Deep Rooted Impressions

People are so deeply involved in their lives that sometimes the span of 24 hours appears too short for a day. Drinking, eating, reading, walking, sitting, hating, dreaming, boasting, praising, weeping, laughing, craving, hoping — these fill up your day. All these activities are intimately attached to the mind. Thus your life is a collection of inborn desires (samskaras), which impacts your character. The events and activities that transpired in your life, both good and bad, that you may have forgotten through other subsequent events – did leave a residual trace of their consequences in your mind. When you try to recall the day’s events at bed-time, you remember a few – not everything. When such is the case with the happenings of a single day, what shall be said of the events in life of several months or years? When your end nears, you will remember only very few deep-rooted impressions. Hence, disciplined striving throughout the life is essential for a joyful consummation.
Baba (thought for the day) 

Let's look at it and try to get the insight. 
It means we are that busy, we have not enough time in 24 hours and everything is attached to the mind only, so how do we go beyond the mind and get aware of the inborn desires in the mind that impact our character?

People are so deeply involved in their lives that sometimes the span of 24 hours appears too short for a day. Drinking, eating, reading, walking, sitting, hating, dreaming, boasting, praising, weeping, laughing, craving, hoping — these fill up your day. All these activities are intimately attached to the mind. Thus your life is a collection of inborn desires (samskaras), which impacts your character.

And with Baba’s Lila we also got aware of the catastrophe and it had been present in the father before, above my father's head in the air and I don't remember much of him, but that I remember for sure and at that time I had no influence on it. 

I thought I should have told him, but there was no way to tell. And I tried my best, I wrote him a letter and told him, but it didn't change. 

Even if it feels like throwing up and we get sick of it, it is attached to the mind as they call it Karma. So it didn’t change a thing with that job. 

It seems just an opportunity of getting aware of it. My ex is the reflection of the same calamity, the vampire taking advantage of it and sucking the energy of others as tendency of the mind, not so nice actually and he never did the meditation he said he did and that made the long nose come into being as he was telling us a fairytale which made sense in Baba's presence but nothing was true of it, he just wanted to look good to be able to take advantage of it. 

As it turned out nothing was true.

'You and I are we', first step. 'We and He is I', second step.

I and He - doesn’t work. 

I cannot just love as much as possible and it is done, because the I is identified with the body and therefore, it is a direct relationship and with God our relationship is always indirect and never direct. So it didn’t work with him and there have to be two that it is right and the right level and not only the body level what we think the I is. 

So we cannot just sit down and meditate and it is done, we can also not just love him and it is done, first ‘you and I are we’, first step. 

 When Baba asked, where is your husband, it was not about a direct relationship, but an indirect to the inner spiritual husband and that is a reflection.

When he said, ‘no more husband, nothing left but an empty Western shoe’, it is no direct relationship and it was disturbed, Baba as vampire and second face with a very long nose and it ended in ruin and there was the nervous breakdown, a was all the picture of a catastrophe.

It takes time to get aware of the catastrophe and as it seemed as well present in the father, it probably had to do with the mind. 

He thought it was bad and the image of a fight with Baba and who was that stupid that he had to go and make peace with Baba on and on… 

And I thought, how can that be, it is a Baba call what we usually as the highest and light and great, what everybody talks about it as a very special gift of Baba that he was there calling through him and he saw only faults. That was the mind and a mind conditioning, but it was also a shock to wake up to it.

Drinking, eating, reading, walking, sitting, hating, dreaming, boasting, praising, weeping, laughing, craving, hoping — these fill up your day. All these activities are intimately attached to the mind. Thus your life is a collection of inborn desires (samskaras), which impacts your character.

Getting aware of that mind state was a shock, it was only bad. Not one moment it came to his mind that Baba is only love and that love is never not good. I was that happy to get the good news that we should go to Baba and he looked at it only the bad way and for him it was not about happiness and I tried to hide the joy I felt, and it was awful and awkward to get aware of it and he didn't recognize how stupid it was as well, as Baba is only love and it could not be bad. So I listened to it, that was a Baba Lila and I tried to get the meaning and I didn’t say a word to change it that scared I was of such a sick state of mind. It was that perverted and strange. I was scared to influence it because it felt awkward dangerous and not trustworthy. 

