Uprooted and Getting Aware of it

All have faith in the power of love. But how is this love to be fostered and developed? This question may arise in the minds of many. When people ask, "How can we develop our love for the Lord?" The answer is: "There is only one way. When you put into practice the love in which you have faith, that love will grow." Because you do not practice what you profess, your faith gets weakened. A plant will grow only when it is watered regularly. When you have planted the seed of love, you can make it grow only by watering it with love every day. The tree of love will grow and yield the fruits of love. Often people today do not perform those acts which will promote love. When you wish to develop love for the Lord, you must continually practice loving devotion to the Lord.

Baba (thought for the day)

This thought for the day is about the power of love and I had faith in that power of love, but I thought it would be able to change something, but that it didn't. It didn't change anything in my environment, it just changed my life. With the insight it got better or I found the reason why I didn't feel home anymore and when I began looking for it I was that cut off and uprooted I had no idea what the problem was and why I felt like that.

That was a problem to not feel home, even though I had a parent's house and they had a business and they worked a lot and were always at the same place, they were present, but it was nevertheless no home, at least not for me.

After I went to Baba I always went to see my parents trying to find the reason why it was that strange and disturbed, but I didn't find the reason. It was the same in Spain after they had sold the house, it was an illusion that the house my father said he would build in Spain and the illusion was standing in the air, that means it would not be a better parent's house.

Only I saw the 'illusion' in the air and I didn't know how to relate it and why it was in the air. I was that cut off or uprooted, I had no idea why the 'illusion' was in the air. And as it turned out it was exactly the same and there was a time I was writing Baba letters to be able to stay alone. They tried with all might as it seemed to involve us in their problems. As I didn't understand it and I had no feeling of parent's house, even when the parents were at home, I awoke in the midst of the night sweating and in nightmares.  

My mother couldn't stop talking about their stories and I had told her to stop it and that it is not my concern and that most of the time I am not present and I don't want to know. She didn't like it, she said that he was also my father and I said that nevertheless, that are not my problems but hers only. That went on since years already that she was making a nice face in front of him and in his back she was talking bad about him. And that is how they to get us again involved in their stories as they did already when we were children. But it was not a good result and therefore, I didn't want to be bothered anymore with it. Coming back from Baba they never wanted to know how it was or what we did, they were not interested in anything at all. It was always painful to face the fact that I felt not home anymore and I didn't know why. It was just not possible to talk with them and we were there, waiting that the time passed by and years after years it was the same thing. It was not possible to talk. They had no idea how heavy their relationship was and how awful the result. They always told me, what do you have, there is nothing. But it was no answer, it didn't tell me why I didn't feel home anymore. If there would have been nothing, I would have still felt at home.

I began with the spiritual path after reading a book of Yogananda Paramansa and when I was a teenager was the feeling in the air of 'self-realization'. He said also that parents are God and I thought if I see them as God I do my best and maybe it will be easier. It was that bad I didn't know what to do. I came home and after leaving usually Sunday and driving back to Geneva I just felt empty and there was no feeling of home. So I tried in vain to remember what had happened and how it was before when it felt still like home. So I began to search for truth, but to find truth was the result of being cut off and not knowing what was wrong.

After I went to Baba I went also for a visit to the parent's house, because I never felt home with them and with Baba I felt home. I told myself that there must be a reason and after a while of driving back and forth I was tired of it and I didn't want to go back anymore.  

At that time I hardly remembered my childhood anymore and I also didn't know why and in my parent's house it was not possible to talk, whenever I tried to bring up the subject I got the answer, there is nothing, what do you have.  

It began with a boyfriend. He was a neighbor and he had been with the scouts and that family went in and out in our house and my father was active with the scouts and supported them to get a new scout home. That is how we met and we met again a second time and it was again with the scouts and a forest party and that is how we began to date, he began to stand at my window and throwing stones at the glass and we were just walking around and having fun mostly, it seemed kind of innocent to me at that time, but it was not. One day he changed and I didn't see him anymore and I saw no problem, but there was a problem, because I didn't see him anymore and even if he was living in the neighborhood it was not possible to talk to him as well.

So it was not possible to talk to my parents and as well not possible to talk to him and when I tried telling that something was wrong, my father used it as a pretext to throw me out of the house. I had no idea why I was thrown out of the house, my parent's house seemed nuts and it was like they talked a different language and we didn't understand it.

Everything was left open and there were problems in the background and after I went to get a visa in Singapore avowing my country and the problems I had since years in that country feeling at home with Baba, in Baba's presence it came up.

The neighbor was in my dream telling he would come back and marry me. That had been the idea and why everything was left open and as it turned out it was manipulation, he didn't tell the truth.

And when I tried to talk to my family, it was causing such awful problems. I didn't know what it was, whatever I said seemed to cause a huge reaction and every word was one word too much and finally I had been thrown out of the house three times and in my mind I didn't give them a reason, but after that I was kind of fed up. Whatever I did it didn't matter anymore, I wanted to get away and to never come back. And my mother always said, 'what do you have, there is nothing'. But there was never nothing, she just avoided it.

