about further births. Thus Karma can lead to the cycle of births and deaths; it is a vicious whirlpool, making you revolve round and round, and finally dragging you down into the depths. So do not put your faith on this world and the objects of the world. Cultivate and practice detachment!

Baba

My colleague had surgery today and when I brought her some food, I found her in tears and the sadness that Baba has left the body came up.

She is that much self-controlled, she didn't allow the pain to come up. The surgery brought it up. 
I dreamt also of Baba tonight, I saw him very clearly and when I close the eyes I see him walk around and that wonderful love which was in the air always.

She made me remember last year being with him. We were waiting for him to come back on Easter and they brought him back in a coffin.

She made it come up again, that moment. I was standing at the window and saw the ambulance bringing him back like that in a coffin. There are no words to tell how sad it felt.

Her sadness got it up in me too. 

I have never experienced anything more sad and that went on for days.

There must be others who have not yet realized what it means that he is not there anymore. When I came back in the center nobody wanted to hear it, it was probably too sad, I didn't speak about it much.

Since I am here I see him often walk around in my mind and give darshan, I remember how he was there in the heart and how I went to him first in 86. 
The TM national leader saw only conflict, not the beauty of it. Coming back my life was gone, like it never had existed. I couldn't share the joy with anybody, because at that time hardly anybody knew him. 
But it was such a beautiful time being in his presence. 
It was in Kodai that I met my ex and spoke about the interview and he took advantage of it that I didn't know and I had to find out. He said he knew and there began the problems, it was no more the same feeling, something was wrong, looking back I see that it was in the air. 
I thought I had to find out and went along with it, and it was like a bad dream.
There were some nice moments. 
But he never could take responsibility for what he had done, as he didn't know what he was doing.  
It was not possible to look at it in peace, it was impossible.
He said he knew that I was the one Baba send to him, because Baba he had asked the devotee I translated for in the interview room to whom I belong. 
It has never been the same again afterwards, it was overshadowed by that lie, because it was just not real, it was only a dream and on that base it was not possible to find peace. 
His intentions were no good. It was not true. There was a background story I didn't know, he was out of job in no good shape and he was sure he would not be able to find a wife in the US, he was divorced. But that he didn't tell me in the beinning, I found out later. 
I talked about an interview and that guy took advantage of it, because he realized by that question I didn't know. It came not even in my mind that someone could take advantage of a Baba lila. 
I had to find out why Baba had asked those question, by that he knew I didn't know at that time and he took advantage of it.
As it was mixed with a Baba interview for me it went on in direction of finding the right answer, and he was turning it into ridicule and abuse. It was not possible to get an answer on that level. 
It was Baba who had asked those questions, it was holy and sacred and he abused it, that is why Baba said to his daughter, that her father was stupid and doesn't know what he is doing. 
These questions are related to divinity only, when Baba left the body we went down a well and up again on the way he left the body, it fell in dust and when we reached the top of the well there was Krishna and his brother. 
But at that time ahead it felt like I just had to find out, it seemed that far away and I thought that my ex would help me to find the answers, but as he doesn't know what he is doing, I could not get the right answer with him together and it got only worse as time went by. 
We didn't even have the base of a normal relationship, first it was a dream and after it got disturbed. 

And my ex spoke only of his 'friend' former boss, I had only seen ones
and about the good job he would have again, he just wanted a wife and as he couldn't get it in New York he took advantage of the situation in the ashram. I had no idea who he really was and how in that environment should we get to the idea that all was only a dream? He lived in a dream. 
Before Baba left the body, he said that he was only taking advantage of it. I never understood how that had happened in Baba's presence.
But more I know about it, more I can live in peace with it. What helps to understand it that is Baba who said inside that he took only advantage of it, since it got much clearer.  
And last spring Baba was in my heart making steps and next day there was an open door and he was standing at the door as he always did when we went into the interview room, but behind the door it was dark. Once he said that it was twenty to five, it got late. And the day after I sat in darshan and all in front, but he was not there.

It makes the sadness come up again.

That incredible reality that he has left the body and that we cannot go and see him anymore as we did before.

We are both missing Sai Baba and remembering him in this spiritual environment.