All spiritual practices (Sadhana) will go in vain if you do not know your true identity. Instead of asking others, “Who are you?” ask yourself, “Who am I?”
We say, “This is my book, this is my tumbler.” Then, "Who am I? The feeling of ‘my’ is illusion (maya). All this ‘mine’ is matter; they are negative. You think you are the master of this material world. Master the mind and be a mastermind! Make an effort to know your true identity.
To know this, you should first give up body attachment. When I say this is ‘my handkerchief’, I am separate from the handkerchief. Similarly, when I say this is ‘my body’, I am separate from the body. When I say, ‘my mind’ it means I am separate from my mind. Then who am I? Constant enquiry on these lines would lead y ou to self realisation.
Baba (thought for the day)
We went into the practice of spiritual sadhana by regular meditation, twenty minutes morning and evening silent sitting, very simply, we just sat down and were thinking a mantra, repeating it and it was essential to do it regularly, and health will improve, we use more of our mental potential and life improves in many ways, and that will takes care of aging, we will get less old or we remain longer young etc.
That was all good and we could use it and it is what everybody wanted, there was no reason to not go for it, but not once it was about our true identity. But I was looking for the higher self and that is our true identity and I was thinking that it would still come, later on maybe, they always said it would come and there was that big deception, first it was all secret, we could only know in doing and afterwards, after we got it and it went from program to program, from course to course, but it never went beyond it and in direction of the higher self. In that sense it was similar to scientology, I have seen a movie not long ago and first it seemed to make sense, going beyond the mind and more in a state of being and then began the courses and more courses and training and it ended in a mental prison and it is nothing but brainwashing.
And with TM it is also like a mental prison, even worse, because people get cut off the source and if we don't know the source, we cannot understand it and if we do not understand it, we cannot fight the enemy, because we don't understand it and that stupid state of no understanding and therefore, being force to tell only what they have learnt by heart, that they think is invincibility.
All spiritual practices (Sadhana) will go in vain if you do not know your true identity. Instead of asking others, “Who are you?” ask yourself, “Who am I?”
How can we make sure that we are not waking up in such a mental prison?
As a TM-teacher I had been meditating for years and got inside in touch with Baba in the heart, even without asking, who am I? But I went always in direction of the higher self, but I was that used to think that meditation was enough, I didn't began to question by myself, it was Baba who had to put the questions in my head so that I began to question again.
But before I took some vibuthi and it went into the heart and there he was, he was just very small and dark blue, it was divinity in the heart.
I began with regular meditation in Paris, I tried to find a way to go inside. The first two years helped to get calmer, more focused and it was easier to study French, therefore, I got used to do it regularly and I liked it, it felt great, but it was still the beginning.
I remember it as a nice time, easy going and that it felt great and when I went into the Siddhis, it was less about the possibility of yogic flying, but it was kind of challenging to know if it worked.
I went to a course, a Siddhi prep course and that was one week meditation and there was a melody coming out of the hearts of all hearts and that was such a great and amazing self-experience and of course, because we didn't ask, 'who am I?
It was projected into meditation technique and that is activity, it is part of the mind, it is something we do, even if it is only thinking a mantra.
That was the first wrong conclusion, that we thought it was due to TM, because we didn’t ask, who am I?
It was not possible to get aware that it was related to the self, because the self is self-referral, it has been recognized by the self, not by something or someone else. We concluded it was the result of mediation, and that is on the level of result thinking and again in the mind and not beyond the mind.
Even if it seemed convincing, it was nevertheless a wrong conclusion, because only the self can know itself and not a technique.
We have to get aware that only the self can know itself and that was not possible, because it was projected in the technique.
Technique is the relative level of the mind and it keeps us in the mind, it doesn’t go beyond the mind.
I wanted more of that listening of the melody coming out of the heart of all hearts, but in doing something and in meditating and because it was a wrong conclusion and we didn't ask the right question, we didn't get closer, only further away.
That was maya, illusion that is not the place we will find it.
It felt like an echo coming back from the universe and it felt incredibly beautiful, but we didn’t ask the right questions, therefore, there was no right answer.
If we would have asked, ‘who am I’, it would have opened up the mind and it would have been possible to get to the right conclusion.
