When we look at the Avatar of Narasimha, we get a feeling of terror. When Lord Narasimha appeared, it looked as if Prahlada was standing in a corner full of fear. At that time, Lord Narasimha looked at Prahlada and asked him if he was afraid of the fearsome figure which had come to punish his father; but Prahlada explained that he was not afraid of the Lord as it was the sweetest form one can comprehend. He said that he was indeed happy to be able to see the Lord. The Lord then asked why Prahlada was afraid. To this Prahlada replied that he was afraid because the divine vision which he was then having was likely to disappear in a few moments and he would soon be left alone. The fear which was troubling Prahlada was that God will leave him in this world and disappear. Prahlada wanted to ask God not to leave him. God's divine vision and divine beauty are such that only his devotees can appreciate.
Swami talks about divine vision, the lion known as avatar. He is also an avatar and somehow explaining to us how it felt for his devotee to meet such a terrible looking and fearful figure.
He said that he is the man coming in our dreams to awake us. He was quite often present as that man coming in the dreams to awake us, but once he had two Baba faces, one with very long sharp teeth like a vampire or like the lion and the other with a very long nose, it didn't feel like terror. In that aspect of Narasimha the teeth are very much like that, very long and sharp and when thinking it over we get a feeling for it and also that it makes actually much more sense for an avatar to be like Narasimha. We know that the vampire is a negative symbol and more the sign of demons, but Narasimha is exactly that avatar who came just because of that reason to kill the father of Prahlada, who had tried already in many ways to kill his son, that is the story of Prahlada.
It was a so called Baba dream and not used to see him like that with such big teeth, it was not very scary when I had seen it in the dream, but it was not able to forget it.
It was not about understanding yet. It was far away from listening and thinking it over yet, it was just part of the reality we had to face and what was reflected in the dream was not that nice actually, it was more than a warning, looking back at it it was very scary actually.
We tried to make the best out of the situation, we got there year ahead in the ashram, we had met and went ahead and as it was normal in the ashram we looked at it as a Baba Lila, and I went on with regular mediation going step by step and I had to take care of a six year old child, I could have been in a relationship with a demon, I would not have a choice to make it different, when I wrote the parents that something didn't feel okay, it was as usually ignored, it had been already like that years ahead and it was not possible to talk about certain experiences and the situation in the neighborhood, it was avoided, ignored and if they did something, they made fun of it and it was not possible to talk, so it would have been surprising if they would have responded. As they made me look like the black sheep in the family, even if I didn't know exactly why, it made in that sense easier that I went to Swami and I could stay there, it was not anymore about their expectations, that had been gone a long time ago, it was like they were used to it that I didn't do what they think I should do and I didn't fit in their idea of life and therefore, it was also possible to stay in the ashram without having any bad feeling about it, but that felt kind of unlimited and it didn't feel okay as well, but I had no idea how to change it.
The man coming in our dreams to awake us said, 'you had a nervous breakdown'. I didn't even know why but it couldn't be because of the sharp teeth, but it made me aware that I lived something else than I thought I did and I didn't know how to go on, I felt trapped and there was no way out, no response from the family, there was no way out and getting back and I had to somehow wait for I don't know what, so that Baba dream with the sharp teeth makes more sense when it is related to the lion avatar as such, but we get only aware of it if we think it over and see it in our own life, otherwise, we cannot understand it.
Vedanta is called the end of Veda and it was explained as mainly three things, to listen, to think it over and to absorb, it is shravana, manana, nididhyasana.
If the master is in our dream to awake us he is one part of it in the man coming in our dream and the insight we have in the dream, the other part of it is listening to the words of the self-realized authority and finding the right feeling for it in his words when thinking it over that is how we are able to absorb. Therefore, Swami with long teeth was just a dream picture and the only thing we knew was that it is real when he in it, but the meaning of it gets only closer to us in thinking over that thought for the day, here it is about Narasimha the lion avatar and that avatar has the same long, sharp teeth and that is how we get a feeling for it that it was not really in the negative sense about a vampire, but in the positive sense about killing a demon.
