Look at the fish! Living as it does perpetually in water, has it rid itself of its foul smell to any extent? No. Inclinations (vasanas)won't disappear as long as one's heart is full of the illusion of egotism, even if one is immersed in many heart-purifying spiritual disciplines. If you really want to get rid of the feeling of "I" and "mine", you must transform yourself and worship the Lord (Hari), without any likes and dislikes. Just as light and darkness can never coexist at the same place, love and hatred can't coexist in the same heart. You experience joy and misery through the ear. Therefore as a spiritual aspirant, avoid the cruel arrows of hard words. Instead use sweet, pleasant and soft words suffused with truth. Speaking softly by adding falsehood will bring you misery. You can recognise a true spiritual aspirant through their good qualities.
Direct perception is experience and in thinking it over we remember the experience and see it in our own life and no matter what comes up it takes shape and form just in remembering it and seeing it in our own life in the light of the words of a self-realized authority and that is what Sai Baba is a self-realized authority.
Last night some family stuff came up after writing some Christmas greetings and how I got aware of the family patterns. Even if it is a different situation and a different time, that pattern is still alive and it is part of the experience, but here it is about the right answer or inference.
To have the man in our dream awaking us to our duty to our own self and find words like 'mobbing' at the inside and a dark person in the midst of it and to get aware how it went from one to the other, that had to be understood first. And that is this understanding and the source of correct understanding, it is Patanjali who said that, he is one of the biggest self-realized authorities we know, he is called the father of Yoga and we know him from the Patanjali yoga sutras.
And I was watching that image in the inner view and the man who was in the dream to awake us, he is the same who is telling us about the fish in the water.
If there is mobbing, we know that there is not love.
I began to be on guard and to not just joyful walk into it getting out with another bad experience wondering what had happened.
It was nevertheless family and just around the Christmas time we usually get aware of it because it is also a time when families meet and celebrate Christmas together and it is a festival of love, of religion and our church and inner reflection.
Swami said to us in the interview in words, not as the man coming in our dream to awake us, he said, 'follow the master, fight to the end, finish the game'.
It was an interview with the group as it always was and I don't know how far the others heard it, but there was no doubt that it was for me and I began to do it.
First was the question of how to follow the master, as he is the man coming in our dreams to awake us when he was in the dream I knew that he was the master and I had to follow it and that is what I did. When something was in question in the dream and I had a totally different experience of it or no idea about it, I began to question it and I had to find a way to address it and to get to the truth of it to be able to understand it and that is how everything came up, not only about mobbing, but also manipulation going on in the neighborhood and with correct understanding we can look at it in a different way and we understand why we felt the way we felt at that time.
And when I went to a class meeting, I wondered how far I was able to take it and if it was still the same, but in the meantime but with them I just felt home.
The disturbance of the family was not on the surface level, they were always eager to appear as everything fine and harmony at the outside level and everything should be fine and wonderful, we had to keep up with their taboos and respect the parents, but in the heart deep down it felt disturbed and that is how I began to look for truth.
I didn't know why it felt that disturbed and why I never felt home.
When I came back from a visit and I was at that time in Geneva, I felt just emptiness and it was not a good experience as it was too disturbed and I wondered what had happened and why I felt like that.
Once I had an experience with fear and it was at night in the dream and next day one of the GM at my job committed suicide and I felt guilty, because I had felt it in the dream and if was kind of confusing.
I told my mother and she said, maybe you are guilty, but that was not the right answer and it was not possible to get in details and to tell her why and how I really felt and as I didn't even know him personally, I had never changed a word with him, I was just a witness and my question was why witnessing made us feel guilty and why I got aware of the suicide in my dream. It was already the man who comes in our dreams to awake us, that is how he made me aware of it that it was not the right place to be, it turned into self-destruction after all. Afterwards everything felt like self-destruction and I couldn't go on working at that place, I had to find another job, but before was the higher self in my dream and then it was totally clear, but it was also not clear how it could be there, what we were missing is the words of a self-realized authority.