For me it was everything else but nothing and my family went on like that and after Baba said that I had been let down by my family it was still not nothing, he just confirmed that my family made me look like an idiot for all that time, when in reality I had been let down by them.

 As it was not possible to talk it was not possible to address the matter and to tell how I felt and that began in 68 and coming back home I didn't feel home, there was no family, they were looking like it, but they didn't behave like a family. It was not possible to talk and it got only worse and not better. And after my mother's death it was an avalanche coming down telling me more or less that there was only ice left. What began when I was a teenager was small like a snowball and it got out of hand had become an avalanche. And when I tried to be nice with my brothers and sister, it was present in the 'insight' that my brother does the worst he can do and also the others were letting us down and already before it said in the inner view, 'if a mother falls, all children fall with her'. So finally and only now things begin to make sense.

That means uprooted and cut off, we cannot understand it, because we had been let down by them. I had been thrown out of the house for nothing three times and I didn't understand it, so finally he was as Nazi in my dream and the family was in the concentration camp, so he was the evil doer and we were punished for it.

I just remember that it was nuts. I had the feeling of being in a nuts house and it was like we were not talking the same language, but it felt awful. So what to do about it? When we understand it we get to the normal feeling again and we are no more cut off and no more uprooted, but the family is still nuts. One told me that he will kill me when I put it in question and the other gives me the feeling to be thin air, I don't get any information etc. and  I couldn't remember my childhood anymore, because I grew up into that and I thought that was part of becoming an adult until Baba began from the inside to set it right.

So now I begin to understand why 'uprooted' and why I didn't feel home anymore and why cut off. That rather short relationship with that neighbor had turned out into manipulation and into a nightmare. He was the manipulator and my father used it again us to make himself feel better.

So I had to find out what was wrong and when I began to ask question, it was not possible to talk, but also that I was not aware of it, he said in the 'insight' that it was not possible to talk in my parent's house. It was all based on abuse and my mother said always, 'what do you have, there is nothing'. After I went to Baba I felt normal again and I began to question why I felt that bad in my parent's house and I remember the time when he behaved like nuts.  

With Baba it came up at the time we went to Kodai and it was Darshan, he left the car and there was an 'uprooted tree he had in his hand'. That didn't feel very good but even less that I didn't know why that picture. I never felt good, but I always thought that it had to be like that.

We had interview with Baba and he asked me in three different interviews, 'how do you feel?' and the first time I said, 'I feel fine Swami'. I felt great in his presence, but he answered, 'that is not true'. At that time in the interview room I felt okay, but going back 'home' what should have been my home, I felt again bad.

So the reason came up why I felt that bad. The parent's house came up. It began with a dream and the neighbor said that he would come back and marry me. It didn't make sense, but that is how it began, he let me in the believe that he would come back and it was not true and so the manipulation began. My parent's house couldn't handle it.

My mother's pride seemed to attacked by it and the father seemed to get nuts.

I had never again a kind of relationship to him. When he died I couldn't share a tear and usually I easily cry, but with him no one tear was in my eyes, only after we put the ash in the ocean and at the same time a bird was flying up high in the sun like telling finally 'free', there was a lonely tear in one eye touched by the picture.  

So that was the end of trying to talk and getting thrown out of the house because of it. Coming back I felt not home anymore. Of course, as they were not thrown out of the house as I had been three times, nobody knew why it felt that bad. It was not a good feeling to go home and to find a place where we do not find home. It looks the same, the same people, it should be my family, but I didn't feel home with them.  

My mother always said, 'what do you have, there is nothing' and it was not possible in all those years to talk about it and after some time I didn't talk about it anymore, it was useless.  

When it came up with Baba it was that far away and I was not used to talk about it, that I had no connection what so ever to it. But I felt home with him and wanted to stay with him.

I would have liked to have a room at the ashram and he said once, 'I know what I will do, I will get you a big house' and like that it came up again that I actually went so Singapore in the idea to stay with him and by doing that the background of my parent's house came up.  

If I would have known that everything I wanted to forget and go away from would come up with him again, I don't know, I would not have enjoyed to know it. But I had in a sense no choice, it is the conditioning of the parent's house if we like it or not.

Just at that time I met my ex and he said no worry, no money problem, no job problem, his boss seemed also to be a devotee and with Baba driving in the car and flying in the helicopter, it was too good to be true, and that was it really, it was also all an illusion only and because I had no idea why Baba asked to whom I belonged, I thought it was because of marriage reasons as he said before that I should not worry he would take care of it. My ex took advantage of it and said, you belong to me, but in reality it had to do with the parent's house.

The worst what can happen is that we have to learn from it. So I didn't have to go back and if we went back, we went together and it was for me easier to face the parent's house not being alone.

I was constantly afraid of my father, I didn't trust him, that was the result of it and if I was alone with him for a moment I was nervous.

