Perverted - Reason, if it comes in the Way of that Love

Scriptures are only road-maps; at best they are guide-books that give directions for the destination. It is the actual journey that will reveal the hardships, the delays, the land-slips, the potholes as well as the beauty of the scenic route on the way, and the magnificence of the destination. No secondhand account can equal the firsthand experience! The symbols on the map are interpreted differently by different scholars according to their preconceived notions, predilections and pet theories. 

If you acquire Love, then you can dispense with the Scriptures; for the purpose of all the Scriptures is just that: to create the feeling of Sarvajana samaana prema (equal love for all), and to negate egoism which stands in the way. Reason too, if it comes in the way of this love, is to be discarded as 'perverted'.
Baba (thought for the day)

Years ago I went with my old mother for a visit to the younger brother. He was in hospital, had always problems and he was kind of chaotic. He was talking about strange stuff. I wondered why mother wanted me to come with her, probably she didn't want to drive there alone. 

After that visit in my dream the inner master said, that he does the worst he can do. As usually situations reflect later on, every object has its own refection and if we don't get it, it takes some time, but somehow it will be there later on.

I got worried and spontaneously asked, what he did? 

But he didn't like it when I was asking. I don't remember what he answered, but for sure not what I had in mind. Anyhow, I wanted an answer or a feedback and usually it takes time to get there. 

I guess I mentioned Baba and he didn't like it, even though he had been married years ago to a lady who was spiritually inclined or maybe be cause of that he has totally changed and turned into the opposite. 

My concern was to understand it, to get some kind of feeling for it. 

Baba also said years ago in my dream, that I should take care of my brother. And as he had begun with TM many years ago, he didn't do it, I don't remember, I have probably even initiated him. That is how it went on and I tried to talk to him and noticed, there was no use, every word I said was turned upside down and it got only worse and not better. 

 

The intention and the result were not the same, there was a big gap between my memory of how it had been in the past or thinking how it should be and the reflection coming back. He had no humor and was not even trying to understand it. It got close to the worst he could do, but I was not yet sure if it was that and what I had to learn from it. 

Again time had past, in the mean time the mother past away and the same evening after the burial he began to argue about it. He tried to go into a fight telling me, 'don't do that'. 

I didn't go into his stuff and was listening without responding, I also I didn't understand what he was talking about and what was in his mind. Did he really think he could impose the parent's ways as they did during our childhood? 

It felt like mother was holding him back or after she was gone he thought he had to do it and he began to show his real face.

Last year I went with a friend of mine to Brazil to John of God who is a famous healer, she didn't wanted to go alone and what was there to lose to go and see a healer, it could only be of benefit. 

I sent greetings to my daughter and just added the family, because my sister works with healing and Shiatsu and for the brother it would have been good to go there as well. 

But he sent everybody emails back and began to abuse, to make fun of it and also to my daughter insulting me, because we went to John of God and Baba etc., was that the worst possible? It didn't feel like it yet.

I had to write back, also because of my daughter, she was not all happy to get such emails from her uncle, but still I didn't respond and tried to be nice, just avoiding his foolishness, because I didn't know yet what to tell, I first had to understand it. 

And it was not the end to it. Somehow he went too much into it, going beyond limitations in accusations on the wrong level, not knowing what he was talking about. At night was in the air 'incest', and it was a dirty reddish dark-brown color. The dream reflected the level of a beggar woman, with two children, naked, over and over covered with black dirt.   

During that time with John of God the chakra colors were present also during meditation. It was a high level of spirituality and it transcended colors and went beyond. In my meditation I usually came back on body level in the red chakra and it went up again and beyond. 

The attack of the brother came by surprise. The color was dirty red brown and dark, kind of a shock to see that color after we saw the beauty of the chakra colors and not colored by the mind. I guess that went in the direction of doing the worst he could do. 

But at that time I didn't still answer yet, because I didn't know yet and I had to think it over. I tried to just reason with him and I noticed that he had the tendency to turn everything into violence. 

It was about 'incest', maybe because I couldn't defend myself, whatever the reason, we never could talk in the parent's house and that exposed us to whatever situation. It still was about the question, why did he the worst he could do? 

The 'incest'-issue had already been present with my sister years ahead. She said it was the father and certainly she couldn't defend herself as well. I guess it came up with the taboo, if we went over it, he threw us out of the house or he became violent.

In my dream he was a Nazi and the family in the concentration camp. Therefore, we couldn't look at things properly and mother always just said, what do you have, there is nothing, she tried to make it okay in avoiding it. 

My sister expected me to be at her side, she thought it must have happened on body level, that seems to be a mistake what happens quite often and she was frustrated about it. 