That means we didn't see it yet as the man coming in our dreams to awake us, we didn't know why it was like that and the 'I' was identified with my 'I' as well, there was no difference and that felt scary and that fear was just a reason I had to change jobs really and find something else. It had somehow turned into a place of self-destruction and that felt scary.
That was the first time I met the different 'I' as the same 'I' in someone and got aware of it in such a drastic way in the inner view with fear and the fear of losing my mind and the fear of death and that there is no difference on the 'I' level, it is the same 'I' and as Baba tells us, 'I am I', so it was not my I only, but just the 'I' and the man who is coming in our dreams to awake us.
When I tried to tell my mother about it and I realized it was in vain and when I talked about it that it was so strange that I felt guilty because I knew it before and she said, maybe you are guilty, it was no answer, it was no correct understanding and how could I get that correct understanding of it, I knew I had to find a self-realized authority or a spiritual master to get an answer.
Afterwards somehow thinking it over I got to the conclusion that I felt guilty, because I didn't decide yet really what side to take and I was too open for everything and after I had left that job, the Hare Krishnas sold books at my new job and I got the Bhagavad Gita and began to read it and noticed how difficult it was to understand it still and that answers didn't just made sense like that and how we had to think it over, but I began to visit them in the hope to get answers and in the hope to get the Gita explained to us. That was not done so fast actually, but it was a decision in direction of the divine and from that moment the feeling of guilty was gone.
I didn't get the answer on the level and I went inside with meditation and began with TM and a reason was also that the master was not far from us in the mountains and I hoped to come closer to a self-realized authority in that way. But we just went from technique to programs and finally to more courses and it didn't help at all to get the answer or the correct understanding I was looking for.
And there was even the situation when the same fear I had met before at that job came back and was again present, only there was big, huge, black hole in my meditation, the man coming in our dream to awake us made us aware of it in such a way that we could not get a right understanding and answer like that, it was that scary, again the fear of losing the mind and the fear to die of tiredness and exhaustion.
I was in a relationship and he felt like a replacement partner, the replacement master, he talked constantly about him. The replacement partner is only there as long as the real partner is not there, as soon as the real one is back, he was with the real one again and for me it felt like he had someone else it was very strange really.
I went to a assistant course on a teacher training and it was the last course, it felt like behind bars, the doors were locked and I had to find a new way out at the end was just a very bad feeling and no freedom anymore to chose, I got that scared of it and on the course the air was breaking in pieces, what made no sense and more it made no sense, more it was a fact that we were missing the correct understanding. They all were puppets on a string and the hand was not there which should be there holding the strings and all felt like enemies, the experience were awkward and it was like a shock to get aware of it and when I went on course I thought it would be okay. I had liked those courses really and I didn't expect that and I thought it was still controlled by the master and I realized that in that role of puppet on a string we were totally dependent on a master who was not present and I felt exposed and that scared me even more afterwards, there was no way out really. I still hopped everything would be fine after all.
There was that dependency growing and it was actually not good getting aware of it as long as we just meditated we lived still in the illusion to be free. The replacement partner mirrored in the big black hole the self-realized authority was not present and it was not possible to get correct understanding as Patanjali tells us here.
The black hole was also a sign of trust lost, but what effort it needed to get aware of all those experiences and insights.
It felt that dangerous in the meantime, such an awkward experience, realizing that others were in that and didn't get out anymore and I was looking for a way out.
I went on meditating, but it felt dusty, old, sick and the enthusiasm was gone, I was scared of insights and my own feelings were like gone and that bad, and I got a book from Sai Baba and there was vibuthi in it and I put a little vibuthi on my tongue and it transformed into love and it was flowing downwards in the heart and there was a small divine form, God.
That was amazing and an opening up again, it was the end of the agony, but scared of the suffering experienced before, I put at that time omsairam in front of the mantra to make sure I felt okay, it is the greetings we used in the ashram with Sai Baba. I felt totally besides myself, I had no idea that it was possible to feel that much agony and nobody was aware of it and I just couldn't get out of it, we were no more free to go and follow the heart or the insights, we were committed to it, I had said A and now I had to say B, I had to find a way out, but the result was really that devastating, there was no expression for it.