The teacher of that course was inspiring and because of that beautiful self-experience, we wrote it down and it seemed like sharing, but it was not, it had nothing at all to do with him, he was not even aware that such insights exist.
He said that we should go along into more courses and go into the TM siddhis flying program that was the result of sharing, he was a puppet like all others too, only I didn't know it yet.
On more courses will be the answers, it was always the same. He said so, even if he had no idea what he was talking about and because he was a teacher, we thought he knew and that was all maya, illusion, even if he seemed to know, it was only learnt by heart, but those people are convinced that TM is the answer to all answers.
I decided to go for the Siddhi course, the flying course and to learn more about the Patanjali Yoga Sutras and it was just repetition of the sutras like affirmations twice a day. But it was nevertheless fascinating and it seemed to open up new possibilities, if we knew how to think a sutra on the level of pure consciousness, it could manifest on the spot, the only question was, if they would be able to see those manifestations, I don't think so, not in my experience, because everything is projected in technique the mind is too firm to allow sutras insights to happen.
As it is not on the level of technique and therefore, different as they think it should be, and nothing exists, but what they think how it should be. That means anything beyond the mind will not be recognized.
Even if the instruction was to go back to the self and think the sutra, and empty state of no thoughts and a sutra, nobody was able to see it in the light of the higher self and asking the question, ‘who am I?’
Only if we ask, ‘who am I?’ the sutra makes sense.
Much later in Baba’s Darshan I was sitting there and noticed in Darshan, ‘you have the strength of an elephant’.
That is a sutra, ‘the strength of an elephant’ and we repeated about twenty sutras morning and evening mechanically and didn’t get aware of it, because we didn’t ask the right question. But it had lost the fascination, I couldn't see it in my life, it had to help me out of that situation.
The yogic flying was near my home place and as I had been already homesick and I called my boyfriend in Paris, and another woman answered, that made it easy to me, I didn’t go back.
I went to my parent's house and half of the family began with TM, my sister began first, followed by the little brother and finally my father.
With the brother we drove to Paris to get my things and we went to the south of France to meet that TM-teacher, the guy who had been the course leader before. It was nice and after coming back he felt like a soulmate. That was again on the self level and as we didn't ask the right question, there was no answer.
I thought maybe in talking to him there would be an answer and in my understanding or the way he said it, I should do the TTC course to be able to initiate with him. But as we didn’t ask the right question, there were no answers.
I went to that course, it took a long time and it felt like a strain and on the course itself I noticed that he had forgotten to tell me that it should be in French. It was strain; nothing was as it should have been.
He went some time later to La Reunion. And it took a long time, but finally I became a TM-teacher. When I realized that I had not been informed properly during the course I also realized that there was no way to put it in question, because it was all secret, it was already too late, I was in the trap, it was impossible to verify and that was called invincibility.
It was not possible to argue about it. But he should have told me that I should do it in French and I didn't get the answers I was looking for.
On some level it felt stupid, but still there was no way out. I remember that I was constantly thinking, what is wrong about it?
Everything was learnt by heart and it was not possible to change languages just like that, it had to be trained in a language, that was frustrating or it felt like a misunderstanding. So after the course I just forgot about it and went on thinking it had to be like that and that is how it got lost, just forgotten how it happened and that it was screwed up, it was one wrong conclusion after the other.
The Maharishi began with the Mother divine and Purusha courses and everybody wanted to participate, highest first ... during the course he was present, we met him and his presence harmonized that self-level it was present inside as perfect harmony.
That was the higher self level and I felt happy again.
I didn't think of going to La Reunion anymore, it had changed and I just went on and tried to make the best out of it.
After the TM-teachers training, 'marriage' was in the air, but not to a person, it was to the TM-movement.
I began in a TM-center and the national leader began to call regularly, he said that Maharishi wanted a big house and I was looking around if I would find a new hotel for him, he had already many hotels. Nevertheless, I thought it was interesting, because of the Yogi's presence.
His former girl friend, she went on mother divine course, came back when she noticed that there was someone else.
That is what Baba called in the inner view, 'what happened when Sophie came back?'