As it came up only now, I thought she would be able to talk about it, but again in vain. 

She died in the inner view, but she is not able to go beyond the 'silence' level. The taboo is stronger. 

Years ago I got letters of hers and in the end I couldn't read it anymore, the last one I didn't read, just got away with it. The issue with 'incest' came up again with the abuse and the brother and it reflected in the dream and the reason seems to be somehow connected to that. We were not allowed to talk, the taboo has expanded to all levels. 

I remember Baba said once if we are on the path of love, the beggar reflects the state of no love.

Whatever, the issue incest was wrong understood, mostly projected on body level and what was not seen is the incest on the soul level and that it could also mean that someone like that needs help. It was for sure a reason to do our best and not avoiding it.

Tamas is upside down and I decided to put it also upside down, taking the blame of the father on me, the taboo, we always avoided it in telling 'I did all that', go ahead, you have all right to abuse, to insult, to make fun of it and to laugh about it. 

In putting it that way, I told him indirectly that he was right, it turned Tamas around into another view, but it had nothing to do with me, but with the parent's house. 

It looked different in that light, because we are not the taboo, it is the result of the father as Nazi and for me it was a question to get rid of it. We faced a taboo during our childhood in the parent's house and that seems to be the reason for most of the problems, the indirect reason. If I take it on myself at the place of the father, the taboo is gone, because I talk about it, I bring it up in the air. 

That was the main issue, to go beyond the taboo and to give it back to him to get rid of the 'incest' issue, whatever the abuse, whatever it was - I wanted to get rid of it. 

It has something to do with not defending ourselves, not talking, being that much under pressure that we don't dear to tell what we think and we were not able to be ourselves. 

Just telling that he was right, that is all what was needed to get it in the open, okay to insult, to abuse, the right to scandalize, the right for sarcasm and ridicule, telling him go on blaming and abusing, but it had the opposite reaction. 

That was not what he intended and therefore, it was awful what came back. He wanted to kill me. He is used to doing that and nothing is coming back, but not this time.

That is how we got aware that the taboo must be the reason, behind a apparent peace only. 

We still cannot talk about it, but I write about it. 

It is the reason for abuse and 'incest' in the air, no self-defense, we were too afraid of the father to tell what we thought, he could do whatever he wanted, we were glad if he let us alone. 

And the reaction was first, I got sick and was throwing up, but after it got better. That was the taboo I got away with on my level, but not for the others. But for me it is like an inside smile. 

In turning it around and saying, yes, I have done all that, all what the father had done, gave him the right to abuse, to insult, I was putting in purpose upside down, giving him reason to abuse, to laugh, to make fun of it. It seems a solution to get away with that, it was the father's problem projected on us. But that is reason enough to discriminate between the real father and the illusion.   

Atman reacts, reflects and resounds. (Baba)  

His reaction was not positive, but it is still Baba.  

There was a Baba dream. 

I guess I was steering up things. I didn't think it would have such a reaction. 

For me it was normal, if we get insulted for nothing and don't know how to react or are unable to do it. 

I was looking for a way out and that was the way out, telling - you are right, there is a reason for it. Even if he answers with a murderous threat, definitely the worst he can do. Now it is not anymore necessary to answer, it is the worst he can do. 

I had no idea that it would go that far and in the first moment it feels like upsetting everybody. 

But not we know about the worst and Baba's presence in the dream. Follow the master, fight to the end. Finish the game. 

When I get the answer, the object reflected is no more an issue, he took it away, he uplifted it on a higher level again. 

It was about fighting to the end and finishing the game, it was about Baba. 

At this point I had forgotten that it said that he does the worst he can do. The feedback is the result of just trying to communicate. 

A lot of stuff of the time in the parent's house came up stirring up that taboo.

Baba felt very close in my dream, his face was all close. 

He sat in the wheelchair, I have never met him during the time when he was in the wheelchair, but for just a moment my head touched his front and there was nothing but a flow of energy and love. It was a great dream and it neutralized whatever had been there. 

For me that game is done, but of course, they don't know that. 

Definitely, I have been steering up things. 

Brother means devotion, but there was no devotion, only violence and misunderstandings. 

When Baba said the same 'I am that', it is the level of 'brother', because it has to do with devotion.

As he said years ago I should take care of my brother I went first in direction of the physical brother, because we used to think that way and that is on the physical level - brother, born in the same family and that is how we get able to discriminate. It is not just done, we have to learn to see right from wrong and put it in our life. 

