Desire
and bondage to the objects desired and the plans to secure them are attributes
of the individualized selves, not of the Self or Atma resident in the body. The sense of me and mine and the
emotions of lust and anger originate in the body-mind complex. Only when this
complex is conquered and outgrown can true virtue emanate and manifest. The
sense of ‘doer’ and ‘enjoyer’, of ‘agentship’, might appear to affect the Atma, but they are not part of the
genuine nature of the Atma.
Things get mirrored and produce images, but the mirror is not tarnished or even
affected thereby. It remains as clear as it was. So too, a virtuous person
might be subjected to some contaminating activities due to a backlog of acts in
previous lives, but they cannot obstruct the person’s present nature or
activities. The virtuous person has these genuine, basic attributes: purity,
serenity, joy and is ever cheerful.
Why are Baba’s words that
important to us and full of wisdom?
What is happening when
reading his thoughts?
It was already a great
insight when he was talking about the pratibimba, such a great insight that I
never forgot the expression, pratibimba. It felt like those syllables
pra-ti-bim-ba would contain everything what matters to be a right answer to us,
to fulfill all our desires and to tell us, it is just about ‘that’ and nothing
else and if you know ‘that’, you know everything and there is nothing else to
know.
A magic word –
pra-ti-bim-ba, but it is easier if we call it only ‘that’, but the short word
‘that’ is really reduced to one thing only, in the pra-ti-bim-ba can by anything
mirrored as image, it is the image and that would just be the process of it or
the essence and that is ‘pure love’. But we have three words and we have to
look at each word separate to get to the ‘insight’ of ‘I am that’.
We have to analyze it.
Like with that dress yesterday. It looked white and golden and it was blue and
black and a million people wondered about it and why it looked that different.
‘I am that’ is telling us
that we are something, but it doesn’t tell us what. It is the principle and we
have to ask first the right question, ‘who am I?’ – The answer is, ‘I am that’.
Or Baba said in the interview room about Soham, the mantra with the breath, so
– inhale, ham – exhale, the meaning is ‘I am that’ or ‘I am God’ or ‘I am
Shiva’. If we transcend the relative
objective world we get in a state of transcendental awareness or pure being.
What is a Samadhi? Sama means even and buddhi is the intellect, it means an
even intellect or with other words equanimity.
If we are in that state
of pure being, we just are, without thoughts, without feeling for time and
space and when thoughts are coming back, we are in the mind again.
Desire
and bondage to the objects desired and the plans to secure them are attributes
of the individualized selves, not of the Self or Atma resident in the body.
If there is a painful
situation and it cannot be removed for some reason and it goes on, but it maybe
helps to get aware that it is not real, it should at least not make it worse,
but if we see it as real, it goes on. But for the mind it is real, for whatever
reason, it is real and painful, we are in a certain situation and the question
is why we got into that situation.
Karma is the answer. It
might be Karma, but when it is painful that makes it not really always better
even if we think it is Karma and even if it is right, it just doesn’t go away
like that and it can get even worse if we think it is Karma, because it means
we have to suffer it.
So what is Baba telling
us in that sentence exactly?
He talks about the ego,
but he doesn’t call it ego, he calls it individualized selves to point out the
difference to the higher self which is the Atma, but the Atma is also resident
in the body. With these words he confirms that the higher self is the Atma. We
hear him talk a lot about Atma and from time to time about the higher self and
mostly we hear him talks about God, but we have to understand each and every
expression the right way to know exactly what Baba means when he talks about
the individual self or he talks about Atma. It helps if we want to get able to
understand his words.
Here he makes the exact
difference between individual self and Atma, higher self and if we don’t forget
it, when he is talking again about the Atma, we know by definition that Baba
means not the ego, not the body, but the higher self which is beyond the body.
How does it help us?
Desire
and bondage to the objects desired and the plans to secure them are attributes
of the individualized selves, not of the Self or Atma resident in the body.
First they are resident
in the body, but who is the resident and what is the individualized self, what
makes it different from the resident in the body? Desire and bondage to the
objects desired and the plans to secure them is our focus if we live just in the
mind a kind of what we think normal life is and if we don’t have a spiritual
purpose. The attributes of the individualized selves are different from the
Atma as well, but the Atma is resident in the body.
He is telling us by that
already in the first sentence that there is a conflict between our everyday day
interests and our life only in the mind and the spiritual life.
It tells us as well that
the Atma is not interested in all of that, so who is the Atma?
The higher self? Who is
the higher self?
We have to get the
experience of it. Baba calls it the resident of the body, the indweller, the
master of the heart, divinity.
The
sense of me and mine and the emotions of lust and anger originate in the
body-mind complex.