Sharavana is what we don't want to do by nature, we don't listen and we see that all over in the movement, people don't listen and we get by that to the wrong conclusion that we know already because we don't want to listen and that is all based in Maya, illusion, no matter if we see it with the heart or with the mind, it is anyhow the mind if we don't listen. The man coming in our dreams reflects about reality and that is in the heart, but we don't even get aware of it if we don't listen. Listening needs to be done again and again and manana has to do with, who am I?, it is about, what am I? It is what we like to do again and again getting a good feeling about it and we have to get to a right conclusion. We should think about it only once and not again and again and nididhyasana should happen by itself, what is the case when thinking it over, it happens by itself.
The focus is on the divine, not on the body and the mind, and it is always about getting the to the right conclusion in the 'I am that', and by thinking it over again and again we get a feeling for it and the wisdom is growing on us.
I don't remember what happened in that past time really, I was living in Portland/OR with my ex and we had met in the ashram, I went on with mediation hoping that something would open up, but it didn't happen really. I had in my mediations pictures about suicide and that was not very good and it felt like somewhere outside of myself, but it had to do with the nervous breakdown. I had no idea why I had a nervous breakdown, but I had to get healthy again after all I had to take care of a six year old daughter. But It seemed impossible to get out of it, whatever that was, I felt trapped and that we got in it with Swami in the ashram made it even worse and not better, it felt like now way out, something had to change from the inside to change the situation.
Whatever I said, it ended in arguments and usually I gave in in telling that Swami would find a way. I was worried about the child.
I had to somehow feel okay to be able to take care of her. My health had to get better. The dream was in that sense a warning that I had to take care of myself and worry first about that and then everything else I didn't know and I couldn't know and I just had to go by it.
My ex had also a Baba dream, but in his dream he said to him that I had to come to him to make peace with him, it means I was called to Swami and that felt so good after all, I was glad to go and make peace with him, whatever that meant.
It was his dream, what was offensive and nasty about was his way interpretation as he thought that someone must be stupid if he had to go and make peace with Swami and he didn't see any part of himself in it.
We went together my daughter and I it spring 96 and we went also on the way seeing my parents I hadn't seen for a while. I knew I had to take care of my state of health and that I recovered from it, no matter what that was.
The signs were wrong, the man coming in our dreams to awake us with two Swamis and with very long sharp teeth and a very long nose was not that scary but in the reflection it was very scary. It was impossible to take a step in that direction if something was that wrong, but first of all we were glad to be in Swami's presence again.
Nothing I had learnt with meditation seemed to make sense at that time or to be of use. Somehow it felt like cut off and it was impossible to see what was similar and the same when it was about Veda.
As it seems it was the cheap things that attracted his attention, others go for ideals and big thoughts, others like him for cheap living costs so he could gamble with the rest of his money we don't really know where it is and how much he had, but in his thoughts he is constantly in the market.
In the ashram the man coming in our dreams said that it was perverted and that we had to get a divorce. We didn't know exactly what it was, nothing was talked over or it went nowhere trying to talk it over, but perverted means it cannot change anymore, it is upside down and that cannot be transformed, therefore, it has to be given up.
That is why we met in the ashram with some lecturer he said, Tamas, inertia, darkness has to be given up, Rajas, passion as to be transformed and Sathva is the path.
I knew he was constantly behind the newspaper in the morning in the bathroom he sat and sat and took time reading the newspaper and on the table for breakfast etc. He had no time ever to talk it over or to listen, but he was constantly with his mind in the market and he is living as cheap as possible only with garage sale stuff he got for one dollar average and the rest he is putting somewhere.
He told us last time in the ashram when we met that he would not use it and do it for his daughter, she would benefit when he passed away once and I told him that he should do that as he never cared about her as child, it was more important that gambling than family, so all he earns goes to some place nobody knows, but everybody wonders about his way of life.
When we met the man coming in our dream was present as an old wagon with old crap on it he was dragging behind him and it felt more like bad Karma or we don't know what, but for sure it is not light and spiritual and not about divine love.
If that is for his daughter, we think it is probably more the way of talking about it making himself look better, it gives him some power behind, he lives a very strange life for others and if there will be something it will be a nice surprise if there is nothing we will not be surprised as well.
If Swami would give today again such an interview, he asked the lady I had to translate for, 'who is that girl?' 'To whom does she belong?' 'What is your relationship?'