Enough of the worst he can do. I have corrected the level of 'incest' in my own life and I feel able to get away from it - but it became again dangerous. It was like, 'what, my brother, why should he do the worst he can do?' He is sometimes nice. That was my way of thinking. 

I felt worried about him, asked him what he was doing and that is the outcome, that is the result, no communication possible.  

It seems that is how Baba's teaching grows and we can live Baba's teaching. There is no notion in my brother about non-violence and Ahimsa and love, peace, shanty and spirituality and least about Dharma. 

Serve man until you see God in all men. - Baba

How to see God in all men, when we have to face such disasters? 

What do we learn? 

Recognizing that a physical brother is not on the spiritual path is looking for the brother on the wrong place. 

The inner master makes aware of it, by getting aware of it old stuff came up. Now I know that Baba didn't mean that brother, but another level of brother - devotion.   

I guess he felt like my little brother still, kind of sentimental. I remembered him during childhood, he was much younger, I was even watching him. Therefore, it is also good to be aware that time changed it. We should not look for it on the wrong level. 

It is the spiritual level and brother, it is devotion. That is how we learn. And without devotion, on that level - no brother. 

It was also reflected in Krishna and Balarma or Krishna and Arjuna, Balarama is the brother of Krishna and Arjuna is his brother in law. 

A brother who does the worst he can do is of no help for self-realization. It has to be good company. 

And that was the problem with my ex. 

I had met him in the ashram and it felt like ideal because he was a devotee. Only it was not okay in the end and Baba said I should follow the inner light and when it is light blue I can go on..., that is how discrimination is going on, the difference between light and blue light. With TM I had met a soulmate, that was also level brother and it didn't work. And we tried for years in vain to get answers. 

He said when it is light blue we can go on. And we should not waste time, energy. 

No secondhand account can equal the firsthand experience! The symbols on the map are interpreted differently by different scholars according to their preconceived notions, predilections and pet theories.

I guess it is about the difference between reality and illusion. The wrong direction, the wrong level is called illusion. 

The illusion was in the air when my father was building the house in Spain. He said he would build the most beautiful house and above him was 'illusion' in the air. 

One day I was thinking about that 'illusion' in Baba's presence and he just came back from Darshan and above him was 'I am real'. But we should not only see it, but also understand it and to be able to get the difference between reality and illusion.

If we see 'illusion' in the air and do not know why, it doesn't help to understand that 'illusion'. There has to be a difference between reality and illusion to know the right meaning.

With the physical father it was 'illusion' and with Baba it was real, that answers the question about the real father and to whom we really belong, of course, it is the real father not the illusion. 

But it feels still difficult, because I am still used to see my father as the one who gave us the body and birth and not the spiritual, divine father. The parents certainly did their best, but nevertheless, 'illusion' and not real. 

He wanted to keep the house in Spain, but it had to be sold, afterwards he fell into depression, that is how we got aware of the result of illusion, it turns out differently than we think it should. 

If you acquire Love, then you can dispense with the Scriptures; for the purpose of all the Scriptures is just that: to create the feeling of Sarvajana samaana prema (equal love for all), and to negate egoism which stands in the way. 

Reason too, if it comes in the way of this love, is to be discarded as 'perverted'.

  

If we acquire that Love, we don't need the scriptures, but to get there we need it. It is not just a feeling of love, but equal love for all and knowing how to get away with egoism which stands in the way. 

That was the experience with my ex, it came in the way of that love. 

We had met in Baba's presence and he thought that I was the wife Baba gave him, because I had an interview and Baba asked to whom I belonged and I didn't know. But that is just the point, also with the brother. 

If we belong to the higher self or divinity and our worldly brother has no notion about it, it is not the right brother. 

After we left the US and went to Baba to the ashram, it was in the inner view as 'perverted' and that didn't feel good. What we had experienced and the attitude of that so called 'ex' had nothing anymore in common with Baba's teaching, it was totally besides it, it was even shocking that it could be that different - it is perverted.

It was an interview question when Baba asked to whom I belonged and I tried to find answers, because it had to do with TM, the source got lost, there were only soulmates, but we didn't know that we belonged to one, because it was all the same, therefore, the husband relationship got lost, but there was the feeling of marriage anyhow, it was after the course and there was a commitment due to that, but we didn't know the husband and that is how the source got lost. 

And in the inner view as constantly, if we don't know the source, we cannot understand it.

Therefore, I had to get answers and on different levels to be able to discriminate. Already in the first interview Baba said that it is very difficult to understand, it was about discrimination. 

During the time with TM we just meditated, thought all problems would be solved and that it was Patanjali and Raja Yoga and it was never about the source and discrimination. After the reality came up that the source got lost, we didn't know why. Was it private? Was it because the master was not at its place with TM? How do we answer such questions?