I also tried to feel Baba in it as I knew Baba from the Darshan, the beauty, the love, the caring and I didn’t hear Baba in his words, only arguing, finding faults, blaming others and insult, it was an insult in his mind that I had to go to Baba and make peace with a divine entity like Baba and not a spiritual aim.  

I listened to it and I didn’t tell him, but it is Baba …, don't you recognize what you are doing with the highest blaming it and lowering it on a common sense level and he had another Baba dream and Baba said in that dream to him that I should go back to my lovely husband and it felt again like a shock to think that he really thought he was that when he spoke in such a sick way of the way that Baba had said that I should go to him and make peace with him, in fact, he found only faults with is and I felt sick to be exposed to that.

It was a wake up, because it had nothing of a lovely husband but a lot of a perverted and sick mind state and it was shocking to get aware of it and to think that Baba could send me actually back to that guy who had not felt like husband ever and I wondered how I got into that relationship. 

I had mentioned a Baba interview, the questions he had asked and he said, ‘you belong to me’ and he made it everything look like it so that i went for it, as he took only advantage of it, he made himself look like a meditator, he made himself look like he had a job and he made himself look like a good devotee and nothing was true. 

It is kind of awful to get aware of it and that it happened in Baba's presence always thinking that he would take care of it. 

But was I glad to go to Baba. In had to take care of a six year old child, I went there in the purpose to listen and to not get again into that and to stay able taking care of the child, that was my duty as mother and the duty to the husband was not there, because he had never felt like husband and he certainly didn't feel like that now. 

I tried to remember the silence in the air with Baba and what we had experienced in his Darshan. When we sat in the airplane lifting us up in the air as it had been Baba telling that we had to go to him to make ‘peace’ with him, as he looked at it, it felt like he was the wings carrying us away back to him. 

First we went for a visit to my parents in Spain and after a short visit we were on the way to Baba. 

He was in Whitefield and I remember that I had often headache at the beginning and my daughter met a girl from Germany and we learnt with a book German, it was a book called ‘Hans and Heidi’ and she loved it and after she got that much practice, it was amazing how fast she was learning and afterwards in Prasanthi she met two girls from London, Gita and Pamela and with them she talked English again. 

During that time Baba was holding every day a speech and we were sitting outside of the big hall with the kids and they were playing and we could listen undisturbed to his words. That is when I noticed that Baba was talking about the ‘I am that’, it had been in the air in Darshan in summer 88, the year before I had met him and I thought he would help me to get answers when it was actually the opposite. 

That time with Baba was beautiful and after I came back from getting a new visa a half a year later coming back from Singapore I had that interview when Baba asked who I was and to whom I belonged and what our relationship was.

She was a fugitive from the second world, she could play beautifully the piano and she got a room, but somehow she was not happy and she painted it again and again different by villagers and it was filled up with stuff. 

I had met her son once and he also was playing as it seems the piano and he wanted to become a pianist and she couldn’t take the piano into the ashram. 

Somehow she was with Baba and she was happy that she had a room, but also she seemed not really okay and she took all her stuff with her when we followed Baba into the mountains and it seems she followed him usually with about seven taxis full of stuff. 

I don’t know what she did with that and I had no idea what happened in her mind, we were not close friends, we just happened to be from the same place and I had to translate for her into French. 

Our relationship was that of a translator, I translated for her English into French and that Baba asked to whom I belonged, I had no idea why he asked that. 

I was just translating and she didn't know enough English and I don’t remember one word of what he said to her other than that he spoke not with her about her but with her about me. And she thought she had to mother me afterwards and that was kind of nice. 

I met that guy afterwards and I talked about that interview and he said, I belonged to him and she also asked us if I wanted a son and she asked him if he wanted a daughter and she said that it was a good sign if I wanted a son and he a daughter.

So she was part of the relationship with him and I thought I will get rooted again. 

After we came back and we were married now it was in the air that the neighbor was ‘responsible’ and only then I began to wonder about it, why the neighbor, he had also been in my dream on the way to Singapore and he was there and said that he would come back and marry me and said, what … He was married a long time ago, why should he want to marry me and why he didn’t ask me first if I wanted to marry him actually? 