The plan to secure our
desire is part of the mind, attributes of the individual self. I was in that
ashram and Baba asked one night in a personal interview I had in the dream in
my meditation just before his birthday, he asked why I was that old and not
married. In my age in India most women were already grand-mothers and I was
just about forty years old and he said I should not worry, he would take care
and he said a name to put my focus on.
He took the worry away,
he put someone in my focus and he told me in that way that my life’s
organization didn’t work until now, but he will take good care of it and that
felt great and I guess I was in a state of worry and pain, my last boyfriend I
lost when I went to him, he was with TM and gone and as he said, it was very
difficult to understand. Knowing that it had to be understood, because Baba
said ‘very difficult to understand’ it meant it has to be understood somehow
and however long it takes, that was also painful. It was not really possible to
relax and probably also therefore, I was in the ashram as long as I could, just
to get an answer, but it seemed all in vain.
It was an awful feeling
resulting from that ‘everything gone’, whatever had been my life before. I had
my work, my duty, a boyfriend and my destiny with meditation and that had just
like evaporated, just like that, it broke into thin air and only pieces were
left.
I didn’t know how to live
with those pieces, they had turned into enemies what just told me that they had
been friends once before and what a nasty way getting aware of it and the master,
the hand who has made the puppets on a string was not there and all that ended
in a black hole in my meditation.
And that black hole means
a ‘replacement partner’, what was the national leader, thinking that he went
for right action and that he would be controlled by the master enough to make
it right action. The one who was behind the experience of ‘pure love’ was the yogi
and that broke in pieces, not a nice experience at all, it is actually nicer to
get the experience of ‘pure love’ or the higher self than to get aware of
everything breaking into pieces and nobody telling us why and how that was
possible.
So first it felt like all
we want and there was that experience of ‘pure love’ we knew it was right action
and therefore the right direction to go, but the master was not there and as he
was not there, it was the mind only and on the mind level we cannot get any
answers, it was just a dark hole and that is usually the sign of a replacement
partner, so the friend was the replacement partner, the real friend was the yogi
and that was mirrored by the criminal in the air, because I thought that the
friend was actually a friend and it was all wrong, it means no friend and not
master, just a black hole. Kind of difficult to describe that experience and an
awful thing to get aware of. Not something I did, it was about a not right
path, but the result was suffering, for sure no joy. The result was time waste
and no more boyfriend and no time left after all, we had been in that
relationship for four years, I had met him I was 31 and I went to Baba I was 35
and nothing was left of it, not the trace of it.
It was an awful
experience and somehow I was not aware of it in Baba’s presence how awful it
really was. I had wasted my time with something and that was just awkward. There
was nothing to do about it and every time I went back to my country, with all
that bliss and joy and happiness in the background, I felt totally awful,
trapped, no way out and empty, it was not a spiritual experience, it was
totally hell what I experienced after that TM thing turned into the opposite. A
hell nobody can really imagine if they didn’t have that experience, the hell of
time waste of being nowhere in that age of having to being all new again and no
more time left, looking back only at pieces left, I guess that was probably the
worst experience I ever have met.
In Baba’s presence I just
didn’t feel it that much.
It was very painful and
seemed impossible to understand it and to accept it as Karma was also not
right.
Why should it have been
my Karma? It was not about Karma, but about a not right path.
All that created pain and
it made come up the body-mind complex. I thought I went in the right direction,
because there had been ‘pure love’ and that pure love was there because we have
to accept truth and that has to do with the higher self, it is unaffected and
beyond the body, so it resulted in right action and that was meditation, to
purify the body and to go beyond it, to transcend it and to teach it to others,
that was all about right action, most of all the teaching part.
Things get mirrored in the
Atma and that was the problem, the mirror said that things were not quite right
and different from how it looked. It was the teaching of it which broke into
pieces and as long as it was not understood it remained a problem and it took
time to get clear.
The
sense of me and mine and the emotions of lust and anger originate in the
body-mind complex.
The study circle was not
as good as it was before. It felt like a kind of brain-storming and there was
no satisfaction in that. The good experience we shared before was not there, instead
the other who had criticized it before, she took over and ended it in telling
that it is seven o’clock and that we should stop it. There are always some
people making rules and they decided that it can last only an hour and that is
nowhere written. So her husband came in and we had a half an hour sitting until
Bhajans and other singers came, but there is nowhere written that it has to be
a half an hour before Bhajans.
So I let go of it and
thought, what do I care, we ended it, but I had the feeling I would have like
to leave on the spot, it was somehow spoiled and it is ridiculous that someone
comes and tells we have an agreement and we stop at seven, nobody has made such
an agreement and we have to go by it, because someone is telling it. So I just went
by it and next time I will end it myself at seven. If we have to stop at seven
because of that reason, even if it seems ridiculous, as it had been nowhere
limited by time really, they can stress on it and so the joy of it got lost.
