In the first experience of oneness, when not possible to answer why there were problems afterwards, that was projected in - you should not - we had done something wrong, it was projected in doing. Nobody knew what it was, but something went wrong, so somebody had to be the wrong doer, and it was not the blind man, who turned out to be an enemy, put in question, it was projected on us, not clear by whom of the elders.
But usually when there was a problem, it was answered as - you did.
But at that time, it didn't go a way by blaming someone, because it was not the right answer. Something went wrong, there had to be a wrong doer, but it was not the right answer. As it was not a level of doing, it was a level of consciousness, and a projection into doing, the real thing got lost, no answer possible on that level and that felt like being cruscified, that level was again there in my marriage later on.
It was not even possible to talk, always troubles, and it ended with having to go and make peace with Baba. He finally told me inside, when seeing a blue light, I could go on, taking that as the right direction, and here I am.
In the parent's house it felt like, if you have those problems, you destroy a relationship, it's a mistake. When in reality one should be able to talk and share in a relationship being one. What's a relationship of use, if that's not possible?
So the real issue got lost, and the wrong doing was projected into something else, when in reality it had nothing to do with doing. It felt like finding someone to blame, finding faults, being on the level of the intellect more than on the level of the heart, and not knowing the difference.
I read about that in Alberto Villoldos' books, if it doesn't get clear, you marry it. That's what happened to me, because it didn't get clear, I married it. But when I met him in a work-shop, he asked, if someone was there, who had married it. I felt so tired, I couldn't hold up my hand, and I felt also ashamed.
I had married it. The issue came up when Baba was in his dream and said to him, I had to go to India to him and make peace with Baba. Even that was for him a reason to blame, to find faults, to put the finger onto others, they were wrong, never looking at himself.
It was for me a call, what I was waiting for, years being unhappy in that relationship. It was a call in a strange dress, but nothing to blame. For me it was holy, and looking at that blame in the air, I felt shocked to be there, in that room. I had married the father, so he also pointed out and blamed, when it was in reality himself to blame. That was the mirror, and it gets visible by Baba's presence in it.
But usually when there was a problem, it was answered as - you did.
But at that time, it didn't go a way by blaming someone, because it was not the right answer. Something went wrong, there had to be a wrong doer, but it was not the right answer. As it was not a level of doing, it was a level of consciousness, and a projection into doing, the real thing got lost, no answer possible on that level and that felt like being cruscified, that level was again there in my marriage later on.
It was not even possible to talk, always troubles, and it ended with having to go and make peace with Baba. He finally told me inside, when seeing a blue light, I could go on, taking that as the right direction, and here I am.
In the parent's house it felt like, if you have those problems, you destroy a relationship, it's a mistake. When in reality one should be able to talk and share in a relationship being one. What's a relationship of use, if that's not possible?
So the real issue got lost, and the wrong doing was projected into something else, when in reality it had nothing to do with doing. It felt like finding someone to blame, finding faults, being on the level of the intellect more than on the level of the heart, and not knowing the difference.
I read about that in Alberto Villoldos' books, if it doesn't get clear, you marry it. That's what happened to me, because it didn't get clear, I married it. But when I met him in a work-shop, he asked, if someone was there, who had married it. I felt so tired, I couldn't hold up my hand, and I felt also ashamed.
I had married it. The issue came up when Baba was in his dream and said to him, I had to go to India to him and make peace with Baba. Even that was for him a reason to blame, to find faults, to put the finger onto others, they were wrong, never looking at himself.
It was for me a call, what I was waiting for, years being unhappy in that relationship. It was a call in a strange dress, but nothing to blame. For me it was holy, and looking at that blame in the air, I felt shocked to be there, in that room. I had married the father, so he also pointed out and blamed, when it was in reality himself to blame. That was the mirror, and it gets visible by Baba's presence in it.
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