I hardly thought it was possible to feel that bad really as imprisoned in that course behind bars really, the doors locked and exposed to all that and the women, it was a nightmare and I told myself, never again, just being the shadow of myself, wondering how I got into that, feeling bad about everything, trust lost and afraid of death, I was that tired, there was no name for such tiredness. I thought, never ever such courses again. What I had liked before was like gone in an instant only.
At that time it was the question if we wanted to go on such a course permanently or only temporarily, it was always in question and after all I could be glad that my own experiences prevented me to go for it, it was the moment I realized that I was that scared of it that I would never ever be able to go for such a course anymore, I had to get answers and needed to be free and find a self-realized authority to get the correct understanding and it got only worse and not better. In the meantime I felt bad and loaded because there was not one real answer really, it was just mechanical and nobody seemed to know what they were doing really and we did the Patanjali sutras, but as program and not the way Patanjali tell us in the image above.
When I went to that course I went in the idea that the master was behind it and he had the control over it and that is what the man coming in our dream to awake us made me aware of, they were just puppets on a string and the hand was not there holding the strings and all turned into enemies. It was not right to think that the master was present, he was not and he was not holding the strings in his hands as I had thought, but to get aware of it and to get the correct understanding how much time and effort it needed and it got only worse and not better.
Even years later there was still a dream and it was a speedboat in the water and I felt half in the water still I got into with that meditation technique which seemed that easy really and with one hand holding on to that speed boat there was no driver and I saw that there was an rock ahead and it was clear that it would with very high speed clash with that rock. It was still present years later, no correct understanding and nothing was finished yet and it was all open and no answers.
Coming back I began to follow the inner master and I went to two mediation weekends just trying to understand what was wrong and what had happened to us I tried to get an answer by following the inner master until the man who comes in our dream to awake us was present and said that I should not come to him again, that I don't belong to them and he said and that I know it.
It was a hard time getting aware of it and when I began to mediate I had no idea in what we went into really. Today we know what happened during that course, the air broke in pieces and we have not a self-realized authority and in the light of his words we get also the correct understanding, but we have to listen and think it over to be able to absorb, to get the experience of it. With Swami's words we develop a feeling for it and we can see know why all felt like enemies.
The master was not there, he was not holding the strings in his hands and they were dependent on him, because he had made puppets out of them and we were exposed to it and we met instead of the master or a self-realized authority the replacement master and there was just a big black hole, the master was not present and a tiredness that made us aware that it was possible to die of exhaustion, what seemed to happen with some others who didn't get any answers and looked for the answer on the wrong place, not in the words of a self-realized authority, but in their own consciousness and programs and mediation and the black hole was just a sign that it was not possible.
The nervous system can only take a certain amount of it and there is a sour environment created and that can destroy our body and health in no time as I heard not long ago also form a self-realized authority.
It was not a good and not an uplifting result, it was shocking and scary and very difficult to understand. After I went to Baba knowing he was a self-realized authority and I would get the correct understanding, but we still didn't know how to do it and how to listen to his words to get the right answer. But I had interview and I tried to ask him about it and he said, it is very difficult to understand. Without listening to his words we would not be able to get the right answer.
This environment of invincibility created with meditation also felt like that fish in the water, we think that everything is done and nothing to do anymore but the programs and that creates a habit and a habit gets solidified and it makes us to creatures of character or better of the habits, the real wisdom is secret and hidden behind secrecy so they are dependent on their programs thinking that it has to give a result, but there is no master, the last master of the tradition of the master they do puja to is not there and that means the man coming in our dream to awake us is missing, they don't know it and that creates for someone noticing that he doesn't get any answers, it results in a sour environment and no answer on that level and no correct understanding.
Swami said he is the man who is coming in our dream to awake us and he was present in the dream and telling me that I don't belong to them and that I know it, but what an effort to know it right and to get that correct understanding.
