Freedom; not on Body Level

We are the creators and creatures of each other, causing and bearing each other's burden.

I find that somehow, by shifting the focus of attention, I become the very thing I look at, and experience the kind of consciousness it has; I become the inner witness of the thing. I call this capacity of entering other focal points of consciousness, love; you may give it any name you like.

Love says "I am everything". Wisdom says "I am nothing". Between the two, my life flows. Since at any point of time and space I can be both the subject and the object of experience, I express it by saying that I am both, and neither, and beyond both.

Nisargadatta Maharaj

I contemplated on ‘I am not that and not this’, ‘not the body, not the mind, and therefore, I couldn’t be 'thoughts' and nothing else, and I did it for a long time. That was my meditation and focus, to never forget that 'I am not that', to be in the observer.

After the inner child workshop which lasted a year I stopped of too many background pictures and no answers.

If I was not that, why those pictures were there? It created a conflict.

There had to be a reason. The leading therapists belonged to the Sannyas scene. In the very beginning she was in my dream informing me that they had already earned millions with that work. Seemed kind of funny that she did that. Who was I, why did she hell me how much they earned?



Inner Child



It was not the right field. It would have looked differently if I would have been in the Sannyas field, the so called Buddha field in Poona and she would have told me that to show how successful they are in the Sannyas scene. But here that was all upside down because the people in the course were not into spirituality at all. It was not the right environment and therefore, it seemed just strange that she said that and created inside a realty we didn’t feel outside, that we were all Sannyasins, but conncection between them, no feeling of unity.
That was certainly not that type of workshop and therapy work they had during the time when Osho was alive, so I dreamt several times that I missed the train.

There were hardly any spiritual interests and years later I got aware of the scene behind and why she said it, it was the same background, which got lost in a worldly field, people had no spiritual inclination. 

They used dynamic meditation, but otherwise nobody had any idea or interest about Osho.
And they made no difference between people with problems in that course and a spiritual aim, that was all the same.

Above him in the air was shame, impossible to address. Certainly that must have been different in one of those former workshops.

I wondered where that shame came from, enough observer to see it, but I didn’t understand the background and why it was there.
That is why course, to get more experience and it ended with open questions and no answers. Focused on shame seemed part of his work, a strange work. He saw shame everywhere and in everything.

I asked him about that work, not because I wanted to do it, because I wanted to know what this was all about and why therapy and how to go on, that was direction inner master. That was completely misunderstood.

He was a psychiatrist, very choosy about people working with him and it felt like shame that ask such questions before I had understood the principle of it, it was strange. It was just about understanding.

Osho was inside the dream, 'I should come to him', there must have been a reason, that is why I was in that course and why 'therapy work', but it was difficult to get an answer at all. 
There was no communication level and if, we had to paid for it. I had difficulties to get answers.

They felt high above and making us feel like shame, dependent on therapy work, that is how it felt to me, not free at all, too much money making.

The inner child was interesting, but not that environment and no spiritual background.

There was a wild heap of mixed people with all kind of different backgrounds and to get a spiritual answer was not possible, therefore, I got just pictures. In the beginning they shared experiences, man and women all mixed, by that we said too much about private stuff and after there was a kind of selection and it took not a long time was shame and fear in the air.

I found it funny to see it in the air, I wanted to know why pictures, but there was no answer. 

In the end I told them I couldn’t reach them. I couldn’t talk, couldn’t clear my pictures, he never let me talk, whatever I said on the wrong level, it was always spiritual and he wanted a level, which was for me not real, it felt like a catastrophe.
Coming back from the course I was often out of my sight without any reason in tears, how awful, couldn’t help myself.
There was an effect like burnout, couldn’t get up anymore, couldn’t even catch the plain an travel to Baba.

Nothing but pictures, no answers. I wrote him an angry email, afterwards he answered some questions.
By that I got at least that much out of it that I understood that the black hole means ‘trust lost’, that was helpful. In the dream he came down the steps in his hand a gun, another level, body level, the gun seemed to be transformed sexuality level. Anyhow that shame seemed always to have some hidden sexual reason, we couldn’t possibly know. There was a child hand, nothing understood.

It needed lots of energy to just be able to go on.

And then Baba said that

Osho’s path doesn’t work because older age needs more safety,

so there was practically no freedom and because of no freedom the pictures in the observer didn’t make sense. There is no observer without freedom.

Four years past, and before was my contemplation ‘not that’, but whatever that meant on consciousness level, body means fear and shame, how to integrate it?

An assistant had broken both wrists and I talked to her about that work experience and it ended awful. He had chosen her. What for others is just talk, was for more pictures.
She was not free and felt like extreme pressure, but she was not aware of it that he took power away, it was expensive she complained and lots of courses and time to invest. A year later she died of cancer.

She appeared with knifes in her wrists, like the aggression turned against herself. I have seen others dying of cancer. TM people who struggled to get power back and couldn’t find a way out of it, they also died in a short time.

With her something similar seemed to have happened.

But the confirmation I got later. In the dream it was that they wanted to take the power away (like taking the car away).

It takes time and effort to integrate that.
They are star Sannyasins, because of the money they earn, the success of their work. For whatever reason I had to make that experience, after Baba said inside ‘stop dancing’. That was the end of it.

I went again to Bhajans. Before I was dancing and thought ‘I am not that’ melting with the music, feeling free. That is gone after he said ‘stop dancing’, but I like to remember it.

The place of the observer has to be free to be real. That is the key - freedom, whatever the level, it has to be freedom.

It didn’t work out with TM, no freedom and it doesn’t work out with Osho’s path, wrong understood freedom.

They went into sexual freedom and protect it into relationship, a compromise, that is no more Osho’s teaching.

I always contemplated about ‘not that, not that’ sometimes it feels like age regression.

I don’t feel age inside if it is free. Inner freedom and outer…, what...? 

I just don't open the eyes or don't look in the mirror, also a kind of state of shame, not able to face the outside, because it feels different inside.

I close the eyes, don’t want to look in the mirror to not reminded at the mind and body level, to not get into shame and shock.

Sometimes, I just cannot face the outside.

In the morning it is okay, lunch I cannot look in the mirror anymore and in the evening I don’t look at anything around me anymore, because I am too tired, only at the nice sight and nature, because that is relaxing.