Only that seemed his way and after we came back from that trip, Baba asked the questions, to whom I belonged and who I was and what our relationship was?

There were no answers, and we began to question it and think it over and I began to talk about it as it seemed that strange to me and on the way to Kodai Baba left the car and I saw in his hand an uprooted tree, so that must have been me and it didn’t feel good at all. There seemed no other way hoping that one day I will know why there was an uprooted tree in Darshan, and it was during our trip to Kodai. 

Actually, I didn’t know what it was, if it had to do with the parents, with the neighbor, with friends or past relationships … it was just there as uprooted.

And he said that I belonged to him and I hoped that he would help to get answers, but it didn't look good, Baba said in his dream already when we met, 'I warn you on that level you will not get the right answer'. But that didn't prevent it, it happened anyhow, but now I know how it looked and it didn't look good actually.

 He said he meditated he spoke a lot about his ‘friend’ and both were meditators and there was no reason to not believe it, but he wanted to take advantage of it and it arranged him and therefore, he would have said about everything. 

He said he knew he would always do it and it was not true and it looked kind of ideal, only not one word was true. Baba's interview made me his target and we went to see my parents, I had always troubles with my parents and he felt like a means to feel stronger and staying myself and as Baba devotee I thought it was positive and ideal, but it was not and that parents were not excited about him and my mother said to me that one day I will have to work for that guy. 

He made it look like his work was at the library and Baba and his 'friend' behind it created a nearly perfect illusion I really believed him when he read only the newspaper at the library and it had nothing to do with word. He was welcome at his sister’s house, she always would have liked to have a big family and he thought that should be the same with my parent’s house. It was of no use telling him that my parents would never do that and that I had been thrown out of the house and I actually didn’t even knew why, as it was not possible to talk and I didn’t even remember really what I had said, in my mind it was nothing and my father had overreacted and was running behind me in a kind of horror scenario, after I packed and went to a friend of mine. 

 It felt not good, but the worst was that I didn’t know why. I had been in a relationship with a neighbor and that came up in Baba's presence and he was responsible. 

He was gone one day to the next, he said he wanted to marry a schoolteacher and it didn’t make sense, but it was no more possible to talk and also not with the parents and only much later it turned out it was manipulation. 

 It was kind of strange and when I tried to talk about it, because it seems it also put the father in question, he had not been always such a good person and he had enemies and when I tried to talk about it, my mother always said, ‘there is nothing, what do you have?’ Or they made fun of it that I talked about it and it was not finished and they made me look stupid, not able to get away from it and I didn’t know what it was, but I never felt home anymore and that had been uprooting and it was not possible to address it or to talk about it.

Baba said to us in an interview, follow the master, fight to the end, finish the game and he asked, why are you here and he gave the answer, he said, ‘self-realization’. 

I had that feeling of self-realization during the time when writing a dairy when I was in that relationship with the neighbor and I knew that it was what I wanted, but I didn’t know how to talk about it and afterwards it was gone and there seemed no way to know why. 

It was just gone and I didn’t know how I could ever have had that feeling of self-realization. I began to look for it. 

It always somehow went back to the neighbor, because it had been in the air with him and it was not possible to talk about it. I had no idea what it was, but as he had been in my dream and he said he would come back and marry me, I got in touch with him before I went into that with the ex and I told him that he had been in my dream and I asked him why and why it looked like that and I didn’t get an answer.

So afterwards I went ahead, but it didn’t feel like there were answers and I wrote the neighbor and asked him about it and I got a letter back when he called it ‘disturbance’ and I had no intention what so ever to disturb his marriage, I just wanted to know what it was and why he was still in my dream and why he had said that he would come back and marry me.

I didn’t get any answer and after we came back here, whenever the neighbor was in my dream, I wrote him to leave me alone and why he was again in my dream and usually I addressed it like he did it in purpose, even if I knew that he didn’t come in my dream in purpose there had to be something for him to be there and he did nothing to change it, no explanation and not answers, until one night it was in the dream as ‘manipulation only’. Now I knew that it had been in purpose and in the meantime he also lived exactly opposite to my parent’s house. 