They offered me a job as assistant on a TTC course. I was in the TM-center and usually the courses had not been in Holland, Germany, France and I thought, why not, going for the highest first... and I wanted to know more about that knowledge that was a way to repeat the course.
But the course was on the same place and it was like a boiling pot and in no time everything turned upside down.
Going on I thought it should not be a problem, just make the best out of it, but it was different. After a while began the insights.
It was only Baba who said in the dream that he is the insight and the following step, I didn't know and therefore, I thought it was only air breaking in pieces what didn't make sense, it was all up in the air, uprooted.
It felt strange that the air should break in pieces. It didn't make sense, it was cut off. If we would have known that Tapas, spiritual work, means that we have see it in our own life, it would have been different. First, discriminate, second, see it in our own life and third, go on no matter what obstacles are there.
It was air, because on course, it was all in the air and cut off - that created the idea of invincibility.
After the course, when the leader came back, it was no more air, but about relationship issues and the same conclusion, only now it was faith breaking into pieces, later it was about the movement and again the same, no trust and the others, they offered the course to me, no more trust, it was on all levels the same conclusion, it began with air and expanded to all levels. But as we didn't know that we had to see it in our own life, it was cut off and in the air, it was uprooted.
In no time it had expanded on all levels. They appeared as puppets on a string, the hand was not there which should have been holding them that is the result of it. No discrimination, puppets only, and the hand not there, the leader was not okay.
And all turned into enemies, that was not a very joyful level, but as everything was in the air and uprooted, how to understand why the all became enemies and how it expanded to all.
We didn’t ask the right question, ‘who am I?’
We didn't see any need to see it in our own life and in connection with relationships. If we didn't see it in our own life, it didn’t make sense and because the right question was not asked, we were stuck with no answers. Tapas is discrimination, and there was no discrimination, we have to see it in our own life, relate it to our relationships, there was no such thing as seeing it in our own life and only the going on and on was there, but projected into technique.
The only thing which was there, the going on and on ..., the third step of Tapas, we didn’t know. We just thought it was possible to only meditate and believed blindly that all problems will be solved, just because we get on a deeper level of consciousness.
Baba said in the dream, he is the insight and he is the following step.
We didn't know how to ask the right question, 'who am I?'
I didn’t want do go on course, it was offered to me by the national office, and it was planned by mother divine course office and that other lady who came back. They had been all on course and seemed to somehow not aware that I was in a city and in a center and not like them on course.
It was nonsense, because I was not there and I would not have any reason to go there, they didn't had to get me out of way, I was already gone, but what they did with that stupid planning, was the opposite, they got me fully into it and therefore, it was not their doing, but they thought it was them, in reality it was the national leader doing with them what he wanted, only he benefited from having both women on the same place.
He wanted to see what happened ... and the others thought that they offered me a course because one was too much, it was all upside down and he did with them what he wanted, that was the hand which was not present and they were all puppets only, he could do with them what he wanted.
But as Baba said, it is with all of them the same, we have no case, we can ask, but we will not get an answer, they all can hide behind the secrecy and nobody got aware of it.
It was all upside down and Tamas. For me it felt like I was exposed to the whole movement, but behind it was the leader.
Everybody was involved, the national office, the course office, the leader … and Baba asked in the inner view, what happened when she came back?
He did with them whatever he wanted. They looked like puppets on a string, the hand was missing, which should have been there holding them and they turned all into enemies. And I wondered, how did that happen?
But it is as Baba said, they are all the same, we have no case.
If we mentioned it, nobody knows anything, they don't see it. One thing was sure, I couldn’t trust him. After the nine months were over, I still hoped that it would get okay again, there had to be an answer.
Back to the center I hoped it would be possible to start new again, but instead there was a black hole in meditation, not possible to just begin new again. That also seemed to not make sense and to be cut off and uprooted, but in the mean time I know it was about the master not being present, it was about lost trust and a replacement partner.
I got some vibuthi and a Baba book and I took some vibuthi and it was an amazing experience, there was love in the heart and there was a tiny very sweet dark blue form of divinity. I was a new door opening up and I just had to find a way to get out of it and to go to Baba.