If that would happen today it was mostly my feeling that I had no idea about it, what created that situation. We went to the mountains and some lived in a house at the lake and he was part of that group and we talk about interviews and as I had a feeling there was no way to know I told about Swami asking those questions and he answered, 'you belong to me. I you are the wife Swami sends, as I had asked for'.
That kind of thing was in common between the Westerners and we just tried to find the way to get to a right answer somehow, we looked at is as a Swami Lila and so as I had the feeling there was no way I could get an answer, I thought good that he knows, but after all it was a not right conclusion and he didn't know.
That is how I got into it. Of course, there was for sure a level I liked him, but the way we got into it was not okay. And later he thought that he could not have done that with an American woman, but if he thinks he could do that with me, that was also not right, there was no difference, after I got aware of it I didn't go back, I just didn't know what it was because it was hidden behind the ideal in the ashram and came only up when the man coming in our dreams to awake us said that he took only advantage of it, again something that was not understood and gets clear by thinking it over.
Who would want to share that, he had in mind that I should take care of work and everything thing else and he wanted to write a newsletter he didn't earn anything with it and after we left and he found a job he began to live the cheapest way possible amassing crap second hand stuff he could get for hardly anything so that he could get with the rest whatever he got in the market. His mind seems totally set on stocks, he is seeing it as a game and he is in that sense a gambler, every free minute also at work when he has time he is looking for something with another guy at his work, it seems he uses his earnings for that only and everything else he gets as cheap as possible. It is kind of impossible to live in the present and he keeps everything low cost not live like a Sannyasin, but to play his game. That is his focus and nothing else matters.
After we came back here there was the man coming in our dreams to awake us and my ex was standing in a ruin, he was wearing a red skirt and a black fur jacket and he said, 'that is all I could get in garage sales', it was the ruin of the spiritual ideal and the relationship.
So that is why we arrived in the ashram and there he said, 'it is perverted, you have to get a divorce' and he didn't move a finger, whatever I thought what would be present when meeting in Swami's presence it was the worst it could be, he ignored everything and went on ignoring it.
Perverted means Tamas and in the meantime we got a feeling for it and why it has to be given up and why Rajas, passion has to be transformed and sathva alone is the path.
That is what we went for when going to Sai Baba.
It means when I went for it and thought he would help me to know and it felt to me like a Swami Lila, I got in a deplorable cheap state of duty. I couldn't just get out of it as it was associated with a Swami Lila and that interview and that exposed me to the situation. The parents didn't even react and it went on like that until the nervous breakdown and then he had the man coming in our dreams to awake us in his dream and he said I had to go and make peace with Swami, what he found funny and hilarious and he had a good laugh about it that I had to go and make peace with him and that is how I got aware that there was no peace between us and it was not even possible to talk about it.
It had turned into a duty, a deplorable state because there was no way out and behind was Swami and a wrong conclusion about an interview, but there was also not yet a right conclusion. The man coming in our dreams to awake us said that he took only advantage of it and nothing was clear what happened and how it happened and that is when we began to listen and think it over to get to a right conclusion.
He also said, we didn't listen we had to get a divorce, he said it in two ways and at that time I didn't even know what it means to listen, it has to be done again and again and again and by seeing it in our own life we get a feeling for it.
In the opposite, he said he couldn't have done that with an American woman, make me look like a fool, what he always like to do to make himself feel better.
But he was wrong, nobody would be able to do that cheap living and sharing that crap with him, not only Americans, but we as well, we just went for it because we thought it was Swami and we met in the ashram and when we noticed there was nothing in it and he took only advantage of it instead of being grateful, we left and didn't go back.
Nobody is able to do that, there is no difference from an American women, we did it even less. If he would have seen it as a Swami Lila he should have been grateful for it and he should have seen it as a gift, but the way he looked at it it was misuse and he just took advantage of it and he even thought that we were stupid because he could take only advantage of it, no respect for the divine Lila he said it was.
He sister said that he needs someone, but it feels like his mother talking, she doesn't know everything and why he is living such a strange life.