Baba said, follow the master. Fight to the end. Finish the game. 

It was not about no intellect, we had that already with TM, it was about no intellect, just discrimination between relative and absolute and meditate and by that solve all problems. It was not about that, it was about understanding and discrimination, whatever we might understand and hear in his words, for me it was always about understanding and that means discrimination. 

I tried to get answers and I thought I will never know and I began to talk about it. 

I didn't talk about it before, I kept to myself and in silence, but as soon as I talked about it, it came from behind like hidden somewhere, like he was only waiting for that moments when I would start to talk, feeling free for once and already there was someone who took advantage of it. That is how I met my ex. 

He wanted a wife and his former boss who gave him his room, he had told him that he could ask anything he wanted from Baba. So he wanted a wife and a new career and he projected that wife in the interview question. 

In his mind Baba had asked me to whom I belonged just because he wanted a wife. I hoped he would help me to get answers or to get on the bottom of it.  

I was not aware that it exposed me to him. If Baba asked me to whom I belonged, I couldn't possibly know and because I had no idea where to begin with questioning it, I spoke about it, trusting that I it was safe in Baba's presence. 

That is how that level of highest love got on that reasoning level and into a relationship which later had nothing at all to do anymore with the beginning and Baba's interview question. After we went back to see Swami, he said inside it was 'perverted'. 

Since I did nothing but trying to understand it. 

And even after that he didn't see the need for divorce, even if Baba said inside, 'you didn't listen, you have to get a divorce'. 

It was my dream and he for sure didn't listen to me, he listened to his friend and he said, no divorce. 

That guy was living in the room of his former boss, he said that he was his friend, not his former boss and that he would be his partner and it was all fantasy. Now how should I know that? His former boss was travelling with Baba in the same car and flying in the helicopter and we were impressed, we didn't even dear to breath..., what about questioning it? 

And it was all about truth, so we thought he was also thinking about truth if he had that room of his former boss? 

But in reality his former boss had fired him, and as it seemed not only because he was like helpless and he couldn't find a job, but also because he knew too much. 

And he is not flexible, he was sent to Baba that he could take care of him and he got that room for several reasons, not only to make him go there that Baba could change his life, but also because he knew too much and it was in his boss's interest that he was still a friend. 

He lived like a VIP, he talked like one and he claimed not only to have a good job again, but to be the partner of his former boss and we thought, wow - no money problems, how great. I would have liked to stay in the ashram forever. 

And he enjoyed the VIP status of his former boss, because everybody thought that he must be his friend if he was in his room, but they were all wrong. 

He didn't care about truth and he didn't tell that he lost the job, he said that his former boss went into retirement, because they wanted to sue him and he endorsed his money on his wife's name and he said that it was the reason that he retired and stopped business and that he would be his partner... again, when he would start business again, only that never happened afterwards. 

How do we get to the idea that it is all fantasy, a fantasy world in the presence of a Sai Baba who is only truth?

The question to whom I belong is about the 'real' father and not the illusion father and the difference between reality and dream. It is not about the past, it is about discrimination. 

He said that I belonged to him, that was not the same level. It was also about discrimination, but between fathers and that guy. 

That means my ex took only advantage of it and when he realized it was not like he would have liked it, he was gone and left us back to Baba as his former boss did, as it seems. If we went along or not, he didn't want to know. 

I thought he would help me to get the right answers, because I talked about an interview and as soon as it was not anymore about what he thought it should be, he was no more present, the nice guy was gone and by the way he was everything else but a nice guy. If it didn't arrange him, he turned even in the opposite and said that there was nothing wrong with the TM-path, even thought Baba said, it was not the right path, he turned it around that it arranged him. 

Ever since it seems just about getting the right answer, because everything was wrong and on that background everything else is coming up what has not been answered or what is not clear and in question. 

He wanted a wife and he wanted his job back with his retired 'boss', 'friend', 'partner', whatever he called it, it was for sure not what it seemed to be. 

But with TM, the source lost, 'soulmate' was level husband, but everybody could be a soulmate, that means we didn't know.

In a sense was the TM conditioning repeated and I had no idea how to get to that discrimination, I was not used to ask those questions and had to find a way. Most of people seem never to get out of it anyhow, because of the lost source, it cannot be understood.

It looked great but it was a dream. Sorry it was not true. Nevertheless, it was an opportunity to get a family, even if it was not the right answer and finally perverted on the level of that love, without I would not have a daughter. 

Reason too, if it comes in the way of this love, is to be discarded as 'perverted'.