In Spain it was beautiful, but still at night I woke up with nightmares and I had no idea why. I tried to find out why I didn't feel home since such a long time and nothing had changed and there was no answer. With Baba the reality came up, it was in the air as 'uprooted' and he asked another devotee I had to translate for who I was and to whom I belong and what our relationship was and I had not the slightest idea why he asked that. There had been also a problem with TM and that it broke into pieces and it seemed impossible to ever understand it and I knew I would not understand it, but I didn't know how to listen to Baba's words to get an answer.

That was the result of my father throwing me out of the house. I didn't even know the reason, but the result was 'uprooted' and cut off. I had no idea where to look for the fault and what had happened and why it had happened. He blamed me for what he had done in the neighborhood. He blamed everybody so he had to feel less bad I guess. When he was as Nazi in the dream it said that he was fighting his own shadow in others and when I had to translate for a devotee and she was really difficult, I saw my own shadow in her. It was nevertheless difficult to understand. Next day my mother and sister were in her. I didn't understand it. Since years I tried to do my best and to get an answer and it was all in vain. It took that much time and nothing changed.

My father died and my mother died and the end was kind of interesting, because the log in front of her eye manifested and when in her dream she made a goodbye party I was also present.

It told me that I had never been present before. I felt like an accident, something went wrong, but I didn't know what it was. It had somehow to do with the neighborhood, but afterwards I never wanted to go back, but as it was my parent's house, I anyhow went back. It was my family and as much as I wanted to never see my family again, I had to see them again if I liked or not. I was also sorry that it was like that, mostly in Spain my relationship with the father changed and sometimes I felt closer to him than to the mother.

It was difficult to get those negative feedbacks in the insight. But now I understand why Baba had an uprooted tree in his hand and at that time I was that cut off the problem, I wondered if that had anything to do with me as the mother and everybody else always said, what do you have, there is nothing. Once before I left they also had problems again and the refused to come with me to the bus, even if it was not my problem. They did that always acted their problems out on our heads. I guess they had no idea what they did and driving back I couldn't sleep and in the insight it said that those two are the reason for the state of mind of my younger brother and he had nothing but problems. Indirectly it mirrored to me that my problems are also related to them. I couldn't make a decision and I didn't know to whom I belonged as I felt cut off and uprooted by my own parents and whenever I tried to tell them that something was wrong, my mother answered, what do you have there is nothing, but it was never nothing. I went for a visit, but I was never home at their place. I would have liked to feel home, but it was not possible to feel home. And when Baba brought it up as I was no aware of it, I told others about it and I mentioned the questions of the interview and there was my ex and he saw his chance and he took advantage of it. As I didn't know to whom I belonged, he said that 'I belonged to him' even if it was not true.

Baba said, 'I wanted to fly' that was the relationship which was serious and I didn't see it as I didn't know to whom I belonged and couldn't go into a relationship without knowing.

It means I went to Sai Baba and found out that I had been 'uprooted' by my own parents, thrown out of the house for nothing and confused by them. It was not possible to talk and therefore, it was not possible to address the subject and it went on like that all my life and I thought that it was normal. I felt never okay and I thought that I was okay and I felt cut off and I didn't know why cut off. I couldn't see the role I plaid in it and I couldn't see what happened around us and I began after looking for truth seeing it in the air, but I didn't understand the insights. The insights is on Baba level and we have to listen to his words, we have to think it over to be able to absorb the meaning and that is what happens in that thought for the day.

I couldn't see the role I plaid in it and it was for such a long time, there was no way I could relate it to myself. So I saw the inner self as 'insight' and light after it had been lost on the level of the parents and the family. It began in my parent's house in 68 and that is a long time ago and it takes a long time to get aware of it. So finally it does make sense that there was an 'uprooted' tree in Baba's hand when we were driving to Kodai and it makes sense that there was the 'shadow' in that person who I had to translate for, she was really everything I didn't want to be.

So it has changed the family picture and why I had to face the fact that I had been let down by my family. The 'insight' that the father was a Nazi and the family in the concentration camp is telling me indirectly as usual today that he had been  fighting his own shadow in us, so probably he felt better when he blamed the others it. They had to stay, we could go but it never made sense to me. Everything felt wrong. We could do what we wanted it was never good because he was fighting the shadow in us. My mother was attached and therefore probably not able to let go or whatever that was. It began in the past and ended in an avalanche, it was present after her death. It is kind of hard to deal with the 'insight', but insight is not lying to us only it is that different than we actually think it was, that is awful.

I looked at the ideal role of parents and thought that they are God and it was the only way to forget what they had done, but I never felt home, it was a bit better in Spain, but it was not really that much better. It is that complicated to get the right answer.

As we went to Baba and we try to do good, see good and be good, in Spain seeing my parents I was writing Baba letters to be able to stay out of it or to keep distance, but their grip was such that even coming back from Baba and writing him and staying out of it, it was difficult.

That I went to see them because parent's are God and we had to care about them, but they always somehow managed to go for the shadow and telling us we could never do what they did etc. It was like I didn't understand what they were talking about as I didn't feel home with them. They were my parents, but I still didn't feel home or okay.

It was joyful to see them again after I had not seen them for a long time, but it didn't change the nightmare in the midst of the night living with them.