Duty without love is deplorable, love with duty is good and love without duty is divine. (Baba)
What we had to get aware of is that Tamas needs to be given up, Rajas, passion must be transformed and sathva is the path. We have to get aware of the difference between the three gunas and it is all based on experience.
The change had to happen from the inside and it took time, but when it happened it was fast. It is twenty years we left and didn't go back, he went to his sister's house and lived there. He was in her basement finally he got a job and that was good. He even has his own apartment.
He seems to be a gambler and he is addicted to it. For him it feels like a game, but not for the others, for his family it was not a game, it was sick and hidden behind strange manners, imposing his ways on others, it feels more like miserly and greedy, everything seems to turn into cheap way and taking advantage of others.
That is not a normal way of life, nobody knows it and nobody understands it, he keeps it secret, but it is behind he funny way of living.
Lucky for his daughter if ever she will get something, but if it will be nothing, we will not be surprised. He is just not the guy who is successful, he is it just on the word level to make himself feel good.
It is what he did all along at the ashram, it makes him look more interesting, he seems to be in power, it was present like an altered ego based on other and his relationship with them. It was from the beginning like that. On a certain point it felt like dreaming with open eyes and a shock getting aware of it that it was not what I thought it was.
What I thought was a Swami Lila was for him a way of taking advantage of it, I felt trapped in a way of life with him which was all different than he said it would be. It was not possible with him to listen, think it over and absorb, he made out of everything and argument, even if it was only listening and on that level is no peace possible.
So we went to Swami in his mind to go and make peace with Swami as it was not possible to live in peace with him and we didn't go back, he is until today not aware of it that with his attitude it is not possible to live in peace. In the end I felt rather like enslaved not able to talk about it, than being in a relationship.
When we look at the Avatar of Narasimha, we get a feeling of terror. When Lord Narasimha appeared, it looked as if Prahlada was standing in a corner full of fear. At that time, Lord Narasimha looked at Prahlada and asked him if he was afraid of the fearsome figure which had come to punish his father; but Prahlada explained that he was not afraid of the Lord as it was the sweetest form one can comprehend. He said that he was indeed happy to be able to see the Lord.
The man coming in our dreams to awake us had two Baba faces, long sharp teeth and the other was a long nose. The long sharp teeth could be very well related to Narasimha.
It was strange to see him like that and it got more and more dangerous in that relationship with my ex, there was that much suppression. As it was not possible to talk I usually said, Swami will find a way.
And the fear to be left alone was also there, when he left the body. The man coming in our dreams to awake us was my own self and it said, 'what am I going to do without you?' It was the last night before he left in the morning the body and I didn't sleep very well and when he left at 7.40 AM he said, 'no more husband, nothing left but an empty Western shoe' and it felt desolate really.
later during the day they told us that he had left the body at 7.40 AM and it began to make sense why there was that dream.
My ex never tried to meet in Swami's presence again or in the ashram, as he took only advantage of it. It was of no use to ask why he didn't go for it as he had promised when we met to put him in the midst of our relationship, it was all in vain, that is how I got aware that nothing has been they way it had looked at that time in the ashram.
It was not possible on that basis to live in peace.
We had learnt that there was a level of all possibilities, and that as soon as possible can be know, in two or in ten year, but it was of no use with him.
Whatever it was, it resulted in arguments, no way of communication and he was only focused on getting garage sale stuff and money, what is an object and not based on divine love. It has become his life style and as Swami tell us if we are focused on the material body and what is part of that body and the object, makes us unable to understand it.
Often we prepare laddus (Indian delicacy) and its main ingredient is Bengal gram flour. Have you ever tasted this flour? The flour, by itself, cannot give any taste - it is because we add sugar to the flour, the delicacy acquires a special taste. Similarly, some people prepare special sweets with broken wheat powder (rava) which by itself has no taste. It acquires sweetness when sugar is added to it. Thus in all the various sweets, the basic ingredient and common aspect is sugar. Like in this analogy, in all things and people we see around us in the world, divine sweetness is the common constituent. Similarly in everyone there is this aspect of Truth, Wisdom and Bliss. Therefore, attach importance to the aspect of Divinity (Brahman). Do not promote the illusion of attachment to the body, because then you will not be able to understand the real aspect of Divinity (Brahman).