The guy does it in purpose because he was the person who wanted me to carry
bottles and I told him that I am not participating, he interrupted the study
circle and he began to talk and tell people what to do and in my dream was Baba
and he said, it is passion, stay alone. The way they behave and make rules, it
is no possible to stay alone, so I didn’t go and since we are no more friends,
we had been before, but I had always an empty feeling when I came back from
those ‘meetings’. Once he said to me, ‘you don’t have to always be right’ and
that in front of everybody and from there on we had a problem, even if it was
never about being ‘right’. I always have been missing the feeling of pure love
and the job we had during that meditation teacher time, it has never been the
same again. It broke in pieces and it was still painful that I couldn’t find it
again.
So that love coming out
of nowhere in the ashram last time in Prasanthi is on that level and it had
been twice just love.
And for now we just ended
it at seven and that’s it. Every time, I have to do something with those two I
come back with a headache and even if the singing was great afterwards, the
headache was there when coming back and I had to do something completely different
to get back to myself again and to feel normal again to get out of that
spiritual experience which turned into the opposite.
I always go down with the
elevator, twice I fell down the steps coming from such a meeting. I felt that
irritated by it that I missed a step and after Bhajans I am often still not
really present anymore and half with my thought in the experience somewhere, I
always take the elevator.
But there was some good
as well, she said that we are not that body-mind complex and not all that pain
and irritation and all those desires coming out of the body-mind complex and I
told her that was right and if we identify ourselves with it, we are in it, if
we know we are not that, we are not in it. We are what we think we are.
The pain and the
emptiness resulting from the fact that it was not as easy and bitter and that
it needs thirty years to get to the experience of pure love, what we had before
in three years time only, that is painful or bitter.
When I arrived in the
ashram and I was sitting in Darshan listening to my first Baba speech it was
all in the beginning it was in the air that it would be bitter.
I had no idea in what I
went into.
If I look at the reality
of it and how difficult it was, I feel still exhausted. It is just the time
involved and how difficult it was to get some answers.
Before we had learnt it
by heart and I was often sitting in those Darshans constantly wondering what was
happening here in that sight of truth and how I could see it in my old experience
and I had no idea how to relate it or to find the connecting link to it. We had
practiced meditation as technique only and were totally unaware that on that
transcendental level things get mirrored into images and that I was dealing
with those images mirrored by that unchanging and always the same unlimited level
of Atman.
After all I came back
from an intensive Bhajan session and the feeling felt full, but the head was as
so often in a headache and that happens very often here when I get in touch or
too close touch with those people who want do control it somehow probably, but
of course not in the open and if we would tells something, they would be the
first ones backing of telling that it is not meant like that, but they are
always disturbing and never a good experience.
As great as the singing
was, nevertheless there was that headache and it felt like brain storming and I
am sure that is not what it should be in the study circle, everybody giving his
input and everything telling what he thinks about it, but no real conclusion
and insight.
In the end I said that
nothing is coming in my head and I passed my turn. I had enough and it was just
not possible, rules and regulations and the sharing of wisdom is not possible
on that level. It is always the same as it had been for the last twenty years
or so since we are here, coming back here ends with a headache.
So that disturbance on
the meditation level and when things broke in pieces were a catastrophe and
that was above my father’s head already when I went in direction of the
national leader and I thought it was the highest first, what was not the right
motivation, but we had learnt to go for the highest first and after a few years
and with all that time I didn’t have to waste, I had to begin all new again, it
was actually that painful, I was like not existent anymore, I went back and
from there I went back to Baba again. You go in direction of ‘pure love’ and
think it is the right thing to do, everybody tells so and what do we get, a bad experience and the whole thing
breaks into pieces. It was really the worst experience I have ever made.
It has been the reason
for pain for the past thirty years and that pain we could not relate to the
body-mind complex and that is why we had to get answers, so when I met my ex
and he said that I belonged to him and he knew that I was the wife Baba sent
him, I went for it, probably I didn’t care that he took only advantage of it, I
was glad because it looked like the way out of the dilemma of my story with TM
and that things get mirrored in images and that we have to get aware of it,
that would come later on, only it came earlier than I thought and it put my
life upside down again, because we didn’t listen and we had to get a divorce.
And he doesn’t listen still today, so it was not possible with him to get a
right answer and it would not be possible still today. We went ahead and hoped
for a miracle as Baba is full of miracles.