It didn't take long the national leader was in front of my door trying to know if that game had a good effect? All enemies, he was an enemy and therefore, I kept him close, to dangerous, so I could watch him and find a way out, it was always clear that I would leave, I just didn't know how yet.
We went together to the Maharishi, he was in Noida and I hopped he would be able to change it again, but it was again an illusion, it was just confirmed, above his head was 'criminal'. It was the result of the leader's doing, but also that was difficult to understand, upside down and Tamas.
I went for 14 days to Baba and went back to get my luggage, we had to take the flight from New Delhi. But things changed and one day I packed and went to Baba.
And one day we had interview and he asked a lady I had to translate for, who I was, he asked three times and afterwards he asked, what is your relationship?
To whom does she belong? And that is how he put those questions in my head, because before I still went on just meditating. I had to translate it and it seemed real strange, but already 14 days later I met someone who said he did TM and he never did it, that was also hidden behind the secret. I had not seen it like that, but with that secrecy policy it was possible to bullshit and fool people and nobody was able to notice it. It went that fast, and I still thought both doing meditation it would work out, now I have to face the reality that it was not about meditation, but about the reality that he could fool us in such a system. It was possible to hide behind the secrecy of TM.
Now I had to ask questions, because nothing was as it should have been.
Also my parent's house looked differently than I had thought it was and with TM nothing was okay.
They didn’t ask the right questions.
One day I even met the TM-teacher, he is still in France, I met him in the Facebook and asked him why he didn't tell me years ago that I should have done it in French and he said, it was not meant to be.
That was no answer, all those troubles and just avoiding it. Baba said in the dream, careful, husband. I didn't get it, he was a soulmate, why husband?
But it was not about marriage, but about divorce and that is how it began to make sense. It was about divorce, therefore, husband, we had been in a law court and with him I got into TM, the law court was about divorce and by that getting aware of the beginning again, what was lost before.
In the beginning it felt like a good experiences, the beautiful melody coming out of the heart of all hearts, nothing was left of it, nothing at all.
The husband seemed rather a replacement Guru, the Maharishi not there. It was lost and even if the Maharishi was afterwards present with the national leader, it was still not possible to understand it, because he was not present as master.
The ‘marriage’ in the air after the TTC, probably with the question, who am I?’ We would have searched for the husband, instead of soulmate and it didn't make sense that it ended as 'marriage', it was all hidden and therefore, it was not possible to understand it.
It was just ‘marriage’ on a movement level.
It was therefore the whole movement involved when all turned into enemies. It was mother divine, it was the course office, it was the national course office and it was the national leader and first it looked like air only, but afterwards nothing could be trusted anymore, as long as it was cut off and in the air, it didn't make sense and we could not understand it. As soon as I saw it as Tapas and on all levels in my life, it began to make sense and it expanded from air to the leader and to the others and to all.
Baba said in the dream, it is with all of them the same, we have no case. Nobody sees any responsibility for it.
Meditate and all problems will be solved and it felt like a huge joke, it is not invincibility, they are just cut off, it is not possible to argue on that level, now that is not that bad after all, but the source cut off, we cannot understand it.
After seeing Baba as insight, it gets kind of normal that it expands from air to all, and when all appeared as enemies, it is because we have no case and they don’t take any responsibility. The black hole is also insight, again the same, trust lost, no answers, no insights, cut off, turning around and around in a black hole and awful trap. Who am I?
If we don't ask the right question, all is in vain.
We cannot understand it if the source is lost and that is why we don't ask those questions. That are the puppets on a string and if we cannot understand it, how are we able to fight the enemy? That is why I had an interview and Baba asked that lady, who I was and to whom I belonged and what our relationship was and I had to begin to think it over again and again...
Then, "Who am I? The feeling of ‘my’ is illusion (maya). All this ‘mine’ is matter; they are negative. You think you are the master of this material world. Master the mind and be a mastermind! Make an effort to know your true identity.
The question is not, who are you? The question is about, who am I?
With TM we didn't have any of those questions. We just meditated and got in a transcendental state and back again in the mind, there was no question about, who am I?
All spiritual practices (Sadhana) will go in vain if you do not know your true identity. Instead of asking others, “Who are you?” ask yourself, “Who am I?”
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