My parents had sold the business and lived in Spain, but the disturbance was still there and when I went back for a class meeting it felt not as it should have felt, there was something constantly wrong in the air and it had to do with that manipulation. 

It went on like that – I always hoped that it was finished, but he was again in the dream and finally one night he was in my dream and there was sex we never had before and that was the marriage he talked about … and I wrote him again to stop it. 

He was harassing all his life the place of my parent's house until that dream and manipulation only and as my family made me look like a fool because I always said something felt not okay, they didn’t want to be bothered about it and they ignored it and whatever it was, Baba said I had been let down by the family.

After I wrote him about that ‘sex dream’ – we never had such a relationship, even thought we met during one and a half years once a week, it was still different in that time and after the man in the dream who is there to awake us said that it was understood now that he was responsible. He was harassing in the neighborhood and even after the parents left it was still my former life space, but that has nothing to do with love and a few months later he actually died and sometimes later, it was kind a bit later when the man who is in our dream to awake us said, ‘whoever digs a pit to others fall himself into it’ and that was finally the end of it. And I was not sure about whom he was talking and he said his name to make sure there was no mistake about it. In the mean time it begins to make sense again and I also recognize the neighbors attitude in it. That had been already present during our relationship I was just too young and not aware of it. 

Later he was once more in the dream and there was my father after he had died, they were together running over a grave and grass had grown over it. That showed that the problem had been my father and it had been all my life ignored by the parents and they made it look like my issue only. Until her last breath my mother refused to see it as it really was. I had been thrown out of the house when trying to talk about it and that is why I never knew what I had said and until today it is not possible to address it with the family, they turn nuts when I tried to. 

I mentioned it by writing and got death threats of the younger brother, he tried with terrorizing to make me shed up and that is when I got into distance. 

The inner master said that he is not interested in my message and so I thought there is nothing more to tell, for whatever reason, but they don’t want to hear it. 

As mother couldn’t live with it, they cannot live with it. So they cannot live with whatever it was and that is why I felt never home again and that is probably also what uprooted. They are still not able to get the reality of it and my brother who is living in the US said that he had never heard anything worse. That was the Karma we had to face with the family and it was even much worse than it had been before as it turned into another abuse picture which was in many way even worse finally. That is how it turned into abuse, so it is easier to put the blame on someone else making themselves feel better than to face truth and that level I met again in my ex and it also turned into a catastrophe. 

It is had to get aware of that catastrophe.

When I saw the catastrophe in the air above my father’s head I had no idea why catastrophe, I wrote it to him in the hope something would change and get clearer, but it was all in vain. I really tried about everything to get on the bottom of it and it was just not possible. They avoided to look at it and worse it got, more they avoided it and it was the mother who avoided it and she thought that she was redeeming him in that way. 

In the mean time all behave strange, the whole family. 

The only one who didn’t react strange in an obvious and offending way was the sister, but also her attitude was strange after all only not as awkward as the brothers. 

It seems nobody is able to look at it as it had been because the mother and the father had avoid it all life. She made a taboo out of it and when I try to address it I touch the taboo and they are not ready to change what was established by the mother, to the family is non-functional and disturbed, there are a lot of bad feelings and the emotions running amok.

For me it was a fact that I didn't feel okay there anymore, but I had no idea why and it was a matter of truth to find the reason, but for them is was much worse as the family blamed me for it always. When I put the manipulation of the neighbor in the open and the attitude of the parents and most of all the mother, I had to face a family that was not able to face it and of course, they make me look like the 'bad guy' what they did all their life when in reality the father was behind it and not me, so it is not only the father and the parents, it is the whole family and that is why Baba said, that I had been let down by the family and that was also uprooting. So that is the catastrophe and that catastrophe is in the mean time also in the air above Baba, probably to make me aware of it, but it is not nice. It seems like everything turns into a catastrophe, because nobody wants to see it.

The events and activities that transpired in your life, both good and bad, that you may have forgotten through other subsequent events – did leave a residual trace of their consequences in your mind. When you try to recall the day’s events at bed-time, you remember a few – not everything. When such is the case with the happenings of a single day, what shall be said of the events in life of several months or years? When your end nears, you will remember only very few deep-rooted impressions. Hence, disciplined striving throughout the life is essential for a joyful consummation.

