Fear of being Killed and the Observer

“By changing a very common misconception—the idea that your problems are to be found in the outer situations of life—you can remove your problems once and for all. Understand that the difficulties are to be found within your own mind. Once you become aware of this, you can begin the process of removing your inner weakness.”
Amma

The most important thing in the observer is to create the inner child by willpower. Being focused on the observer for such a long time, I forgot to create it myself.
We have to recognize that the observer is part of the subjective experience. The first question was therefore, what happened in the past what the inner child cannot accept.
Looking back at all those experiences, some I didn’t integrate.
It was not part of TM to observe, but I was in the observer and therefore, I couldn’t integrate the experience, there was no feedback on TM level.
And the second question is, if there was something that created unrealistic ideas about the future?
And that was definitely there, it was that dream when I went with Baba down the escalator and he transformed himself into a prince I married and we reached the bottom and there was a check with lots of money. That dream made me go on even if the present had become that unpleasant I didn’t know how to survive in the present.
That was definitely a trance created by that dream.
Because it was Sai Baba in the dream, I went for that trance to find out a way with the child to get away from it. I had to go back in my country. I was in India, she was too small, married with an American and my parents lived in Spain. I could not just go back and begin new, she was too small.

My ex had beaten me up with a pot on the head so that I was actually happy to still be alive, I was sitting at the floor, couldn’t get up and he hit again and again, I thought he would kill me.
That felt that bad, afterwards I was living in a Baba dream to survive with the child. I was waiting to end the relationship and to go back in my country, without leaving the poor child behind. So I waited until Baba made a situation in which we could leave. He told my ex in his dream that I had to go to Baba to make peace with him.
During the time in the ashram he was holding a speech every day and it got clear that we couldn’t go back without destroying ourselves. When he hit with the pot and nearly killed me she was still a baby and we left when she was six years old.
I couldn't be myself afterwards in that relationship, constantly being careful that he would not get mad like that again. It always ended with, Baba will find a way... to not get into violence again and that were long years, and it ended in a nervous breakdown.
I thought even I got used to it, only the nervous breakdown proved differently. He never stopped to harass and to blame me for whatever he ever had experienced and done, I got used to it to tell Baba will find a way (to make peace).
It was an abusive relationship and in the end Baba said in my dream that he only took advantage of it, when he said that he knew I was the wife Sai Baba sent to him, because he wanted a wife.
Baba had asked to whom I belonged and I told him about the interview... , and he said I belonged to him and that is how it began and afterwards we hoped a dream would get true, but it didn't last long, the first problems and nothing worked anymore.
Therefore, I had problems that it was like that.
But seen out of the observer makes it even worse, because it means that I created it. Behind is my mother, she was in a relationship and when everything was bad, she complained for hours, but it always ended the same way, she got to the conclusion that he was hard working and that she had to save him and she went and helped him to do that hard work, which was always nothing but a strain. That was the reason she didn’t leave, he could have other women, later he got into alcohol abuse, she was his savior. 
That was the pattern, on one hand side abuse on the other helplessness, co-dependence, being trapped and not able to get out of the situation.
If we get aware of the observer, we have to get aware that he recreated it. There is the conditioning of the past. 
The observer is both sides, the abuser and the resistance and we recreate a pattern of the parent’s house. I had difficulties to accept that it happened in Baba’s presence. But only because I was not aware that it is the observer who made it.
I am the creator of that experience.
Baba called it a foolish thing I did.
That is the way to get aware of the observer, working with the inner child.
The same with TM, what happened in the past, I watched and because I was in the observer I see it differently – the observer is part of the experience, but I didn’t understand it.
Why I am against the experience? There is no answer, because TM is not on that level, but that is not the mistake of the TM people, it is the path which is wrong.
Only by the realization that I have created it myself to get that experience, I can integrate it.
If I try to recreate it in the observer to get the experience, I have again difficulties to accept because it seems too heavy. The lesson seems too difficult.
To get aware of the observer and to work with the observer means to get aware that the observer creates the experience, it is not a question if it is too heavy of not, it is as it is.
A way to deal with it is to ask, why there was on one side the fear of being killed and on the others side helplessness, the offender and victim. In the picture of my father being a Nazi and the family in the concentration camp is definitely the same level, that picture came from mother, not from him. It seems rather extreme.
To be focused on the observer, that means also self-confidence, but to work with it and to get aware of how it really works and manifests problems, that is not the same, that goes a step further.