Only when this complex is conquered and
outgrown can true virtue emanate and manifest. The sense of ‘doer’ and
‘enjoyer’, of ‘agentship’, might appear to affect the Atma, but they are not
part of the genuine nature of the Atma. Things get mirrored and produce images,
but the mirror is not tarnished or even affected thereby. It remains as clear
as it was. So too, a virtuous person might be subjected to some contaminating
activities due to a backlog of acts in previous lives, but they cannot obstruct
the person’s present nature or activities. The virtuous person has these
genuine, basic attributes: purity, serenity, joy and is ever cheerful.
Only when the body-mind
complex is conquered and outgrown, the created relative level is just good for purification
Baba said not long ago, so that is why we meditate, to outgrow it. Purification
means everything is done for that purpose and that was also the same with a
meditation teacher. I wanted to initiate other into meditation because I knew
it was the right thing to do, right action and truth is that the relative world
is just for purification and if that mind is pure it can be on the level of the
heart and that is what Baba said the day before, it is radiating bliss only if
the pure mind is the same as the heart.
The sense of ‘doer’ and ‘enjoyer’, of
‘agentship’, might appear to affect the Atma, but they are not part of the
genuine nature of the Atma.
That understanding of it
and that the world or mind should be purified to get to world peace or to get
anywhere, that is self-motivation, self-confidence and not based on the mind,
it was based on pure love and that is the level of Atma.
What is the doer and
enjoyer and ‘agentship’?
It might appear to affect
the Atma, but as the atma never changes and is always the same and always non-conceptual
and beyond the body, it cannot affect the Atma. It is not part of the Atma. The
most extreme example we know is the Christ, he was not affected by the crucifying,
he said, ‘forgive them oh Lord, they don’t know what they are doing’, even if
his body was crucified, he didn’t curse them.
And he said it was all
God’s will and nobody understood how the father could do that to him and that
is how a new religion was born. His divine love was able to go beyond the pain
of the body and even if they killed him.
Things get mirrored and produce images, but the
mirror is not tarnished or even affected thereby. It remains as clear as it
was. So too, a virtuous person might be subjected to some contaminating
activities due to a backlog of acts in previous lives, but they cannot obstruct
the person’s present nature or activities. The virtuous person has these
genuine, basic attributes: purity, serenity, joy and is ever cheerful.
That is what happened,
things got mirrored and produced images and I came to Baba in the hope he would
tell me why there were those images and why they looked like that. And later it
was the same, things get mirrored and produce images and the result was that
Baba was in the dream with two faces, with vampire teeth and with a very long
nose, because I saw it as Baba Lila so he looked like that, it was the result
of the relationship and in my dream I was a homeless beggar woman on the streets
and that was not a good dream, but it took time to realize that it was not a
dream, but an insight and things get mirrored and that was the mirror of how I
felt in that relationship.
And when Baba said to me
in his dream afterwards, that I should go back to my lovely husband it was
about truth and right action. If he would have been a lovely husband, but in
that vampire face of Baba was nothing lovely and also not in the long nose,
fooling everybody about what he was, it was important that meditation and he
said that he meditated, when in reality he never did it and I am quite sure he
is still going on telling that he is meditating, because he knows now that it
matters. His sister told him that he should not only meditate and go to Baba
and not take care of his daughter, he should go and see her and he didn’t do
it. My daughter said he is listening to music, he goes home from work and is
lying down listening to music and that he calls meditation.
He is still the same, pretending
of doing it, but in reality he doesn’t do it. If he is listening to music, he
is listening to music and it is not meditation.
So too, a virtuous person might be subjected to
some contaminating activities due to a backlog of acts in previous lives, but
they cannot obstruct the person’s present nature or activities. The virtuous
person has these genuine, basic attributes: purity, serenity, joy and is ever
cheerful.
A virtuous person might
be subjected to come contaminating activities? What are contaminating
activities? Something we have to purify afterwards again. Baba calls it a backlog
of acts of previous lives and about that we don’t know anything.
We call it Karma, but
what he is really telling us is that the backlog cannot obstruct a person’s present
nature of activity.
The basic attributes are,
‘purity, serenity, joy and ever cheerful’.
Purity if we purify the
mind and serenity is holding on to it no matter what obstacles and
contaminating activities are coming up, joy is the result if we are aware what
is real and what not and cheerful, because we know that it is all just passing
by and things are mirrored in the mirror of Atma.
As things get mirrored
last night in my dream was the devil and I am not really happy about that image
because of that thing behind, the question is what is that thing what is
mirrored in that image? Yes, I had the devil in my dream, he was red, with
horns and behind me, and he came from behind.
Not such a nice insight,
isn’t it, but I am not enough seeing my whole life out of distance to realize
what it means now, but in some time it will be different and we will know why
it was the devil and what the devil means.
Follow the master, fight
the devil, fight to the end, and finish the game.
Not exactly the type of
thing we like to see in the mirror, because it reflects somehow things … and the
question is now what it is.
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