Today we know we are free, we don't belong to the dependence of the puppets on a string and are allowed only to do that and nothing else and we know why, we don't need to keep it secret and we know the tradition of Veda more than they do because we have been in India and we had to adapt to those standards.
We can do any mantra and any song, he said, all mantras are okay, we are free, we are not dependent on a not present master and even worse being a puppets on a string. It is like the fish in the water, it is an environment like this water and no way out of it, trapped in programs and the mind and no way to get aware of the illusion, because they think all is done, not able to understand the tradition as it is all secret and the last master has to be there otherwise, it doesn't work and they don't know that in this culture everybody is free to follow the yoga system they like really and nobody has to do all life the same programs.
The master is the 'I am I' as Baba tells us and in him the process of being the same 'I' and that 'I' is for all the same, gets mirrored in him and we get aware of it why we are all the same 'I' and why it is even called divine.
We transcend all the chakra levels, we transcend the highest and all feel love only in devotional singing, this love is the same for all and 'that' only and it is the finest relative level. It is beyond the mind and the body and it is unifying all os us, there is only one and that we experience in devotional singing, the reality of the heart, pure love is the still changing experience, divine love is no more changing experience.
And we transcend the lower chakra levels, the root chakra and it was present by the man who comes in our dream to awake us as 'I am the One', there is only one and nobody else and we have to integrate it in our conscious awareness and we have to transform it into experience. We meet the one in everyone, I met it also with the first boyfriend, the neighbor, even if it didn't end well, one night the man coming in our dream was present as Swami and his face was in the kitchen window of their house, he still lived in the neighborhood years later, he never moved away, but it didn't end well.
There is only 'one' and he is present in everyone and we have to realize that and our relationship is with the one no matter whom we met, after all it is always with the one only. That is the translation of 'I am that'. We have three states, the lover chakra level transcended as only 'I am the On', only One I. The I is the same for all of us and there is no difference, so the I is the smallest unit really we cannot transcend anymore, the 'am' is the relationship and it is in between and we know it from our meditation experience, it is just being, but in relationship to the I it is 'amness' not just beingness as it is related to the 'I' and the highest level of the experience all together being one in devotional singing, there is only 'that' it is pure love and if we are established in the experience of pure love for always it is divine love.
That is the 'I am that' the Atmic principle and the finest relative level beyond that no more experience is possible.
'I am the One' is always the same, but the 'I am that' Swami gave three different definitions, he said, 'I am that', 'I am God', 'I am Shiva'.
What we experience if we watch and sing and join in the devotional singing with the other devotees is the finest level in the heart, it melts in divine love and that is for all the same and just 'that' or if we get aware of it, we experience it as 'God' or as it is in the heart it is Shiva, Swami said that Lord Shiva is in the heart and the finest impulse of awakening in the heart.
Look at the fish! Living as it does perpetually in water, has it rid itself of its foul smell to any extent? No. Inclinations (vasanas)won't disappear as long as one's heart is full of the illusion of egotism, even if one is immersed in many heart-purifying spiritual disciplines.
Even with spiritual discipline we are still immersed in illusion if we just do it as programs and we didn't get the understanding of it. We have to get to correct understanding and that happens when we listen to an self-realized authority. We went to India, it was in the right environment, it is their culture and Swami always said revere the traditions, but he never told us that it is our tradition, it is the tradition of Veda, we were in the land of Veda and we should respect Veda and Vedanta and all the holy scriptures.
If you really want to get rid of the feeling of "I" and "mine", you must transform yourself and worship the Lord (Hari), without any likes and dislikes. Just as light and darkness can never coexist at the same place, love and hatred can't coexist in the same heart. You experience joy and misery through the ear.
And we have to recognize a spiritual aspirant through his good qualities.
Therefore as a spiritual aspirant, avoid the cruel arrows of hard words. Instead use sweet, pleasant and soft words suffused with truth. Speaking softly by adding falsehood will bring you misery. You can recognise a true spiritual aspirant through their good qualities.
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