I had forgotten it, as it goes back in the past and it is that many years ago. It is not easy to get aware of the catastrophe and we thought it was over, but it came back and it is still not over. The parents refused to look at it, today the family refused to look at it and what is for me truth is for them again a reason to abuse and they still don't look at it and that is why we were let down by the family. 

The events and activities that transpired in your life, both good and bad, that you may have forgotten through other subsequent events – did leave a residual trace of their consequences in your mind.

That is what came up in Baba's presence. It was a long time ago when I went to Baba in 86 it was already that far away in the past over twenty years I thought I had forgotten it, there was just the feeling left that something was wrong. 

I had no idea of the real problem and why it felt like that, but I never felt home at that place and that didn’t feel good and there had to be a reason for it. 

The manipulation was avoided and omitted by my mother and the father would have been able to look at it probably if she would have handled it a different way, but as she avoided it and we had been let down by them, it has overshadowed my whole life and that is how I had to face it with the inner master.

I fighting a shadow, something was wrong. It was in the air above my father; it was in the air as catastrophe and when he said he wanted to build a beautiful house in Spain it was in the air as ‘illusion’ and I didn't know if it was about a spiritual background or truth or both. Father is truth, so it had to do with truth. It was not possible to change later         what had been ignored and omitted before and it was also not possible to make it okay again. It was still present in the neighborhood and in the mean time I am not going there anymore and I don't want the shadows to come up again.

It is alive in the family as it had been ignored all life and it goes on in the background of the family and I began to avoid it as it is too bad to face the reaction of a taboo we had been imposed by them all our life, it is emotional tension behind and it felt like the emotions were running amok when we touch that taboo, it goes out of hand. 

There had been manipulation and harassment by a stupid neighbor who probably noticed that he could do that with that family and as he died, his wife is still living at that place in the neighborhood, but the house was sold a long time ago. It is not nice, because it turned into 'abuse' only and that is what is left after all.   

It cannot be solved with birthday card and birthday greeting, it will probably never be okay. It seems he went to the US also to keep distance and to not have to face the shadow of the past at least it feels like that. So my mother has made it worse and not better as she thought she did, she has created a taboo and something like an evil spirit that is haunting the family. The children of my brother don't know anything about it, they were never told. In the dream the father was present as Nazi and the family was in the concentration camp.

In the US he is able to be in more distance, but it is really the problem of the brother and not his children. My daughter knows it and doesn't feel it like we did, she has more distance even thought it had been the grand-father. In Germany are lots of kids in that situation that they had a grand-father who was like that and they also have to live with it, it is more that in our society nobody wanted to accept it and they wanted to be better and that made it worse.  

My mother has made a taboo out of it and they ignored the Karma reflecting back on them and they put the blame on me, as it was easier to blame someone else than to face the reality of Karma and that turned into abuse and that is still there and that makes it worse. As soon as the mother came back from Spain we had to face ‘mobbing’ and such stuff and we didn't know where it came from and we didn't do anything wrong and just lived our life and what is going on in the family in the background is outrages, it is like they found a victim to make them feel better or to put their hidden aggression on and that is the much worse than what happened at the surface as it seems. It was the frustration that makes itself air and it turned into abuse and to face that catastrophe, that is really not good. 

But the inner master said that if a mother falls, all children fall with her and that the father should have had another wife.

As I had been let down by them, it was never clear what it was, but something went wrong and he abuse mirrored as reflection it came back as not okay. They made it impossible to go into self-defense, that was the car which went down with the escalator and I couldn't find it anymore. It opened up the door for abuse on another level, everybody could find fault with it, even if I never knew what it was so it seems it arranged that family they made out of me a scapegoat. To get aware of it is also not that easy and it also feels like my emotions could run amok, so it is better to just stop and not go into it more than necessary. 

When you try to recall the day’s events at bed-time, you remember a few – not everything. When such is the case with the happenings of a single day, what shall be said of the events in life of several months or years? When your end nears, you will remember only very few deep-rooted impressions.

That is it what we meet here in that thought for the day, a few deep-rooted impressions are present and the rest is gone and  I guess that is why it was in the air as ‘uprooted’, as it was not possible to talk about it and to address it and it was naive and dangerous and that was also in the dream, the father was dangerous and the mother naive.