It was in a thought for the day a few days ago. What we met in that relationship was that he was unable to understand the reality of the divine. After listening to some lectures he went there to pass his time and lots of seemingly great talks, he said that he goes there to make cheap vacation, he has no feeling for the divine love, he is no aware of it.
He thought that Veda singing was also not for divine love, but to keep the mind of people busy. It was not a right conclusion and he is focused on the object and on material stuff only and he is an example of someone who doesn't attach any importance to the aspect of the divine.
The Lord then asked why Prahlada was afraid. To this Prahlada replied that he was afraid because the divine vision which he was then having was likely to disappear in a few moments and he would soon be left alone. The fear which was troubling Prahlada was that God will leave him in this world and disappear. Prahlada wanted to ask God not to leave him. God's divine vision and divine beauty are such that only his devotees can appreciate.
We should be grateful and also there was nothing of that in his attitude, and it is still not, nothing has changed. It was for him a fact that he could take advantage of it and as he thought he could not have done that with an American woman.
It felt like he got me trapped, and with other words, he could not have done that with another women, it had to be stupid me to get trapped in his cheap way of living and there was no love, but only duty and it felt deplorable, nobody who has love as an ideal would do that to his family.
What I had hopped to find Swami in and was the highest, turned out being the lowest. What I thought was an ideal, was just taken advantage of and felt like a sacrilege.
No gratefulness, no understanding of the ideal, he is not focused on the divine aspect of Brahman. He cannot understand the reality of divinity.
With him everything seems to turns into being cheap, or as Swami said, it feels worse than rotten food.
It is like everything that gets in touch with him is diminished in its value and not the opposite way around. He makes things cheap by every word, he destroys the ideal and not the opposite way around.
We have to give up Tamas, Rajas we can transform and Sathva is the path.
That is how we got aware of what needed to be given up and why because it was Tamas and not Sathva.
The lesson is for all the same but in every life it is a different way how we learn it.
If we talked about it in the ashram, it was just about Tamas and the fact that it has to be given up. We have to see it in our own life and get aware of the difference between Tamas and Rajas and Sathva. Some learn the hard way, at the end it is the same for all. Some take longer getting aware of it, but it needs to be givine up.
If we don't see it in our own life, we are unable to understand it and if we are focused on the object only we are not able to understand the aspect of the divine.
Similarly in everyone there is this aspect of Truth, Wisdom and Bliss. Therefore, attach importance to the aspect of Divinity (Brahman). Do not promote the illusion of attachment to the body, because then you will not be able to understand the real aspect of Divinity (Brahman).
The face with the long teeth was not scary, but the reflection of it was because there had to be a reason and we didn't know it. It was kind of a warning, something was wrong and based on that we have to make decisions. It was not possible to make a decision in that direction anymore. It was the end of the dream that it was Swami given. The man coming in his dream to awake us said as Swami in his dream, 'give, give, give, I will not give, you lived a dream that is your problem not mine'. He took advantage of it, it was based on a dream and it didn't last.
It is twenty years ago and if it is not understood from his side to this day, it is his problem. He has no right focus, he cannot understand the divine aspect and get to a right conclusion.
We met at the ashram, we were talking together every day based on the lectures we went and it kept us going, there was no conflict. He said that he was waiting to feel love and his best friend told him that it was not about that, but about caring and duty and I told him that he was right. He said, he will tell him that I was at his side and I told him it was not a matter of sides, but of a right conclusion, we cannot argue about it when it is about truth.
I told him that he can wait forever to feel love, he will never feel love if the doesn't put it into practice and he doesn't practice, his entire life is about taking advantage of it and not love. He goes to the ashram for cheap vacation and his focus is on material values only and the object, he is not practicing and living it and that he should not go there anymore and as everything is Swami, that is also Swami.
Like in this analogy, in all things and people we see around us in the world, divine sweetness is the common constituent. Similarly in everyone there is this aspect of Truth, Wisdom and Bliss. Therefore, attach importance to the aspect of Divinity (Brahman). Do not promote the illusion of attachment to the body, because then you will not be able to understand the real aspect of Divinity (Brahman).
Learn to give, not to take; learn to serve not to rule. - Baba
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