We thought with mediation we could solve it and as it had to do with the family and as it was by all means avoided by the mother and it was not possible to talk about it or to look at it as it really was and until today it is not possible. 

Even in knowing it now we have to think it over to get aware of it and that not talking about it was uprooting, if we think it over and address it in the inner view more and more it begins to feel okay and alright. It is kind of difficult to face the fact that they have blinders on and they want to keep them on and that is the catastrophe.

Hence, disciplined striving throughout the life is essential for a joyful consummation.

To be able to live in peace with it after all at the end of our life is that joyful consummation? We get aware of the lesson in it and Baba’s presence and we are able to smile about it and be okay with it? Until now everything comes back as catastrophe only, even Baba looked in the insight like catastrophe and it is ignored and my ex was also a catastrophe as he was only taking advantage of it. I guess it was also something like that in the family, they ignored it and made it impossible to defend ourselves and the other took advantage of it to feel better if it was all wrong. 

He had his mind fixed on them taking care of us and they made a bigger impression on him then it really was, the big house made them appear wealthier than they really were, at least in his mind, whatever I said about past and the problems in the family in his mind he didn't hear it, he always came again with the idea that they should take care of us what means of him as well.

That is what he wanted in getting married, he wanted to be taken care off. It felt like nuts not aware of his hidden motivation thinking it was a Baba Lila, whatever I told him, he didn’t get any of it, a few days later he said again that they should take care of us as it was in his mind the role of parents. 

So in that sense my mother was right, but he had not only the intention that I should take care of him, but also that the family should take care of him and he didn't care about anybody but himself. He began already when his daughter was four years old to tell that she should take care of him when he is old and even worse, my parents should take care of all of us, he was constantly talking about a newsletter he wanted to write and he never made money with it and he wanted to stay at home and he wanted me to go with a neighbor selling earplugs and that is when Baba came in his dream and said to him that I should come to him because I had to make peace with him.

After we went to Baba we didn't go back. The insights were that bad, it was just too big a warning to go back even if it would have seemed easier, I am certain he would have destroyed us and I also didn't call him again, because in that state of mind there was nothing more to tell. I was too scared to go into such an illusion again and that he would be able to fool us again as I didn't know how I got into it with Baba it felt even like Baba was dangerous and a catastrophe, what comes up now only.

In that sense we can tell that it is about making peace with Baba, there are moments I cannot take it and that catastrophe business made me feel that uncomfortable, I didn't want to have anything to do with it anymore and to be able to make it a joyful consummation, that is another matter.

When your end nears, you will remember only very few deep-rooted impressions. Hence, disciplined striving throughout the life is essential for a joyful consummation.

Whatever it means – joyful consummation – disciplined striving throughout life is essential for it. And that time after we left and went to Baba I was always sitting in the back and I didn't want interview as I went into that thinking it was a Baba Lila and I went for it and he made it look like with the help of his so called 'friend' what turned out his 'boss' he had been working for before and Baba behind, it created a nearly perfect illusion. 

It was that complicated and and such a disaster and as it seems until today impossible to get out of it, it reflected on Baba and I didn't want to go back and into that at no price, I rather wanted to keep distance and it is right, there was a need to make peace with him, because I got into that catastrophe with him and even he looks like a catastrophe when he reflects that reality and with my ex it took seven years until finally the divorce was done and he did again everything to get away with it so that he had to pay the least he could for his daughter and as before we were let down by the family. 

I didn't make it to Prasanthi again and I went after that divorce into dynamic meditation and I had to change something and I went dancing to the Osho disco in the hope to get out of it and to get different answers.

Before Baba left the body he came in my dream and he said that he understands that I went to Osho and there was that mud hole, but he also said that Osho's path doesn't work because older age needs more safety.

So I was again where it began years ago and I couldn't again get out of it and that is like that until today.  

In reality it was  of course also my doing because it looked good and the positive seemed to be stronger than the negative and I had no time to waste I went for it to get aware afterwards that it was an illusion and that the negative was stronger than the positive, but that was indeed difficult to see in Baba's presence when everything seems positive only.